What is the ideal age gap between man and woman for marriage? – Real life Q&A – Counseling – Part 2

This is part 2 of questions from readers and answers given by me related to my article on What is the ideal age gap between husband and wife for marriage.

krutika 4 years ago

Dear Sir,

I got a sense of relief after reading this thoroughly.

I am actually dating a guy who is 12 yrs older. I will be 26yrs of age this year and he would be 38 yrs. He is single and so am i . We both find a lot of affection and practicality in our relationship.Our thoughts and ideals match. I was already in a relationship wid a guy who was 4 yrs elder to me and we studied together but sumhow i always found him immature and petty.

There is where the rift began,and i got attracted to this guy who is more sensible, softspoken , decisive and above all who i respect a lot. We both wish to go ahead and marry as we just feel our wavelengths our thots match.

But my family particularly my sister is of an opinion that this is abnormal , u wud have to rush up wid everything in life. U must marry a man iof ur age so that u both grow together. She tries to make me understand that i should just cut off from him. But honestly , i cant and he looks like any other smart guy. He doesn’t luk of his age . But i find myself highly compatible and want to go ahead. Now i really dont know how to convince my family. kindly help!!!

Thanks 🙂

Hi Krutika,

You are 26 and at this age, when you take a decision, it is based more on common sense after a careful analysis of the pros and cons. You can ask your sister who is objecting to your idea to read this article and also the so many discussions under the comments section.

As long as you are willing to give your love as well as respect for your man for the age difference, I sincerely hope things will workout fine. As I had written in some of the comments, I have seen successful couple with 12 year age gap in my earlier generation.

As long as you do not want one-upmanship in your relationship (like the present day youngsters want) and be content at that, it should be fine. You can definitely bend your man to your ways, but it could be through the force of unconditional love, rather than “demand as a matter of right” like the present day girls tend to do.

You can explain to your parents that you have weighed all this things well, made up your mind for the type of adjustments you are prepared to do; explain to them that your mental maturity calls for a compatible partner and as per your tastes, youngsters of your age don’t neatly fit in.

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

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akshay 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

I was surfing thru the net on this topic and came across your article. I am turning 30 years, and I am well settled doing good in IT profession. My parents have been looking for a suitable match since nearly 2.5yrs.

Recently we came across a very good match with respect to horoscope and other details (a one in 100 matches, they say). She also works in a well known MNC and she’s about 6years smaller to me. However the girl did not quite interest me with looks. So we kept it pending.

Now we came across with another profile and the girl is 10 years younger to me, and has not completed her studies. she intends to study after marriage, and comes from very rich and respected family background. They seem interested. while it seems acceptable to me, I am probably thinking on the age difference. Hope with your inputs, i take the correct decision. any comments you want to add Sir CV ?

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kd 4 years ago

hello sir,

Well im 16 and in love with a guy of 24. 8 yrs gap! and i think that im quite mature and our thoughts too match with each other. We have met online and haven’t met in person yet and will meet in another 1 or 2 yrs and then have quite a many plans ahead. We are very happy together. He is loving and really caring and above all he respects me nd my thoughts and ideas and so do i. It’ll almost be 9 months with him and i cannot imagine my life without him. There’s a great bond between us, a bond that keeps us together and a feeling of oneness. We didn’t hv any isues regarding age gap because we are very happy together. Recently my mother came to know about my relationship with this guy and she is against it epecially age gap bt me and my bf don’t hv any isues like that and he wants to marry me nd in other sense we both are committed to each other and very happy together.

Yesterday iv spoken to him about this and he told me to do what i want, to do what im comfortable with and he even told me to just keep this in my mind that “he is always with me” in whatever decision i take and i chose not to break up with him, i know that im young and hv my whole life and honesly iv really tried to stay out of this LOVE thing bt when i met him i automatically felt that he is the one. I want ur opinion regarding this and wether iv made the right decision…..pls answer

Hi kd,

I would rather call you “kid”!

16 years of age is one when you get mentally lured to the opposite sex and the one who lures you the best will look like the best person to fall in love!

It is your age and the brain chemicals that do all these mischief.

If it is a love developed on 1-to-1 meeting in person and sharing of feelings and ideas, to some extent I can accept that love.

But at my age of 54, I can never accept an on line, faceless love. You never know whether the other person is a genuine one, whether he is of the age that he declares (what if he is 40?) what if he is an AIDs patient who wants to have the thrill of romanticism through the harmless route of Internet?

Let’s leave such weird imaginations. Letr us assume he is genuine. What if, after 2 years when you really meet, the face-to-face meeting leaves a huge disappointment in you or in him on whatever you have conceived about each other on looks, personality etc?

I am old. My daughter sitting beside me, who is 24 and got just married, says this sort of Internet love affairs are dangerous. She is almost your generation.

Be exxxxxtttreeeemmmmmlllly careful, my dear girl. The world may not really be so nice as a 16 year old girls assumes it to be.

May God be with you to protect you and guide you.

C.V.Rajan

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angel jaipur 4 years ago

Sir,

I jst want to ask you one thing if a guy can be elder to a woman in marriage why cannot a girl be. Well do a diffrence of 5-6 years matters if a girl in love with a younger guy? Well anjali tendulkar is 6 years elder to sachin i read at google still they have successful marriage? How can you say that marriage is gona be unsuccessful if wife is elder to man? Do looks dnt matter? I seen many females who look just half der age. In that case if both guy and girl is compitable in looks, family status, mental level then what do you think if a girl marry a guy younger to him 5-6 years its wrong?

Angel Jaipur,

There are general things and there are exceptions. All those who smoke do not end up with lung cancer. All those who are drunkards do not get liver cirrhosis. But the possibility of getting lung cancer is more for smokers; for drunkards, the risk of getting liver cirrhosis is quite high.

Likewise, some of the traditional practices followed in the institution of marriage will be safe to follow for the majority of the cases. The risks of getting the marital relationships sour, in my opinion are more, if the age-gap is not proper. And there are exceptions.

In one of the recent discussions at Hubpages about premarital sex, almost 95% of western people participated in the discussion felt that pre-marital sex is necessary for a man and woman to know each other well before getting into wedlock. For us Indians, such an opinion would be quite shocking. But that’s the overwhelming opinion of the west. And such an opinion is definitely against the traditional wisdom and also against the wisdom offered by Bible.

If it were to be true, then the west should have the least divorce rates. But it is not so obviously. So, pre-marital sex is not going to assure a better relationship in future.

Likewise, any relationships ignoring the traditional wisdom may not ensure a good marital bond in majority of cases. And there are always exceptions.

C.V.Rajan

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richa 4 years ago

hii

m 22 and my BF is 33years old…we want to get married…will dis marriage be succesful???bcoz everybody is saying me it wont be succesful….. plzzz tell me.

You know, I write from India and many of my views are basically Indian. As the institution of marriage is still strong, respected and works in majority of cases in India, I am convinced that this system has sound sense.

Coming to the age gap of 11, I should say even in India, the practice of marrying with such a wide gap has virtually been discontinued even in my generation (a generation earlier to mine may have a few cases here and there).

But in at least one case I have seen a couple of my earlier generation with 12 years age gap between them. But they got married when the girl was just 14 and had no ideas of her own. At that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands just like creepers winding around the trees.

That acceptance without questioning perhaps brought in a beautiful bondage between them. They were one of very nice couples I had seen in my earlier generation.

But the only problem their marriage faced was that the husband passed away when he was about 70 and his wife, aged 58 had a very long widowhood to be spent without her closest companion around. She is quite fine now, living alone, but the lack of companionship at this old age does show in her emotional life.

All these are what I saw in an earlier generation to me.

Will the present day girl mold her life totally around a “senior” husband unquestioningly? Will their life be free of generation gap? Will the visible differences in looks trouble their life? Will the woman/ man get hurt if someone asks the girl “Is it your father?”

So, naturally there are lots of finer things in the present day state of affairs, mentalities, values, preferences etc. As long as you are willing to give your love as well as respect for your man for the age difference, I sincerely hope things will workout fine.

As long as you do not want one-upmanship in your relationship (like the present day youngsters want) and be content at that, it should be fine. You can definitely bend your man to your ways, but it could be through the force of unconditional love, rather than “demand as a matter of right” like the present day girls tend to do.

So, only a logical analysis about your tastes, temperaments, inborn nature etc without too much of interference of emotions can give give a right solution.

If you logically feel you are safe and also if your emotions say strongly to go ahead, then go ahead — with a commitment to do the needed sacrifice and adjustment in life, all in due respect to the love you have on your man. Then God will be with you.

C.V.Rajan

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Sathish Kumar 4 years ago

hello sir i m 29 years old & my girl to whom i m going to marry is 21 years old. she is well edjucated.she has done her MBA & i m undergraduate.I hv doubt that in future problems will come between us.At present she likes me but i have doubt abt future.i want your advice as soon as possible.I think you are the right person i can ask this question.

