What is the ideal age gap between man and woman for marriage? – Real life Q&A – Counseling – Part 3
This is part 3 of questions from readers and answers given by me related to my article on What is the ideal gap between husband and wife for marriage.
IF you are curious, you can read Part:2 of the Q&A on this subject and then come back to read further here.
SUDESH YADAV 3 years ago
I am 36 year old divorcee and my future wife is 22 years old. what is your opinion about this marriage?
Hi Sudesh Yadav,
It looks you may be walking on a razer’s edge!
C.V.Rajan
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Faith 3 years ago
Hi.C.V if I may where did you acquire your enomourse knowledge? on this most important subject?
Faith,
It is faith! (Plus observing life, reading, contemplating, spiritual yearnings….)
C.V.Rajan
Rajesh 3 years ago
Hi,I am just 22yr old boy and my girl friend is 32yrs .We are really committed to each other but the age factor .There arise no question about support.She loves me a lot and I love her as well and dont know how things would work out looking ahead for a solution.She looks young as a 24yr old an me as well 25yrs.
Looking out for a good suggestion as it is I can’t leave her now neither can she.But to take things ahead..
Rajesh,
You are 22 years old “Boy” only now. When you become a “man” mature enough to face a married life, you will be 26. At that age, she will be 36. Safe child bearing age for a woman is 35 max, though there may be cases here and there woman giving birth at ages older than 35.
The speed with which women start growing (side wise!) as well as looking older will be rapid as woman gets older. Suddenly, after marriage and giving birth, the old looks would have every chance to get exposed. It means, at your 29th age, when you still look young, your wife (will look like a middle aged lady of 39, possibly looking like a 42 year old too, who knows!)
I am not an emotional or sentimental guy. I would only take “deeply in love with each other” (a 32 yr old lady talking like a teen age girl about love) dialogs with a pinch of salt. Sorry if I am blunt. I don’t really understand what goes behind practically in these sort of love affairs.
C.V.Rajan
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Jhanavi 3 years ago
Hi Sir,
I am 23 yr old and my guy is 36 yr old. Is it good to get married? we are in love with each other from past 6 yrs. We have good understanding between each other. But my fear is of age difference.
Please advice me
Hi Jhanavi,
13 years is quite a wide age gap. The consequences are already discussed in the article and in several replies in the above responses. YOu may paerticularly read my reply to Gloria, which will be apt for you too.
C.V
Jhanavi 3 years ago
Thank you C.V
I read that response. But i am scared, i may not live without him.
We are in relation from past 6 years. We know each other pretty well. I don’t think i can stay away from him. More over, love is also a commitment and a promise. I have promised him that i shall be with him in worst or best situation. Now i cant think about breaking that promise.
I also got proposal’s from other guys for marriage. They are younger than my guy they are in good position. But i rejected i could not even think about some one else in my guy’s place.
I am in confusion. If i think about my future then i should better leave him, but at the end of the day i am answerable to my heart. I feel guilt that i spoiled one person’s life. He would have got a better life if i had rejected him long back but i didn’t do it at that time. Now if i leave him how will he stay? he loves me so much. I even get scared thinking about that. I am emotionally so dependent on him. Leaving without him is like impossible to me. Also, my parents would ask me to marry other guy. How can i do that? In my heart i have one person and how can i become someone else’s wife?
On the other hand if i accept to continue my life with him, i am scared of those situations that you mentioned in Gloria’s response.
Now should i support my heart and the truth that i cant leave him or should i spoil his life and walk away from him? By doing this neither he will have a happy life and nor me i feel.
He already has one love failure, i don’t think he will live if i leave him.
Now i don’t know what to do..
Should i sacrifise my life to keep him happy and also to keep up my promise and to make sure that i didn’t spoil ones life. Or thinking practically, should i leave him; hurt him and hurt myself and against my heart should i accept someone else?
I really don’t know.
Jhanvi
Hi Jhanavi,
“Love is a commitment and a promise” – beautifully said. As long as your conscience is pricking you on any possible alternative like leaving him, then it is always best to go by the voice of the conscience. It means, you are committing yourself to a bold decision leaving aside all the real and imagined consequences and such a decision should give you necessary moral strength face any situation, come what may.
I do believe such a stand will be spiritually right.
I have given the following reply to one Pallavi and it looks it is apt for you too:
“Because, marriage is a moral commitment. In true love (whether before marriage or after marriage) there is and there should always be an element of sacrifice. If excessive selfishness exists in a relationship, there is really no love.
In addition to it, I believe there is another element existing in a love affair and it is trust. If one person is trustworthy and another is not trustworthy, then again it is not love. It means someone wants to have an escape route if things don’t happen the way one wants.
In living together, people keep this escape route option open.
But, in a marriage, one is expected to give more than one receives and have a willingness to adjust with the shortcomings of other, putting selfishness a little behind. That’s why marriage is respected. Marriage has an element of spiritual quality behind it.
Head may say, be selfish; be calculative. Heart may say, accept; be committed; stand on your hopes and promises; value your feelings; value the other person’s feelings; don’t extrapolate too much.
Again, the question of conscience. I have seen people who just don’t listen to the voice of their conscience. I have also seen people who value so much about their conscience.
As a third person, I cannot say “you do this”. I would perhaps only say this: If you have faith in God, pray to God earnestly to give you guidance. Take a pilgrimage. Do some Vratha (skipping food for a night and praying). Go to a living Mahatma and seek his/ her guidance.
The decision you take should finally elevate you spiritually tomorrow and leave you with a better mental peace and stability.
May God’s guidance reach you.”
C.V.Rajan
Jhanavi 3 years ago
Yes C.V i read that too..
But C.V i don’t think i alone am sacrificing.
He also would have sacrificed many of his desires to just keep me happy rite.
So is there any decision that i can take where he will be happy and me too..
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Madushan 3 years ago
dear sir, I love a girl from my heart. I don’t matter her age. the true is she elder than me from 2 years. I know she likes me too. but she not accept my proposal becouse she is in guilt about this. I can’t explain this anymore to her. but I want she. can u say something about this. if u do, I can show it to her. I believe ang does not matter for true love. plz help me sir. thank u so much
Hi Madushan,
I too want to believe that age does not matter provided love is “true”. Whether this true love comes with lifelong, non-transferable warranty is the only question!
C.V.Rajan
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prashant 3 years ago
I am 34 years guy, have married with a girl in last two years of 8 years older than me, it was an arrange marriage in my parent wish, i could not aware about my wife age before as i am staying far away from my home. the problems is now, i could not adjust to myself to living with such a older women and also could not able to concertate to myself for spending with her a happy life, i am so frausted and distress to myself in my life, i have read a story like sameer have posted here is totally same like me, i also read your advice , which you have given to sammer questions in this forum, but i would like to know from you a better comments in this regard.
Priya 3 years ago
Hello Sir,
I got married this june & right now living with my husband.ours is arranged marrige.we talked to each other for 7 months before getting married. about 3 months before our marrige, i got a mail from some unknown person warning me to not marry him coz he actually loves someone else & his parents are forcing him to marry somebody from this caste,thats why he is ready to marry me & actually he is very unhappy.
