Narmada Parikrama – Book Review: Walking With the Immortals

Do you know which is the longest river in India that flows from east to west? Do you know which river is considered holier than Ganga? Have you ever heard that Ganga Mata (The deity of the holy river Ganga) visits this river to take a bath once a year to get rid of all the sins that she has accumulated from those who bathe in her?

It is the river Narmada, that originates in Amarkantak (in Madhya Pradesh), flows westwards through 3 states (Madhyapradesh, Maharashtra and Gujarat) and ends in Arabian sea, covering a running distance of 1312 kilometres.

A Tamilian undertakes Narmada Parikrama

It may be quite a surprising piece of information for most of Indians (except for the people who are blessed to live in the nearby areas of the banks of Narmada) that there is a very age old spiritual custom practiced across countless generations — of circumambulating this holy river by walk (known as Narmada Parikrama). Many people living in the banks of Narmada do it matter-of-factly and many nurture a desire to do the parikrama at least once in their life time.

How about a Tamilian from Chennai, a retired Military officer (Captain) cum social worker, undertaking this massive journey (which is traditionally done over a period of 3 years, 3 months and 13 days) bare-footed, without carrying money, eating food through alms and completing it successfully just in 131 days covering a total distance of 2528 Kilometres by walk?

That’s the thrilling experience offered to you by Captain K K Venkatraman (ex- coordinator, Vivekananda Kendra, Arunachal Pradesh) through his book Walking with the Immortals.

An interesting element of this book is that it has been very recently published in English after a passage of 27 years when Captain Venkatraman actually undertook the parikrama (in 1987-1988)!

The Origin of holy river Narmada at Amarkantak. The Parikrama begins here

The English and Tamil Versions

Actually, Captain Venkatraman’s parikrama experiences were originally serialized in Tamil (translated from his English version) in the Spiritual Magazine Ramakrishna Vijayam (published by Sri Ramakrishna Math, Chennai) during the year 2007 and it was subsequently published in book form in Tamil by RK Math in 2013.

This original English publication (First print: Feb 2015) contains more elaborate details of his journey, route maps, copies of letters he received from his well wishers etc. This publication from Vivekananda Trust, Wakro, Arunachal Pradesh is a sort of “thanks giving” gift by the alumni of Vivekananda Kendra Vidyalayas of Arunachal Pradesh, to their beloved “Captainji” for all that he did as a teacher and guide for their welfare decades ago.

The book and the writer – The photo of Captain Venkatraman taken just as he completed the parikrama (1988).

Thrilling experiences

As one reads this book, one is bound to get hooked to it for several reasons; the prime among them is the unfolding of the divine grace that comes in abundance for the welfare of a person who sacrifices all the worldly comforts, takes up the dharma of a sanyasi (renunciate) and goes about walking around the banks of the river with total faith and surrender to Mother Narmada.

Next comes the various emotional experiences of the traveler (love and affection of the village people, their respect and the care on the parikramavasis, their generosity in offering food and their reverence in Mother Narmada despite poverty and so on). You will also find the traveler’s interesting encounters with robbers, a fake Sadhu, adhivasis and a host of interesting people from the richest to the poorest.

Another striking aspect that one cannot miss while reading this book is the sheer meticulousness of Captain Venkatraman, coupled with self discipline and determination so reflective of his military training; these qualities are in addition to his innate humility, simplicity, friendliness and thankfulness that you cannot miss grasping while reading the book.

His thorough planning and consultations before undertaking the journey, his ingenious ways of maintaining postal communication with his near and dear ones as well as with people on the route of parikrama (remember: those were the days of no cell phone), his systematic diary writing (to record the places he visited and the names of persons he met) has helped him to trigger and recollect all the happenings in his long journey and reproduce them afresh from his memory as if they were happenings of yesterday) etc are so striking that they can become valuable lessons for the readers to admire and imbibe.

Why is this title “Walking with Immortals”?

There is a firm belief that all the Chiranjivis (immortals as per Hindu puranas) viz. Parasurama, Hanuman, Vibhishana, Ashwathama, Mahabali, Kripacharya and Vyasa are continuously doing the Narmada Parikrama and protecting the Parikramavasis. (Hence the title of the book — “Walking with the Immortals”)

About his experiences, Venkatraman concludes: “It is really a great joy to me, even today, after the lapse of more than 25 years, to share my parikrama experiences, as it provides me an opportunity to relive the most useful and joyous moments I have ever had till now”.

When we finish reading this book, we too are bound to share the joy of Captainji’s labor of love.

Details about the book:

  • Book Title: Walking with the Immortals – The Narmada Parikrama
  • Author: (Captain) K K Venkatraman
  • Published by: Vivekananda Trust, Wakro (792 104) Arunachal Pradesh
  • No. of pages: 160 (3rd edition)
  • Price: Rs. 150.-
  • For copies, contact:
    Author: kkv198788@gmail.com (Mobile: 094455 61454) (Chennai, India).

Monogamy – Is it nature or nurtured?

It really appears that God has created men with some undue advantages and privileges over women. Perhaps on account of this advantageous position, the basic mental and physical tendency of a man is polygamous; on the other hand, due to the physical and mental nature of women, they tend to be more monogamous. Thus there lies a natural phenomenon that leads one to subscribe that monogamy in a woman is her “nature” and in a man it develops by “nurturing”.

Motherhood and monogamy in woman

God seems to have created every woman with the intention of making her life wholesome essentially through her motherhood. This mother instinct is deeply etched in every female species, including the animal kingdom. Amidst human beings, even the life of a nymphomaniac undergoes a metamorphosis, both physiologically and emotionally, once she gives birth to a baby. The inexplicable bondage of love a woman develops with her baby and the desire to protect and nurture the child calls for an emotional attachment towards the man who was the cause of the arrival of the child.

Through her love and care a woman nurtures monogamous commitment in man.

Through her love and care a woman nurtures monogamous commitment in man.

In a woman, God seems to have made this emotional bondage with her man and her sense of loyalty associated with it very strong indeed. Added to this natural phenomenon, there exist the moral and ethical standards imposed by the society on women. The society as a whole imposes (or expects) the morality of monogamy in a woman and it cannot simply be brushed aside accusing that it is males’ scheme of things to subjugate women this way. No woman possessing basic moral values ever respects a woman who practices polygamy. It is not again because of traditional moral conditioning, but because, deep within her psyche every woman seems to feel comfortable and peaceful with having just one man as the father of her children.

It is true that in the present day scheme of things where marital discords and divorces have become too common, a woman may bear the children of more than one father one marriage after another (what is now called serial monogamy) , but definitely the society would not easily accept a woman having more than one sexual partner simultaneously.

There is nothing like natural fatherly instinct!

There is nothing like natural fatherly instinct!

Thus along with motherhood, God appears to have given a woman a far deeper sense of responsibility towards her children and the need to ensure their respectability in the society; that respectability can be ensured by her only by declaring boldly, without any sense of guilt, who their singular father is.

A woman’s psyche, by nature, is haunted by a high degree of guilt and consequent emotional turmoil, if she were to become polygamous by her adventurism, omissions or commissions.

A man can sow seeds everywhere

Contrary to all the above, think of a man’s physical and emotional constitution. Man’s life is NOT built physically and mentally around fatherhood. When a woman produces just one egg in her womb per month that has the potential to become a child, a man produces billions and billions of sperms at every ejaculation which he is capable of releasing every day. A man, like a tree or a plant produces far in excess of seeds than that can create a new life. Why is it so? It leads us to believe that it is purely God’s scheme of things that it be so.

