Monogamy – Is it nature or nurtured?

It really appears that God has created men with some undue advantages and privileges over women. Perhaps on account of this advantageous position, the basic mental and physical tendency of a man is polygamous; on the other hand, due to the physical and mental nature of women, they tend to be more monogamous. Thus there lies a natural phenomenon that leads one to subscribe that monogamy in a woman is her “nature” and in a man it develops by “nurturing”.

Motherhood and monogamy in woman

God seems to have created every woman with the intention of making her life wholesome essentially through her motherhood. This motherly instinct is deeply etched in every female species, including the animal kingdom. Amidst human beings, even the life of a nymphomaniac undergoes a metamorphosis, both physiologically and emotionally, once she gives birth to a baby. The inexplicable bond of love that a woman develops with her baby, and the desire to protect and nurture her child calls for an emotional attachment towards the man who was the cause of the arrival of the child.

Through her love and care a woman nurtures monogamous commitment in man.

Through her love and care a woman nurtures monogamous commitment in man.

In a woman, God seems to have made this emotional bonding with her man, and her sense of loyalty associated with it very strong indeed. Added to this natural phenomenon, there exist the moral and ethical standards imposed by the society on women. The society as a whole imposes (or expects) the morality of monogamy in a woman. It cannot simply be brushed aside accusing that it is males’ scheme of things to subjugate women this way. No woman possessing basic moral values ever respects a woman who practices polygamy. It is not again because of traditional moral conditioning, but because, deep within her psyche, every woman seems to feel comfortable and peaceful with having just one man as the father of her children.

It is true that in the present day scheme of things where marital discords and divorces have become too common, a woman may bear the children of more than one father one marriage after another (what is now called serial monogamy) , but definitely the society would not easily accept a woman having more than one sexual partner simultaneously.

There is nothing like natural fatherly instinct!

There is nothing like natural fatherly instinct!

Thus along with motherhood, God appears to have given a woman a far deeper sense of responsibility towards her children and the need to ensure their respectability in the society; that respectability can be ensured by her only by declaring boldly, without any sense of guilt, who their singular father is.

A woman’s psyche, by nature, is haunted by a high degree of guilt and consequent emotional turmoil, if she were to become polygamous by her adventurism, omissions or commissions.

A man can sow seeds everywhere

Contrary to all the above, think of a man’s physical and emotional constitution. Man’s life is NOT built physically and mentally around fatherhood. When a woman produces just one egg in her womb per month that has the potential to become a child, a man produces billions and billions of sperms in every ejaculation, which he is capable of releasing every day. A man, like a tree or a plant, produces far in excess of seeds than that can create a new life. Why is it so? It leads us to believe that it is purely God’s scheme of things that it be so.

This excess and natural production of seeds tempt a man to sow them at wider and and newer fields, and he is not haunted by any emotional sense of guilt as strongly as women are. That’s why there is lot of scope to conclude that God has not created men to be monogamous strictly; He has given him the freedom to play as he likes and face the physical and emotional consequences of practicing such an unbridled freedom (Eg. AIDS) , or to restrain himself by accepting moral and spiritual responsibility towards a single woman.

Enforcing monogamy through womanly love and care

God has also given, in a very poetic way, some strong capabilities to woman to keep her man bonded and hooked to her without going astray. Yes. It is the power of woman’s overpowering love, possessiveness and the physical bonding she weaves around a man. It is this beautiful characteristic of woman that attracts and binds a man to one woman. A woman’s way of showing love to her man, the way she goes about satisfying his needs and nurturing him, the way she displays extraordinary motherly characteristics to their children, and the extent of sacrifice a women does to do her divinely role of playing the unselfish motherhood — all these create an awe in a man on his wife.

Loving, nurturing, caring, accepting man’s dominance, accepting a man’s many idiosyncrasies and still tolerating and supporting him — all these things are done by women just as a barter deal to ensure men of predominantly polygamous tendencies to remain monogamous. Thus a woman plays her role naturally to nurture monogamous tendencies in a man.

An essentially polygamous man can be tamed and turned monogamous only through the unique strengths, well founded on femininity, as endowed to a woman by God. When women forget to grasp this simple fact, they end up fighting for equality and entangle themselves into more and more emotional turmoil.

If a man, despite his natural and inborn tendency, opts to live monogamous, he is definitely elevating himself spiritually. By nurturing this quality, he may lose some thrills and fun in life, but he gains love, physical well being, mental peace and tranquility in the bargain. On the contrary, if a woman tends to become polygamous, she is going against her basic monogamous nature and thus tend to acquire lowly animal qualities. As women are more of emotional creatures than men, a fallen woman suffers a lot more emotionally than a fallen man.