Hi Sathish Kumar,

Your girlfriend being better educated (and perhaps more intelligent) than you may come in as a thorn in your relationship, if your conjugal relationship is not built on love, caring, mutual respect and a good sexual life.

If something goes wrong, suddenly this issue may pop up either due to your inferiority complex of due to her superiority complex. If she starts earning more than you, then your complex may increase.

The best way is to talk it out openly now itself between you and make a solemn commitment not to allow education as an ego issue to come up between you. Please try.

C.V.Rajan


Suman 4 years ago

Hi Sir,

I am going to be 25 years old in january and im from india…i have been talking to a guy whom i know from past 2 months over chatting…he is also an indain but working in US from past 3-4 years…we have met only once as a stranger after that we started doing video chatting n all….he is 30 years old….he is good, caring, well settled, broad minded…. Actually i was going through a break up when i started talking to him and after few days he proposed me for marriage…initially i refused but now i have started liking him but him being 30 is preventing me from taking any further decisions. And i also think that its too early for me to get into another relationship as i had a breakup recently and i might be in rush to have someone to fill that gap….but i also dont want to regret that i missed a good opportunity…he fits in my life but this his age is my biggest concern…please help.!!!

Hi Suman,

With a broken relationship just behind you, getting hooked a man through vedio chatting etc etc (without direct face to face contact) is not something digestible to me at my age. I am old fashioned. Sorry! If you are really serious, then involve your parents and his parents. Know the family background, let the parents meet and then proceed with caution.

C.V.Rajan

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Swathi 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

First of all, thank you very much for such an insightful article. I’d also suggest the readers that the points discussed here are from a deeprooted Indian and I hope this prevents people from posting unnecessary and invalid questions for which the answers can be easily found by ‘studying’ the article and the few discussions that follow.

My queries are thus. I turned 21 this year. A medical student from a metro and have been exposed to the ‘modernity’ of the present world recently. By this i mean the valueless baseless moralless principles that are becoming rampant. I come from a traditional well educated South Indian family with value based upbringing. Now my very interest in surfing such articles isthat my parents have started

seeking for suitable alliances. Though it may seem a bit too early for someone who is yet to build a career of her own, there’s a valid reason. My parents had a late marriage(arranged) and they dont want to repeat the same mistake with me. My parents(9 years difference) have completed the successful silver jubilee of their marriage and i go with their opinion of an arranged marriage. Though i’m in agreement with their views i sometimes feel that i’m losing it somewhere. Is arranged marriage considered a weakness and incapability of a lady in modern times? I’m also kind of lost whenever the topic of marriage is raised. I agree with ur reasonable argument on the ideal age gap btw d partners but do you think an age gap of 7 or 8 years is applicable in today’s scenario where even 2 years is considered a generation gap? u might say yes but i really need an unbiased opinion here. It’d also be helpful if u can shed light on how to proceed in a typical Indian marriage(especially for introverts like me!)

Hi Swathi,

Thank you for your thoughtful post. Thanks for pointing out to others who have posted questions without reading the article!

As a man of older generation, I feel happy to come across a girl like you who seems to be comfortable the olden values and lifestyle.

As long as one is intent on a married life, I personally would prefer the marriage of the girl to be conducted around 20 to 24 years. The older one becomes, the tougher it becomes to adjust with a partner smoothly. I too believe that your parents are right in getting you married sooner.

If you are an introvert, I feel it is quite fine and suitable for you to go for arranged marriage, though love marriage is the in-thing today! The only attraction (in the eyes of present generation) in love marriage is that there is this thrill of romance before marriage. Present generation seems to carry a wrong notion that romance becomes non-existant after marriage. For from true. There is scope for romance more after marriage, particularly in arranged marriage, I would say!

Age gap of 2-3 seems to be becoming “normal” these days. But, it is my firm opinion that the benefit of longer age gap will be felt and appreciated more as one gets older.

My satguru Mata Amritanandamayi too spoke in favor of a wider age gap between husband and wife in one of her satsangs, though she acknowledged  that the present generation does not understand or appreciate the nuances behind such practices . So I appear to be safe in my line of arguments.

All the best!

C.V.R

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Cutieee 4 years ago

Hey sir ,Im from srilanka ,im 20 and a uni student .I do accept you 🙂 sir i always liked older guys i never liked my age or 3,4 years oldr guys coz i always wantd a guy who loves ,cares, protects me. I have never dated any guy coz im waitng 4 my soul mate.All of my friends (male& female) want to have fun.me and my dad is nt dat close either. wel recently i flt in love with a guy who is 33 bt he dsnt look 33 @ all he looks like 25 .he is singel ,educated guy bt he is always busy and he keep telng me that he is busy try to undstand n etc we are nt going out he is in abrd dng his phd. Plz sir help me.

Hi Cutee,

A 33 yr old man may give you protection, status, love, comfort etc if he too is serious to marry you; but he will be too matured for a romantic relationship if that’s what you long for (it looks that’s what you want now). At your age, expecting romance is natural. You have to sacrifice something to get something!

C.V.Rajan

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asps 4 years ago

sir, i just went trough your article and wanted to post my life story about my age gap here for some solution from you,Any way i am 33 years old guy. my parents have married me a girl who is 7 years older than me ignoring to me. i have not seen to the girl before my marriage though i stay far from my home in my work place. i always respect and believe to my parents, one day (2/5 years ago) they informed to me that, we have selected to a girl for your marriage, just take leave some days from your office and come to home and get marry and after 2 to 3 days i asked to them about her they said she is good and perfect match for you,i believed their words though i love and respect to my parents.

when i seen to the girl in the marriage day. i came to know that she was not a perfect candidate for me and a doubt came to mind about her age, finally i asked her in my receptions night about her age, she replied me, she is the five years older than me, but after some few days when i seen her date of birth certificate and kundali,i came to know that she is 7+ years older than me, when i asked her why you married me? as you and your family members knows i am is too younger than you. she gave me the example of sachin Tendulkar have married sangita who is 5 years older than him, so where is the problem if i have married you?,

from my receptions night to till date, there is no sex/love comes from my mind for her and also can’t accept her in my heart as a wife. i am just living alone with a disturbing family life in my work place. let me know sir how can i accept her as my wife, how can i keep with her a sexual relationship or stay together with her in my whole life?. what can i do in this situation in my life. A honest request to you for your valuable comments in this regards.

Hello ASPS,

It is painful to read your story. But I wonder how a person of your age can blindly leave a critical matter of your life entirely to the hands of your parents? I am sure there must be some hidden agenda somewhere.

Any way, I cannot offer any suggestions. Please seek guidance from a living saint/ Mahatma if you are spiritually oriented.

C.V.Rajan

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Kate 4 years ago

Hi. I’m happy I got to this site and have gone through quite a number of the questions posed and your responses. I thank God you are able to advice and use your experience to help others.

Now, I have a boyfriend who is 16 years older. I am 29 now and I am very matured and responsible. I have 1 child and he has 2 from a previous marriage. We share a lot of values and interest and have a lot of respect for each other. I think we could have a good life together but I sometimes worry about our age difference. He’s got a lot of experience given he has been married before and has done lots of things in his life. He seems to think that he is getting a second chance with me. I just worry he may be too old for me but I like him a lot. What do you think? I will be very glad to read from you. God bless you always.

Hi Kate,

You have mentioned that you share lots of common values, interest and respect for each other. If there is respect for good values, then the foundation looks strong.

The wider age gap can automatically help you to respect him, but conversely, it may lead to “loss of respect” for you after you get along with each other “without masks” after marriage.

Post marriage, he may tend to treat you as “kid” in your moments of emotional imbalance. As long as you don’t demand respect as a matter of right (which most westerners in marital life seem to do, leading to breakage of relationships) then it should be fine, I believe.

You have got 4/5 years of child bearing age ahead. With 3 existing (and possibly more) kids to take care, I believe the demand of sex will be secondary in your relationship. f your motherly instincts are better developed and if your man is going to love you for it, then the age gap should not matter, I think.

C.V.Rajan

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shafi 4 years ago

hai sir i am shafi 31 years old from India.

I m in love with my cousin (my mother’s brother daughter)

but she is 16 years younger to me. if i marry her any problems please help me on this regard

Hi Shafi,

16 is not a legally and physically correct age of your g/f to get married. Assuming that you get married when she becomes 21, you will be 37 years old!

Oh! If does not sound too good for me. Think again.