This excess and natural production of seeds tempt a man to sow them at wider and and newer fields and he is not haunted by any emotional sense of guilt as strongly as women are. That’s why there is lot of scope to conclude that God has not created men to be monogamous strictly;He has given him the freedom to play as he likes and face the physical and emotional consequences of practicing such an unbridled freedom, or to restrain himself by accepting moral and spiritual responsibility towards a single woman.

Enforcing monogamy through womanly love and care

God has also given, in a very poetic way, some strong capabilities to woman to keep her man bonded and hooked to her without going astray. Yes. It is the power of woman’s overpowering love, possessiveness and the physical bondage she weaves around a man. It is this beautiful characteristic of woman that attracts and binds a man to one woman. A woman’s way of showing love to her man, the way she goes about satisfying his needs and nurturing him, the way she displays extraordinary motherly characteristics to their children and the extent of sacrifice a women does to do her divinely role of playing the unselfish motherhood — all these create an awe in a man on his wife.

Loving, nurturing, caring, accepting man’s dominance, accepting a man’s many idiosyncrasies and still tolerating and supporting him — all these things are done by women just as a barter deal to ensure men of predominantly polygamous tendencies to remain monogamous. Thus a woman plays her role naturally to nurture monogamous tendencies in a man.

An essentially polygamous man can be tamed and turned monogamous only through the unique strengths, well founded on femininity, as endowed to a woman by God. When women forget to grasp this simple fact, they end up fighting for equality and entangle themselves into more and more emotional turmoil.

If a man, despite his natural and inborn tendency, opts to live monogamous, he is definitely elevating himself spiritually. By nurturing this quality, he may lose some thrills and fun in life, but he gains love, physical well being, mental peace and tranquility in the bargain. On the contrary, if a woman tends to become polygamous, she is going against her basic monogamous nature and thus tend to acquire lowly animal qualities. As women are more of emotional creatures than men, a fallen woman suffers a lot more emotionally than a fallen man.

Such of those women who want equality with men in all respects — women who want to shun their traditional role and monogamous nature and compete with men in all spheres including the domain of loosened moralities, are woefully ignorant of this elementary fact, and the price they pay for it in their physical and mental plane is really too stiff.

The suffering of a family or a society is much more when a woman goes astray, than when a man goes astray. This is not an area where woman should try for equality with men. If they do, not only do they bring themselves to ruin, but also cause a severe damage to the balance of the society at large.

Monogamy & Polygamy – Potent Lessons from Indian Mythology

Lord Rama, the most adored male Monogamist

Sita Rama — the monogamous and ideal husband.

In the grand Hindu Epic Ramayana, the King Rama practiced monogamy as a matter of great virtue, despite the fact that it was quite a common norm those days that Kings had multiple wives. Rama’s father Dasaratha had three queens and other 60 concubines in his palace and Lord Rama never took it as an example to follow for his personal life. With such a great virtue, Rama is being adored as the ideal husband, despite the fact that he got himself separated from his dear wife Sita and sent her to forest in order to uphold his adherence to dharma as a ruler.

Draupati, the much condemned woman polygamist

On the contrary, in the other grand Hindu epic Mahabharata, the 5 pandavas, who were considered sticklers to dharma, got infatuated by the overpowering beauty of Draupati; they opted to marry her as a common wife of all the five, despite the fact that it was only Arjuna who won her by his archery skills at the swayamvara of Draupati. There are explanations and justifications given in this mythology for this deviant act, but the fact remains that Draupati accepted this proposition without protest; it was quite a blasphemous act, even considering the fact that the morality of the ruling class was at its lowest ebb during Mahabharata period.

Only Lord Krishna could come to the rescue of polygamist Draupati.

A scene from Mahabharata – Draupati being disrobed by Duschatana in front of her 5 husbands. Only Lord Krishna could come to the rescue of polygamist Draupati.

This act against the social norm practiced by Draupati and Pandavas can be taken as one of the covert causes of the many hardships faced by the Pandavas in their lives. The total lack of empathy towards their cause by the Kauravas and the utter disrespect meted out to them by kauravas becomes very obvious when Pandavas lost everything to Kauravas while playing the dice game. Draupati was singled out and utterly humiliated by Karna as he was openly laughing at Draupati, calling her a whore that married 5 men and she could very well come and sit on his lap too.

It should be noted that though Pandavas won the war, none of their their children given birth by Draupati was alive to rule the kingdom later.

 

 

What is the ideal age gap between man and woman for marriage? – Real life Q&A – Counseling – Part 3

This is part 3 of questions from readers and answers given by me related to my article on What is the ideal gap between husband and wife for marriage.

IF you are curious, you can read Part:2 of the Q&A on this subject and then come back to read further here.

SUDESH YADAV 3 years ago

I am 36 year old divorcee and my future wife is 22 years old. what is your opinion about this marriage?

Hi Sudesh Yadav,

It looks you may be walking on a razer’s edge!

C.V.Rajan

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Faith 3 years ago

Hi.C.V if I may where did you acquire your enomourse knowledge? on this most important subject?

Faith,

It is faith! (Plus observing life, reading, contemplating, spiritual yearnings….)

C.V.Rajan

Rajesh 3 years ago

Hi,I am just 22yr old boy and my girl friend is 32yrs .We are really committed to each other but the age factor .There arise no question about support.She loves me a lot and I love her as well and dont know how things would work out looking ahead for a solution.She looks young as a 24yr old an me as well 25yrs.

Looking out for a good suggestion as it is I can’t leave her now neither can she.But to take things ahead..

Rajesh,

You are 22 years old “Boy” only now. When you become a “man” mature enough to face a married life, you will be 26. At that age, she will be 36. Safe child bearing age for a woman is 35 max, though there may be cases here and there woman giving birth at ages older than 35.

The speed with which women start growing (side wise!) as well as looking older will be rapid as woman gets older. Suddenly, after marriage and giving birth, the old looks would have every chance to get exposed. It means, at your 29th age, when you still look young, your wife (will look like a middle aged lady of 39, possibly looking like a 42 year old too, who knows!)

I am not an emotional or sentimental guy. I would only take “deeply in love with each other” (a 32 yr old lady talking like a teen age girl about love) dialogs with a pinch of salt. Sorry if I am blunt. I don’t really understand what goes behind practically in these sort of love affairs.

C.V.Rajan

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Jhanavi 3 years ago

Hi Sir,

I am 23 yr old and my guy is 36 yr old. Is it good to get married? we are in love with each other from past 6 yrs. We have good understanding between each other. But my fear is of age difference.

Please advice me

Hi Jhanavi,

13 years is quite a wide age gap. The consequences are already discussed in the article and in several replies in the above responses. YOu may paerticularly read my reply to Gloria, which will be apt for you too.

C.V

Jhanavi 3 years ago

Thank you C.V

I read that response. But i am scared, i may not live without him.

We are in relation from past 6 years. We know each other pretty well. I don’t think i can stay away from him. More over, love is also a commitment and a promise. I have promised him that i shall be with him in worst or best situation. Now i cant think about breaking that promise.

I also got proposal’s from other guys for marriage. They are younger than my guy they are in good position. But i rejected i could not even think about some one else in my guy’s place.

