Is there a sound reason behind the traditional practice of women marrying older men? If so, how much older should the men be?

That’s the crucial question. If a woman marries a man that is 7-10 years older than her, is she really marrying an “old(er) man?” Many women today seem to nurture such a viewpoint. Getting married to a man that is almost the same age (just two or three years older or even younger by one or two years) seems to be acceptable for today’s woman. The question is whether such a trend and preference of present day woman is in any way beneficial for her married life or not.

What does Hindu Shastras/ Smritis say on this subject? Are they relevant today?

Whatever Manu Smriti/ Parashara Smriti state on this subject has been totally irrelevant in the present day for the Hindus (and also by law too). The smritis say that a woman should be married off before her 12 the year i.e. before attaining puberty. They recommend an age gap of 12 to 20 years between husband and wife! Naturally, it is obvious that there is no question of even discussing the possibility of an older woman marrying a younger man!

Hence we can say that sastras do not offer any relevant help on this subject. We have to naturally rely on healthy practices that are existing in the society for long and go by their merits.

4-8 Years Is the Ideal Age Gap

Personally, I believe very strongly that an age difference of about 4 to 8 years between the woman and man (the man should be older, of course) is really conducive for a good marital bond, and it works very well in the majority of the cases that I have seen (of course taking all other favorable aspects of marriage between the man and woman).

Why It’s Better for Women to Marry Older Men

1. Women Mature Faster Than Men

There are two elements of compatibility in a marital relationship: Physical maturity and mental maturity.

Women attain physical and mental maturity at a much younger age than men. A girl of three years has more advanced linguistic and oral communication skills than a boy of the same age and a girl’s dependence on her mother at that age is far less than that of a boy. Furthermore, girls attend preschool with more ease, self-confidence, and willingness than boys.

A girl reaches puberty between the ages of 12 to 14 whereas a boy reaches it between 14 and 17. A girl’s instincts about the opposite sex are much more developed as a teenager in comparison with boys.

At 21 years, a woman generally has well developed instincts to observe world and people around her and frame judgments; she has fairly developed a sense of responsibility for her own life and those dependent herself and has firmed up clear ideas about her needs, wants, goals, and ambitions.

2. Men Aren’t Ready for Marriage Until Later

On the other hand, a 21-yr-old man is far more boyish and carefree, taking things lightly and afraid of commitments and responsibility. An unbridled life as a bachelor is far more attractive to a man at that age than one of the commitment, responsibility and restrictions in a marital relationship.

Around the age of 26, men achieve the level of mental maturity required for a disciplined family life, which comes from the realization that the love and affection of a caring wife is far more valuable than a physical outlet for lust.

Thus, when a woman marries a man four to eight years older than her, they both have similar mental maturity levels and are in a better position to adjust to each other.

3. Women Respect Older Husbands More

All said and done, a basic psychological fact about men that cannot be wished away is his sense of superiority over the opposite sex. A man, deservedly or undeservedly, expects his wife to treat him as more than an equal partner. As such, he welcomes signs of respect.

Where there is a sizable age difference, the woman tends to show the man more respect. This psychological nuance helps in a significant way to bring harmony in the relationship.

4. Biology Favors Women Marrying Older Men

From a physical maturity point of view, an age difference augurs well in the long run. The best time for a woman to become a mother is before she turns 35, and her active interest in sex gradually wanes subsequently. She will reach menopause somewhere between 45 and 50. After menopause, women practically lose interest in sex.

On the other hand, a man’s sexually virile age may extend even up to 60 years of age. At around 40, men tend to get a revived vigor in sexual cravings and a co-operative and willing partner at home helps prevent them from going astray.

5. Looks Matter as Decades Go By

Furthermore, having an attractive and young-looking wife is more important for men. For women, on the other hand, the man’s love is more important than his looks. Normally, a 40-yr-old man would look quite youthful in comparison with his wife if she were of the same age.

Perhaps this is one of the main reasons why previous generations preferred a wider age gap between men and women in marriages.

About Men Marrying Older Women

I am biased totally against such an option. No separate arguments are needed as the logic behind the advantage of men marrying younger women was discussed earlier in this article.

NOTE: This article has kindled lots of discussions from readers and there are several Q&As seeking and explaining why marrying an elder women is not advisable are available in those discussions which are given at the bottom of this article. 

There are many things in the present-day state of affairs, mentalities, values, and preferences that contradict time-tested practices and cultural guidelines. It is quite natural that the institution of marriage is getting a beating and many live without a happy conjugal relationship in the present generation.

Larger Age Gaps and Marriage Traditions

Marriages With Age Gaps of 10-12 Years Face Difficulties

If the age gap is much wider than 4-8 years, it is possible that the marriage will go sour in the long run. There are a few reasons why a woman might marry a man 12-15 years older than her.

It could be because of coercion or compulsion (by elders, through the husband’s influence of power or intimidation, or because of the woman’s economic insecurity). It could be because of illogical infatuation or psychological complexity. It could be a woman’s calculated move to woo an older man for financial reasons. It could be to gain a celebrity status through the back-door for a woman to marry an aged/ very elder male celebrity .

Unless there is a genuine bond of love and affection between the couple that can overcome the limitations of the sexual relationship in the long run, if the age gap is too wide there is always the danger of the marital bond breaking up with painful scars left behind.

Traditions of Marriage Are Changing

I write from India and many of my views are basically Indian. As the institution of marriage is still strong and respected in India, I am convinced that this system makes sense.

In India, even in my generation, it is rare to see women marrying men 10-12 years older than them as that practice has been virtually discontinued. In the generation prior to mine, there were a few cases here and there.

However, in at least one case, I knew a couple of my earlier generation with a 12-year age gap between them. They got married when the girl was just 14 and had no ideas of her own. In that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands like creepers winding around the trees. Perhaps that acceptance without questioning brought in a beautiful bonding between them.

The only problem their marriage faced was that the husband passed away when he was about 70 and his wife, aged 58, had a very long widowhood to be spent without her closest companion. She is quite fine now, living alone, but the lack of companionship at this old age does show in her emotional life.

Will the present day girl mold her life totally around such a “senior” husband unquestioningly? Will their life be free of a generation gap? Will the woman or man take it lightly if someone asks the girl “Is he your father?” It is very unlikely. In my opinion, a girl marrying a man who is ten years older or more is not a good proposition for the current times.

To conclude: Woman marrying a man of 4 to 8 years elder seems best

Based on the various arguments that I have put above, it is my conclusion that there is a very fair scope for a successful marriage in the long run, if a woman marries a man 4 to 8 years older than her.