C.V.Rajan

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tavus 4 years ago

Hello everyone, i’m a man 44 years old and recently got friendly with a girl who is 24 years. i love her…and for her i’m like ultimate love. i’m unlike my age very young and active and look about 29- 30 years old tall and have a good build and Russian origin. until i saw this web page did not know what age difference can cause. i don’t want to ruin her life and not even my life. i have asked her many times if its fine with her or her parents and she says yes they have no objection. i love her a lot but i’m really confused as what to do? i have never married and this is my first time and perhaps last chance, and that as a love marriage. Please someone guide me…cause even love has made me blind. appreciating any help as already i’m in bad shape after i saw this web site. Thanks in advance.

Hi Tavus,

20 years is too wide a gap in my opinion. You have to think 5 times and you girlfriend has to think 10 times before jumping into marriage. Long term… long term… that’s always my concern.

C.V.Rajan

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KP 4 years ago

Hi C.V.Rajan,

I am in the same situation . My GF is 7 years younger than me. And when I asked her dad that i want to merry her daughter. He is telling me the age difference is unacceptable. what is your opinion ? Is it really unpractical to merry her for me ? My age is 25 and my GF is 19 years old.

Thanks for your Help in advance !

rose 4 years ago

hey i m 35 years old and my bf is 26, and he is deeply in love with me and wants to get married to me, i love him too, just want to have yr opinion about this age difference we shared for a relationship! thx

Ajay Prakash 4 years ago

hey i m 35 years old and my bf is 26, and he is deeply in love with me and wants to get married to me, i love him too, just want to have yr opinion about this age difference we shared for a relationship! thx

presious 4 years ago

hey i m 35 years old and my bf is 26, and he is deeply in love with me and wants to get married to me, i love him too, just want to have yr opinion about this age difference we shared for a relationship! thx

Rose/ Ajay prakash / Presius,

Forget it, if you want peace in life in the long run. (In your case, it may be even for the short run!)

C.V.Rajan

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Esther 4 years ago

Hi CV,am a 24 year old lady and my boyfriend is 25,initially we had bin talkn bwt getting married n all and we love each other very much,but i think our level of maturity is different n i feel our age difference might be a problem in the future,afta havn thot hard i have decided that i should break up with him.But the problem is i dnt knw hw 2 tel him becoz hes so convincd that our relationship can work and he hasn’t done anything wrong.Will it be fair to leave him?

Esther,

You seem to have the right thinking. Pl ask your B/F to read the article and the several comments and discussions here.

C.V.Rajan

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ROBERT 4 years ago

I have been proposing to a girl for more than a year now. In fact we are all dedeicated christians. She still tells me to wait because he doesn’t see me when he prays what should I do. If I dont marry her then I will remain single forever for I love her so much. I’m 22 and she is 21.

Hi Robert,

Today (at 22 years of age) you will say that you will remain single for rest of life without her. At 19, you would have said “I will commit suicide without her”.

At 27 you will be a married person with another girl, and will be walking with your kid in your shoulders!

Life is like that!

C.V.Rajan

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Ana 4 years ago

You are an idiot and this article is useful for narrow minded morons.

Hi Ana,

Thanks for the certificate!

C.V.Rajan

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VIVEK KUMAR 4 years ago

I NEED YOUR SUGGESTION.MY FRIENDS SON IS 22YEARS OLD AND WANT TO MARRIAGE WITH A GIRL WHO IS 4 YEAR ELDER.

IS THIS IS OK.IF NOT THEN WHAT SHOULD WE DO.

THANKS

Vivek Kumar,

22 yrs is too young an age to get married — that too to a 26 year old girl! What sort of mental maturity does the boy have to tackle an over-mature 26? I simply cannot digest such quirky combos!

C.V.

jb 4 years ago

hi,am 27 and 1 year older than my gf.i ve known her since childhood.and we are planning on getting married soon.Are we making the right decision considering our age difference?

HelpSeeker 4 years ago

Sir,

I’m 24 yrs old and I’m falling in love with a girl who may be 4yrs younger to me. She’s my junior at college. Do you think I should go ahead on this? Please help!!!!!!

thank you very much. that was really informing and true to some extent…

mars 4 years ago

hii sir my girl friend is 2 and5 month older than me and i love her from last 10 years n i can’t live without her but there is a problem that she doesn’t love me but i really can’t live without her bcoz she is my first and last love of my life and she is my every thing plz suggest me what should..

guy from andhra 4 years ago

hi sir.

Am 22. a guy who hate taking advises from strangers. but after going thru ur view on this issue. i felt u r the ideal person from whom i can seek help as i cant ask my father abt this issue (typical south indian i am).i have a sis-in-law who is still 14. so she is 8 yrs younger to me. i feel her as an angel and really love her to the most. both my parents and her parents are supportive and very mingle well. the only prob i hv is that i still dint reveal my love to her. i am going abroad for few yrs for my study. when i return she will be 16 to 18(age at which she might get attracted some others. i dont want to loose her. and also i dont think its right to reveal abt my love to her now as she is still small. so i ask ur help. plss help me. thnks in advance. waiting for ur intellectual reply in advance.

Hi Guy from Andhra,

You are right that it is not proper on your part to propose your love to a 14 yr kid.

But I won’t like to extrapolate and scheme for things on what can happen after 3/4 years when you go abroad.

If you worried that the 14 year-old girl can get attracted by another man during your absence, the same thing can happen to you too! Who knows, you may find another angel, more beautiful and more appealing there abroad?!

Marriages are still made in heaven, even though we plan and scheme many things here on earth. So, if your love and attraction for the “14 yr old angel” is strong enough, you may be able to woo her when you come back. Perhaps without the hint of love, you can keep in regular touch that girl through e-mails, by giving her gifts whenever you return to India during the course of your study etc.

If your love is sincere and genuine, perhaps God may come to your help to keep it alive? Who knows?

C.V.Rajan

Celina 4 years ago

Sir,

I am 27yrs old my husband wuld b 41 in march, we’ve been married 4 5yrs wit 3 kids. B4 d marriage, he used to be nice n sweet but Since we got married, he has never been romatic 2 me. He talks n instruct me lyk a maid or a daugter even in public, he wants me 2 always do n accept his wish even if dey are against mine, he always claim 2 b right over every issue we have. It has not been easy 4 me! But dis yr, i have decided 2 plz him no matter wat n sacrifice all my desire n wish of a happy marriage. Since we got married he has been d one taking care of me n right nw i am in d university. He gives me everything but nt love. If i complain about how he is treatin me, he gives several conditions dat i need 2 meet up wit.

Pls. Sir, advice from u wuld be very much appreciated. I am a christian. Thanks in advance.

Celena,

With 14 years age gap, it is but natural that your 41 yr old husband is not offering the “romantic love” that you long for. At 41, he is more of a mature, boss-like, and father-like person.

As a Christian, you are already following Bible’s way of being obedient and respectful to your husband. He is also giving you love, affection and protection in his own way but perhaps with the romanticism of youth missing! What to do? Take it as God’s will and accept what God has given you.

Who knows, had you married a man just 2/3 years older, you might have got romantic love, but perhaps the care, security, wisdom, mental balance and mental maturity may be missing and you might be longing for them from him at times!

Acceptance is the key to peaceful life.

C.V.

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Pawan kumar 4 years ago

HATS OFF!!!!! SIR FOR YOUR NICE SUGGESTIONS ON SUCH TYPE OF PROBLEMS…….. KEEP IT UP!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU WITH A LONG AND PROSPEROUS LIFE…………….

Hi Pawankumar,

Thanks a lot for your kind words of appreciation and wishes.

C.V.Rajan

beaconhouse 4 years ago

hi,

Really nice article you wrote, I want to discuss one or two things with you. I am 25 and my parents wants me to marry a girl who is 19. After reading your article I think their might be benefit for both of us. Also I want to ask your opinion on marrying within the family, because the girl im talking about is also my cousin. Keep posting good articles, thanks

Help Seeker,

I don’t see any problem!

C.V.

JB,

A girl known from chilhood. One way, she is a known devil and thus better than an unknown angel! If you are the type who would rather go for a comfortable, known and predictable way of life, perhaps it may be fine. But there is another side – “Familiarity breeds contempt” so goes the old saying. Think and decide what is comfortable for you.

C.V.

Beaconhouse,

Age difference in your case is good. But marrying a “cousin”? What exactly is the relationship? Is she your father’s sister’s daughter? Is she your mother’s brother’s daughter? In olden days, such marriages were quite common. But biologically, such marriages are not preferred by scientists, because of the fact that the offspring from such marriages have possibility of propagating genetically carried ailments (like diabetes, hyper tension etc) in a stronger way. But, culturally, such marriages are still practiced in India, mostly in rural areas.

C.V

Mars,

I am not an emotional or sentimental guy who can ever understand statements like “I can’t live without her” and “first and last love”, especially when the “older” girl has no love for you!