I am in confusion. If i think about my future then i should better leave him, but at the end of the day i am answerable to my heart. I feel guilt that i spoiled one person’s life. He would have got a better life if i had rejected him long back but i didn’t do it at that time. Now if i leave him how will he stay? he loves me so much. I even get scared thinking about that. I am emotionally so dependent on him. Leaving without him is like impossible to me. Also, my parents would ask me to marry other guy. How can i do that? In my heart i have one person and how can i become someone else’s wife?

On the other hand if i accept to continue my life with him, i am scared of those situations that you mentioned in Gloria’s response.

Now should i support my heart and the truth that i cant leave him or should i spoil his life and walk away from him? By doing this neither he will have a happy life and nor me i feel.

He already has one love failure, i don’t think he will live if i leave him.

Now i don’t know what to do..

Should i sacrifise my life to keep him happy and also to keep up my promise and to make sure that i didn’t spoil ones life. Or thinking practically, should i leave him; hurt him and hurt myself and against my heart should i accept someone else?

I really don’t know. 

Jhanvi

Hi Jhanavi,

“Love is a commitment and a promise” – beautifully said. As long as your conscience is pricking you on any possible alternative like leaving him, then it is always best to go by the voice of the conscience. It means, you are committing yourself to a bold decision leaving aside all the real and imagined consequences and such a decision should give you necessary moral strength face any situation, come what may.

I do believe such a stand will be spiritually right.

I have given the following reply to one Pallavi and it looks it is apt for you too:

“Because, marriage is a moral commitment. In true love (whether before marriage or after marriage) there is and there should always be an element of sacrifice. If excessive selfishness exists in a relationship, there is really no love.

In addition to it, I believe there is another element existing in a love affair and it is trust. If one person is trustworthy and another is not trustworthy, then again it is not love. It means someone wants to have an escape route if things don’t happen the way one wants.

In living together, people keep this escape route option open.

But, in a marriage, one is expected to give more than one receives and have a willingness to adjust with the shortcomings of other, putting selfishness a little behind. That’s why marriage is respected. Marriage has an element of spiritual quality behind it.

Head may say, be selfish; be calculative. Heart may say, accept; be committed; stand on your hopes and promises; value your feelings; value the other person’s feelings; don’t extrapolate too much.

Again, the question of conscience. I have seen people who just don’t listen to the voice of their conscience. I have also seen people who value so much about their conscience.

As a third person, I cannot say “you do this”. I would perhaps only say this: If you have faith in God, pray to God earnestly to give you guidance. Take a pilgrimage. Do some Vratha (skipping food for a night and praying). Go to a living Mahatma and seek his/ her guidance.

The decision you take should finally elevate you spiritually tomorrow and leave you with a better mental peace and stability.

May God’s guidance reach you.”

C.V.Rajan

Jhanavi 3 years ago

Yes C.V i read that too..

But C.V i don’t think i alone am sacrificing.

He also would have sacrificed many of his desires to just keep me happy rite.

So is there any decision that i can take where he will be happy and me too..

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Madushan 3 years ago

dear sir, I love a girl from my heart. I don’t matter her age. the true is she elder than me from 2 years. I know she likes me too. but she not accept my proposal becouse she is in guilt about this. I can’t explain this anymore to her. but I want she. can u say something about this. if u do, I can show it to her. I believe ang does not matter for true love. plz help me sir. thank u so much

Hi Madushan,

I too want to believe that age does not matter provided love is “true”. Whether this true love comes with lifelong, non-transferable warranty is the only question!

C.V.Rajan

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prashant 3 years ago

I am 34 years guy, have married with a girl in last two years of 8 years older than me, it was an arrange marriage in my parent wish, i could not aware about my wife age before as i am staying far away from my home. the problems is now, i could not adjust to myself to living with such a older women and also could not able to concertate to myself for spending with her a happy life, i am so frausted and distress to myself in my life, i have read a story like sameer have posted here is totally same like me, i also read your advice , which you have given to sammer questions in this forum, but i would like to know from you a better comments in this regard.

Priya 3 years ago

Hello Sir,

I got married this june & right now living with my husband.ours is arranged marrige.we talked to each other for 7 months before getting married. about 3 months before our marrige, i got a mail from some unknown person warning me to not marry him coz he actually loves someone else & his parents are forcing him to marry somebody from this caste,thats why he is ready to marry me & actually he is very unhappy.

I discussed this matter with him, but he assured me that everything was fake & i also believed him. But after my marriage i realized that, actually he is hiding something from me…He secretly talk with a girl. At first i thought that i m thinking all these becoz of that mail, but a couple of weeks ago, while going through his mail, i come to know that whatever the unknown person had mailed me before marrige was right…He married me becoz his parents forced him to do so…& he is still in contact with his girlfriend & at time they meet also.

I would also like to tell you, that he had never misbehaved with me, rather takes good care & tries to fulfill my wishes.

I am unable to understand whats going on his mind. He has no idea that i know everything about him & his girlfriend.

I am feeling very restless & dont know what to do, whether to tell him about all this or not, whether to involve my parents in this or solve it alone. Plz sir, help me.

Hi Priya,

It is painful to read your story.

In the present day circumstances where boys and girls have lots of opportunity to mingle right from school level and the culture has evolved in such a way that having a boy-friend/ girl friend is a must for your ‘youth-status’, many boys and girls get into trouble like this. Our Indian culture is such that after marriage, the previous relationship is weaned out for the sake of the moral commitment of marriage. But if that’s not happening, then it a real cause for pain.

Do you believe in God? Do your husband believe in God? If you have good faith, please make a soulful prayer to your favorite God to solve your problems amicably. Undertake some vows (keeping upavasa for a day in a week, regularly visiting temple, chanting divine names etc) and soulfully pray for inner guidance to tackle the problem amicably.

If you have faith in any living Mahatma/ Guru, meet him/ her and convey your problem to him/ her and seek guidance.

You can set a time frame (say, like 1 month) for such austerities so as to gain your mental balance and also to receive any divine guidance(like an inner resolve that sounds practical to you) that you may get. After this period if some positive changes are occurring on their own, take it as a divine dispensation.

If your husband has faith in God and if he has a favorite deity, take him to that temple and in that place, have a frank talk with him explaining all you know and all you believe. Get a commitment from him that whatever be the happening in the past, he should make sure to severe all his previous ties with the girl and get himself committed to the sanctity of your marriage. Let him make that vow to you, preferably in the temple premises. (Don’t force him; if he confesses his mistakes and seeks some more time to settle the matter, you may perhaps give him some more time).

If nothing of this sort to settle the matter with a generosity of ‘forgive and forget’ happens, you can think of taking up the matter with your parents.

This is just my personal opinion. It is up to you to decide whether to accept my suggestions or otherwise.

May God’s grace be with you to resolve your problems.

Namah Shivaya

C.V.Rajan

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Nilesh kadam 3 years ago

I am 30 years old n i am going to arenge marge but shi is 19.7 month old it is ok plese HALP…….

Marina 3 years ago

I am 24 year old and my boyfriend is 5 month younger than me..we are in so love and want to get married to spend our rest of lives together..is the age gap perfect for us?

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Anonimous 3 years ago

Hi everyone,

With all the respect I have for the writer of this article, I should say that he has made a prison out of bias for himself and is trying to get others into it as well. He is one of those people who promote stigma and slow down the humanity’s path towards freedom.

