How to understand men in a marital relationship

Men, unlike women, are far easier to understand. Most men are very eager to understand women, but they are not really shrewd enough for the task since women are not open enough to be understood easily! On the other hand, women are quite shrewd to understand men who are far less complicated a creation of God, provided women are eager enough to observe and learn!

What do women basically want from men? Security, loyalty, love, understanding and emotional support. To get some or all these from men, women have got to make certain sacrifices in life and a good understanding of men can help women a lot in this respect.

A word of caution: Some of the ideas discussed in this article may be quite unpalatable to feminists. Also, not all men will fit into the stereotypes discussed here.

1) Man wants some degree of respect from his woman

Whether he deserves it or not, whether he can reciprocate it or not, man want his woman to show some degree of respect to him. This expectation may come in several forms:

• Giving him the pleasure of delivering the last word in an argument or in decision making
• Not shouting at him back over and above his voice in an argument
• Not rubbing him at the wrong side when he is in an irritable mood
• Not seriously criticizing him or complaining about him to his friends and dear ones (but making fun of his idiosyncrasies in a light hearted way without intentionally hurting him is okay)
• Not trying to dominate him in an authoritative or commanding voice or manners
• Not commanding or demanding his support or assistance in doing or sharing domestic chores as a matter of right.

2) Most men do not believe in “equal partnership” in marital relationship

Even though they may eulogize such a relationship verbally, most men, heart of heart, believe in the dictum of the Orwellian Jungle – “some animals are more equal than others”! There are deep psychological reasons behind it. We shall come to them later in this article.

Whether he truly deserves one-upmanship or not, man thinks and believes that, whatever be the qualities that his woman may possess better than him – be it good looks, age, education, proficiency in fine arts, earnings or professional status, his status as “man” is one step above all these of a woman. He cannot easily digest any domination of his woman on the strength any of these qualities. He may compromise and accept domination by the woman due to practical or selfish considerations in short term, but the basic resistance will always be seething inside him, and it will show its ugly head one day or other.

…and men cannot digest it!

3) A Man’s mental maturity is mostly a shade less than that of a woman of same age

This is one of the reasons why a woman is generally advised to marry a man older than her. Women attain both physical and mental maturity at much younger age than men. A girl attains puberty at about 12 to 14 years where as a boy attains it at 14 to 17 years of age. A girl’s instinct about the opposite sex is much more developed at the teen age in comparison with boys.

Nothing to do with aging!

Seeing the world and observing people, sense of responsibility towards one’s own life and that of those dependent on oneself, firming up of clear ideas about one’s needs and wants, goals and ambitions etc are reasonably well developed in a woman at about 21 years; on the other hand, a man of comparable age is far more boyish, carefree, takes things too lightly and is afraid of getting into commitments and taking up responsibility. An unbridled, play-boy life looks to be far more attractive to a man at that age than one of commitment and responsibility of a marital relationship.

A level of mental maturity towards a disciplined family life and the realization that love and affection of a caring wife is far more valuable than a physical outlet for lust comes to a man somewhere above the age of twenty six or so.

4) Sexual urge in a man is much more strong and explicit than in women

And it remains over a much longer age.

The sexual urge and overt need of sexual gratification get subsided in a woman to an extent once she becomes a mother. After the age of 35, a woman’s sexual urges get toned down considerably and in her late forties the woman attains menopause which, on most women, drastically curbs her sexual needs.

That’s not the case with men. Men sexual urges remain strong for quite long and their virility can extent even up to the age of 60. Men’s sexual urges get excited through their visual faculty predominantly. That’s why, man’s inherent tendency to ogle at shapely women shamelessly remains in them, unmindful of their aging. The reason for most men viewing pornography irrespective of their age, maturity, marital status, objections from partners etc is primarily because of their getting sexual arousal through the visual medium.

To state crudely, this tendency of men is akin to a dog’s “natural urge to urinate” at the sight of a lamp-post!

5) A woman is essentially designed to be a “mother” by nature; but a man has no such natural fatherly instincts.

Emotionally and biologically, a woman reaches her “wholeness” only through motherhood. That’s how God has created her. But that’s not the case with men. Most women are natural mothers. Most men are not natural fathers. Fatherly love is something that a man cultivates, aided and inspired by the love of the mother and the attraction of Godliness in a child. No man can ever play the role of a mother to his children, whatever be the extent of his love.

6) A man loves to be loved like a mother by his wife

A man’s bondage to his mother, by nature, is too strong than a woman’s bondage to her mother. A man, heart of heart, craves for the motherly tender care from his wife; he loves to have her attention, cuddling, her concern on his welfare, her cooking and filling his stomach with the foods of his taste and so on.

7) A man willingly submits to woman’s domination only through love

As we have seen in point (1) above, a man cannot, by nature, tolerate an authoritatively dominating woman. But the same man willingly submits to his wife, provided she floors him by her love, affection, commitment and loyalty to him and her care of their family and children. Fortunately, God has given all these qualities to woman, but some woman who cannot digest this simple natural fact, tend to play the wrong cards and lose the game in their lives.

8) Men are far less expressive verbally, unlike women

Men believe that their feelings and love are to be better understood by their actions than words. Many men get exasperated by women’s natural tendency to expect expression of love, even if it sounds too artificial, through the words of men.

9) Man’s basic instincts always makes him believe that his role and responsibility is essentially outside the house

That’s why he has lots of mental resistance to extend help in domestic chores to his wife; while on one hand he comfortably enjoys the monetary benefits of an employed wife bringing in money, he assiduously and selfishly tends to ignore the moral obligation to return favors to his wife by way of sharing her domestic chores.

10) Physical brute ness and polygamist tendencies in a man of today are highly subdued, but remain buried deep inside

On account of gradual evolution, education and cultural growth, men’s animal-like aggressive instincts and polygamist tendencies have been highly toned down, but they remain very much deeply buried in most men’s psyche.

It’s a woman’s tenderness, capacity to love him despite all his weaknesses and her inclination to lean on him for security, support and succor that makes the brute in the man to behave nicely with his woman. A man, heart of heart, thinks that he has compromised a lot from his basic instincts and that he deserves that much of extra love, respect and one-upmanship in his relationship with the woman.

Cause and effect?

11) Many men believe that women are gifted better histrionic capabilities that men can not match on equal footing.

Such men believe that if a woman can assault and hurt them with words, they have the right to use physical force to counter it and think there is nothing wrong in it. If a man is expected to digest a woman’s verbal onslaught post-fight, he thinks a woman is expected to digest his physical assault and call it a truce.

Over and above all these, there are several other unique aspects of men that are normally discussed in many books of psychology and those points are not repeated here.

If a woman can understand all these fine psychological realities about a man, she gets the right key to handle her man the right way. Women of previous generations had a better grasp of this reality than the present generation and they were far more successful in walking over the knife edge of life than the woman of present generation, who expect, want and demand total equality. Families break on account of such misunderstandings and women continue to remain the most emotionally affected lot in the bargain.

Related reading: Learning successful marriage tips from India