I discussed this matter with him, but he assured me that everything was fake & i also believed him. But after my marriage i realized that, actually he is hiding something from me…He secretly talk with a girl. At first i thought that i m thinking all these becoz of that mail, but a couple of weeks ago, while going through his mail, i come to know that whatever the unknown person had mailed me before marrige was right…He married me becoz his parents forced him to do so…& he is still in contact with his girlfriend & at time they meet also.
I would also like to tell you, that he had never misbehaved with me, rather takes good care & tries to fulfill my wishes.
I am unable to understand whats going on his mind. He has no idea that i know everything about him & his girlfriend.
I am feeling very restless & dont know what to do, whether to tell him about all this or not, whether to involve my parents in this or solve it alone. Plz sir, help me.
Hi Priya,
It is painful to read your story.
In the present day circumstances where boys and girls have lots of opportunity to mingle right from school level and the culture has evolved in such a way that having a boy-friend/ girl friend is a must for your ‘youth-status’, many boys and girls get into trouble like this. Our Indian culture is such that after marriage, the previous relationship is weaned out for the sake of the moral commitment of marriage. But if that’s not happening, then it a real cause for pain.
Do you believe in God? Do your husband believe in God? If you have good faith, please make a soulful prayer to your favorite God to solve your problems amicably. Undertake some vows (keeping upavasa for a day in a week, regularly visiting temple, chanting divine names etc) and soulfully pray for inner guidance to tackle the problem amicably.
If you have faith in any living Mahatma/ Guru, meet him/ her and convey your problem to him/ her and seek guidance.
You can set a time frame (say, like 1 month) for such austerities so as to gain your mental balance and also to receive any divine guidance(like an inner resolve that sounds practical to you) that you may get. After this period if some positive changes are occurring on their own, take it as a divine dispensation.
If your husband has faith in God and if he has a favorite deity, take him to that temple and in that place, have a frank talk with him explaining all you know and all you believe. Get a commitment from him that whatever be the happening in the past, he should make sure to severe all his previous ties with the girl and get himself committed to the sanctity of your marriage. Let him make that vow to you, preferably in the temple premises. (Don’t force him; if he confesses his mistakes and seeks some more time to settle the matter, you may perhaps give him some more time).
If nothing of this sort to settle the matter with a generosity of ‘forgive and forget’ happens, you can think of taking up the matter with your parents.
This is just my personal opinion. It is up to you to decide whether to accept my suggestions or otherwise.
May God’s grace be with you to resolve your problems.
Namah Shivaya
C.V.Rajan
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Nilesh kadam 3 years ago
I am 30 years old n i am going to arenge marge but shi is 19.7 month old it is ok plese HALP…….
Marina 3 years ago
I am 24 year old and my boyfriend is 5 month younger than me..we are in so love and want to get married to spend our rest of lives together..is the age gap perfect for us?
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Anonimous 3 years ago
Hi everyone,
With all the respect I have for the writer of this article, I should say that he has made a prison out of bias for himself and is trying to get others into it as well. He is one of those people who promote stigma and slow down the humanity’s path towards freedom.
First of all, to prove something right or wrong, we need to consider all the aspects of a situation. The author’s main (and only) reason for proving his point is that girls mature physically and mentally faster than boys. The physical part may be true in some cases, but not always. Plus, physical maturity is completely irrelevant to one’s mental and emotional maturity.
Children hit puberty at different ages and there is no rule for that. My brother’s voice started to change at age 12, while my 15 year-old cousin was still awaiting her first period and got it a year later. Moreover, the argument of puberty thing is only considerable when children are still growing up.
In other words, even if girls hit puberty at somewhat younger ages than boys, it only becomes relevant when we are talking about children in state of development, and not adults. Once people reach adulthood, their current state of body and mind becomes irrelevant to the ups and downs of their development during childhood. Who cares whether a 30 year old man had hit puberty at age 12 or 17? The fact that he had his first wet dream at age 12 does not make him any wiser than his other male counterpart who had it at age 16!
Plus, the author thinks of men as a bunch of idiots who don’t know what they want to do in their lives. I have seen men who in their mid 20(s) are well established and ready to start a family, as well as girls who at around age 35 are very dependent to their parents, still bouncing around confused about what they are going to do with their lives. Maturity has nothing to do with chronological age. It’s only about whether you are a type of person who learns from life experiences or not.
I know a woman who is 50 years old and whenever she does not consult with her 30 year old son, she ends up screwing things up. Now, you tell me who is the mature one here?!
Moreover, the author has forgotten to mention that women generally tend to live longer (almost 7-10 years) than men. Poor widows who will have to spend many years of their lives alone.
To wrap up, age is not the only factor in a relationship and giving too much importance to it is very naive, as one’s personality is much more important than the numbers on their birth certificate.
They say that age is just a number. However, I think that it is just a number only when the age gap is not too big. I personally would like to see physical compatibility in terms of attractiveness between couples. And, as long as the age difference is small, it does not matter whether the guy is older or younger. I personally like a very small gap of 0-3 years; however, restricting myself to such a small range is ridiculous. I remain open to larger gaps as long as the compatibility is not compromised. BECAUSE I WANNA BE A FREE HUMAN!!! And… Who am I to judge others?!
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Neha 2 years ago
Dear Sir,
I am 29 years old, will turn 30 coming Feb. I recently met a man through an arranged system and was told that he is 33-34 years old by the people who arranged the meeting. He had no idea of my age. He is 44 and looks fairly young about 34-35 which is why initially i could not gauge his age. He went through my bio and was shocked to see the age difference and has asked me to carefully consider the age gap before i take any decision. I have found him to be extremely poised, mature, good to talk to (we have had two meetings and may meet again soon) and especially since we have interests in the same field – media, it seems like it could work out. But the age gap is huge and that has both of us kind of confused. Like you have said in earlier posts, that too much age gap may not be a good thing. So I just need some of your expert advice on whether i should take this further.
Hello Neha,
14 years is rather too large a gap indeed. Post marriage, when one’s true colors and opinions will become open, what would be the effect of ‘generation gap’ is difficult to predict. You have 5 more years of safe child bearing age and at your 35, he would be 51. If he retires at 63, at that age, your son or daughter would be around 14-18 years old. his/ her future would be yet to start. Think about giving higher education to him/ her, marrying off etc.
Speaking primarily through the head only, it looks to be a difficult proposition. What if your heart feels otherwise? Seek counsel from a Mahatma/ Guru on whose words you will have full trust.
All the best.
Neha 2 years ago
Hi CV,
Thanks for the response.
I’d like u to put aside the financial bit as both of us are working and hence those issues wudn’t crop up, hopefully.
What I wud wanna know is, what other disparities can crop up? Also, with this kind of age gap at our given ages, does it become difficult to conceive? I have seen extremely healthy relationships with such wide gaps in my immediate family – that of my grand dad and grand mom & that of my paternal uncle and aunt. But these relationships essentially started at much younger ages compared to ours and hence my grandmom had 5 kids and chachi has 3. I am not interested in too many but at least 1, now since im looking to get married at around 30. My elder cousin got married at 32 and conceived immediately thereafter and had her daughter before her first anniversary! But there, I’d like to point out that her hubby is the same age as her and hence i guess no problem in conceiving.