-=o0o=-

To buy the above book in India:  https://www.amazon.in/dp/B09B72K13M

To buy the above book in USA:  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09B72K13M

= = = = = = = = = = = = == =

Discussions on this subject

The above article was posted by me originally in another website sometime during 2010.  It soon found a very large readership across the world, thanks to high page ranking it got in Google Search. Soon, I started getting lots of comments on the article. Gradually, the comments section turned to be a big Q&A as people started bombarding me with their queries and seeking my counsel on their personal marriage issues related to age difference. I would have given detailed answers to some 100 different cases this way. 

Some of the actual questions and answers on this subject are shared below:

Q from sam (asked in 2011)

I am 29 yrs old and my girlfriend is 13yrs younger than me. Its been a year since we first met. Should i hang on with this relationship? HELP!

A:  Sam,

It means the girl is just 16 years old! In olden days, 16 was a marriageable age, but not in the present day standards. She will not be adequately mature to weigh the pros and cons of the age gap.

There are always exceptions, but whether your case is an exception requires an honest probe by you. There are umpteen compatibility issues — looks, likes & dislikes, cultural differences, generation gap, sexual interests, meeting of views on moral and ethical issues and so on.

Generation gap can become a potential headache in the long run.

A decision without emotional interference can only help.

C.V.Rajan

sam 

Thanks a lot. Sir, i found the solution to my condition in ‘decision without emotional interference’.

—————————————————————————————

lizu (asked in 2011)

My boyfriend is 13 years old is there any problem?I am 18 now.

A: Lizu,

Sure you have a real boy as your boy friend!

C.V.Rajan

—————————————————————————————

Q: (2011)   hi its me iqs

Im 17 and my boy friend is 26 we are very happy with each other. do you think is there any problem?

A: iqs,

I am writing about marital relationships. Not about relationship with boy friends. If the present boy friend is sure to end up as your husband, then you can ask these questions:

– do I find lovable as well as respectable qualities in him?

– If by virtue of his age, he dominates I or tries to treat me as a “child”, will I fight with him to resist it or I won’t mind being submissive to him?

– When I become. say 27 years and happen look quite young and he, at 36 looks a bit older, I will absolutely have no qualms about it and he will not be jealous of my looks?

– Do I find many of my/ his ideas, ideals, likes, principles and values do not suffer from any generation gap?

If your honest answer is yes to these questions, there won’t be any problem. By God’s grace, you can hope to have a happy married life.

C.V.Rajan

Q: iqs 

hi sir its me iqs again

i really thank you for considering my question.we both surely want to get married just waiting for my studies to end up .he has been with me since 4 years i know that was too young for me ………

i was 10 wen i lost my mom every relation around me changed i have seen a lot in my life from that day n have been on my own for every thing after all this he was the 1 who came into my life n i felt very protected i don’t know what i am but people do say me that i don’t look 17 from my talks in him i have found every relation

but sometimes some of his things do bother me like his principles he is very strict regarding some of the things but i guess i can overcome this while rest of the things are fine like love,respect,trust .At the end of the day its always the women who has to sacrifice to make a relation work.i don’t want to lose him at any cost want to make a best relation husband and wife could have but just scared about the age gap.

A: Hi iqs,

May God be with you in guiding you to have a smooth relationship with your would-be husband lifelong.

You know I write from India. In the previous generations (even in my generation — I am 54 now) it is not uncommon to see husband being elder to wife by 7 to 10 years.

My wife is younger to me by eight and half years. My elder brother’s wife is younger to him by 10 years. We both have happy and contented married lives. Except for a few cases here and there, I have seen that such an age gap does work well in marital relationships.

If at all something negative is there, it comes at much advanced age. Assuming that both spouses are of good health, it is likely that the wife will have to spend a long widowhood, without company, if the husband passes away at say 80 and the wife has another 10 years to go.

But you know, we can’t extrapolate too much!

Only in the present generation, youngsters prefer an age gap of 1-3 years. Perhaps girls would prefer a friendly husband (whom they can easily dominate) rather than an elderly, bossy husband nowadays!

C.V.Rajan

iqs 

hi sir

AMEEN.

m from pakistan .m really thankful to you for helping me out .I dont have words to thank you

The uncertainty level is too much in this world nobody knows what will happen to them the very next minutes of their lives this is the thing which only GOD knows may be i have much less life span than him we can only pray for what we want…

you’re perfectly right on this today’s generation is extremely modest but honestly telling m myself of a new generation my views are truly not with them in this case men’s should have that manly power in them ,they should be bossy ,elder and at the same time loving ,friendly also

i thank u once again for guiding me through this

Pl remember me in your prayers

Hi Iqs,

Thank you. May Allah be your guiding force always.

C.V.Rajan

---

Princess (asked in 2011)

Hi sir…ve got a bf who is 12 years older than me and he really loves and wants to marry me…i feel he’s too old although i also love him.I’m afraid my parents wont accept our union due to the age gap.Do you think 12 years is such a wide gap?

Hi Princess,

You know, I write from India and many of my views are basically Indian and living values based on Hinduism. As the institution of marriage is still strong, respected and works in majority of cases in India, I am convinced that this system has sound sense.

Coming to the age gap of 12, I should say even in India, the practice of marrying with such a wide gap has virtually been discontinued even in my generation (a generation earlier to mine may have a few cases here and there).

But in at least one case I have seen a couple of my earlier generation with 12 years age gap between them. But they got married when the girl was just 14 and had no ideas of her own. At that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands just like creepers winding around the trees.

That acceptance without questioning perhaps brought in a beautiful bondage between them. They were one of very nice couples I had seen in my earlier generation.

But the only problem their marriage faced was that the husband passed away when he was about 70 and his wife, aged 58 had a very long widowhood to be spent without her closest companion around. She is quite fine now, living alone, but the lack of companionship at this old age does show in her emotional life.

All these are what I saw in an earlier generation to me.

Will the present day girl mold her life totally around a “senior” husband unquestioningly? Will their life be free of generation gap? Will the visible differences in looks trouble their life? Will the woman/ man get hurt if someone asks the girl “Is it your father?”

So, naturally there are lots of finer things in the present day state of affairs, mentalities, values, preferences etc.

Only a logical analysis without too much of interference can give give a right solution. If your emotions say strongly to go ahead, then go ahead — with a commitment to do a lot of sacrifice and adjustment in life, all in due respect to the love you have on your man. Then God will be with you.

C.V.Rajan

---

Hello (asked in 2011)

Hi, I just came to know about your wonderful site! I am 30yrs this september. Single. Got a marriage proposal from a guy, who seen my profile in matrimony. He is 71 born..and am 80 born. The groom is 9 yrs elder to me. Will that work out in the long run?Pl reply at the earliest. Thanks in adv.