Such of those women who want equality with men in all respects — women who want to shun their traditional role and monogamous nature and compete with men in all spheres including the domain of loosened moralities, are woefully ignorant of this elementary fact, and the price they pay for it in their physical and mental plane is really too stiff.

The suffering of a family or a society is much more when a woman goes astray, than when a man goes astray. This is not an area where woman should try for equality with men. If they do, not only do they bring themselves to ruin, but also cause a severe damage to the balance of the society at large.

Monogamy & Polygamy – Potent Lessons from Indian Mythology

Lord Rama, the most adored male Monogamist

Sita Rama — the monogamous and ideal husband.

In the grand Hindu Epic Ramayana, the King Rama practiced monogamy as a matter of great virtue, despite the fact that it was quite a common norm those days that Kings had multiple wives. Rama’s father Dasaratha had three queens and other 60 concubines in his palace and Lord Rama never took it as an example to follow for his personal life. With such a great virtue, Rama is being adored as the ideal husband, despite the fact that he got himself separated from his dear wife Sita and sent her to forest in order to uphold his adherence to dharma as a ruler.

Draupadi, the much condemned woman polygamist

On the contrary, in the other grand Hindu epic Mahabharata, the 5 pandavas, who were considered sticklers to dharma, got infatuated by the overpowering beauty of Draupadi; they opted to marry her as a common wife of all the five, despite the fact that it was only Arjuna who won her by his archery skills at te swayamvara of Draupadi. There are explanations and justifications given in Mahabharata for this deviant act, but the fact remains that Draupadi accepted this proposition without protest; it was quite a blasphemous act, even considering the fact that the morality of the ruling class was at its lowest ebb during Mahabharata period.

Only Lord Krishna could come to the rescue of polygamist Draupati.

A scene from Mahabharata – Draupati being disrobed by Duschatana in front of her 5 husbands. Only Lord Krishna could come to the rescue of polygamist Draupati.

This act against the social norm practiced by Draupati and Pandavas can be taken as one of the covert causes of the many hardships faced by the Pandavas in their lives. The total lack of empathy towards their cause by the Kauravas and the utter disrespect meted out to them by kauravas becomes very obvious when Pandavas lost everything to Kauravas while playing the dice game. Draupadi was singled out and utterly humiliated by Karna as he was openly laughing at Draupati, calling her a whore that married 5 men and she could very well come and sit on his lap too.

It should be noted that though Pandavas won the war, none of their their children given birth by Draupadi was alive to rule the kingdom later.




How to understand men in a marital relationship

Men, unlike women, are far easier to understand. Most men are very eager to understand women, but they are not really shrewd enough for the task since women are not open enough to be understood easily! On the other hand, women are quite shrewd to understand men who are far less complicated a creation of God, provided women are eager enough to observe and learn!

What do women basically want from men? Security, loyalty, love, understanding and emotional support. To get some or all these from men, women have got to make certain sacrifices in life and a good understanding of men can help women a lot in this respect.

A word of caution: Some of the ideas discussed in this article may be quite unpalatable to feminists. Also, not all men will fit into the stereotypes discussed here.

1) Man wants some degree of respect from his woman

Whether he deserves it or not, whether he can reciprocate it or not, man want his woman to show some degree of respect to him. This expectation may come in several forms:

  • Giving him the pleasure of delivering the last word in an argument or in decision making
  • Not shouting at him back over and above his voice in an argument
  • Not rubbing him at the wrong side when he is in an irritable mood
  • Not seriously criticizing him or complaining about him to his friends and dear ones (but making fun of his idiosyncrasies in a light hearted way without intentionally hurting him is okay)
  • Not trying to dominate him in an authoritative or commanding voice or manners
  • Not commanding or demanding his support or assistance in doing or sharing domestic chores as a matter of right.

2) Most men do not believe in “equal partnership” in marital relationship

Even though they may eulogize such a relationship verbally, most men, heart of heart, believe in the dictum of the Orwellian Jungle – “some animals are more equal than others”! There are deep psychological reasons behind it. We shall come to them later in this article.

Whether he truly deserves one-upmanship or not, man thinks and believes that, whatever be the qualities that his woman may possess better than him – be it good looks, age, education, proficiency in fine arts, earnings or professional status, his status as “man” is one step above all these of a woman. He cannot easily digest any domination of his woman on the strength any of these qualities. He may compromise and accept domination by the woman due to practical or selfish considerations in short term, but the basic resistance will always be seething inside him, and it will show its ugly head one day or other.

…and men cannot digest it!

3) A Man’s mental maturity is mostly a shade less than that of a woman of same age

This is one of the reasons why a woman is generally advised to marry a man older than her. Women attain both physical and mental maturity at much younger age than men. A girl attains puberty at about 12 to 14 years where as a boy attains it at 14 to 17 years of age. A girl’s instinct about the opposite sex is much more developed at the teen age in comparison with boys.