Commitment & finances are not the major issues in my case. But having a child is. Coz in the famous celeb case of Dilip Kumar & Saira Bano where he was 44 and she was 22, they were never able to conceive. So, please enlighten me more on this.
Thanks!
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elvis from nigeria 2 years ago
age difference in marriage does not realy matter as long as couples stop thinking abt what others think abt their relationship. forget wat pple think and look inward, do u realy love and respect each other? That’s it.
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Malini 2 years ago
Hi Sir,
I have read about your article today as I have some confusion in my mind. It will be great if there can be a solution from your end. I am 30 and shall be turning 31 next year April. I have received an arranged marriage proposal for a biy who is of 28 years age. I have personally met the guy also. My height is 5’6 and the guy is a little shorter to me say 5’3. My family i.e my mom and brother have no objection in both the factors as for height and age as they consider that if the boy is good and family is good everything is fine. But I am not mentally prepared for both the scenarios. For me the basic question remaining is why is the guy getting married to me who is older than him and why is he agreeing to every thing that we (my family) is saying like currently I work so if after marriage I wish to pursue a different job in that place they say if required shall be seen also I wear specs and that has been cleared from my end in detail to the boy also. At first he had a little confusion then said to wear it so that he can look at me carefully. All these factors are creating confusion bith in my mind and heart. For my family my mom is alone as my father has expired is soley responsible for us. So seeing her point also I am nit sure what to do. At this age there are not much marriage proposals coming in due to also the financial condition which is not bad also not good. So I am in thoughts that if I reject this match will I be able to get a suitable match in future. I have also asked the boy if he has any issues in marrying a girl older to him and he did not answer anything just smiled. Please help me in suggesting a proper way out.
Hi Malini,
I too am not feeling comfortable about the match and I too feel disturbed about the various aspects, as I read your response. But as you have mentioned about your other problems (mother being alone, no father, financial situation, you age etc) there are these things that force you to reconsider any firm no as an answer.
You also please read some of my responses to various questions. You may get some more light to get your thoughts more focused.
You are in a tight situation indeed. In such circumstances, only a higher force (God or a saint) can give us some direction. Perhaps you can delay taking a decision and fervently and earnestly pray God for guidance. I am sure a heartfelt prayer can get you some solution.
All the best.
C.V.Rajan
Malini 2 years ago
Hi Sir,
Thanks for your revert.
The decision time here is what I cannot delay as in our community the answers need to be given soon. I have shared my views with my mother and brother about the marriage and my confusion. They are also in a state of confusion as they do not want to force me for this match at the same time they are afraid of the futire consequences. Until and unless I am mentally prepared I am unable to say a yes. In the boy’s family his aunt has arranged for her son a daughter in law who is older to her younger son that was as her younger son had some issues in relation to concentration and some times he had certain attacks (attack is a harsh word). My mom and brother are always with me hence I do not want to break their expectations. Frankly before writing to you also Sir I have been praying to God to guide me with the right way. But unable to find an answer.
Please help.
Hi Malini,
Why don’t you have a frank talk with the boy himself? You can perhaps say “I am not able to make up my mind; I need some more time to brood over and take a firm decision whether to go forward or not; if it is God’s will that we should get married, it will happen, but I need some time to be mentally prepared for this relationship (i.e. marrying a younger and shorter person) or otherwise. Perhaps you too can keep your options open; you too may get a better alternative or we may get married if God’s will is only that way. But I need time”
Then continue with your prayers; undertake some religious vows; visit a holy place. Then wait for divine dispensation.
C.V.Rajan
Malini 2 years ago
Sir,
I tried to confront him face to face where he stays as my mom and brother had visited his place to see the enire scenario. But as I had mentioned earlier the boy remains quiet and silent. Sir you are aware that in an arrnaged marriage there are still certain conservative ways followed. Not every family is open minded. Hence the siyuation is tough. My heart is saying that I may get someone better but my mind is giving a different state. Sir I am telling you one more thing which I had not mentioned earlier. I liked someone who is of a different caste and my family came to know this 2 years ago and at that time as my mom and brother had objections in it I took it as a no and had intimated the guy also that there is no future. I am not regretting my decision I just want my mom and brother to be happy. I just think that I deserve a good person and I am still waiting for the same which is acceptable by my family also. There is no support from my relatives towards our family also which also makes our state a little weak. I know Sir you must be thinking that this lady is going on and on even after two replies. But Sir I want to share and ask these things with someone and I found your page where I can express my views.
So please Sir please sugest your valuable suggest.
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Rosy91 2 years ago
Iam an Indian and i was 19 when i got married and my husband was 29 then.it is purely arranged.even though i was 19, i was exactly like what you have said about the mind of the girl at 14. (At that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands just like creepers winding around the trees.That acceptance without questioning perhaps brought in a beautiful bonding between them.)and i totally agree with you.Today iam 22 and my husband is 32.we do have a beautiful bond.he understands my wishes and I love him a lot.
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Karthik 19 months ago
Dear Sir,
Your article is very informative and honest. I read through most of the posts here. still in the dilemma on taking a decision. I’m 34 years old (many reasons for this long wait for marriage) . had a proposal of 20 years old girl. Everything is fine between the families and me & the girl. They are traditional family with the values, the girl is also nice and caring. Positive points I see from my side is, I look 25 yrs (metobolic age is 27), follows very healthy diet, financially stable, know the value of time & spend every moment fully. I hope to make my better half happy and satisfied with life. But still have concerns about age gap, will this age gap matter if there are many things in life to worry such as pollution, illness, debts, harassment, corruption, selfishness and so on. Please advice me.
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sapna 16 months ago
Hi m sapna .i am 30 n i love the guy is 42 the age gap is too he loves me alot he is caring n understng n my parents will wont allow me now i am very much confused wat to do should i go had or not n i hve medical prob my caste wont accept me n the guy whom i love is 10 yrs older den me plz hlp wat to do its ergent plzz hlp
Hi Sapna,
12 years is quite a large gap. Had you been, say 23 years old, it would definitely be a big negative. But since you are 30, perhaps it may be okay if both of you are indeed aware of all the issues related to the age gap (which I have discussed in several answers to various questions above. I don’t know whether you read the Q&As above).
In India, family support, cast issues etc have quite some weightage. It all depends on how much you can live without them (not just now when you are in love, but after, say 4 years when you are through the marriage!) .
And you say you have medical problem. Is your lover aware of it? If your parents want you to get married to someone in your caste, are they going to reveal the medical problem to the prospective bridegroom?
Ah! Complicated indeed!