Hi Hello,

I request you to read some of the responses and comments to this article too, which may be of help to you.

However, coming to your case, you are 30 years old already. Hope you are proportionately mentally matured too, which means you are at an age where logical thinking can definitely outweigh emotional thinking.

What’s your preference in life about a partner? Will you be comfortable with a fatherly figure rather than a friendly figure? Do you mind treating your husband with an element of respect which he may expect on account of the age difference and his very age itself?

Are you capable of grasping expression of love and romanticism more by non-verbal behavior rather than verbal expressiveness?

What’s your long term expectation from life?

Hope you can get balanced replies to these queries and decide yourself.

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————————Paresh 5 years ago

Hello Sir,

My Girlfriend is 5 years older than me. I love her and want to marry her. She also loves me and want to marry me.But our families are against our decision….

Give me some points to argue with them so that I can convince them about our relation.

Dear Mr Paresh,

I wonder whether you read my article in full! I too am old fashioned like your parents and if you were my son, I would never approve of such a marriage. (If my son goes against my wish and proceeds, then I will have to forget my objections and welcome my daughter-in-law. No other go!)

Unless the love is too strong and has an element of spiritual affiliation cutting across births, I would personally be only pessimistic in such relationship.

Sorry. I can’t offer any helpful hints. I am at the other side of the fence!

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————————RAHUL 5 years ago

i m 32 yr old and i m getting proposal of getting married with a girl of 10 yr younger.this is ma parents wish.as i m not having much offers in ma life right now.as i m over with two long luv affair . what should i do ? just suggest me ASAP i will be thankful for ur best suggestion.

Hi Rahul,

As per my understanding of the present generation girls, what they look for in a marital relationship is a friendly figure, whom they can take for granted and also dominate. A large age gap of 10, to the present day girls seems to mean a “respectable” husband, who will tend to dominate and whose ideas will be half a generation older. Present day girls, endowed with good education, freedom and scope for own income do not mostly want to fit to such a scenario, in my assessment.

Now that you are 30 years old and with two failed love affairs behind you, I am sure you would have grown mature enough to see life and understand the opposite sex much better. But that’s not sufficient.

The girl, with whom your parents are planning to get you wedded, should be in a position to think deeper and understand the pros and cons of this relationship. If the girl, on her own (without parental compulsion) is able to think over the whole issue peacefully and then take a positive decision (and assuming that you too have made up your mind) then pray to God for His divine grace in keeping the marital bond strong for the life and accept to the proposal.

In my opinion, the girl’s consent is a must and she should know what is ahead. (Please see some of the earlier responses from other readers and my replies in the comments). A one to one talk with the girl will probably help.

Let God be your guiding force in such matters.

C.V.Rajan

---

gwen 5 years ago

my boyfriend and i have an age difference of 1 month, we’ve been together for 3 years and are both in school. we talk about marriage but what worries me is whether he will be able to appreciate me the same way when we get to 55.i wont be looking the same with time and women do have a tendance of aging faster than men.in other aspect of the relationship such as maturity, respect and other such issues icant complain. would you advice me to hold on to this relationship because i know by God’s grace it will lead to marriage one day.

Hi Gwen,

I know of a case, a friend of mine (with whom I have lost touch in the past 25 years)who married his school mate/ class mate. They were in love right from their 8th grade. He became and Engineer and she completed her Medical when they got married at an age of 24. They were couples “comfortable with each other” when I last saw them 26 years ago.

They were Indians; they belong to the previous generation; both were well educated. They were from very respectable families; they had their value system well developed.

I wish and hope that such a strong bond of love coupled with good principles and values exist between you and your boy friend. If it exists, then, with God’s grace, things may work out well.

But I have my own concerns about the present generation. I don’t know which country you belong to. If, in your cultural background, marriages and divorces are parts and parcel of everyday life in most of the people’s life around you, then we can’t predict how life will go on.

Generally, girls, in addition to having fun with a boyfriend, think of marriage as a long term goal, whereas boys think of having sexual fun as the goal in the short run in dealing with a willing girl. Not all may fit into the category, but that’s the reality in teen age.

When it comes to marriage, the boy should be able to earn on his own and take life seriously. Will it happen to your boy friend at say, 24 years? Or if you get married to him, say, at 22 years itself due to force of circumstances, what sort of financial standing will there be when you start your life?

Then, the question of sexual attraction and compatibility is always there post marriage. Assuming that you are now 17 years old, can you foresee things to happen after 6/7 years when your boyfriend will truly be ready for marriage? Assuming that you are in west where premarital sex is not frowned upon, will the sexual attraction continue to make a long standing relationship viable and workable?

Too difficult to predict for me as a third person.

Faith in God and prayer for guidance is the right course available to you.

C.V.Rajan

---

sim 

I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 36. In the beginning, he lied to me about his age and said he was 30 (he looks young). He revealed his real age after a few months. He said he had tried to tell me on numerous occasions before but was scared he would lose me. I was visibly upset for a few weeks and didn’t speak to him.

But I knew his love for me was genuine and we were very happy together. I used to be very depressed before and had moved to new city where I met him. He helped me restart my life and regain my confidence. Finally something good had happened to me.

I decided to stay with him and I knew this was the man I wanted to be with. I know he has never lied to me about anything else.

However I am scared how our age difference will have an effect on our future. We have been together 1.5 years now want to get married. My parents are coming to meet him. but I told my parents his age was 30 ..as he told me that in the beginning and haven’t had the courage to tell them about his lying and real age.

ritu (asked in 2011)

hello sir..have gone through your article..really great work.. hope u will be of a great help to me as well.

sir, i am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 27, its been three months that we are together and we love each other a lot. but sometimes some of the issues really scares me up. like 7 years of age gap between us. moreover he is my next door neighbour. although me and my boyfriend dont see any problem in this. but our parents might have a problem . i know i am going slightly out of the topic that u startd off with.. but still i rilly wanna know…

what do u have to say on this. do u think that our relationship can work out. plz reply sir. thanx 🙂

Hi Ritu,

20 and 27 years combination, in my personal opinion, is a near-perfect match! He will be mature enough for marriage. He would be in a good position in his employment status. (Imagine: if you were to fall in love with a man of 23 years now. What is his emotional maturity and job experience/status to earn a good salary?)

But one thing I want to caution you, based on present day girls’ mentality that I widely see everywhere. These girls seem to primarily want to treat her man at equal footing (or better, boss over him!), don’t really want “a man to be respected” but a man that she could be friendly to the extent of ignoring even a semblance of respect to him.