First of all, to prove something right or wrong, we need to consider all the aspects of a situation. The author’s main (and only) reason for proving his point is that girls mature physically and mentally faster than boys. The physical part may be true in some cases, but not always. Plus, physical maturity is completely irrelevant to one’s mental and emotional maturity.

Children hit puberty at different ages and there is no rule for that. My brother’s voice started to change at age 12, while my 15 year-old cousin was still awaiting her first period and got it a year later. Moreover, the argument of puberty thing is only considerable when children are still growing up.

In other words, even if girls hit puberty at somewhat younger ages than boys, it only becomes relevant when we are talking about children in state of development, and not adults. Once people reach adulthood, their current state of body and mind becomes irrelevant to the ups and downs of their development during childhood. Who cares whether a 30 year old man had hit puberty at age 12 or 17? The fact that he had his first wet dream at age 12 does not make him any wiser than his other male counterpart who had it at age 16!

Plus, the author thinks of men as a bunch of idiots who don’t know what they want to do in their lives. I have seen men who in their mid 20(s) are well established and ready to start a family, as well as girls who at around age 35 are very dependent to their parents, still bouncing around confused about what they are going to do with their lives. Maturity has nothing to do with chronological age. It’s only about whether you are a type of person who learns from life experiences or not.

I know a woman who is 50 years old and whenever she does not consult with her 30 year old son, she ends up screwing things up. Now, you tell me who is the mature one here?!

Moreover, the author has forgotten to mention that women generally tend to live longer (almost 7-10 years) than men. Poor widows who will have to spend many years of their lives alone.

To wrap up, age is not the only factor in a relationship and giving too much importance to it is very naive, as one’s personality is much more important than the numbers on their birth certificate.

They say that age is just a number. However, I think that it is just a number only when the age gap is not too big. I personally would like to see physical compatibility in terms of attractiveness between couples. And, as long as the age difference is small, it does not matter whether the guy is older or younger. I personally like a very small gap of 0-3 years; however, restricting myself to such a small range is ridiculous. I remain open to larger gaps as long as the compatibility is not compromised. BECAUSE I WANNA BE A FREE HUMAN!!! And… Who am I to judge others?!

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Neha 2 years ago

Dear Sir,

I am 29 years old, will turn 30 coming Feb. I recently met a man through an arranged system and was told that he is 33-34 years old by the people who arranged the meeting. He had no idea of my age. He is 44 and looks fairly young about 34-35 which is why initially i could not gauge his age. He went through my bio and was shocked to see the age difference and has asked me to carefully consider the age gap before i take any decision. I have found him to be extremely poised, mature, good to talk to (we have had two meetings and may meet again soon) and especially since we have interests in the same field – media, it seems like it could work out. But the age gap is huge and that has both of us kind of confused. Like you have said in earlier posts, that too much age gap may not be a good thing. So I just need some of your expert advice on whether i should take this further.

Hello Neha,

14 years is rather too large a gap indeed. Post marriage, when one’s true colors and opinions will become open, what would be the effect of ‘generation gap’ is difficult to predict. You have 5 more years of safe child bearing age and at your 35, he would be 51. If he retires at 63, at that age, your son or daughter would be around 14-18 years old. his/ her future would be yet to start. Think about giving higher education to him/ her, marrying off etc.

Speaking primarily through the head only, it looks to be a difficult proposition. What if your heart feels otherwise? Seek counsel from a Mahatma/ Guru on whose words you will have full trust.

All the best.

Neha 2 years ago

Hi CV,

Thanks for the response.

I’d like u to put aside the financial bit as both of us are working and hence those issues wudn’t crop up, hopefully.

What I wud wanna know is, what other disparities can crop up? Also, with this kind of age gap at our given ages, does it become difficult to conceive? I have seen extremely healthy relationships with such wide gaps in my immediate family – that of my grand dad and grand mom & that of my paternal uncle and aunt. But these relationships essentially started at much younger ages compared to ours and hence my grandmom had 5 kids and chachi has 3. I am not interested in too many but at least 1, now since im looking to get married at around 30. My elder cousin got married at 32 and conceived immediately thereafter and had her daughter before her first anniversary! But there, I’d like to point out that her hubby is the same age as her and hence i guess no problem in conceiving.

Commitment & finances are not the major issues in my case. But having a child is. Coz in the famous celeb case of Dilip Kumar & Saira Bano where he was 44 and she was 22, they were never able to conceive. So, please enlighten me more on this.

Thanks!

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elvis from nigeria 2 years ago

age difference in marriage does not realy matter as long as couples stop thinking abt what others think abt their relationship. forget wat pple think and look inward, do u realy love and respect each other? That’s it.

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Malini 2 years ago

Hi Sir,

I have read about your article today as I have some confusion in my mind. It will be great if there can be a solution from your end. I am 30 and shall be turning 31 next year April. I have received an arranged marriage proposal for a biy who is of 28 years age. I have personally met the guy also. My height is 5’6 and the guy is a little shorter to me say 5’3. My family i.e my mom and brother have no objection in both the factors as for height and age as they consider that if the boy is good and family is good everything is fine. But I am not mentally prepared for both the scenarios. For me the basic question remaining is why is the guy getting married to me who is older than him and why is he agreeing to every thing that we (my family) is saying like currently I work so if after marriage I wish to pursue a different job in that place they say if required shall be seen also I wear specs and that has been cleared from my end in detail to the boy also. At first he had a little confusion then said to wear it so that he can look at me carefully. All these factors are creating confusion bith in my mind and heart. For my family my mom is alone as my father has expired is soley responsible for us. So seeing her point also I am nit sure what to do. At this age there are not much marriage proposals coming in due to also the financial condition which is not bad also not good. So I am in thoughts that if I reject this match will I be able to get a suitable match in future. I have also asked the boy if he has any issues in marrying a girl older to him and he did not answer anything just smiled. Please help me in suggesting a proper way out.

Hi Malini,

I too am not feeling comfortable about the match and I too feel disturbed about the various aspects, as I read your response. But as you have mentioned about your other problems (mother being alone, no father, financial situation, you age etc) there are these things that force you to reconsider any firm no as an answer.

You also please read some of my responses to various questions. You may get some more light to get your thoughts more focused.

You are in a tight situation indeed. In such circumstances, only a higher force (God or a saint) can give us some direction. Perhaps you can delay taking a decision and fervently and earnestly pray God for guidance. I am sure a heartfelt prayer can get you some solution.

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

Malini 2 years ago

Hi Sir,

Thanks for your revert.

The decision time here is what I cannot delay as in our community the answers need to be given soon. I have shared my views with my mother and brother about the marriage and my confusion. They are also in a state of confusion as they do not want to force me for this match at the same time they are afraid of the futire consequences. Until and unless I am mentally prepared I am unable to say a yes. In the boy’s family his aunt has arranged for her son a daughter in law who is older to her younger son that was as her younger son had some issues in relation to concentration and some times he had certain attacks (attack is a harsh word). My mom and brother are always with me hence I do not want to break their expectations. Frankly before writing to you also Sir I have been praying to God to guide me with the right way. But unable to find an answer.

Please help.

Hi Malini,

Why don’t you have a frank talk with the boy himself? You can perhaps say “I am not able to make up my mind; I need some more time to brood over and take a firm decision whether to go forward or not; if it is God’s will that we should get married, it will happen, but I need some time to be mentally prepared for this relationship (i.e. marrying a younger and shorter person) or otherwise. Perhaps you too can keep your options open; you too may get a better alternative or we may get married if God’s will is only that way. But I need time”

Then continue with your prayers; undertake some religious vows; visit a holy place. Then wait for divine dispensation.