Nothing to do with aging!

Seeing the world and observing people, sense of responsibility towards one’s own life and that of those dependent on oneself, firming up of clear ideas about one’s needs and wants, goals and ambitions etc are reasonably well developed in a woman at about 21 years; on the other hand, a man of comparable age is far more boyish, carefree, takes things too lightly and is afraid of getting into commitments and taking up responsibility. An unbridled, play-boy life looks to be far more attractive to a man at that age than one of commitment and responsibility of a marital relationship.

A level of mental maturity towards a disciplined family life and the realization that love and affection of a caring wife is far more valuable than a physical outlet for lust comes to a man somewhere above the age of twenty six or so.



4) Sexual urge in a man is much more strong and explicit than in women

And it remains over a much longer age.

The sexual urge and overt need of sexual gratification get subsided in a woman to an extent once she becomes a mother. After the age of 35, a woman’s sexual urges get toned down considerably and in her late forties the woman attains menopause which, on most women, drastically curbs her sexual needs.

That’s not the case with men. Men sexual urges remain strong for quite long and their virility can extent even up to the age of 60. Men’s sexual urges get excited through their visual faculty predominantly. That’s why, man’s inherent tendency to ogle at shapely women shamelessly remains in them, unmindful of their aging. The reason for most men viewing pornography irrespective of their age, maturity, marital status, objections from partners etc is primarily because of their getting sexual arousal through the visual medium.

To state crudely, this tendency of men is akin to a dog’s “natural urge to urinate” at the sight of a lamp-post!

5) A woman is essentially designed to be a “mother” by nature; but a man has no such natural fatherly instincts.

Emotionally and biologically, a woman reaches her “wholeness” only through motherhood. That’s how God has created her. But that’s not the case with men. Most women are natural mothers. Most men are not natural fathers. Fatherly love is something that a man cultivates, aided and inspired by the love of the mother and the attraction of Godliness in a child. No man can ever play the role of a mother to his children, whatever be the extent of his love.

6) A man loves to be loved like a mother by his wife

A man’s bondage to his mother, by nature, is too strong than a woman’s bondage to her mother. A man, heart of heart, craves for the motherly tender care from his wife; he loves to have her attention, cuddling, her concern on his welfare, her cooking and filling his stomach with the foods of his taste and so on.

7) A man willingly submits to woman’s domination only through love

As we have seen in point (1) above, a man cannot, by nature, tolerate an authoritatively dominating woman. But the same man willingly submits to his wife, provided she floors him by her love, affection, commitment and loyalty to him and her care of their family and children. Fortunately, God has given all these qualities to woman, but some woman who cannot digest this simple natural fact, tend to play the wrong cards and lose the game in their lives.

8) Men are far less expressive verbally, unlike women

Men believe that their feelings and love are to be better understood by their actions than words. Many men get exasperated by women’s natural tendency to expect expression of love, even if it sounds too artificial, through the words of men.

9) Man’s basic instincts always makes him believe that his role and responsibility is essentially outside the house

That’s why he has lots of mental resistance to extend help in domestic chores to his wife; while on one hand he comfortably enjoys the monetary benefits of an employed wife bringing in money, he assiduously and selfishly tends to ignore the moral obligation to return favors to his wife by way of sharing her domestic chores.

10) Physical brute ness and polygamist tendencies in a man of today are highly subdued, but remain buried deep inside

On account of gradual evolution, education and cultural growth, men’s animal-like aggressive instincts and polygamist tendencies have been highly toned down, but they remain very much deeply buried in most men’s psyche.

It’s a woman’s tenderness, capacity to love him despite all his weaknesses and her inclination to lean on him for security, support and succor that makes the brute in the man to behave nicely with his woman. A man, heart of heart, thinks that he has compromised a lot from his basic instincts and that he deserves that much of extra love, respect and one-upmanship in his relationship with the woman.

Cause and effect?

11) Many men believe that women are gifted better histrionic capabilities that men can not match on equal footing.

Such men believe that if a woman can assault and hurt them with words, they have the right to use physical force to counter it and think there is nothing wrong in it. If a man is expected to digest a woman’s verbal onslaught post-fight, he thinks a woman is expected to digest his physical assault and call it a truce.

Over and above all these, there are several other unique aspects of men that are normally discussed in many books of psychology and those points are not repeated here.

If a woman can understand all these fine psychological realities about a man, she gets the right key to handle her man the right way. Women of previous generations had a better grasp of this reality than the present generation and they were far more successful in walking over the knife edge of life than the woman of present generation, who expect, want and demand total equality. Families break on account of such misunderstandings and women continue to remain the most emotionally affected lot in the bargain.

Related reading: Learning successful marriage tips from India