Capacity to manipulate seems to be more important than submissiveness in the present day trend. But, boys (men) being boys, tend to brush these all before marriage, but suddenly find lack of respect and submissiveness from wife as a big issue after marriage when ego clashes start surfacing.

Do you know? Mahatma Gandhi got married to Kasthuriba who as elder to him by about 2 years. Gandhi got married when he was hardly 18! Do you know what troubled him a lot after marriage? Lack of submissiveness from Kasthuriba!

So, if you are the type of girl who can behave friendly as well as give respect to your man’s age and maturity and have no intentions of manipulative dominance to play one-upmanship, then go ahead! Pray to God to guide you correctly in your marital life for a lifelong bondage and happy togetherness!

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

ritu 

first of all. thanx a lot sir for taking out ur precious time for me.

well.. yes.. i am a kind of a girl who is very friendly.. and give ‘love’ the top most priority no matter what.. i treat my guy on an equal footing and he rilly dont have any problem with that. but as u said.. guys suddenly find lack of respect and submissiveness a big issue aftr marriage. i just hope this does not happen in my case. its not that i dont want to give him respect but its just that i dont want him to make an issue about it.. i want my guy to treat me as his friend first beacause i believe that friendship is the most beautiful relation one can ever have with his/her partner.

Hi Ritu,

All the best!

My wife is 8 and half years younger to me.I am rather old fashioned. But still, she is my best friend and vice versa. But, but…I firmly believe, like in Orwellian jungle “all animals are equal but some animals are more equal than the others!”. My wife definitely understands that when it comes to critical matters of decision making, particularly if there are too much emotional issues involved.

In a marital relationship, despite the “equality”, the husband assumes a fair degree of one-upmanship. If this is correctly understood and if the woman is able to accept her emotional vulnerability in critical junctures and yields to the whims of a more matured person, then the marriage can be stable.

Hope you will grasp this nuance. If you fight for equality as a matter of right, you will end up with a bitter taste. If you are good at the feminine way of tackling man with love,care and respect where due, you can end up with one-upmanship, without your man ever knowing it!

Bye

C.V.Rajan

ritu 

i got your point sir. thanx a ton 🙂

================================================

sumeet 5 years ago

hello , i just went through your article. liked your thoughts n clarity.

i am 26 year old guy and d girl i love is 28 yr old. we love each other a lot but again old school stories. first her parents were not ready and my parents were ready. after 2 meetings her parents liked me a lot. so they were kinda ready for going ahead. then came the twist my parents started thinking about age diff is big plus intercaste marriage. so finally i convinced them to go for doing marriage talks that was the first time they met her. after everything they thought d girl isn’t that good looking so relatives started opposing now. but i still want to go ahead? is this still a recipe for disaster coz my parents aren really 100% sure about this marriage. will we face many problems from relatives and my parents?

hope i get the reply..

Sumeet,

Hope you have grasped from my tone of writing (and of course based on the generation I belong to) that I am personally against a boy getting married to a girl of higher age. The physical and psychological reasons behind it have been outlined in my article.

The problem is that when love starts at too young an age (school days), we are too immature to grasp the long term repercussions. School-day love is nothing but the weird play of secretion of hormones, to put it in the most blunt way.

But we Indians, due to our cultural upbringing, tend to develop a sense of loyalty and commitment to each other, the breaking of which, even if the intellect warns of inconvenient consequences, is emotionally difficult.

We may say, not without some merit, that the love we develop on the opposite sex at an innocent age is much pure without calculative mindset; but, when it comes to life at a larger canvas over the long future ahead of us, a certain amount of calculativeness cannot be avoided.

When that calculativeness dawns at us as we get ready for marriage, at that point, what we think as “pure love” has to necessarily go through an acid test.

In your case, the caste too is another big hurdle! Deep within our psyche, Indians have a deep-rooted affiliation to our caste system. You may be free of it at this age, but not the earlier generation.

In your case, it looks very clear, and very heartening too, that you don’t want to break your family bondage to go ahead with your own decision. In India, when a woman marries, she marries a family. Indian family system revolves around families and relations; we just cannot be islands. That’s our culture.

So, setting aside emotions, it is time for you to take into consideration the inevitable calculativeness, I suppose!

Have a frank discussion with your girl friend. Ask her to read this article too, if you feel it will help.

Hope you are God fearing. Please pray to God sincerely for guidance. You will definitely get it.

With best wishes,

C.V.Rajan

sumeet 5 years ago

i am really glad that you understood the what i was trying to tell you exactly.. i am glad that i got the reply too.

My parents are not 100% sure that we want to go ahead with this but they are saying we are ready for marriage only because you want that to happen. we both are working and have an idea about what are the problems we might face. we are ready to face everything else except unnecessary remarks from relatives. and as per i think every marriage whether it be arranged marriage i am the one who has to handle everything 6 months down the line. if der are any problems in my marriage i am the one who is going to solve it not my parents not my relatives. so i think its good that i choose my life partner. for problems they can arise in any kind of marriage. what matters is i am going to spend rest of my 50 years with the person of my choice. she is also ready to to face the situation except my parents unwillingness. all we want is to give us fair chance and accept us and we wont let you down. At least we will keep trying. i agree with your views about deep rooted affiliation for the family. we perfectly agree that marriage is kind of bonding of 2 families. 1 yr down d line if evryhting goes well then same relatives might also say see how they pulled it off. there is nothing called caste n al.

we are in fix these days. slightly some where now i am ready to go against my parents wish n relatives. ( one point we are kind of having very close bonding with relatives so we tend to carry everyone along with us for good ceremonies in the families) i need a neutral view on this every time i hear comments from my parents or relatives i think no one is trying to understand my point of view. basically i need neutral opinion.

thanks a ton for replying for earlier post.

Also one more point to be noted is.

today if we decide to separate since my family might not accept the things and will make life difficult due to close scrutiny. we certainly don want to do stuff everyday morning we get up and thing we do is prove it to others that we are good.

and next thing if we separate and she unfortunately does not get good fella to marry then i cannot live with the guilt that it happened because of me. it will be unbearable and will haunt me for rest of my life.

she is very emotional and she will end up loosing all confidence and whatever she has in life. we have seen all our dreams together. its really very very tough for us to accept the separation.

Hi Sumeet,

I am glad to read the following words of yours:

“i am the one who has to handle everything 6 months down the line. if der are any problems in my marriage i am the one who is going to solve it not my parents not my relatives. so i think its good that i choose my life partner. for problems they can arise in any kind of marriage. what matters is i am going to spend rest of my 50 years with the person of my choice. she is also ready to to face the situation except my parents unwillingness. all we want is to give us fair chance and accept us and we wont let you down. At least we will keep trying. “

It is clear from your words that you are a man of committed principles and you are also aware of what problems lie before you. You are not thinking of a short term perspective.