C.V.Rajan

Malini 2 years ago

Sir,

I tried to confront him face to face where he stays as my mom and brother had visited his place to see the enire scenario. But as I had mentioned earlier the boy remains quiet and silent. Sir you are aware that in an arrnaged marriage there are still certain conservative ways followed. Not every family is open minded. Hence the siyuation is tough. My heart is saying that I may get someone better but my mind is giving a different state. Sir I am telling you one more thing which I had not mentioned earlier. I liked someone who is of a different caste and my family came to know this 2 years ago and at that time as my mom and brother had objections in it I took it as a no and had intimated the guy also that there is no future. I am not regretting my decision I just want my mom and brother to be happy. I just think that I deserve a good person and I am still waiting for the same which is acceptable by my family also. There is no support from my relatives towards our family also which also makes our state a little weak. I know Sir you must be thinking that this lady is going on and on even after two replies. But Sir I want to share and ask these things with someone and I found your page where I can express my views.

So please Sir please sugest your valuable suggest.

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Rosy91 2 years ago

Iam an Indian and i was 19 when i got married and my husband was 29 then.it is purely arranged.even though i was 19, i was exactly like what you have said about the mind of the girl at 14. (At that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands just like creepers winding around the trees.That acceptance without questioning perhaps brought in a beautiful bonding between them.)and i totally agree with you.Today iam 22 and my husband is 32.we do have a beautiful bond.he understands my wishes and I love him a lot.

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Karthik 19 months ago

Dear Sir,

Your article is very informative and honest. I read through most of the posts here. still in the dilemma on taking a decision. I’m 34 years old (many reasons for this long wait for marriage) . had a proposal of 20 years old girl. Everything is fine between the families and me & the girl. They are traditional family with the values, the girl is also nice and caring. Positive points I see from my side is, I look 25 yrs (metobolic age is 27), follows very healthy diet, financially stable, know the value of time & spend every moment fully. I hope to make my better half happy and satisfied with life. But still have concerns about age gap, will this age gap matter if there are many things in life to worry such as pollution, illness, debts, harassment, corruption, selfishness and so on. Please advice me.

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sapna 16 months ago

Hi m sapna .i am 30 n i love the guy is 42 the age gap is too he loves me alot he is caring n understng n my parents will wont allow me now i am very much confused wat to do should i go had or not n i hve medical prob my caste wont accept me n the guy whom i love is 10 yrs older den me plz hlp wat to do its ergent plzz hlp

Hi Sapna,

12 years is quite a large gap. Had you been, say 23 years old, it would definitely be a big negative. But since you are 30, perhaps it may be okay if both of you are indeed aware of all the issues related to the age gap (which I have discussed in several answers to various questions above. I don’t know whether you read the Q&As above).

In India, family support, cast issues etc have quite some weightage. It all depends on how much you can live without them (not just now when you are in love, but after, say 4 years when you are through the marriage!) .

And you say you have medical problem. Is your lover aware of it? If your parents want you to get married to someone in your caste, are they going to reveal the medical problem to the prospective bridegroom?

Ah! Complicated indeed!

C.V.

sapna 16 months ago

Ma parents like the guy bt they dont knw the age difference n my medical prob is thyroid n yes the guy knw s abt my medical prob if i tlk to my parents abt the age diff i dnt knw wat will hppn in past my ex boy cheat ne he is 4 yrs elder dn me

sapna 16 months ago

N the guy is very loving he take care of my every thing evn i love him too n bcoz of thyroid many people reject me in my caste bcoz of that my parents are in very much tension every tym

Hi Sapna,

If your parents are finding it difficult to get a match for you and as you are not getting any younger by day, it looks to me that you should be bold enough to talk to your parents. Place before them all the facts:

– You are already 30 years old; safe child bearing age is just 5 years away

– This person is 12 years older, but since your are already 30 the difference should not matter too much.

– This person knows about your health issues.

– A marriage with him with parental support will be better for your future well being

Let your parents have a free talk with your man; let them make their own assessment. In the meanwhile, you keep praying for divine guidance to lead you through the right path (whatever path that opens for you finally).

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

sapna 15 months ago

Thnks sir … n sry again to give u trouble the thing is i love him very much n he loves me too 80%couple fight bt in our case we never fight he is perfect frm evey way well settle he never make me feel insulted or never hurt me every tym he try to make me happy in any case bt sumtyms i feel the age gap i m very much scared

Hi Sapna,

I am not too sentimental by nature to get carried away by declarations like “I love him very much” etc! If such a love is so strong, then statement like “The age gap I am very much scared” will not come. Which means, you are also logically analyzing and doing some mental calculations! Nothing wrong; I am just pointing out the realities.

Again your statements like “he never make me feel insulted; never hurt me…” etc do make me chuckle! It will all be like that during love stage and there won’t be any assurance that it will remain so after marriage. Only because such is the ground reality of life, “80% of couple fight”! Hope you understand!

Again, if your expectations that “I shall not be insulted; I shall not be hurt by my partner” are too strong, then that itself will prove to be a big cause of trouble post marriage. Too much of sensitivity is the biggest cause of trouble in marriages.

Some insults, momentary flow of ugly words, pungent criticism when in angry mood are part and parcel of marriage life. Only such couples who can brush them aside quickly and come to terms for the sake of love (or whatever it is) can ever have some peaceful married life.

Be prepared. At some point of time or other in life, if you happen to marry the person and he, in a moment of anger, says “I married you despite knowing your thyroid problem” you may feel hurt. But if you accept the fact that what he says is indeed true, then you will get peace.

I have said too much!

Now coming to your issue. It is clear that you also are not too sure about your choice. People like me cannot come to your help, but God can. Pray sincerely for divine guidance. Undertake some vows. Do some fasting. Chant some hymns and keep praying for divine grace. You are sure to get it.

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

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raj 15 months ago

Hello sir,

I saw ur suggestion to lot of people. I am really appreciate you. I am 27 yrs old boy and my father wants now this is correct age to marry but girl they have choosen her age is approx 16 yrs. Now i am confusing and thinking that if i will say yes then this marrige will be successful or not. Or i have to say no to this proposal plz suggest…

Hello Raj,

It is illegal to get a girl of 16 married! May be it is the old custom prevailing in your region, not affected by law.

11 years is too wide a gap for marriage. At 16, she is virtually a grown up child.

C.V

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ronit 14 months ago

Sir,

I am typical Indian boy who is too much confused. My age is 28yrs old ,engineer and youngest in family. My elder sisters made too late to get married and only one got married but other sisters keep searching the guy of age diff. of only 2 or 3 yrs max. In this process they have crossed the age of 35 yrs.

I tried to tell them to have flexibility to search 5yrs old difference between boy and them but they did not listen. Previously i though that i should not marry myself and decided to lead life of celibacy to attain moksha.

Now things turned completely adverse to me, i can’t able to think to face my sisters. Nor i am able to take decision to go for spirituality or marriage. Sisters needs someone to get support as in India it is so difficult to leave sisters alone.

I had very good looks and personality, now feeling that i am getting too old. I think i am good looking and good personality and i feel that i deserve young girl about 5 to 6 yrs younger diff. age In this process my earning is average and would cross 30yrs after two year.