Come on guy! There are umpteen girls around this world! How do you know for sure that this is your “last love”? Time will cure every hurt, make you forget your emotional quirks, your boyish idiosyncrasies as you grow older and mature!

Grow up man!

C.V.

Bhadra 4 years ago

Honestly, if I want to marry a man a year younger than me, and we are very happy with each other, what is the problem? I find it more acceptable than marrying a man ten years older.

hisicha 4 years ago

I and my husband is 10 years apart. I am 25 and he is 35. My equation for age gap between husband n wife is

husband age + wife age divided by 2

in my case

35+25/2=30

so we both have to act as if we both are 30 years old

calculate urself

thanx

Piyush 4 years ago

Hello, I love a girl who is 24 and I am 18.. But we both love each other very much … So is it sured that we will get problems later?

Hisicha,

A very interesting calculation indeed and it makes sense too!

C.V.

Piyush,

Let us assume that you will be ready for marriage by 26 mentally (with the needed maturity for a married life) and financially. At that time, your “woman” will be 32 years old! She will have just 3 more years of safe child bearing age.

When you will be a mature, still young man at 40, your wife will be a rather middle-age-approaching lady of 46.

You decide for yourself.

C.V.

rose 4 years ago

my age is 19 and my boy friend age is 21.we r loving each other.there is any problem to marry my boy friend.any age problem is there to marry.

Praveen 4 years ago

Dear Sir

I m 28 and getting proposal to marry a girl 21 yrs of age. I am well over with a 3 yrs relationship which was 6 years back. It’s my parents wish for me to get married soon as I am their only child. But I want some more time to settle in my career as I have just completed my studies and started working. Apart from these factors, the girl doesn’t have any professional education and I do believe in a working couple. Rest all like our physical compatibility, astro, family are matching well. What should i do? Will be thankful for your suggestion.

Praveen,

28 + 21 is a very good age combo in my opinion. Regarding your other aspirations (to settle in a career, to have a career for your wife too etc) are fine, but if your independent earning is good enough to run a decent family life (without extravaganza, without borrowing money, without going for for big loans to buy a car or a flat in a hurry!!) I personally feel a romantic and affectionate married life will be possible for you. Putting too many “I want this way only” has the potential to spoil the joy of a marriage at the early years!

You decide!

C.V.Rajan

Raaj 4 years ago

Hi Rajan Sir,

I simply loved the care and attention you paid while writing each of your comments. And of course, not to mentioned the pearls of wisdom you shared in these comments.

Even a casual read of these comments is immensely beneficial to all.

I want to congratulate you whole-heatedly and please keep up the good work…

May god smile upon you and your family always sir..

Take care and regards…

– Raaj.

Hi Raaj,

Thanks a lot for your kind words of appreciation and wishes.

C.V.

—————————————————————————–

Lili 4 years ago

i am 34 my boy friend is 26 , it has been 1year and half since we met each other he wants me to marry with him but i have a fear for my future , pleas help

Lili,

Think of this. In another 2/3 years, you will be out of safe child bearing age. God forbid, if you could not conceive during this period, what happens?

Let us look ahead further after 10 years. You will be a woman of 44, soon approaching your menopause. At that time your hubby will still be a youthful 36. If there were no kids for you, what sort of bondage will keep your “still young” husband hooked to a near-middle-aged woman that will be you?

Your boy friend is rather a boy now. As a mature woman you should use your head and take a balanced decision.

C.V.Rajan

sanjay 4 years ago

Hello sir,

I am 31 and half and I m in a good job. I got a proposal for a girl who is 20 yr old and doing her graduation( Part I). Girl is beautiful.She and her parents are ready for this marriage, but I worried about the 12 year age gap between us and also about her studies. Is it true that after 50 year of age, men starts to look more older than women?Please advise me what should I do?

Sanjay,

It is fairly true. Unless men take serious efforts to moderate diet, do good exercise to keep them very fit, and use a fair doze of hair dye, the aged look beyond 50 cannot be avoided. With 12 years of age gap, assuming that your wife retains a fairly young look, there is always a risk of someone asking you, “Is that your daughter?”

If you and your wife could be mature enough to laugh it away, it will be fine! For that, you have to really become very close and affectionate couples. For that, you have to put extra efforts to “close the age gap” between you by being affectionate, loving, and above all “romantic” (that’s what many girls want to day) right from the beginning.

Please talk to the girl frankly and then decide.

All the best

C.V.Rajan

sanjay 4 years ago

sir, one aspects is the looking(father and daughter) in large age gap( 12 year). sir, what about the sexual relation after say after 10 years.( groom- 32 yrs and bride- 20 yrs)

Sanjay,

Men with good physique, peaceful mind and adequate time to spend in home without tension(not like the too-busy executives of today who slog out in IT firms from morning till midnight) can be sexually active till even 60 years of age. A man of 32 years can definitely be a “mature performer” having the right attitude towards sex with emphasis and keenness of intent in satisfying the partner (rather than doing a selfish and hurried act).

If that maturity and with a natural urge and flair for sex exists in the man, then both the partners are greatly benefited. For the man — a very young and physically attractive partner to make love with. For the woman, a wonderful performer who can take her to great heights! If such a chemistry works out, the woman will become madly full of love for her man, unmindful of the age gap.

If such a chemistry can exist by God’s grace between the couple, sex is no issue. It can be great. It can continue for years further. In the previous generations, it did.

C.V.

————————————————————————————–

YK 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

I’m in a very serious problem with my gf now.. I just got to know yesterday that she would be 26 this year and i’m 22… I love her so much and we’ve been together for almost 2 years now and we have not been happy after we got to know that i am about 4 years younger than her… I’m finding quite difficult to let go of her and i really can’t believe that i’ve wept so much because of her.. I don’t know if i should let her leave my life or still continue with the relationship cos i don’t intend to get married in the next years even though i don’t have any problem with her age. She knew i was younger all these while and she had been showing me respect like i was quite older than her. I’m so confused right… I need an help soon please. Thank you

YK,

This is my personal opinion: If a girl knows pretty well that you are younger (but you didn’t know it all along), it means she was intentionally hiding it to you and she is the sort of girl who wants to dominate and keep things the way she wants it. Perhaps that face is not revealed now as a lover.

Assuming that you are ready for marriage at 27, she would be 31-yer-old woman at that time, with 4 years of safe child-bearing age ahead of her.

Please think and decide.

C.V

Ven 4 years ago

Hi, i am 23 this year and my boyfriend is 2 years younger to me, is it a bad idea? Will there be any odd issues later on in life, we just met and are going out for 3 weeks now. Kindly advise.

Hi Ven,

My views are expressed in the article and in so many other replies.

C.V

nikita 4 years ago

hello sir my name is nikita and my age is 18 yr. i m very confuse bcoz my father see a boy and his age is 28yr he is 10year elder for me. so what can i do this is good or bad for my life plz suggest me.

Hi Nikita,

10 year age gap is rather high in the present day standards. If you are agreeable to a man who may tend to boss over you, who will be affectionate but not too romantic, whose opinions may be found to be a shade old fashioned to you and hence indigestible to you on occasions and if you are essentially a timid and submissive girl by nature, then go ahead.

C.V.Rajan

Katie 4 years ago

I’m 17 and my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been together for a year and two months and I don’t think we will ever break up. Our love runs deep and we’ve been through a lot together. From both our parents going through divorces, to breaking bad addictions, to starting healthy lifestyles together, we’ve gone thought it all. I’m worried about going to college because I don’t want him to follow me and ruin the great life he has made here for himself, but I don’t want to break up either. We will definitely do the long distance thing and I know it will work because I’m going to an ivy league college and he is great at long distance relationships. Even if we stay together for a while, is 8 years too much? I know the article says no but I want your honest opinion. I do not doubt my love for him. I doubt if we’ll be ready for the same things at the same time. Hes ready to get married and buy a house, im still working on my SAT scores… Is our age difference too much?

Katie,

If your fundamentals of values and principles about a good married life for the life-time are firm, if you are mature enough to accept the realities of the age gap (it has been discussed across several replies), I do feel that you can go ahead with the relationship. 8 year age gap was normal in my generation, though not now.

C.V.

keeks 4 years ago

Wow, what a bunch of anecdotal BS. You obviously have NO idea what you are talking about. Social psychology research has clearly indicates that older woman/younger man marriages are among the healthiest. Do your research.

4 years ago

dats right…relatipnship depnds upon love not age..

Ellana 4 years ago

Oh . My God you are so agist, good job you’re in India!! you can keeop your agist comments in India!!!

Ellana 4 years ago

I think this is typical of muslim countries!! an old man can marry a teenager if he has money…you are ”totally against” older woman marrying younger man right?? suppose you think an old woman is anyone over 25? My guy IS older than me but that’s by the by. God help women in those countries I say!! they get treated like chattels, cooks and cleaners and no matter how fresh and young they may be, will end up looking like homely old maids at beyond 30.