C.V.
sapna 16 months ago
Ma parents like the guy bt they dont knw the age difference n my medical prob is thyroid n yes the guy knw s abt my medical prob if i tlk to my parents abt the age diff i dnt knw wat will hppn in past my ex boy cheat ne he is 4 yrs elder dn me
sapna 16 months ago
N the guy is very loving he take care of my every thing evn i love him too n bcoz of thyroid many people reject me in my caste bcoz of that my parents are in very much tension every tym
Hi Sapna,
If your parents are finding it difficult to get a match for you and as you are not getting any younger by day, it looks to me that you should be bold enough to talk to your parents. Place before them all the facts:
– You are already 30 years old; safe child bearing age is just 5 years away
– This person is 12 years older, but since your are already 30 the difference should not matter too much.
– This person knows about your health issues.
– A marriage with him with parental support will be better for your future well being
Let your parents have a free talk with your man; let them make their own assessment. In the meanwhile, you keep praying for divine guidance to lead you through the right path (whatever path that opens for you finally).
All the best.
C.V.Rajan
sapna 15 months ago
Thnks sir … n sry again to give u trouble the thing is i love him very much n he loves me too 80%couple fight bt in our case we never fight he is perfect frm evey way well settle he never make me feel insulted or never hurt me every tym he try to make me happy in any case bt sumtyms i feel the age gap i m very much scared
Hi Sapna,
I am not too sentimental by nature to get carried away by declarations like “I love him very much” etc! If such a love is so strong, then statement like “The age gap I am very much scared” will not come. Which means, you are also logically analyzing and doing some mental calculations! Nothing wrong; I am just pointing out the realities.
Again your statements like “he never make me feel insulted; never hurt me…” etc do make me chuckle! It will all be like that during love stage and there won’t be any assurance that it will remain so after marriage. Only because such is the ground reality of life, “80% of couple fight”! Hope you understand!
Again, if your expectations that “I shall not be insulted; I shall not be hurt by my partner” are too strong, then that itself will prove to be a big cause of trouble post marriage. Too much of sensitivity is the biggest cause of trouble in marriages.
Some insults, momentary flow of ugly words, pungent criticism when in angry mood are part and parcel of marriage life. Only such couples who can brush them aside quickly and come to terms for the sake of love (or whatever it is) can ever have some peaceful married life.
Be prepared. At some point of time or other in life, if you happen to marry the person and he, in a moment of anger, says “I married you despite knowing your thyroid problem” you may feel hurt. But if you accept the fact that what he says is indeed true, then you will get peace.
I have said too much!
Now coming to your issue. It is clear that you also are not too sure about your choice. People like me cannot come to your help, but God can. Pray sincerely for divine guidance. Undertake some vows. Do some fasting. Chant some hymns and keep praying for divine grace. You are sure to get it.
All the best.
C.V.Rajan
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raj 15 months ago
Hello sir,
I saw ur suggestion to lot of people. I am really appreciate you. I am 27 yrs old boy and my father wants now this is correct age to marry but girl they have choosen her age is approx 16 yrs. Now i am confusing and thinking that if i will say yes then this marrige will be successful or not. Or i have to say no to this proposal plz suggest…
Hello Raj,
It is illegal to get a girl of 16 married! May be it is the old custom prevailing in your region, not affected by law.
11 years is too wide a gap for marriage. At 16, she is virtually a grown up child.
C.V
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ronit 14 months ago
Sir,
I am typical Indian boy who is too much confused. My age is 28yrs old ,engineer and youngest in family. My elder sisters made too late to get married and only one got married but other sisters keep searching the guy of age diff. of only 2 or 3 yrs max. In this process they have crossed the age of 35 yrs.
I tried to tell them to have flexibility to search 5yrs old difference between boy and them but they did not listen. Previously i though that i should not marry myself and decided to lead life of celibacy to attain moksha.
Now things turned completely adverse to me, i can’t able to think to face my sisters. Nor i am able to take decision to go for spirituality or marriage. Sisters needs someone to get support as in India it is so difficult to leave sisters alone.
I had very good looks and personality, now feeling that i am getting too old. I think i am good looking and good personality and i feel that i deserve young girl about 5 to 6 yrs younger diff. age In this process my earning is average and would cross 30yrs after two year.
I am very confused how to lead life, I would be having regret to not having beautiful wife due to my average earning and being crossed 30yrs after 2 yrs from now. I am virgin and i see around that i could not find virgin girl due to my age.
My age would be problem to get good young girl. I don’t expect working girl either. I am ready to give most commitment to my wife if i get one as i wish.
Hi Ronit,
A very poignant situation indeed. I think the times are changing so fast that good values and practices in life are gradually getting eroded in society. Very unfortunately, the current situation in India is that girls at marriageable age are less and boys are more in number.
Added to it, girls are well employed, enjoy a lot more freedom of choice, can dictate terms and get away with it. (May be your sisters were unlucky as their terms didn’t work out!) Moderately earning boys getting the right girl to marry is becoming an uphill task nowadays unless they smart enough to woo girls into love affairs.
Getting into spirituality by keeping brahmacharya must be based on clear-cut understanding, conviction, mental resilience and above all under the guidance of a qualified spiritual guru. If not, you will be neither here nor there, pulled by lust at one end and desire to get moksha at another end. The power of lust is so potent that even great people can fail on that account.
Since you seem to be a honest and committed person (for the well being of your sisters) I am sure God will make you happy in life in the right way. Have faith in God. All the best.
C.V.Rajan
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Raj 14 months ago
Sir, should i marry divorced girl having age diff 5 years,, She don’t have child but i liked her..
I am honest and straight forward, i want my wife to be truthful about relation…please guide me..Iam never married and religious,never had any serious relation..
Hello Raj,
As an old fashioned man, I wonder why an unmarried man, who has every potential to get married to an unmarried woman, should go for a divorced woman. You said an age difference of 5 years. You are elder or she is elder? If she is the elder one, again why on earth, one should think of such a relationship?
Whether you are younger or she is younger, I welcome you to read this article (not mine), which I found very interesting:http://hubpages.com/relationships/7-Reasons-Why-Yo…
C.V.
Raj 14 months ago
Sir, she is younger than me… She is good looking and i find she is good looking but don’t know anything about her past…
She looks innocent to me and i think i atleast know about her… actually she is same caste as me…
I think atleast i should know whether she is right person or not for stable relation in marriage…
There are very less choices now for marriage .. most of girls i don’t like..very few girls are shortlisted….
Plan for arranged marriage only…
Raj 14 months ago
That article is helpful.
Thanks…
Sharath 13 months ago
Hi sir
My age now 21 but my girlfriend age is 27 is any problem about the age if we marry means …….
Sharat,
If you read my article, all answers are already there.
rayma sharma 13 months ago
hi sir,
i am suffering a lot with this age difference, i want to get marry with a boy who is 10 year younger than me. i know my married life would not be safe but i can forget him. please wrote a article to forget a person if there is 10 years age difference between them, your article is really best to learn in future. thank u sir please solve my problem
Rayma Sharma,
I am not able to understand what you mean – what your problem is and what you expect.
C.V.