So, it looks to me that you are bound by a strong bond of love.

I have seen people’s (close relatives’)attitude changing after marriage, once they find the human qualities of the new bride adorable. If your would-be wife is affectionate, large-hearted and is not of the type who would break family bonds for selfish sake, then you will find a dramatic bonhomie reciprocated from your relatives.

Once a child is born, most of the bitterness is forgotten and the new baby does all the repairing work!

Glad that you are quite clear on your stand. Let God’s grace be with you in removing all hurdles before you so that you have an ever-lasting relationship with your would be wife.

With best wishes,

C.V.Rajan

======================================

kpu 5 years ago

Dear Sir,

Thanks to you for taking us to this very important topic. I am 24 girl and getting married to a guy of 32 year old but sometimes I feel that he is more mature than me mentally. I am sort of kiddish nature. Well we both like each other a lot but I am afraid that he should not lose interest on me later. Also I used to think that men are sexually active and give good performance only up-to the age of 35. Is this true?

Thanks in advance

Hi KPU,

Kiddish nature has an element of attraction and joy too. We all love little children, don’t we?

Are you ready to accept the mature person’s decisions at critical junctures and abide by them rather than fight with him for your “self acknowledged” immature tendencies? Then things will not get complicated.

Regarding sexual interest dwindling after 35. It could be due to lack of sexual attraction with the wife (wife’s obesity, going-out-of-shape, too much of pre-occupation with her chores and children, boredom of familiarity, lack of innovativeness and romanticism in sex, excess tension at office, letting-go of the joy of togetherness etc etc.

A young wife (in your case, the age difference of 8) is a plus point for continued sexual attraction on the wife.

And I have mentioned about men getting a sexual revival at around 40 in the article….

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————–

Tushar 5 years ago

I am 3 months younger than my Girl friend. . Is there any problem, if we get merried ?  Pls help

Hi Tushar,

You can read some of my replies already on this subject. As an old fashioned old man, I am personally against men marrying older woman.

None of the favorable aspects of a reasonable age gap between husband and wife that I have elaborated in the article will be available to you if you marry an older girl. Marriage is to be seen in the long term.

What is attractive to you now may not hold till old age.

Think of 10 years from now. Compare both of your age/ looks / sexual attraction etc.

I always say, there are of course exceptions. But what is the assurance that your case is an exception?

C.V.Rajan

—————————————————————————

sanjeebni 5 years ago

I am going to marry a guy of 36 years old where i am 30. it’s an arranged marriage. i had a little hesitation towards the age gap. but i think i got my answer..

Thank you so much Sir..

Our generation needs your guidance in this matter.

Sanjeebni

——————————————————————————-

kaka 5 years ago

i m 28 year old guy and want to marry with 34 years old woman, what u suggest? is it right match

Hi Kaka,

The ideal safe child bearing age for a woman is 35. Perhaps, with advances in medical technology, it can be extended by about 3-5 years. But the woman has to be very careful and child birth will have its own complications to face.

The above is one aspect.

Imagine after 10 years. You will be 37. A man at that age is still within the brim of youth. Your partner would then be 44; almost middle age. I don’t think sexual drives and aspirations for men will go away in 10 years. At 44, a woman’s inclination towards sex is less likely to be matching.

Better to think in the long term.

C.V.Rajan

vacratus 5 years ago from India

This is a really interesting viewpoint! I wouldn’t have supported this few years back, but weirdly enough right now I quite agree to what you have to say!

eva 5 years ago

my hsband is three years older than me.i am now 21 and he is 24.is it perfect? there is a conception that i should more younger than him becos of continuing sexual life paralelly.

Rabbani 5 years ago

I’m 35 and my wife is 26,is there any problem? I thin she is not happy with me,plz suggest me.

———————————————————————————-

Neelam 5 years ago

Hi Sir im divorcee. My parents are looking new alliance for me. I also have 2 years baby boy. My age is 27 years right now. My parents are looking forward to marry with a boy who is 10 years older than me. I am not ready cause i feel we will have too much of generation gap. please help me for that. what should i take into consideration while thinking about that boy??

i would be thankful to u for ur valuable comments.

Hi Neelam,

A past divorce, to be frank, complicates decision making process. If your past husband was closer to your age and if that age factor was one of the reasons for lack of understanding (= lack of “respect”/ “obedience” etc a typical Indian husband expects (irrespective of whether he deserves them or not), then probably a larger age gap may help towards better emotional equation, because you will be forced to give a better respect and obedience to the “matured” husband.

Yes. Generation gap will be there. Value systems may differ. He could be more conservative in several aspects like your dress codes, mingling with opposite sex, doing domestic chores by you, your sacrificing career for the sake of family etc, if freedom for such things are extremely important to you.

But you have a past. If you can look within yourself unemotionally on what went wrong last time, you can decide how the new proposal will work for you.

Pray to God for guidance.

C.V.Rajan

Neelam 5 years ago

Thanks Rajan Sir For Your Valuable Thoughts. I completely Agree with you sir. I will Try to convience my parents on this grounds. I want to start my life in completely new way and i think u have helped me in this.

Thanks once again.

Forbidden man 4 years ago

I’m 23 my wife is 33 and life sucks , nothing we got common , we always face problems ,we always fight , we got no sexual life , so please guys don’t do mistakes and marry to a woman elder than you .

john 4 years ago

Im 25yrs…and my lover is only in her late 14yrs….we decided to get married when she turns 18yrs…meanwhile i will be in my early 29yrs…Is this will work..?

Anonymous 4 years ago

Hi Everyone. I have a similar situation here…just that in my case its way too complicated. Can anyone help?

I am in a relationship (for last 4 years) with a guy who is 10 years older to me. Thats not all. He belongs to a different community (he is a hindu but from a different caste). He isn’t that well off and due to all these reasons, my parents have disapproved our marriage. We also tried to match our kundli but even they pose a little problem as per 1-2 preists. Its been more than 4 months now…I have not spoken to my parents at all..being in the same house.

I just dont know what to do in order to convince them?? Have tried a lot of things but I cant give up as we both love each other and have reached a stage where we cant forget each other and cnt think of getting married to someone else. But my parents are not ready to listen to anything.

Hi Anonymous,

Your case looks difficult for an outsider to offer a solution.

1) Do you believe that 10 years age gap does not seem to pose problem for you (generation gap etc)?

2) Do you have good faith in kundli (Jathak) matching? Are you mentally troubled when priests say that they don’t match?