Keeks, m and Ellena,

It is true that I write as an Indian, mostly to Indian audience who find our age-old wisdom as not something to be thrown to dustbins.

In India, the ideal is a long term relationship. It is a culture still sustaining over tens of thousands of years. Our value systems are different from the west, though western influence is very strongly shaking the cultural basement nowadays.

Peace and harmony are the watchwords in an ideal Indian marriage. Sacrifice more than freedom of choice is always given importance for sustaining the marriage. It is however true that in the adjustment process, women have to sacrifice more. In India, motherhood is the fruit of marriage for women. Traditionally, women are prepared to give that extra pound of flesh to be excellent mothers by living together with the father of her children for life.

To achieve that, the tips given here (in this article and the replies) are expected to be useful.

Ellena – India is a typical Hindu country – not a muslim country, though a vast population of Muslims too are living in India.

C.V.Rajan

cj 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

I have a big dilemma, I am 23 years old young lady and my boyfriend is 41 years old guy. and our age gap is 18 years. both of us are christian but at one point, our friends & family keep on telling the both of us that we are fishing at the wrong pond. Should we consider our fam & friends opinion or just go on with our relationship and we just dated for 1 month plus.

cj,

Just dating for 1 month and you want to jump into a relationship with a “father like” figure? 10 years from now, you will be a 33 year old, still looking young lady and the man will be 51 year old middle age-crossed person. It is quite likely that some one may ask you about your husband “”Is that your father?”

I would rather like you to listen to your family and friends.

C.V.

sj 4 years ago

Hi, I just came to know about your wonderful site! I am 27yrs this November . Got a marriage proposal from a guy, who seen my profile in matrimony. she is 23-6-1994 born..and am 80 born 2-11-1984. The groom is 9 yrs elder to me. Will that work out in the long run?Pl reply at the earliest. Thanks .

kabir 4 years ago

i am 7month younger dan my girlfrnd n we want to get married is there any problem in that ??

any suggestion ??

Abhi 4 years ago

Dear sir,

I m 30 and my marriage is fixed by the guardians with a girl of 20. Is it right ?

Abhi,

Please read several of my earlier comments which deal with similar questions.

C.V.

hannah 4 years ago

Hi sir,

I m now 19 yrs old and my boyfriend is only 24 days elder yo me….so m really very confused to myslf, and also we love each other very much and we planned to get married only after completing our higher engineering studies both of us …

So sir, i will be very happy if you guide me with your opinion because both of us me and my bf wans to live a very very happy life…n i dont want to make his life unhappy later by being not perfect wife.

Hannah,

Actually everyone wants to have a “very very happy life” (and married life in particular) but somewhere on the way, we lose track!

In your case, age gap is quite fine, provided you get married at the right age (between 21-23 for a girl, in my personal opinion). Then you will have the right age, romance, absence of too-much-grown-up-syndrome to enjoy the little pleasures of of the age and so on.

Unfortunately, for many people, educational goals, career goals etc come on the way to play spoilsport on the simple and memorable pleasures of early married life. If one partner is willing to adjust and sacrifice more, then at least one person can run behind goals and the other one will be available for support.

If both run after goals, then the marital life gets secondary importance and the joy of togetherness gets diluted. Then “very very happy life” becomes a mirage!

All the best to you.

C.V.Rajan

hannah 4 years ago

Thank you very must sir, for your responds to my problem……yes sir it is vry difficult for two person to live a very happy life for forever. And sir one thing again i will like to get from you…..i mean does lovers of same year can live happily later? Or is their any sexual problem when girl becomes same age to boy and he loses his attraction towards his wife in middle age i life?

C.V.Rajan 4 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

anna 4 years ago

I am 6 months older than my boy friend. any suggestion?

jas 4 years ago

hello sir my age is 27 nd my girfriend’s age is 22 nd our parents are ready for marriage ,but i think that she is too young than me guide me sir

Graina 4 years ago

If I may be honest, I am just amused by the conviction with which you have written such a superficial fragment of thought.

Graina,

Whether it is superficial or not depends on whether a sound logical argument is presented or not. I believe it has been presented, as this article of mine is the most read and most commented articles of all my articles in the web.

I don’t do any promotion of this article. No back links. I get about 10,000 page views a month for this article.

C.V.

gita 3 years ago

sir like anna said is there any physical problems or mental problems in having any relation with a younger boy bth only in some months difference ??

gita 3 years ago

* bt only in some month difference. 🙂

jas 3 years ago

thank you sir, for your response…

Ourladyofsowrrows 3 years ago

Really if you really love the person then go for it. Age is but a number and always will be but if you 16 and you marry a 56 year old man and or women. Then that’s a huge gap. But if you are 18 and you marry a 19 year then so be it.

gita 3 years ago

thank you for your suggestion Ourladyofsowrrows 🙂 i really liked what you said 🙂

C.V.Rajan 3 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

gita,

It’s all about longevity of a good marital relationship that involves love, affection, care, good sex and financial stability — all to be considered in the long run. Sex may not be the issue when you both are, say, upto 30 years old. But at the age of 45, the man may start looking elsewhere for sex, if there is no good marital bondage in all other respects.

C.V.

gita 3 years ago

Thanku sir 4 ur nice advice i will keep in mind 🙂

Imran 3 years ago

Hello sir, I am from Tamilnadu and of 82 born in muslim family.. Recently I got a proposal for marriage of girl born in 80. My family is not OK with this age difference. We both are professionally well qualified. I need your suggestion whether to go ahead on this or not. I haven’t met this girl. But planning to meet and decide on further proceedings after detailed discussion with her. I need your help to decide.

Imran,

It depends on whether such a marriage is prevalent widely in your culture. If it is so, what is your observation of similar couples in your community? Do they lead a healthy and comfortable married life?

If I am right, male domination is still strong in Muslim societies (stronger than Hindu families). Naturally, that one-upmanship mentality will be strong amidst Muslim men, I suppose. If that is the natural tendency, then I would say that man should be the senior partner in marriage.

The above is to do with the cultural aspects. The biological and other psychological advantages behind men marrying younger women are already elaborated in my article.

C.V.

Ujunwa 3 years ago

I am dating with a boy dat is 21 year old and am 19 geting 2 20 is normal if we proceed 2 marriage

A.L 3 years ago

I love this girl who is 19 and i am 20, we are planning to get married very soon. But i am worried because the age difference is very small, please advise me. Is this a right/wrong decision

P.S i love her very much

mj 3 years ago

l think age doesn’t matter in a relationship but it depends how much u care for eachother..so marrying a older woman is not so bad as said by cv..so keep on all lovers

MOON 3 years ago

HELLO,

I AM 19 YEARS OLD AND MY GIRL FREIND IS 37 YEARS OLD SHE WANT TO MARRY WITH ME IS IT RIGHT PLEASE HELP ME????

C.V.Rajan 3 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

Hi Moon,

At 19 you are a boy for sure, but I get bemused when you call a 37 year old lady as a “girl”friend!

If that lady is filthy rich, is going to give you access to all her wealth to you after marriage and if she is going to leave behind all that she has, in your name after her death, then go ahead and marry her!!

C.V.

Angel 3 years ago

hi sir, I am 17 and my bf is 23. we have five and a half years difference. we are happy together but I do get confuse sometimes because of the age difference. we are planning to get married when i turn 21. we are happy together. we understand each other but the age difference really makes me think about it once.

do you think it work in future??

Angel,

Why? What is the problem? If you have read my article, yours is a nice age difference according to me.

C.V.

Angel 3 years ago

It is a good age difference, but because he is older than me, i always get to hear from my friends that “don’t go out with him, he is older than you”. i can’t take him out with my friends because he doesn’t get involved with us, and i am scared that it can keep happening in future as well.

Angel,

While friends circle seems to be the most important thing when you are not married, it is not so after marriage. After marriage, friendship with the spouse is the most important thing. If a nice friendship develops between husband and wife, then old friendships fade away (or become much less significant) gradually.

Going around with a “boy” of your age may look most attractive and the in-thing to do, but need not really be good for you when the relationship ripens to a marriage.

C.V.

Deepika Arun 3 years ago from Chennai, India

You are a SUPER HIT dad! 😉 Future la sema profession in hand! 😉

Ashok Kumar T 3 years ago

Sir Genius sir neenga.. Deepika: U must be proud of ur dad !!!! I wonder how this man attained this much of vast knowledge about relationship.. Sema gethu ..

Angel 3 years ago

That made me feel so much better sir. Thanks a ton!!