Dinesh Cool 13 months ago from Chennai, Tamil Nadu
Hi Sir,
First of all i need to thank for sharing a wonderful conversation.Now i was at the age of 23 and my girl friend age is 16.she was my cousin my mom’s own brothers daughter(mama ponnu). I like her and she too like me alot. Now i was working as a software engineer.I was planned to marry at the age of 28 or 29. I need know whether i was in wright path?
sadham hussain 12 months ago
My wife is greater than 9month to me. what are the problems are I will faced plz reply me
Dinesh Cool,
While age difference is good, I am afraid there has been lots of scientific findings that do not really favor marrying withing blood relations like maama ponnu, aththai ponnu etc.
C.V.
hi am from nepal my age is 23 and my girl friend age is 20 can i do marriage with hum
arsu 12 months ago
hi sir i am 21, my brother in law is 32 , we are going to marry in june ,
we both love each other , i am typing this together with him .
is there any problems in this
Hi Arsu,
I have already given some views on the subject (of around 10 years age gap – wife being younger) in some of my earlier replies to others. Please scan through my replies above to locate the specific answers.
All the best.
C.V.
arsu 12 months ago
thank you sir for ur reply ,
i will go through your previous replies regarding this issue
jagdish 11 months ago
Women in their 40s are busy with their teenage kids but men even with teenage kids are still looking for younger mate. Why?
It simply means 10 years would be ideal age difference for sexually happy marriage life.
saniya khan 9 months ago
I think this column is very useful for all couple who are confused about each other in different phases of age difference.
shalini 9 months ago
Hi there I need your help.Currently i have received a proposal for marriage.But im unable to decide wether to accept it or not and the major issues are age gap.Kindly advice me im now turning 28 next month and the guy age is 36 coming october.Its 8 years age gab between but i knew this person more than 10 years and both of us have never had any intention within this time frame.Coincidently my family member decided to match both us .Do you think i should accept it or not.The only matter is he is gem of person and definitely i would say that he is very good and gentle.Im totally confused to accept the proposal or let go due to age gao but another part im not able to let him because of his good characteristic.I need your urgent replues and please advice me accordingly and hope to hear soon from you .Thank you
Hi Shalini,
As you might have seen in my original article and several comments, I am basically in support of a longer age gap. Since you find good qualities in the man and you are in a way inclined to accept the man for those qualities, then I believe the longer age gap should not be a big issue.
You are already 28. Sooner or later, aged looks will start showing. You have just 7 years of child bearing age ahead of you. As you age more and more, finding a right partner will become more and more difficult. Some times, you may even be forced to make more compromises in case of any extraordinary delay in finding a better partner!
As long as you don’t want to be a dominating and manipulating partner in the married life (I believe present day girls are particular about this privilege and that’s why they prefer very small age difference!), I believe and hope you will end up with a good married life.
May God show you the right way and bless you with a happy married life.
C.V.Rajan
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muzzy 9 months ago
Hi,
I found your thoughts very interesting and shocking. As much as I want to disagree with them, they do shed light on reality. I am a Pakistani woman (24 years old) brought up in Canada. I got married at age 22 with a 24 year old and am getting divorced. It was mainly due to ego clashes and both wanting respect and the upper hand. I understand from your article and comments that you highly encourage a 4-8 year age difference. But what would you say for me who has been with a 2 year difference and hasn’t worked out. I wouldn’t mind going for someone 4-8 years older….actually my parents know of a person 9 years older. I am confused because I am a Canadian woman who wants respect affection and equality. Do you think a man who is also Candian raised would give me those things if he is 4-8/9 years older?
I don’t think I will have the option of going on dates but perhaps talking over phone. Do you have any advice on how I can pick a man apart and find his reality?
What age difference do you think is good for me (in terms of my past situation and future outlook)?
muzzy 9 months ago
Oh maybe a little more info: I am becoming a social worker. and the 9 years older guy is a little less educated. He has a diploma in buisness management. I have been in Canada since age 2 and my ex was here for only 1.5 years….this 9 years older guy has been in Canada for a while too. I am quite religious and cultural but demand respect trust and mutual understanding to an extent in a relationship. If he even attempts to give me all that I know I will give him twice as much. I hope you get a better picture of my life. Please feel free to be as specific and detailed as possible 🙂
Thank you for your time.
Muzzy
Hello Muzzy,
Interesting!
You see, I am a 60 year old Indian man and my views on what is good for a married life are all based on certain time tested archaic values (which may not be totally palatable to present generation). These values are built on Hindu human qualities like humility, subduing the ego for the sake of good relationship, not trying for one-upmanship, giving rather than demanding etc etc and I would sound more like a male chauvinist!
If a marriage is to succeed, a woman has to be tactful in not denying a man his sense of superiority (whether he deserves it or not) and work her way around through the path of love and care to get what she needs.
The moment you ‘demand’ respect, the respect somehow eludes you. That is a fact of life.
Now that you have some bad experiences in your previous married life, I am sure you can be cautious not to repeat your mistakes (and it requires a frank self analysis and open mind to acknowledge and accept our share of mistakes!)
The questions before you are:
– Will you think that you are in some way superior because of your higher educational qualifications and use it as a tool to settle scores at moments of bitterness?
– Will your partner feel inferior before you because of that and in order to hide it, will he try to act over-smart?
– Will you curtail your previous tendency to dominate and give him more respect for his age and maturity?
– Will you be prepared to “earn” respect by way of your love, affection and care (by giving love care etc first, not by saying :”If he gives, I will give two-fold, not otherwise!”) rather than demanding it as a matter of marital right?
– You are saying you are quite religious. I believe Prophet Mohamed has given several down-to-earth guidelines in Quran for Muslim woman regarding marital relations. Following them could be naturally conducive for you.
If you don’t foresee any major problems in these crucial questions, perhaps you can take a positive decision.
I have written some other hubs about success of Indian marriages, how to make a married life last for ever, the problem of violence in marriages and some old fashioned solutions, discussions on monogamy and polygamy (whether nature or nurtured) and why some amount of male domination is accepted by woman etc.
If you find time to read them, you can get some points to ponder and for self-analysis.
All the best to you!
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Muzzy 9 months ago
Thank you so much for your replies and I very respectfully have more comments and questions:
From a few other articles I have read of yours, I understand that you say men are superior to women no matter if he deserves it or not. I am having trouble agreeing to that concept perhaps because of the environment that I live in. I don’t understand how a woman can just give and a man sits and enjoys. Does a woman have no right to recieve love and respect? I can earn it but why can’t a man earn it as well? Why can’t we work together to start a relationship based on love and respect. Your other article about making a marriage last for ever is also interesting but I found it some what contradicting. You claimed that having trust, love etc. is very important in relationships but why is a women only obliged to do that? Why can’t both man and woman care and love. It seems like you are saying a woman is going to do all the giving, respecting, loving because it is a man’s right. Does a woman not deserve that in return? I feel scared for my future because I crave love and respect so much but men are taught that they can be selfish. they are the breadwinners and they don’t have to care for their wife.