3) How far is parental acceptance important for you? Are your emotional bondage, sense of comfort, sense of responsibility towards your parents quite strong?

4) Do you believe that your parents’ opposition against this alliance is purely out of their egotism (“We know better; you should obey us”) or with genuine concern for a long lasting marital relationship?

5) Are you very very clear that the cultural differences between you and your boyfriend on account of caste is quite immaterial to you?

6) Are you very very clear that the earning capacity of your b/f currently and in the future will not be a contentious issue once you get married? Are you independently earning well?

7) Is your emotional commitment to your b/f is much more stronger than any other negative aspects coming out of answering the above questions?

If you are still confused, surrender to God and seek guidance sincerely.

C.V.Rajan

========================================================

Rama krishna 4 years ago

sir i am in dilema. i am 8 years younger than my girl friend, i am going to marry her so can u tell the advantages and disadvantages…. i really dont care disadvantages finaaly i am going to marry her but pls guide me sir

Hi Ramakrishna,

I am personally and totally against such experiments with life.

You can read some of the replies posted above. It’ all discussed in detail. If you want a bitter one, this response has been posted by a person who made such a decision in life. I quote:

“I’m 23 my wife is 33 and life sucks , nothing we got common , we always face problems ,we always fight , we got no sexual life , so please guys don’t do mistakes and marry to a woman elder than you.”

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————-

Island girl 4 years ago

Hi sir just came across your page while searching for best age difference between a man and a woman I’ve read all the postings and your replies very interesting so here am I written also…. now please tell me I am a woman of 44 years of age, christian divorce 7 years ago with two daughters ages 22 and 17 I am a woman that would prefer to have a good relationship with someone older than me 2 or 3 years older never thought of anyone younger but it happen now that this guy of 30 years of age has set his eyes on me I have spoken to him about the big age gap but he is not concern or cares about that, this guy never knew his parents and was raise at a home for boys until he became a man he has told me that he has always had an interest in older women my question now, do you think he is looking a mother figure in someone much older than him? or could it be really be love he’s looking for in a mature woman plz advice…thank you.

Hi Island Girl,

I am afraid that on account of your basic need for a good company, you have laid a trap for yourself and if you trip over it, I have a feeling that it will end up as a life-long regret for you.

With daughters aged 22 and 17, a relationship with a guy of 30 years will wreck havoc in your relationships with your daughters and in your own life. Frankly nothing sounds right for me in the guy you are talking about.

At 44, you are just a few years ahead of menopause. I don’t think this guy of 30 will keep loving you for what you are and what you soon will be — a middle aged (= old) lady.

If you are really too keen on having a lifelong company for you, first marry off your daughters and then seek a marriage for yourself with a like-minded person aged above you. The better option will be not to marry at all and lead a life of purity, contemplating on Jesus Christ and offering whatever little service you can do for the society through some charity organizations.

C.V.Rajan

—————————————————————————————-

SMC 4 years ago

am 22 yrs old and my Boyfriend is 33yrs elder than me. Its been two year since we met. Should i hang on with this relationship? HELP!

Hi SMC,

If your boy friend is 33 yrs elder than you, it means he is 55 years old! And you call him a “boy”friend!? He is of your dad’s age.

If you hang on to him, my personal feeling is that your life will hang out of balance within a few years of marriage.

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————–

S.R 4 years ago

Hi sir,i just read your blog and it raised up a few questions in my mind which i thought u could help answering me. I am 21 years old from a typical south indian family..i am in love with a guy 60 days younger to me..i have told my mom bout it and she the same reasons u have mentioned in ur blog..i discussed these with him too..he said and assured me that these reasons will not bother our relationship at any age..and yes i do believe him.but my doubt is does he really understand the intensity of the problems you have mentioned..can a 21 year old guy analyse it..pls answer from your perspective sir..thanks a lot!!

Hi S.R.,

You are at 21 and you are at the right age for marriage. Your boyfriend, in south Indian standards is still a boy for marriage. What sort of financial strength does he have to get married and run a family with confidence?

If marriage is not an immediate thinking, then at what age? At 25/26 for him, when he will be mentally and financially mature for marriage? Will your parents wait till then to allow you to remain single? At 26/27 for a woman to get married, her mental maturity, assertiveness, self-confidence etc will be very high. Bossiness will be well developed in you at that age and it may not be to good liking for a man!

When you are deeply engrossed in love, at this age, all these things will look trivial and insignificant. But once you get married, they have every potential to grow too big to shatter a good married life.

Only if your boy friend is mentally much more mature and much more stable than you, then only there will be a scope for a stable married life in future.

C.V.Rajan

————————————————————————————–

rameez 4 years ago

iam 32 year old iam divorce. now iam get Raddy to married as next month 12. my gf age is 21year and her is virgin.my Question is me and my gf to get married to live happy? iam from maldives.

Hi Rameez,

In the expectations of the present generation girls, the age gap of 11 is high. But any day, if a woman gets the love, affection and emotional support from her husband, she will be able to adjust. Her age of 21 is the right age for marriage where excessive analysis may not trouble and confuse her too much!

But you being a “second-hand” and she being a virgin requires true sense of acceptance from the girl. If she is quite understanding about it, it is good. Again, you should be mentally mature enough to forget the bitterness of the past failed marriage and start things afresh with good hope.

You should be mature enough to know your side of the faults for the previous failed marriage so that the same mistakes are not repeated in the new relationship.

Best wishes!

C.V.Rajan

—————————————————————————————–

nyash 4 years ago

Hi am a 28 years old kenyan lady. am pretty and have no child. i met a 42 year old man who is a divorcee and he is head over heels in love with me. we have been going out for 9 months now. he is so kind to me and has sacrificed a lot for me, he treats me with a lot of respect and i love his maturity in handling issues unlike guys my age who are immature and drink a lot. i am highly educated which i feel puts off guys my age. he wants to marry me and i love him too. i have been going to his place many times and i have access to all his stuff including his house and everthing in it. sometimes i wonder if it is ok and i also wonder if my parents will agree to it. PLIZ HELP

Hi Nyash,

I presume you were also a divorcee. You have mentioned that he treats you with respect. Is “respect” a very important expectation for you from your partner? And you have mentioned that you are highly educated. Perhaps it means your level of education is far above comparable Kenyan women in your surroundings. Does that education obviously give you some sense of superiority and also a level of “demand of respect” for that education?

By any chance the strength of your education and probably your income from your profession on account of it is something that looks too attractive for your man?

When you reach an age of, say 35, your man will be in his fifties and will that middle-aged-look of your hubby by any chance trouble you?