Thank you.

pawan kumar 85 3 years ago

hello sir last week i had share my porblem with you but i did not give your suggestion. this time again i am requesting you to suggest me my problem is- i born in january 1985 and my girl friend born in 25-09-1990. i want to go for marrige with her . i just want to know is it long age gape . should i continue this relation or quite it. people used to tell us that we have long gape plz suggest me what should i do

Pawankumar,

If you had read my article, you would have found that it has already been answered. It is my opinion that 5 years is a nice age gap.

C.V.

praveen 3 years ago

hi sir , iam age of 27 n her age is 16 i dont know whether it will work out n what to do but i dont want to cheat her . can i marry her is there any problem of getting married . plz message me soon as possible

C.V.Rajan 3 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

Praveen,

You will marry the girl when she turns 21? That’s 5 years from now. At that time, you will be 32 year old! Too long an age gap as well as too long a period (5 years) to imagine what can happen in these 5 long years!

C.V.

Sudha 3 years ago

my name is sudha.i am 25 years and my husband is 37.we crossed our 2 years after marriage.we are living happily.

At the time of marriage i thought age difference is not one mainthing.but my friends married with correct age gap(2-5)years.They are telling u r wrong!.i am confused. plzzz give me the solution.

sudha 3 years ago

sir plz give me the solution.i felt very guilty to discuss this problem with others.give the sln as soon as possible.

Hi Sudha,

You have said you are married for 2 years and you are living happily. Then what? Such age gaps were common in earlier generations and there were couples leading happy married lives. So what is the problem? Acceptance is the key to a good marriage. Ignore comments from friends; ignore what is discussed in this article.

It is your life. It has been fixed in a particular way by God already. And you are happy! Don’t allow any other negative thoughts to confuse you. You will have a long and happy married life together for the years to come.

All the best.

C.V.

sameer 3 years ago

sir,

I got married a women who is 7 years old than me,i did not know about her age before, when i asked her age about before my marriage to their family members, her elder sister was told me her wrong information about her date of birth as she was too old. i got marry in arrange marriage as per my parents wish. after my marriage one day i asked to my wife about her age? she replied me that she is older than me and after that when i checked her date of birth certificate i came to know that she is 7 years old than me, since that day i could not keep a proper relationship as like as husband & wife with her. many questions is coming to my mind which makes me distress, disturbance and a unhappy family life.i am living alone in my workplace since that day. love, affections, sex would not comes to my mind for her. i have no kids.i got married in last 3 years back. could you please sir guide me in this regards, what should i do in this situation?

Hello Sameer,

It is painful to read your story. But I wonder how a person of your age can blindly leave a critical matter of your life entirely to the hands of your parents? I am sure there must be some hidden agenda somewhere.

Any way, I cannot offer any suggestions. Please seek guidance from a living saint/ Mahatma if you are spiritually oriented.

CVR

Gauri 3 years ago

Hello sir,

I m 23 and my parents have arranged my marriage with a 29 year guy who is well settled.we know each other from a couple of months & i like almost everything about him. despite of this i think that i m getting married at very early age and so a bit disturbed whether everything will be alright after our marriage???Actually i had never expected that all these things would be settled so early.Please guide me how to handle this.

Hello Gauri,

It looks everything perfect to me in your case and I wonder what is there to worry about! 23 is too young to get married? What do you mean? To me, it is the perfect age! At 23, you are mature, physically quite youthful, should be quite attractive too, will have the charm of a girl still that will be a great attraction to your man!

The older you grow, the more womanish you become. With it comes more “I-want-it-this-way-only” attitude, inflexibility, difficulty in give-and-take etc. You will have a long period ahead of you to plan your pregnancy and perhaps if you are careful, you can enjoy the joy of togetherness with your partner for long before you become a mother.

I am afraid girls of present generation are not looking deeper into such aspects and simply follow what every one says in the peer group!

C.V.

Gloria 3 years ago

Hello, I read you’re page here and found it quite informative! I agree with most everything you’ve said. My boyfriend is 14 years older than me, (20 and 34). Your thoughts? We have a serious relationship and are going to get married within the next few years. He is immature for his age, while I am mature for my age, and we are almost on the same level. He also looks closer to being 25 rather than his actual age. Do you think this relationship could work with the respective age gap? Thank you!

Gloria,

Some women are comfortable with a “fatherly” person as their husbands. If they get into marriage fully grasping the limitations of the large age gap and if there is a genuine bondage of love that can stand the test of time for long, it could work out.

There are two or three major impediments:

1) Aged look of a the husband after, say, 15 years from now. There is a possibility that someone may refer to your husband as your “father”. You and your hubby must be able to laugh it away.

2) The husband must be mature enough not to be jealous or make issue if you happen to talk friendly with younger males; for some men, such inferiority complex may come.

3) If the husband dies, say at 75, the wife will be hardly 61 and she will have a long widowhood to spend without company.

You can think over and decide. If a strong bond of love exists and if it is really true(!), then both of you can sit together and take a favorable decision.

C.V.

Harnapauri 3 years ago

I m a bishnupriya manipuri(hindu) (non-tribal manipuri) boy, I m in love with a christian girl. But the problem is not our community is very strict, our caste is kshatriyi but we are very near to brahmins also because a brahmin can eat food when we cook food. For this reason our caste status very high. We cannot marry any another with community of mainline hindus also, except with the other manipuries. So my lover being christian will totally be not allowed. What should I do? Will I leave her or go on with her?

subramanian 3 years ago

Sir,

I am in love with a girl 5 years younger than me.I am 27 and she is 22,we have a good chemistry with each other but she is still a kid who has serious career ambitions.I am at a well developed stage of my career and am patient and mature in the relationship but she is often very stubborn prioritizing her education over even contacting me and leaves me high a dry for a longtime.Whenever we talk i can see and feel the love in her eyes but then her priorities seem to strong for us to run a regular,practical relationship. what do you think?

Hi Subramanian,

It looks it is one of the present day trends of girls, for whom marriage is not in the priority list even at the right age of marriage (21-24)! It looks some fun in the form of love, or flirting or some romantic encounters is fine, but it need not necessarily end up in marriage quickly!

It looks present day girls prefer a much shorter age gap (2/3) because they want the boy to be in tune with her career ambitions; their dominance needs to be accepted by the boys. They think the age for marriage is somewhere in 26/27 only when they start losing their girlish charm.

Perhaps I am an old man, getting out of tune with the present day trends and crying hoarse to a dwindling audience why time-tested practices are still valid.

I feel that if priorities are different and if one has limited scope for adjusting and sacrificing for the sake of the other, then tough times are ahead if the relationship were to end up in marriage.

C.V.

ailin 3 years ago

im 31 years old my boy friend he is 29 ,we meet each other in univercity ,he was my teacher ,i loved him so much but to night i leaved him ,beacause he said to me we cant marry never with each other because you older than me ,we just can be friend, i live in muslim country, he said in our tradition it couldent be , after 5 month,i feel my hurt is broken but i think i can find my way again .i want to open my hurt to the world,i say to my self dont give up tommorow is another day.

nima 3 years ago

i m a girl of 15 yrs and i m getting married with 29 yr old guy…..actually itz a love marriage and our parents have agreed to it . if i want my kids after 7 yrs of my marriage i.e afta completing my 12 cls…….so will it be fyn or any problemmmm???

Angela 3 years ago

I married my husband at age 35. He is 13 years older than I am. I am pleased to say that 14 years later, with him helping me raise my three boys from a previous marriage, our marriage is stronger than ever. Not that the trip hasn’t been rocky (at year 3 and then again at year 5) but we held on, found our way back to each other and are at such a good place. It can be done and done well.

ritish 3 years ago

hello sir. iam so proud of you you wrote this page as a indian. now i come to my problem i go to marriage with a girl she is 7 years younger than me. and iam phsicaly well but god gives very black color.but she is fair. so realy afraid this cause she did not like me.i am very confused .please give me a good answer.

Smita 3 years ago

Helo sir…..! I am 23 yr old girl…my boy is 4 months younger than……he is currently working in an MNC is it ok to marry him….am confused abt this…..kindly help me out… Thanx a ton smita!

 

C.V.Rajan 3 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

Smitha,

Read the article and some of the subsequent Q & As. Then it is up to you to decide what is good for you!

C.V.Rajan

Anisha 3 years ago

C.V.Rajan sir,When you are in love with someone do you think age gap matters?

Anisha,

When you are in love, many things including age gap do not matter. After marriage, many things that didn’t matter when you were in love can turn to become matter of concern in practicality!!

C.V

Subrata 3 years ago

Sir, I want to get marry a girl 16 year younger to me.I am 35, she is 19.I am science graduate.She is studing graduation.She respects me a lot.Our mentality is same.Her parents want to marry her with me. But she want to marry me after the completion of her graduation.I will have to wait her for 2 years.The age gap is also a problem.What should I do? Please give me sussetion.