You wrote very good things about making a marriage work. You talked about care, friendship love etc. and also not being selfish but at the end you concluded it off by basically implying that women do all that and men sit back and enjoy it. I have so much love to give to my future husband. I know I have made many mistakes in my past, which I fully intend not to repeat but ultimately, he was worse. He abused me in other ways too. I am ready to give a lot of love to someone but I want it as well. I can start it off but how long do I have to wait to get it in return….I know you are going to say I shouldn’t expect anything in return or I shouldn’t put conditions on my love but is that really reality? Do all women lovingly live with an undeserving man?
On a side note: I thank you again for your advice/ responses because I have struggled with these questions for some time now and I have finally met someone who can answer them in a way that I will understand. Everything you say is reality. I know. But it is unfair reality. You said I am dominating by nature. I disagree. I want love in exchange for love. Is that too much to ask for?
Hi Muzzy,
I liked your statement: “Everything you say is reality. I know. But it is unfair reality.”
Why this unfairness has come into existence and why is it around all over the world, cutting across all religions and cultures? I have tried to find the answer for it and elaborated it in this article:
Monogamy – Is it nature or nurtured?
(In my own self-judgment, I have always felt this is one of my best articles).
In this article, I have NOT dealt with the influence of “love” that a man develops on a woman and based on the strength of it, he will do any sacrifice to retain that love. I know there are indeed men who sacrifice many things (which a man is normally unfavorably privileged to have) for the sake of that love. Perhaps you have not come across such men in life. You may argue that such men are too few in numbers and it could be true.
My Guru Mata Amritanandamayi (who is a woman) says that woman should become strong like men, but not by compromising their inborn nature of motherhood. She says God has given some natural gifts like loving, caring, compassion, sense of loyalty etc to woman and whatever a woman achieves in this world should be without losing these values. A woman’s motherly instinct makes her love her children unconditionally. She does not say to the child “I want love in exchange for love”.
If only a woman extends this unconditional love to the man who gives the gift of motherhood to her, she will be blessed. You may say this is too idealistic and not practical.
I know very well of a woman (now aged 84 and leading an emotionally miserable life, waiting for death to come) who always wanted to be loved, adored, pampered and appreciated first before she could reciprocate it. She was otherwise morally sound, efficient in doing her duties and intelligent. She did her role as a wife and as a mother very well, more as a “duty done with sincerity”, but with the emotional ‘love’ part missing. While all through her life she craved to receive love, what she got was a caring husband who did his ‘duty with sincerity’ to his wife sans love and good children who took/ take care of her strictly as a duty, sans love.
This lady now lives in a dream world imagining that she had all along been a very loving and affectionate wife/ mother but what she got in return was a thankless husband and emotionless children! At her advanced age, no one can make her see reason, and I have never seen her really being happy on anything in her life, as I had observed her over the last half a century.
C.V.Rajan
krishna 9 months ago
Hi Rajan sir, my parents are convincing me to marry a girl who is 7 years younger to me. i like the girl, but marrying a girl with a age gap of 7 years …is it ideal ???… it is making me to feel guilty….. plz help me….what should i do?
Hi Krishna,
What is there to feel guilty about? It was an acceptable age gap 20-30 years ago and the very crux of my article is to promote a larger age gap for a happier married life! I have already mentioned why such a age gap is good in detail in my article and several other QAs. May be the current generation girls want shorter age gap because their main intent is to dominate men. If the proposed girl has no objection to this age gap, then you should not worry.
C.V.Rajan
Krishna 9 months ago
Hi Rajan sir,
Thank you for your advice. yeah the girl has no objection in marrying me… in fact she is convincing me to marry her. taking your suggestion into consideration i feel that i can proceed further and marry her
Thank you very much….
Krishna,
Glad to know. May God bless you with a happy married life for ever.
C.V.Rajan
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Arjun 8 months ago
Namaskar
I am 32 years and my girl friend is 22. So we both are getting marry next year 2016. Sir pls give me suggestion is it good?? And I m getting marry that girl is” my mom brother daughter” I depended on you sir.
I m confused now..
Thank you..
Namaskar Arjun,
I know several couples in MY GENERATION (I am nearing 60) with such an age gap and the family relations are very fine. My wife is younger by 8.5 years to me. My elder brother’s wife is 10 years younger.
But… we belong to the earlier generation, where culture and values were different. Girls’s expectations were different. But I see a sea of change in the attitude of present generation, particularly girls.
The question before you is – Is your GF fully accepting this age difference? Has she clearly understood the advantages and disadvantages of the age difference?
If yes, you may go ahead. That’s my personal opinion.
All the best!
C.V.Rajan
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ramesh 7 months ago
…namaskar sir,
i am 27 years old n i much like one of my relative’s daughter to marry and she is 15 yrs old. both are having interest together. plz give me suggest after marriage done any sexual or other related problems can occured or not. But my mind always thinking about her . plzzz help meee
Ramesh,
15 yrs is not a marriageable age for a girl. It will be against law if you plan to marry her now. At this age she cannot think logically about the repercussions of age gap. When she turns 21 or 22 and get ready for marriage, you will be 33/34. Are you going to wait that long? What is the logic? 12 years is too long a gap in present day standards.
C.V.Rajan
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pooja 7 months ago
Namaskar sir..
M from India and my age is 21 m in love with a guy who is 28 yes old
Sir..I m really scared of lossing him as u say m a modern girl but respects him a lot and love him
But d 7 years age gap can I marry him..???
Please help…
Hi Pooja,
My point of view is very much in favor of 7 years age gap. If you don’t fit into “modern day” girls’ motive of dominating men by leveraging on small age gap, well and good! All the best!
pooja 7 months ago
Thank u so much. Sir m glad to HV a guide lyk uh …thanks a lot 🙂
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Yash 6 months ago
Hello Sir,
I am 37 years male and in a very pure relationship with a 20 years old girl. We know each other since last 2 years. We are just communicating over phones and meeting formally at a very rare occasions (once in 3-4 months). I look very good and handsome and I am very much caring, understanding, honest and polite. She likes my nature and she proposed me six months ago, I accepted her proposal but me always intimating her about the huge age difference. But she says that she does not care. And me too very much loving her. This is our first love so probably very hard to get separated only on the basis of age difference.
We don’t know the negative impacts of such age difference. Adding more here, I did a body age test which comes 26 years old, my parents don’t have any problems e.g. BP, sugar etc. My father is 74 years old still he walks the stairs till 10th floor of my flat, my lifestyle is very simple and I follow proper healthy diet. Her father having high blood sugar. She wanted to marry me. And I also could not refuse marrying her if there wouldn’t be serious problems in our life because of age difference. Please suggest specialist doctor or consultant should we meet to get the advice. Also, considering all the provided details please share your views on this typical case, also share the negative impacts best known to your knowledge. One more thing, I am unmarried person, my marriage got cancelled 4 years back and I decided not to get married, but now I am feeling much eagerness of having someone in life to complete all the phases of life. Now I am managing the time to talk to her on phone for about 4-5 hours per day and feeling very much romantic and changed (actually she brought the changes in me). I am well settled and having a job, she is doing her engineering from college and want to get marry me after two years.