I am very confused how to lead life, I would be having regret to not having beautiful wife due to my average earning and being crossed 30yrs after 2 yrs from now. I am virgin and i see around that i could not find virgin girl due to my age.

My age would be problem to get good young girl. I don’t expect working girl either. I am ready to give most commitment to my wife if i get one as i wish.

Hi Ronit,

A very poignant situation indeed. I think the times are changing so fast that good values and practices in life are gradually getting eroded in society. Very unfortunately, the current situation in India is that girls at marriageable age are less and boys are more in number.

Added to it, girls are well employed, enjoy a lot more freedom of choice, can dictate terms and get away with it. (May be your sisters were unlucky as their terms didn’t work out!) Moderately earning boys getting the right girl to marry is becoming an uphill task nowadays unless they smart enough to woo girls into love affairs.

Getting into spirituality by keeping brahmacharya must be based on clear-cut understanding, conviction, mental resilience and above all under the guidance of a qualified spiritual guru. If not, you will be neither here nor there, pulled by lust at one end and desire to get moksha at another end. The power of lust is so potent that even great people can fail on that account.

Since you seem to be a honest and committed person (for the well being of your sisters) I am sure God will make you happy in life in the right way. Have faith in God. All the best.

C.V.Rajan

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Raj 14 months ago

Sir, should i marry divorced girl having age diff 5 years,, She don’t have child but i liked her..

I am honest and straight forward, i want my wife to be truthful about relation…please guide me..Iam never married and religious,never had any serious relation..

Hello Raj,

As an old fashioned man, I wonder why an unmarried man, who has every potential to get married to an unmarried woman, should go for a divorced woman. You said an age difference of 5 years. You are elder or she is elder? If she is the elder one, again why on earth, one should think of such a relationship?

Whether you are younger or she is younger, I welcome you to read this article (not mine), which I found very interesting:http://hubpages.com/relationships/7-Reasons-Why-Yo…

C.V.

Raj 14 months ago

Sir, she is younger than me… She is good looking and i find she is good looking but don’t know anything about her past…

She looks innocent to me and i think i atleast know about her… actually she is same caste as me…

I think atleast i should know whether she is right person or not for stable relation in marriage…

There are very less choices now for marriage .. most of girls i don’t like..very few girls are shortlisted….

Plan for arranged marriage only…

Raj 14 months ago

That article is helpful.

Thanks…

Sharath 13 months ago

Hi sir

My age now 21 but my girlfriend age is 27 is any problem about the age if we marry means …….

Sharat,

If you read my article, all answers are already there.

rayma sharma 13 months ago

hi sir,

 i am suffering a lot with this age difference, i want to get marry with a boy who is 10 year younger than me. i know my married life would not be safe but i can forget him. please wrote a article to forget a person if there is 10 years age difference between them, your article is really best to learn in future. thank u sir please solve my problem

Rayma Sharma,

I am not able to understand what you mean – what your problem is and what you expect.

C.V.

Dinesh Cool 13 months ago from Chennai, Tamil Nadu

Hi Sir,

First of all i need to thank for sharing a wonderful conversation.Now i was at the age of 23 and my girl friend age is 16.she was my cousin my mom’s own brothers daughter(mama ponnu). I like her and she too like me alot. Now i was working as a software engineer.I was planned to marry at the age of 28 or 29. I need know whether i was in wright path?

sadham hussain 12 months ago

My wife is greater than 9month to me. what are the problems are I will faced plz reply me

Dinesh Cool,

While age difference is good, I am afraid there has been lots of scientific findings that do not really favor marrying withing blood relations like maama ponnu, aththai ponnu etc.

C.V.

hi am from nepal my age is 23 and my girl friend age is 20 can i do marriage with hum

arsu 12 months ago

hi sir i am 21, my brother in law is 32 , we are going to marry in june ,

we both love each other , i am typing this together with him .

is there any problems in this

Hi Arsu,

I have already given some views on the subject (of around 10 years age gap – wife being younger) in some of my earlier replies to others. Please scan through my replies above to locate the specific answers.

All the best.

C.V.

arsu 12 months ago

thank you sir for ur reply ,

i will go through your previous replies regarding this issue

 

jagdish 11 months ago

Women in their 40s are busy with their teenage kids but men even with teenage kids are still looking for younger mate. Why?

It simply means 10 years would be ideal age difference for sexually happy marriage life.

 

saniya khan 9 months ago

I think this column is very useful for all couple who are confused about each other in different phases of age difference.

shalini 9 months ago

Hi there I need your help.Currently i have received a proposal for marriage.But im unable to decide wether to accept it or not and the major issues are age gap.Kindly advice me im now turning 28 next month and the guy age is 36 coming october.Its 8 years age gab between but i knew this person more than 10 years and both of us have never had any intention within this time frame.Coincidently my family member decided to match both us .Do you think i should accept it or not.The only matter is he is gem of person and definitely i would say that he is very good and gentle.Im totally confused to accept the proposal or let go due to age gao but another part im not able to let him because of his good characteristic.I need your urgent replues and please advice me accordingly and hope to hear soon from you .Thank you

Hi Shalini,

As you might have seen in my original article and several comments, I am basically in support of a longer age gap. Since you find good qualities in the man and you are in a way inclined to accept the man for those qualities, then I believe the longer age gap should not be a big issue.

You are already 28. Sooner or later, aged looks will start showing. You have just 7 years of child bearing age ahead of you. As you age more and more, finding a right partner will become more and more difficult. Some times, you may even be forced to make more compromises in case of any extraordinary delay in finding a better partner!

As long as you don’t want to be a dominating and manipulating partner in the married life (I believe present day girls are particular about this privilege and that’s why they prefer very small age difference!), I believe and hope you will end up with a good married life.

May God show you the right way and bless you with a happy married life.

C.V.Rajan

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muzzy 9 months ago

Hi,

I found your thoughts very interesting and shocking. As much as I want to disagree with them, they do shed light on reality. I am a Pakistani woman (24 years old) brought up in Canada. I got married at age 22 with a 24 year old and am getting divorced. It was mainly due to ego clashes and both wanting respect and the upper hand. I understand from your article and comments that you highly encourage a 4-8 year age difference. But what would you say for me who has been with a 2 year difference and hasn’t worked out. I wouldn’t mind going for someone 4-8 years older….actually my parents know of a person 9 years older. I am confused because I am a Canadian woman who wants respect affection and equality. Do you think a man who is also Candian raised would give me those things if he is 4-8/9 years older?

I don’t think I will have the option of going on dates but perhaps talking over phone. Do you have any advice on how I can pick a man apart and find his reality?

What age difference do you think is good for me (in terms of my past situation and future outlook)?

muzzy 9 months ago

Oh maybe a little more info: I am becoming a social worker. and the 9 years older guy is a little less educated. He has a diploma in buisness management. I have been in Canada since age 2 and my ex was here for only 1.5 years….this 9 years older guy has been in Canada for a while too. I am quite religious and cultural but demand respect trust and mutual understanding to an extent in a relationship. If he even attempts to give me all that I know I will give him twice as much. I hope you get a better picture of my life. Please feel free to be as specific and detailed as possible 🙂

Thank you for your time.

Muzzy

Hello Muzzy,

Interesting!

You see, I am a 60 year old Indian man and my views on what is good for a married life are all based on certain time tested archaic values (which may not be totally palatable to present generation). These values are built on Hindu human qualities like humility, subduing the ego for the sake of good relationship, not trying for one-upmanship, giving rather than demanding etc etc and I would sound more like a male chauvinist!