Subrata,

16 years is too long a gap. As she gets matured while she completes her studies, who knows how her mind set may change in the next couple of years?

Think of 5 years from now. You will be 40 and she will be 24. Assuming that you don’t get a child at that period, she may still look youthful, young and attractive like an unmarried woman. What will be your feelings if she mingles and laughs with her male colleagues of her age freely? Will you get depressed? Will you become too possessive and start doubting your wife’s fidelity?

Think of 15 years from now. You will be a middle aged person at 50 and she will still be a woman at 34. What if someone asks her, pointing at you, “Is that your father?”

What I am trying to say is, whether such things happen or not, any large deviations from normal practices have every potential to complicate life.

C.V.

Subrata 3 years ago

Sir, I understand your words. I am100% sure she will get merry to me.Althoug I am 35 but any one can guess I am below 30 due to my sleem and low hieght physical appearence.We are belongs to village in medium standard family. I have seen sevaral succsessful such couples in my locality. I cannot think other as my wife.Please show me a way.

Subrata 3 years ago

And also a problem for me that in my area maximum girls are available for marriage between 18 to 20.It is also a headache.Only ugly girls are available 20 onwards.

Subrata,

If you are from village and if long standing practices in the culture in around your village generally accept such a wide age gap and if your girl does not really analyze too much about it and accept it as a reality, then I think you can go ahead!

All the best to you!

C.V.

Subrata 3 years ago

Thank you for your suggestions.

CC 3 years ago

I married a man seven years younger than me and we’re happy. Your opinion or anyone else’s doesn’t really matter much to either one of us.

Mohsin ali 3 years ago

“Hey cv.rajan you r just a big looser, and even not a word of your article has any significance. You r a totally biased person towards man and you lied a number of times in the article”. All the readers please dont follow this bullshit . I am writing a counter article in response to this bullshit which will guide you correctly and will elaborate all the aspects of this important issue.

First of all there is no such thing that females mentally matures significantly earlier than males, if it is true than why in most of love marriages, couples are of same age???. The reason is that girls and boys matures simaltaneously and their mental levels are almost same at same age so they get involved in each other and fall in love. In united states, more than 50% couples have an age difference of 1-2 years. Now if we talk about physical maturity than if a girl gets menses at 13 than a boy will most probably ejaculate at 15 so its mean that there is no such significant difference as cv.rajan point out.

Couples of same age are like friends which live their life with mutual understanding and no sense of greatness is developed in males, but conservatives minded man like cv.rajan who wants to rule over women, wants a larger age gap to achiêve this goal . So in my opinion cv.rajan article is a bullshit, having no logical ground, and completely biased. I recommend all the readers not to follow the advice of this ill-minded person and choose partner you think you want and you love regardless of his/her AGE.

Tracy 3 years ago

My 17 year old son has started dating a 32 year old woman. That woman was once my best friend of 15 years. I feel devistated. His maturity is also very young. I feel she’s taken advantage of him.

Snigdha 3 years ago

Hi Sir, Im in love with a person of my age(22) since 6 yrs. As u said gals are more matured when compared to guys of this age, yes thats exactly whats happening here with me. My Dad expired when I was 14 yrs old. And Mom is actually against to him due to religion and also he does’nt have a job too. We love each other but Im not succeding in explaining him about his responsablites, and I don’t want to go against my mom. Please suggest me how to succeed in explaining him his responsiblites so that we togather can convince my mom. and I dont have much time coz mom is busy searching a partner for me. I want to make a best relation with my love with the acceptance of my mom coz my younger sis however supports me.

Sir please do reply as soon as possible.

THANK YOU SIR (in adv)

Snigdha,

Oh you have multiple love-complications: Getting into love trap right at the immature age of 16 with a “boy” of your same age, boy belonging to another religion and the boy having no job! If I were your mom, I too won’t get convinced by any arguments or suggestions! I am sorry, I am useless to help you!

C.V.Rajan

Tan 3 years ago

Hello sir,

M now 21 yrs old and my boy friend is 23 yrs old but he said he can’t get married before he is 33. That mean den my age will be 31. Getting married at dat older age, will it be right thing for us?

Tan,

31 years, in my opinion is too old for a woman to get married. You have to wait 9 years to get married and you will keep “loving” each other till such time? I don’t believe this. Perhaps your boy friend wants to escape from you by suggesting like this!

C.V.Rajan

im UC4real 3 years ago

my guy is 16yrs older than me. He talks too much and misunderstands me alot, now he wants to marry me. I need pieces of advice fast becos he’s serrious

Pallavi 3 years ago

Hello Sir,

Please do read the below confused love story of mine & kindly help me to understand myself & love.

In between of my 10th Pre-board & 11th standard I fall in a relationship with a neighbour who came from other city to mine. He born in Apr’1980 & I am in Sep’1988. He proposed me for marriage only & I wasn’t that much mature at time but I accepted the proposal. I think I accepted the same at that time because he told me that his family background is very strong, he works in a good company, earns well, he had good gadgets, his way of living was good actually in a rented flat opposite to my house with his other friends who came with him for doing job, etc., everything was seeming compatible to my family background. In initial months only he told me that he had a affair at his school times with his classmate to which he was thinking to continue further for marriage but she walking away with someone else & get married. Might be emotionally & financially I got attracted toward him as I wanted the same partner which he showed me, but that was not the current position of his, at that time I didn’t bothered about the age gap, caste & looks (seems older than his age, broad face) due to which now I am worried as I look younger that my actual age.

We were meeting regularly, 3month later of our relation my parents got to know about it with very bad wordings from someone else telephonically. They beat me a lot. He moved himself with his friends to another flat which was far from my house but in same locality. No one knows with whom my relation was, but my elders brother had a doubt on him. After my school hours we were used to meet or atleast to see each other. One day my one brother saw him & gone to his flat with his friends & raised hands on him. Afterwards, atleast my one brother used to take me along to school/center of exam of 10th board. In 11th Standard, I started bunking the school then after a month only my brother caught me. My parents & brothers restricted me to go to school. Then whole 11th standard with the permission of school I stayed in home. In that duration when I was in home, my brother tried to brain wash by stating that he has leaved you & gone to his hometown for getting married, he used you, etc. But I was in touch with him over the phone which was given by him to me to which I hide in some corner. As I was in touch with him, my parents failed to brainwash & my destiny take me in a strong relation (7years passed). They thought that now he really gone to his home town but he wasn’t. In 12th, I was freely going school, i gone for a sports trip to out of my city where he came in the same train (I wasn’t aware). In 4-5days journey he was just seeing me, we not met as my teachers were also with me.

Now, at the time of 2nd year of graduation, however, my parents were aware that I still have relation with him but they were saying nothing. Likewise whole graduation gone on parents part. But, however, at this graduation period, specially in 2nd year, we were meeting, spending time together but also fighting. I was very much uncomfortable to introduce him to my friends as all my friend’s BF was of same age, handsome & smart, had strong family background, which he said earlier for making impression but that was in his past before meeting me. At the time of his initial college days, his father expired as he had brain tumor due to which he came in our city to do some work. And his graduation is also not completed. Whatever I demanded, he very well tried to gave me, infact he gave, whether financially or emotionally, in front of God we get married as well. As forced by me, he bought a home on loan (down payment arranged by me but he has to pay yet), he’s trying to get designation also (toward that he working hard on based on his experience as his qualifications are not upto the mark). He’s used to use some homecare products also to make me feel good that he’s trying his level best for looking good by face. He not even eat properly three times meal in a day but still he’s putting on his weight. He & I know that till the time these things will not be remove from my mind, love can’t find it’s way but this is not happening. Now, after completing the graduation, in these 2 years of job, I have changed a lot. I believe in practical life ( in my words, be happy with money, own home, good standard of living & of course these are along with love and trust by husband/wife) & he believes in emotional life (love, care & respect). I appreciate & I love to see this that someone is loving me so much that even after knowing that even after 7years of relation to whom he love, she’s in doubt that whether he loves him or not. I have complaints against his looks, position, qualification, etc. But yes, these 7years whether passed on doubt but was basically based on his love & affection which he gave & giving me till date. He demanded love & care from my end which are over passing by these materialistic things, now-a-days which are requirement, I think.

We, now he’s also started to think that can we live together forever with each other. We almost fights daily due to some or the other reason and that is because I points out his weakness as same comes in front of me in different-different situations.

? I want to know, is this a love which I do with him? If yes then why the equation “if A=B & B=C then A=C” not fits into it. If he loves me & care for me, thinks about me & forget rest everything then why I can’t do the same?

? Should we continue the relation? If yes then is this will run like this only as it is running (daily fighting), scared of facing divorce situation, we have to get marry publically in next 1-2years max anyhow as we can’t linger on it more than this time period. And if not then what I will do, who will understands me, who’ll bear my tantrums?