Yash,
When you are in love and romance, it is extremely difficult to think of the negative side of marrying with 17 years long gap. You have a past history and you are longing for a loving relationship. The girl perhaps may not be mature enough to intellectually see the long term negative effects. After two/ three years, when you turn 40 and she 23, she will probably be an independent earning person. her financial freedom, her new company with “office going women” (not the giggling type college girls) may change her outlook. She may get lots of counseling from her well-wishers against marrying with a lot of age gap. She may get confused and disturbed. At that point of time, if a breaking becomes necessary, it may become all the more painful.
Think of this, when you reach 55, you will be a middle aged person where as she, at 38 may still be a good looking woman.
Normally, I have seen that unmarried people suddenly look aged a couple of years after marriage. Greying of hair, balding etc may make the age difference obvious. It requires lots of maturity to digest if someone refers to your wife and says ‘your daughter’.
In my personal case, I looked much older than my age in my late forties and I was very particular not to dye my white hair. Even with just 8.5 years age gap, someone referred my wife as my daughter. Of course we could laugh it off. It may not be easy for all.
Then there are sexual urge related issues too that my come up and disturb at later years.
Unless there is a divine will that you get married, unless there is some connections of soul-mate from previous births, unless both of you are extremely mature and loving enough to kick aside all the negative sides of long age gap, unless both of you are determined to keep your love life fragrant for long (and nature permitting it) , it is a difficult proposition indeed.
As I had mentioned earlier, it might have worked in previous generations. I am not sure for your generation.
May God give you the right guidance. All the best.
Yash 6 months ago
Rajan,
Thanks for your advice. I am also afraid of the concerns you have mentioned when she will become earning and independent lady. And at that time it would be very hard to get seperated from my side. So, it looks like this relationship will survive only if she doesnt change in future, future depends solely on her thoughts, i understand that if she get disturbed then everything will spoil. Thank you for attending my query. Third view is always require in such cases.
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Arun 6 months ago
Hi Sir,
I’m 31.5 year old. I believe the correct age difference between me and my wife would be 3 years. Currently I’m searching bride in the age of 26 to 28. But my relatives are forcing me to be flexible when it comes to age. They are asking me to consider 30 year old brides. I recently heard that for women after 27 years of age, there will be lots of biological changes and it will be difficult to get conceive from 30 years onwards. Also my current ongoing search is not so fruitful. Almost all the proposals are getting rejected. Proposal equal to my age and ages older than me. But I’m not going against nature, I like to stick to my plan of bride’s age range of 26 to 28 or even 29 not more than that. Please let me know your view on this one. What would be the best max age for women to get married. ?
As this alliance seeking enters the intense phase, I’m getting more weird feelings. Feelings like if something happens to me after marriage and who will take care of her. She is going to share her entire life with me and I should be double cautious in taking care of her. Also the fear is mounting up for me. Fear of taking care of her without any issues, keeping her happy and satisfied.
Marriage proposals usually makes people happy. But for me this ongoing marriage seeking process, creates more fear in me, it is more intense that imagination of standing in the marriage hall, facing huge number of relatives creates more fear. Is this normal? Everyone experience this fear? I have cleared all my public exams without any fear but coping this fear is uncontrollable. Please advice.
Hello Arun,
I am in total agreement with your idea of searching for a bride in the age group 26-29. My best wishes to you.
Too much of extrapolation about future life (‘what will happen to her if something happens to me’…) is a way of making the present miserable. God takes care of people. In fact, women are far more confident of facing and managing widowhood than men (in old age). I have seen many widows leading a burden (=husband)-free life comfortably with confidence whereas I have seen many widowers getting shaken on account of the loss of a caring partner.
I felt surprised to see your worry about facing crowd during the marriage function! Actually I see/ believe many people thoroughly enjoying their marriage function because it is just one day in their life they are treated as heroes!
If you talk about the pain of the frozen artificial smile kept on the face, the sweating insides suit and coat and the never ending handshakes with unknown persons which are part and parcel of any marriage reception, I definitely empathize with you. It is a pain indeed. But why should it be scaring?
Yes, some people may make a comedy out of the one-day hero role, but nobody takes you seriously! Don’t worry!
C.V.Rajan
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Karthick 6 months ago
Hi Sir,
I’m 32, vigorously searching for bride. I’m totally against dowry and not demanding anything from bride side. Bride’s expectation is very high.
Almost all the bride are looking whether the groom is owning a house, taking her to foreign visit once in 6 months, getting her all expensive items, gadgets etc.
And they are looking for living independently breaking up from joint family. Most importantly, in general, bride’s are earning more compare to the grooms nowadays.
I have excluded these above mentioned profiles in my search and end up with very few search results and once again horoscope/star matching brings that to nearly to nil.
Since more modern brides are expecting and demanding much, I thought of searching bride from out of the city (say like village/towns). But reality is shocking, they too started expect near equal to what modern ones do. I tried all the possible ways but very difficult to get proposals. I am frustrated and have a feeling that I could have born some 50 years earlier.
I am completely clueless of how to proceed with the search. Please advice.
Thanks
Karthick
Hello Karthik,
I can only console you saying that you are not the only case facing such a predicament. Lots of youngsters who can’t get hooked to a girl by “love” but have to go through the traditional arranged marriage route are facing this problem and I know many such cases. Since the girls’ population is currently lower than male population, this upper-hand of girls has come into existence. It is further fueled by present day girls’ financial independence, wide-spread and blatant materialistic culture, lack of respect to traditional values, lack of parental influence or control etc are definitely contributing to this situation in India.
It looks to me that if one gets a good girl to marry who has some moorings on traditional values and convictions, then one should have accumulated lots of Punya in this birth as well as previous births!
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papu 6 months ago
Dear sir i got engaged to a girl who is 6 years younger to me and i am 30 years and she is 25 years old she is a resident of Mumbai city we registered our marriage before marriage and now girl don’t want to marry me because i came to know about her past just because i did not allow her to go to Hill station with her friends including her Ex boy friend, she is angry and she decided to go for a divorce now, i being a man tried to sort out he matter and requested her to compromise the matter she is not ready now she is asking for a divorce. how fare it is now i feel i must leave her if i still continue this relationship she might damage my life she says me 6 month u will feel bad later everything will be good. dont know what to do
Hello Papu,
I have really no answer. I could only guess that both the families perhaps were not in picture. It is nothing to do with age gap, but about value systems, convictions, trust, respect for marriage, cultural moorings or lack of it, personal relationship issues between man and woman that outsider cannot know in full….
C.V.Rajan
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American 5 months ago
Hello Mr. Rajan,
I am a 28 year old male living in the US. I agree with your assessment of the age gap relationship, and that it is conducive for the man to marry a younger women 4-8 years younger if possible. However, if I were to pursue a women 7 years younger than me that would make her 21. Would you say that even though a 7 year age gap is healthy, I should wait until she is 22-24 to allow her to enter similar life stages?
Hello American,
If only it is feasible (considering the girl’s career aspirations etc) I would say 21 is the best age for a girl to get married. How far the present day girls will agree with it is a different question!
American 5 months ago
I mean, I agree with you. It is very evident that we are getting married at an older age due to social conditioning and priorities. Do you find this disheartening? Or do you just see it as a fluctuating trend?