If a marriage is to succeed, a woman has to be tactful in not denying a man his sense of superiority (whether he deserves it or not) and work her way around through the path of love and care to get what she needs.

The moment you ‘demand’ respect, the respect somehow eludes you. That is a fact of life.

Now that you have some bad experiences in your previous married life, I am sure you can be cautious not to repeat your mistakes (and it requires a frank self analysis and open mind to acknowledge and accept our share of mistakes!)

The questions before you are:

– Will you think that you are in some way superior because of your higher educational qualifications and use it as a tool to settle scores at moments of bitterness?

– Will your partner feel inferior before you because of that and in order to hide it, will he try to act over-smart?

– Will you curtail your previous tendency to dominate and give him more respect for his age and maturity?

– Will you be prepared to “earn” respect by way of your love, affection and care (by giving love care etc first, not by saying :”If he gives, I will give two-fold, not otherwise!”) rather than demanding it as a matter of marital right?

– You are saying you are quite religious. I believe Prophet Mohamed has given several down-to-earth guidelines in Quran for Muslim woman regarding marital relations. Following them could be naturally conducive for you.

If you don’t foresee any major problems in these crucial questions, perhaps you can take a positive decision.

I have written some other hubs about success of Indian marriages, how to make a married life last for ever, the problem of violence in marriages and some old fashioned solutions, discussions on monogamy and polygamy (whether nature or nurtured) and why some amount of male domination is accepted by woman etc.

If you find time to read them, you can get some points to ponder and for self-analysis.

All the best to you!

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Muzzy 9 months ago

Thank you so much for your replies and I very respectfully have more comments and questions:

From a few other articles I have read of yours, I understand that you say men are superior to women no matter if he deserves it or not. I am having trouble agreeing to that concept perhaps because of the environment that I live in. I don’t understand how a woman can just give and a man sits and enjoys. Does a woman have no right to recieve love and respect? I can earn it but why can’t a man earn it as well? Why can’t we work together to start a relationship based on love and respect. Your other article about making a marriage last for ever is also interesting but I found it some what contradicting. You claimed that having trust, love etc. is very important in relationships but why is a women only obliged to do that? Why can’t both man and woman care and love. It seems like you are saying a woman is going to do all the giving, respecting, loving because it is a man’s right. Does a woman not deserve that in return? I feel scared for my future because I crave love and respect so much but men are taught that they can be selfish. they are the breadwinners and they don’t have to care for their wife.

You wrote very good things about making a marriage work. You talked about care, friendship love etc. and also not being selfish but at the end you concluded it off by basically implying that women do all that and men sit back and enjoy it. I have so much love to give to my future husband. I know I have made many mistakes in my past, which I fully intend not to repeat but ultimately, he was worse. He abused me in other ways too. I am ready to give a lot of love to someone but I want it as well. I can start it off but how long do I have to wait to get it in return….I know you are going to say I shouldn’t expect anything in return or I shouldn’t put conditions on my love but is that really reality? Do all women lovingly live with an undeserving man?

On a side note: I thank you again for your advice/ responses because I have struggled with these questions for some time now and I have finally met someone who can answer them in a way that I will understand. Everything you say is reality. I know. But it is unfair reality. You said I am dominating by nature. I disagree. I want love in exchange for love. Is that too much to ask for?

Hi Muzzy,

I liked your statement: “Everything you say is reality. I know. But it is unfair reality.”

Why this unfairness has come into existence and why is it around all over the world, cutting across all religions and cultures? I have tried to find the answer for it and elaborated it in this article:

Monogamy – Is it nature or nurtured?

(In my own self-judgment, I have always felt this is one of my best articles).

In this article, I have NOT dealt with the influence of “love” that a man develops on a woman and based on the strength of it, he will do any sacrifice to retain that love. I know there are indeed men who sacrifice many things (which a man is normally unfavorably privileged to have) for the sake of that love. Perhaps you have not come across such men in life. You may argue that such men are too few in numbers and it could be true.

My Guru Mata Amritanandamayi (who is a woman) says that woman should become strong like men, but not by compromising their inborn nature of motherhood. She says God has given some natural gifts like loving, caring, compassion, sense of loyalty etc to woman and whatever a woman achieves in this world should be without losing these values. A woman’s motherly instinct makes her love her children unconditionally. She does not say to the child “I want love in exchange for love”.

If only a woman extends this unconditional love to the man who gives the gift of motherhood to her, she will be blessed. You may say this is too idealistic and not practical.

I know very well of a woman (now aged 84 and leading an emotionally miserable life, waiting for death to come) who always wanted to be loved, adored, pampered and appreciated first before she could reciprocate it. She was otherwise morally sound, efficient in doing her duties and intelligent. She did her role as a wife and as a mother very well, more as a “duty done with sincerity”, but with the emotional ‘love’ part missing. While all through her life she craved to receive love, what she got was a caring husband who did his ‘duty with sincerity’ to his wife sans love and good children who took/ take care of her strictly as a duty, sans love.

This lady now lives in a dream world imagining that she had all along been a very loving and affectionate wife/ mother but what she got in return was a thankless husband and emotionless children! At her advanced age, no one can make her see reason, and I have never seen her really being happy on anything in her life, as I had observed her over the last half a century.

C.V.Rajan

krishna 9 months ago

Hi Rajan sir, my parents are convincing me to marry a girl who is 7 years younger to me. i like the girl, but marrying a girl with a age gap of 7 years …is it ideal ???… it is making me to feel guilty….. plz help me….what should i do?

Hi Krishna,

What is there to feel guilty about? It was an acceptable age gap 20-30 years ago and the very crux of my article is to promote a larger age gap for a happier married life! I have already mentioned why such a age gap is good in detail in my article and several other QAs. May be the current generation girls want shorter age gap because their main intent is to dominate men. If the proposed girl has no objection to this age gap, then you should not worry.

C.V.Rajan

Krishna 9 months ago

Hi Rajan sir,

Thank you for your advice. yeah the girl has no objection in marrying me… in fact she is convincing me to marry her. taking your suggestion into consideration i feel that i can proceed further and marry her

Thank you very much….

Krishna,

Glad to know. May God bless you with a happy married life for ever.

C.V.Rajan

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Arjun 8 months ago

Namaskar

I am 32 years and my girl friend is 22. So we both are getting marry next year 2016. Sir pls give me suggestion is it good?? And I m getting marry that girl is” my mom brother daughter” I depended on you sir.

I m confused now..

Thank you..

Namaskar Arjun,

I know several couples in MY GENERATION (I am nearing 60) with such an age gap and the family relations are very fine. My wife is younger by 8.5 years to me. My elder brother’s wife is 10 years younger.

But… we belong to the earlier generation, where culture and values were different. Girls’s expectations were different. But I see a sea of change in the attitude of present generation, particularly girls.

The question before you is – Is your GF fully accepting this age difference? Has she clearly understood the advantages and disadvantages of the age difference?

If yes, you may go ahead. That’s my personal opinion.

All the best!