You have not mentioned about the education level of your friend. If it were to be lower than you, will it, at a future time, become a cause for an ego-clash? Do you have a tendency to give too much weightage to the formal education and the prestige behind it?

After marriage, it is not your education nor your earnings that will decide the cordiality between you and your partner. It is not “respect”, but rather the casual, ego-less ease, taking-each-other-for-granted simplicity that will decide the strength and joy of a good relationship.

If you think that such a casual easiness not burdened by your past laurels is most likely to blossom after marriage and you are mentally prepared for such adjustments, please go ahead!

All the best!

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————–

Aadab 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

I am a 40 yr old man divorced and have a 7 ½ yr old son. I have begun liking a girl who happens to be my uncle’s daughter who is 14 yrs younger then me. She has also developed a similar feeling towards me & we have been communicating with one another for about a year now. We have only been talking to one another as I am working abroad. I have made it very clear to her about my my past life & my son. We intend to get married as we have developed great fondness for one another. Kindly advice if it would be healthy to get into a matrimonial bond. We are struggling to get our parents accept the idea but the age barrier and my divorced status seems to be reflecting towards a negative reply from both our family members. Can this really become a problem in the future. Kindly advice.

Hi Adab,

At the outset, 14 years of age gap looks too large for me too. And you have this disadvantage of having a 7 and a half year old son too to take care.

Some woman basically feel at ease at “fatherly men” and if the initial marriage chemistry works out successful, they can lead a happy life. Since this girl clearly knows your history, perhaps she is mentally prepared (and inclined) for such a relationship. If it is really so, one hurdle is removed.

But women have some peculiar emotional swings. If everything works out smoother (sexual and emotional equations) in the first couple of months of marriage, it will be fine; if not, women may start acting funny and they are capable of causing maximum damage to what you feel very important (= relationship with your son).

Another important thing is the need for your son’s acceptance of the woman. If the acceptance comes before marriage, it will be the best. It means a personal meeting of the girl with you with your son is essential. Your son is old enough, I believe, to understand your marital interest in that woman.

So, it’s all a question of preparedness. If you, your son and the woman are well prepared to face what is likely to be ahead in the life after marriage, it is going to be far better.

“In temple festivals, there will be a sudden loud explosion of fire-cracker as part of the festival entertainment and it will shock the huge gathering unexpectedly. If you are mentally prepared well ahead that during temple festival there will be this sudden explosion, you will not get shocked” – Mata Amritanandamayi.

C.V.Rajan

————————————————————————————

Priya 4 years ago

Hi sir,

I am a 27 year old female am loving a guy with his age of 23. My family is suppporting for this relation very high without the knowledge of his age am also loving a lot but his family is not supporting me . I cannot leave him but i loved him i want to marry him and he alos loved me very much . Can you please suggest some ideas regards to this matter. Your co-operation is highy appreciated. Thank you………

Hi Priya,

The idea of what is “love” before marriage will undergo a sea change after marriage! That’s the painful reality.

Are you and your boyfriend right now ready for marriage? If so, at 23, what is his statute and earning capacity in his profession? Are you employed? Are you currently earning more than him? Is he mentally mature for a married life? (Married life is not just sexual life alone).

Assuming that he would like to get married after 26 years when he will feel more like a young man standing on his own legs with confidence at the right age for his marriage, you will be a 30 year old(er) woman!

Very unfortunately, women at 30, though looking young before marriage, suddenly look older and too-matured after marriage. A child birth adds fuel to the fire.

Such things may not seem to matter “now”, but suddenly they may look too formidable when the reality dawns in life.

What will happen to you if, say at your age of 36, your man (still a young man at 32) starts ignoring you and looking for sexual gratification with another young woman, who is likely to be more sexually compatible to him?

There are such fine nuances in life which older generation did think about and that’s why the socially acceptable practice of a man marrying a girl younger to him was widely practiced across the globe.

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————-

Abhijit 4 years ago

Hello sir, I am 31 years of age & I am in love with my maternal uncles daughter who is 21 years of age. She respects me a lot. She is ready to get married with me. I am a software engineer by profession & she is a teacher by profession. But somewhere I am a bit worried about the age difference. She has a very matured mind & she understands my feeling very well. Sir When I think of the age difference between you & your wife, I feel like my & my fiancé age has only a difference of two when compared to yours. So I want to know, How successfully have you adjusted & mainatained the relationship with your wife so far? I would be very happy so that it will take your example in mind when starting a new life with my fiancé. Thanks in advance.

Hi Abhijit,

Remember that I am one generation older than you and in my generation, women took submissiveness to husband for granted. The larger age gap did help that submissiveness. By God’s grace, my wife adjusted too well with me and we were one of the few very happy couples in our surroundings. Our value systems, outlook towards money matters, relatives, expectations in life and even spiritual outlook almost matched very well, by God’s grace.

I was not an authoritative husband (though as a male I was sure about my one-up-manship!) We were very communicative and I was her best friend and she was my best friend after marriage. Both of us never needed a confidante outside of us to discuss problems.

Even where there were differences, my wife was willing to accept my views in critical situations, because she had faith in my maturity. My wife too was a minister for me to consult, as she had good judgment about people.

But my observation of present generation is that women of today seem too keen to dominate (and even manipulate) their husbands and that’s one of the reasons why present generation girls want much smaller age gap.

Any day, it is my personal opinion that men are better balanced in their emotions than women, when emotions are put into strain in a relationship. This way, a matured man (= larger age gap) can definitely have a better understanding of his wife’s emotional swings and handle it better and more level-headedly, unlike a young husband, who too is likely to react too emotionally when problems creep up among them.

On the other side, you may face problems related to generation gap (the way married women prefer to dress like girls (= western style), the way they mingle with colleagues of opposite sex in office, the way money is to be spent on unnecessary extravaganza, the compulsions of socialization outside office etc etc).

If you are sure that your girl understands your value systems and expectations in such things very well and you too will be able to adjust to the present day scenario better, then go ahead.

I have seen around me many successful marriages with large age gap at least in my generation. (I should say such age gaps are not seen in the present day and hence I am not able to say so for the present generation).

All the best to you!

C.V.Rajan

P.S.: This IT-Teacher combo looks very attractive to me! As a teacher I believe she will be better imbibed with principles and values. She will be less exposed to the evils of the onslaught of western culture, so widely seen in the corridors of IT companies!  (C.V.Rajan)

=========================================

rachel 4 years ago

i am in love with a man 14 years older than me. we are from the same community, religion and the same area. i have never been married but he is separated from his wife with whom they had a child who is now 8 years of age. he loves me too. should i go ahead with the relationship? he wants to marry me.