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RY 5 months ago
Sir plz help me! At such a little age I’ve been through very bad times. I m 15 yr old and I m in love with one of my teacher who is 19 yrs older than me. I’m really very sad over this situation. I can’t tell it to anyone due to this much age difference. My friends just take it as joke and think that I just have crush on him. But I really do love him. I don’t know what is really going on. He don’t even know anything. I m very afraid to tell anything to him because I’m afraid that he will feel very embarrassing, will avoid me as long as possible , what will be his reaction? , he will have one type of rescnt from me. He is the best person I’ve ever seen.I really want help and suggestion because I can’t take help from anybody else.. Please sir help me 🙁 :'( .
RY,
Your friends are right. At 15, what you get is crush. It is not love. I don’t know from which country you are. In India, teachers are to be respected as fathers.
C.V.Rajan
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Hemang Amin 4 months ago
i m 30 she is 19 age diff is 11 year so this age diff is good or not good plzz. ans.
me fast
4 months ago
hello Rajan sir
perfact age gap is 10years 9 month and 5 day so good or not good ?
Hemang,
10+ age gap was okay in previous generations but I doubt it for the present generation. You can see some of my replies to similar questions where I have explained in detail.
C.V.Rajan
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Karthi 4 years ago
Hi Sir,
I’m 32 years old. I’m in highly stressed state and heavy mental battle is going on within me. I have been in search for bride for the past 5 years and
all the attempts ends in failure. I’m totally frustrated and almost in the edge of giving up. This entire process and this prolonged search is testing the patience.
I was calm and composed during the begining of the search and now my patience is started eroding. It is testing the patience in a such a way that I thought of losing my virginity.
And I have started to ask my friends for the way to lose the same. But my friends told me that my future wife’s prayer was good and powerful that it keeps me from losing virginity and remain pure.
My thinking is that I want to be pure to my future wife by being virgin. More over in God’s creation, one male will have one female as partner and the same for female. This part only difference us from animals.
I dont like to go against God’s desire. But at the same time, it is creating very high mental pressure. It is really really testing my patience by pushing to the extreme limits. It’s like I’m in the edge of the line, and few little push will land me of losing the virginity.
Almost everyone expect the bride to be pure and she will also expecting the same. Very big tug of war is happening in my mind. Please advice and any strong and effective method to overcome the same.
Hi Karthi,
It is your right sense of dharma that has been keeping you on hold from going astray. Brahmacharya is one of the foremost qualities needed for an unmarried person to keep high moral standards in life and that will protect him from evils in some way or other in life. That’s why brahmacharyam is a basic need for spiritual seekers.
In the present day of cultural degradation in India, it is really appreciable that you want to hold on to your principle. It is indeed very difficult, considering that boys who cannot hook to a girl through love affair, find it too uphill a task to get the right match, while right marriageable age slips year by year and one gets frustrated.
I can only give you some hint based on what Ramakrishna Paramahamsa told to one of his devotees: “Let some ounces of semen flow out alright, but let no physical relation take place with any woman”.
All the best for you to get a right match for you by divine grace.
C.V.Rajan
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[email protected] 4 months ago
Sir i am now 24 years old and my gf is 17. To be settle down in life i require 2 years more.. and she will become 19 but she wants to complete her graduation and i cant wait.. I want to get married at the age of 26-27 but she wants to extent it to her 23 means my 29-30… please suggest me what should i do?
Hi Vijay,
I would personally consider 26-27 aged male and 19/20 year old girl getting married is quite nice. But present day girls want to complete education and have a secured job and naturally, their age of marriage goes upto 23/24 +. We can’t say it is wrong. Consequently your age goes up to 29-30 and your concern is also genuine!
Aside from this, there is yet another problem. Remaining as boyfriend and girlfriend for 5-6 years and then getting married has its own risks and complications. As both of you grow and mature, your expectations, judgment etc change; acceptance of other’s idiosyncrasies etc becomes difficult. Even the love affair may lose its charm; both sides may turn more calculative and selfish.
That’s why in the older generations they would say, when it comes to settling marriages, “Subhasya Seegrah” — “Do the good act quickly”.
Complicated indeed!
C.V.Rajan
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Vijay Rajak 3 months ago
Sir i have gone though this discussion first time and i really happy that someone is guide us right path..
Sir, I need ur help.
I am 24 yrs and a girl proposed me she is only 14 yrs. I still not able to take decision and totally confused wherether I should except or to reject her.
I said her that i like her but i need time.
I found that she mentally matured rather than the age group of 15yrs boys.
Plesae reply this and help me sir.
Sir there is some o Hub page because m unble to sign up
Hi Vijay Rajak,
A 14 year girl proposing to you may be very ego boosting, but it is in no way more than infatuation. What does a 14 year know about all the complexities of married life other than falling in love? Assuming you agree and then get married when she turns 22, there are 8 long years of wait! Who knows how tastes, likes, dislikes would change as she matures and understands world better?
C.V.Rajan
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Lakshya (3 months ago)
Hi Sir,
I went through your article and it was really helpful for the current dilemma i had in my mind.But still,i just want your piece of advice.Please help me out
My parents are seeking alliance for me and obviously as all parents wish they need to seek a good groom with good qualification,education and family as those are the things which we get to know in arranged marriage.I do agree with your point that love,understanding and care is what going to bind us for ages to come apart from all materialistic things.
Few days back my parents showed a very good profile .I was really satisfied with all but I came to know that the groom’s age was 7.5 years elder to me(I’m 25 now).I was a bit confused and started to think if there would be compatibility between us coz of age gap.I know its weird,but as I see my friends and people around me telling 3-5 years gap is preferable. I know its one’s own personal acceptance of the better half but still I’ve not met the guy in person I wonder if there would be a good compatibility between us.Please advice me on the same
Hi Lakshya,
You are already 25. If you keep waiting for the right match (3-5 yrs age gap as per present day preferences) you may get older in the wait- who knows? In previous generation, 7.5 years gap was quite fine. I feel you can meet him, get a first hand feel and take a positive decision if all other things work out fine for you. All the best.
C.V.Rajan
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Kumar 3 months ago
Hi Sir,
I’m Kumar, age 32. I started searching for bride, 5 years ago and still the search is going on. My star is Aslesha. Rejection rate is 100%. Bride’s parents fear that Aslesha star will harm their life and everyone is rejecting me. Even if we are seeking bride with either father or mother expired, their side is not at all ready to consider and not willing to take risk. Also it is very very difficult to get a proposal, with no father or mother. It seems I may not get married at all. Please advice.
Kumar,
My exposure on horoscope matching is limited. But, I believe Chevvai dosham (Faulty Mars) caused by your star Aslesha can be offset with girls having Sevvai dosham in their horoscopes. That’s how one of my sister got married. So, don’t lose hope.
C.V.Rajan
This website has been conceived and being developed by C.V.Rajan. He is a retired Engineer and an ex-design consultant, now living with his wife in Ashram at Amritapuri, Kerala, spending his retired life in quest of spirituality under the holy feet of Amma, Satguru Mata Amritanandamayi.