? I don’t think about my parents even, but when they hurt, I hurt also. Same is like with him. Is this not a love or this is selfishness, which I think I do so.

? He earns 30k. Recently, got the promotion on mail/announcement been made as a floor manager in his Call Center company but salary not raised nor official documents received. And I am also doing job & earning 18k but whatever I am earning I am spending on me (including gifts to him & others & savings) & will spend on me further (without any boundation)

? I don’t want to listen/accept that I don’t love him but if I love him then why I do so which hurts him a lot. If I don’t love him then in practical way, it would be better to leave as most of the persons do, but I don’t want to do so but I even don’t want to stay like this with daily fighting nor he want. He just want love, care, respect for him & his family (specially Mother).

? In last 7years, I never tell him lie. I shared with him everything & he shared with me his. On trust, truthfulness & love (confusion from my end), our relation is running till date since last 7years.

Please suggest, what I want, what I should do & what love is. I’ll be really greatfull to You.

 

Hi Pallavi,

Oh what a lengthy story! Sorry for the delay in response, as I was too busy in my daily chores.

My analysis is this:

1) Urge to fall in love with somebody at the age of 17 or so is pure brain bio-chemistry (in my crude standards). Love is blind at that age.

2) As you grow older, more maturity and calculative mindedness develops.

3) Had you married at, say 21 years with the same person, you would have maintained the charm of youthful love, without too much calculations. At least for a couple of years, you might have enjoyed the intimate company of each other before starting bickering with each other and finding fault with each other and all. That’s common and fine with most husband and wives!

4) But, in a husband wife relationship, there is this typical Indian bondage of desire to be together for ever, irrespective of the differences, bickering, incompatibilities etc. That’s the beauty and the spiritual aspect of an Indian marriage.

5) Since you did not get marry at such an age, all these problems have crept up in you. You are now mature enough to do lots of self-analysis. You are bold enough to express them without hiding behind sentiments. You are able to see your own calculativeness, selfish motives and the desire for escapism from commitments. Unlike a typical woman, you are thinking more like a man, and your man, unlike a typical man, thinks more emotionally and sentimentally like a woman!

So, what is the solution? It all depends on the extent of importance you give to your conscience or inner voice. There is a serious conflict between head and heart. If you opt to ignore what the heart says and go boldly with what head says, you may be better off by breaking away from the relationship.

But if you go by your heart rather than head, then you are going to do a better justice to your man, who seems to be emotionally attached deeper with you (more than your attachment with him).

I have read somewhere that when there is a conflict between head and heart, the voice of the heart should be heard and acted upon. It will prevent conscience from pricking at later part of life. If we drive our life by the force of excessive selfish motive, there are chances that we end up with regrettable situations at much later part of life.

Pray to god for inner guidance. All the best.

C.V.

Pallavi 3 years ago

Dear Sir,

I am really very greatful for your response/guidence.

Pls. clarify one more thing, whether this statement/quote works in real life positively or this is just best to see in books/movies – “when there is a conflict between head and heart, the voice of the heart should be heard and acted upon”

Now i’ll write further then only when i’ll reach to conclusion(for which clarification is require from your end on above note).

Pls. extend help.

Hi Pallavi,

You consider this. Western society is experimenting with “living together” instead of marriage. If such an alternative is found to be wonderful, then living together would have got acceptance globally and the institution of marriage would have got phased out from society. Why hasn’t it happened? Why marriage still holds a high respectability in a society?

Because, marriage is a moral commitment. In true love (whether before marriage or after marriage) there is and there should always be an element of sacrifice. If excessive selfishness exists in a relationship, there is really no love.

In addition to it, I believe there is another element existing in a love affair and it is trust. If one person is trustworthy and another is not trustworthy, then again it is not love. It means someone wants to have an escape route if things don’t happen the way one wants.

In living together, people keep this escape route option open.

But, in a marriage, one is expected to give more than one receives and have a willingness to adjust with the shortcomings of other, putting selfishness a little behind. That’s why marriage is respected. Marriage has an element of spiritual quality behind it.

Head may say, be selfish; be calculative. Heart may say, accept; be committed; stand on your hopes and promises; value your feelings; value the other person’s feelings; don’t extrapolate too much.

Again, the question of conscience. I have seen people who just don’t listen to the voice of their conscience. I have also seen people who value so much about their conscience.

As a third person, I cannot say “you do this”. I would perhaps only say this: If you have faith in God, pray to God earnestly to give you guidance. Take a pilgrimage. Do some Vratha (skipping food for a night and praying). Go to a living Mahatma and seek his/ her guidance.

The decision you take should finally elevate you spiritually tomorrow and leave you with a better mental peace and stability.

May God’s guidance reach you.

C.V

anonymous 3 years ago

hello sir,

i want to ask a question that i am 18 years old and the guy is 28 years mu parents are happy about this relationship but i am not due to the age differences he is a business man and i am a student so plz tell me what i will do?

Okey vincent 3 years ago

I am 27 and my girlfriend is 26 and we are in love with each other.but i dont know wether if we wil get problems bcos of our age gap in future.I need your advice

Bin 3 years ago

Hi Sir,

I am 26 years old. They have seen a boy for me who is completing 36 years this April. I am not able to take a clear decision. Boy looks quite young only and is having a reasonable salary with good family background. But my friends are threatening me pointing to the age difference. They are also saying about the children and the age gap between him and the child. Pls help me out.

Srikala 3 years ago

My god! So many responses. And so varied. Good article Anna. The couples you mentioned reminded me about my parents! Though I would use the word “BONDING”in place of Bondage

Used by you. It is normally used in a negative context Anna. As in slaves in bondage! Is’nt it?

Correct me if I have understood wrongly.

Srikala,

Thanks for pointing out the mistaken use and I have corrected it.

Yes. You are right. I meant the same couple!

C.V

meena 3 years ago

HY I M MEENA AND FELL IN LOVE WITH A 36 YEARS OLD MAN BUT I M OF 21 AND HE IS NOT OF MY CASTE WHAT I LL DO PLZ TELL ME I M RESTLESSLY WAITING FOR UR ANS

Hi, im faith 3 years ago

I felt in love with a guy of 35 yrs while am 23. He loves me so much and now he wants to marry me with all serriousness. But to me, he is not well educated, he is not fianacialy balanced and he has no buiding of his own. He is a pastor, he keeps on saying “it shall be well” due to the financial problem he has not come to do the rightful thing to my parents. He keeps on saying he will come. He doesnt want me live him. Please what will i do? Should i continue with the marriage proposal?

manju 3 years ago

sir,i am 30y old married with 22y old girl we are having age difference of 8y sir tell me it is correct or not.

Pete 3 years ago

What if I like a lady 5 years older than I am? And I cannot help it?

Mma 3 years ago

C.V. I like this article so much but why is it that answers or sujestions are not given immidiately?

Hi Mma,

Sorry for the delays! Other day-to-day chores hold me up from spending more time here.

C.V.

Jessica 3 years ago

Hi

I am 22 and my boy friend is 36. He is 14-15 years older than me. I love him with all my heart but each time i think of his age, i get really worried. Each time, i feel like i am the happiest girl in the world to be with him but then, this thought of age difference comes to my head. We have been dating for 2 years and i know that if we do get married, we will not have any problems because we perfectly understand each other. I dont know what to do. I dont know if i should leave the relationship or stay with him..but i have a strong feeling i will regret it if i leave him. But at the same time, i dont want to go in the marriage and regret marrying him. I am scared that after 20 yrs or so, his age will show in full effect and this might reduce the physical attraction i have for him (which matters in every relationship). I just want a husband that will be alive to see his grate grand children. This is the problem i have been having, i constantly think of it and i need a good advice. PLEASE HELP

Hi Jessica,

I think yours is also a typical case of conflicts between head and the heart! Please read my above reply addressed to Pallavi. Most of what I said there holds good to you too!

C.V.

888 3 years ago

hello…

I dont agree with what you write… Assuming that a woman marries a man, some 12 to15 years (or more) elder to her, there may be several reasons to be analyzed as to why such a relationship came into existence in the first place. Is it because of any coercion or compulsion (by elders, by influence of power or intimidation by the man, poverty and consequent insecurity of the woman etc)? ……

My live in partner is already 58 and i am 29…but we are both happy and enjoying our bonding in bed a lot……I am smart, pretty, hot and financially independent…but i am really attracted to older men because they treat me like their princess and in know that i am really the only one…were 8 years and still going strong…

For others who have recently posted questions

=============================================

Many of your questions are typical and are discussed many times here in this forum. You can read some of the Q&As above and pick up what is applicable to you!

C.V

For more Questions from readers on this subject and my answers to them, please continue to read Part 3 of Q&A on right age combination between husband & wife for marriage.

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