Rachel,

“He wants to marry me”. Does it mean you are not too sure? 14 years of gap, in my own personal standards is too large, at the outset.

When he wants to marry you, I believe he would definitely expect you to play the role of mother effectively for his 8 year old child too. If that were so, it should be an irrevocable moral commitment for you to take care of the child and be good at it too. Whatever (love and) affection that you develop on the child should continue even after you get a child of your own.

Are you prepared for this moral commitment?

You are first hand and he is second hand. If this reality is not a matter of botheration, then it is fine.

Another important thing is the child’s acceptance to your arrival to his family. It means, there has to be a meeting between you and the child and a cordiality should develop between you. If that chemistry works out, then one hurdle is removed.

Otherwise, if you are quite confident of your mutual love and if there is no manipulative intent or hidden agenda behind this proposed relationship — either from his side or from your side, you may take a plunge.

Pray to God for divine guidance if confusion persists.

C.V.Rajan

pooja 4 years ago

i am 24 and husband 37. i am confused .is it is ok

8m 4 years ago

Since when is mental maturity based on the acceptance of the institution of marriage, financial status and employment experience? This sounds like conservative, religion-based, moral oppression. If one chose to never marry, is one chronically immature? This is sexist propaganda stinking of materialistic ideology.

Beliefs like yours prove that god is dead.

Hi 8m,

I am afraid your comment is not properly focused. What is your real objection? Is it against marriage or is it against materialistic life?

I write from India where the highest religious goal is attaining God through renunciation. If you want to attain God, keep away from materialism and sexual (sensual) attractions. This is what saints like Ramakrishna declare. Celibacy is an essential basic virtue for a spiritual seeker who wants to attain God.

That’s the core spirituality at one side.

At other side is the materialistic world with all its lures and the God created attraction between man and woman that ensures progeny. If this part of life has to succeed well and is to have the proper balance in morality, then the institution of marriage has proved its worth. A marriage relationship needs to survive in this world and some essential materialistic interference can never be avoided.

Hope I have made things clear.

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————-

Shomail 4 years ago

I want to marry a girl who is 8.5 years Younger than me. Rite now i am 24 and she is 16 years.Do you think that it will be perfect marriage Couple.

I want to marry a girl who is 8.5 years Younger than me. Rite now i am 24 and she is 16 years.Do you think that it will be perfect marriage Couple.

Hi Shomail,

If you marry the girl after she reaches 19/ 20 years of age, it should be okay, I think.

C.V.

Shomail 4 years ago

Sir Actually Problem is that she is my Student. I can’t express what i feel about her because she respects me as a teacher.Sir Do u think that A student and a teacher can become a life partner.Actually Problem is that I like her and want to become her my life partner…

Shomail,

A difficult situation indeed! I don’t know which country you belong to. I write from India and in our country a teacher is a respectable person, who is to be treated almost like father. But that’s the ideal, imposed from the culture of the past. Present day cultural tendencies cross certain boundaries.

If the girl respects you as a teacher, it is good, normal and right. But if the issue of love is brought in and is made open, it can create lots of social headaches to the school as an institution and to the parents in society who send their children to school with a belief that they are safe there to study without any other distractions.

A 16 year girl may get confused and disturbed when your love is revealed. Even if she reciprocates, how far the institution will accept it as okay? What will be the reaction of the girl’s parents and also parents of girls of same age in the school?

There is quite a good chance that people may interpret your love to be primarily with a sexual motive with a hidden agenda of intimidating or molesting an innocent girl.

The respectability of the teaching profession gets a beating if things were to turn ugly due to the reaction of the society. You may even lose your job if parents of the girl take up the issue negatively with your school authorities.

So, it is a very precarious situation, even if you whole heartedly believe that your love is pure.

The best course will be, if your love is strong enough, to wait till the girl completes schooling and moves up to college. Then, perhaps after 2/3 years, you may try to re-establish your contacts with the girl and express your love. If she reciprocates, well and good. Else, move away.

In my opinion, any hasty move to expose your love on the girl at her tender school going age of 16 can create lots of problems, particularly because you are a respectable teacher.

Shomail 4 years ago

C.V.

Sir First Of All I missed one thing to tell you that I was her tutor at home.By profession i am an Engineer and has just Completed my Education. I taught Her at home not at School.Her mother Knows me and respect me too.Now in days I have completed my Course there and she has just completed her exams and it looks i will not teach there any more because i will get the job soon.

Sir Plz i want a help from you I want to Forget her but i can’t.I know her from the least 3 years but can’t express my Feeling infect I don’t want to Disturb her educational Life. Sir I am Disturb What should i do ..?

Shomail,

I can advise about marriage, but not about loving before marriage! No experience. Sorry!

C.V.Rajan

Shomail 4 years ago

Plz sir I want help any suggestion for the sake of ur God Plz plz any Suggestion. will be very help full for me at this time

Hi Shomail,

If you were a school teacher, I suggested this already:

“The best course will be, if your love is strong enough, to wait till the girl completes schooling and moves up to college. Then, perhaps after 2/3 years, you may try to re-establish your contacts with the girl and express your love. If she reciprocates, well and good. Else, move away.”

This still holds good, because you are interested in her completing the studies. But you are neither a school teacher, nor you are sure whether the girl has interest in you. Right?

Then, you may do one thing. You can keep your contacts with the girl and family, by visiting their home once in a while (say 5/6 months once) to enquire how the girl is studying and whether they are all well.

You should be smart enough to watch their reaction to you when you visit them. Their facial expression, body language, their interest or lack of interest in welcoming you as a guest etc. Does the girl’s face show any specific brightening up when you visit her? Is her reaction or attitude towards you is more than a common courtesy extended to a guest? Or, does she show any cold reaction when you try to talk to her?

You should never lose your respectability with the family, I think. If you find receptive and positive signals, then you can proceed step by step in winning the girl’s heart along with acceptance from her family members. If you don’t find receptive signals or find cold reception both from girl and family, it may be better to wash your hands and move away.

You see, I am middle aged and old fashioned. This is what I can suggest and nothing romantic will be there in such suggestions! What to do?!

C.V.Rajan

Shomail, 4 years ago

Thanks for the Suggestion Sir!

---

As I developed this website, I thought all those discussions could be quite relevant for many other readers too. Hence, I have grouped those Q&As into separate posts and are available for you to read in this site. 

Here are the links to the continuation of more Q&A on this subject:

For more Questions from readers on this subject and my answers to them, please continue to read Part 2 of Q&A on right age combination between husband & wife for marriage.

——————————————————————————

For more Questions from readers on this subject and my answers to them, please continue to read Part 3 of Q&A on right age combination between husband & wife for marriage.

——————————————————————————