C.V.Rajan

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ramesh 7 months ago

…namaskar sir,

i am 27 years old n i much like one of my relative’s daughter to marry and she is 15 yrs old. both are having interest together. plz give me suggest after marriage done any sexual or other related problems can occured or not. But my mind always thinking about her . plzzz help meee

Ramesh,

15 yrs is not a marriageable age for a girl. It will be against law if you plan to marry her now. At this age she cannot think logically about the repercussions of age gap. When she turns 21 or 22 and get ready for marriage, you will be 33/34. Are you going to wait that long? What is the logic? 12 years is too long a gap in present day standards.

C.V.Rajan

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pooja 7 months ago

Namaskar sir..

M from India and my age is 21 m in love with a guy who is 28 yes old

Sir..I m really scared of lossing him as u say m a modern girl but respects him a lot and love him

But d 7 years age gap can I marry him..???

Please help…

Hi Pooja,

My point of view is very much in favor of 7 years age gap. If you don’t fit into “modern day” girls’ motive of dominating men by leveraging on small age gap, well and good! All the best!

pooja 7 months ago

Thank u so much. Sir m glad to HV a guide lyk uh …thanks a lot 🙂

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Yash 6 months ago

Hello Sir,

I am 37 years male and in a very pure relationship with a 20 years old girl. We know each other since last 2 years. We are just communicating over phones and meeting formally at a very rare occasions (once in 3-4 months). I look very good and handsome and I am very much caring, understanding, honest and polite. She likes my nature and she proposed me six months ago, I accepted her proposal but me always intimating her about the huge age difference. But she says that she does not care. And me too very much loving her. This is our first love so probably very hard to get separated only on the basis of age difference.

We don’t know the negative impacts of such age difference. Adding more here, I did a body age test which comes 26 years old, my parents don’t have any problems e.g. BP, sugar etc. My father is 74 years old still he walks the stairs till 10th floor of my flat, my lifestyle is very simple and I follow proper healthy diet. Her father having high blood sugar. She wanted to marry me. And I also could not refuse marrying her if there wouldn’t be serious problems in our life because of age difference. Please suggest specialist doctor or consultant should we meet to get the advice. Also, considering all the provided details please share your views on this typical case, also share the negative impacts best known to your knowledge. One more thing, I am unmarried person, my marriage got cancelled 4 years back and I decided not to get married, but now I am feeling much eagerness of having someone in life to complete all the phases of life. Now I am managing the time to talk to her on phone for about 4-5 hours per day and feeling very much romantic and changed (actually she brought the changes in me). I am well settled and having a job, she is doing her engineering from college and want to get marry me after two years.

Yash,

When you are in love and romance, it is extremely difficult to think of the negative side of marrying with 17 years long gap. You have a past history and you are longing for a loving relationship. The girl perhaps may not be mature enough to intellectually see the long term negative effects. After two/ three years, when you turn 40 and she 23, she will probably be an independent earning person. her financial freedom, her new company with “office going women” (not the giggling type college girls) may change her outlook. She may get lots of counseling from her well-wishers against marrying with a lot of age gap. She may get confused and disturbed. At that point of time, if a breaking becomes necessary, it may become all the more painful.

Think of this, when you reach 55, you will be a middle aged person where as she, at 38 may still be a good looking woman.

Normally, I have seen that unmarried people suddenly look aged a couple of years after marriage. Greying of hair, balding etc may make the age difference obvious. It requires lots of maturity to digest if someone refers to your wife and says ‘your daughter’.

In my personal case, I looked much older than my age in my late forties and I was very particular not to dye my white hair. Even with just 8.5 years age gap, someone referred my wife as my daughter. Of course we could laugh it off. It may not be easy for all.

Then there are sexual urge related issues too that my come up and disturb at later years.

Unless there is a divine will that you get married, unless there is some connections of soul-mate from previous births, unless both of you are extremely mature and loving enough to kick aside all the negative sides of long age gap, unless both of you are determined to keep your love life fragrant for long (and nature permitting it) , it is a difficult proposition indeed.

As I had mentioned earlier, it might have worked in previous generations. I am not sure for your generation.

May God give you the right guidance. All the best.

Yash 6 months ago

Rajan,

Thanks for your advice. I am also afraid of the concerns you have mentioned when she will become earning and independent lady. And at that time it would be very hard to get seperated from my side. So, it looks like this relationship will survive only if she doesnt change in future, future depends solely on her thoughts, i understand that if she get disturbed then everything will spoil. Thank you for attending my query. Third view is always require in such cases.

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Arun 6 months ago

Hi Sir,

I’m 31.5 year old. I believe the correct age difference between me and my wife would be 3 years. Currently I’m searching bride in the age of 26 to 28. But my relatives are forcing me to be flexible when it comes to age. They are asking me to consider 30 year old brides. I recently heard that for women after 27 years of age, there will be lots of biological changes and it will be difficult to get conceive from 30 years onwards. Also my current ongoing search is not so fruitful. Almost all the proposals are getting rejected. Proposal equal to my age and ages older than me. But I’m not going against nature, I like to stick to my plan of bride’s age range of 26 to 28 or even 29 not more than that. Please let me know your view on this one. What would be the best max age for women to get married. ?

As this alliance seeking enters the intense phase, I’m getting more weird feelings. Feelings like if something happens to me after marriage and who will take care of her. She is going to share her entire life with me and I should be double cautious in taking care of her. Also the fear is mounting up for me. Fear of taking care of her without any issues, keeping her happy and satisfied.

Marriage proposals usually makes people happy. But for me this ongoing marriage seeking process, creates more fear in me, it is more intense that imagination of standing in the marriage hall, facing huge number of relatives creates more fear. Is this normal? Everyone experience this fear? I have cleared all my public exams without any fear but coping this fear is uncontrollable. Please advice.

Hello Arun,

I am in total agreement with your idea of searching for a bride in the age group 26-29. My best wishes to you.

Too much of extrapolation about future life (‘what will happen to her if something happens to me’…) is a way of making the present miserable. God takes care of people. In fact, women are far more confident of facing and managing widowhood than men (in old age). I have seen many widows leading a burden (=husband)-free life comfortably with confidence whereas I have seen many widowers getting shaken on account of the loss of a caring partner.

I felt surprised to see your worry about facing crowd during the marriage function! Actually I see/ believe many people thoroughly enjoying their marriage function because it is just one day in their life they are treated as heroes!

If you talk about the pain of the frozen artificial smile kept on the face, the sweating insides suit and coat and the never ending handshakes with unknown persons which are part and parcel of any marriage reception, I definitely empathize with you. It is a pain indeed. But why should it be scaring?

Yes, some people may make a comedy out of the one-day hero role, but nobody takes you seriously! Don’t worry!

C.V.Rajan

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Karthick 6 months ago

Hi Sir,

I’m 32, vigorously searching for bride. I’m totally against dowry and not demanding anything from bride side. Bride’s expectation is very high.

Almost all the bride are looking whether the groom is owning a house, taking her to foreign visit once in 6 months, getting her all expensive items, gadgets etc.

And they are looking for living independently breaking up from joint family. Most importantly, in general, bride’s are earning more compare to the grooms nowadays.

I have excluded these above mentioned profiles in my search and end up with very few search results and once again horoscope/star matching brings that to nearly to nil.

Since more modern brides are expecting and demanding much, I thought of searching bride from out of the city (say like village/towns). But reality is shocking, they too started expect near equal to what modern ones do. I tried all the possible ways but very difficult to get proposals. I am frustrated and have a feeling that I could have born some 50 years earlier.

I am completely clueless of how to proceed with the search. Please advice.

Thanks

Karthick

Hello Karthik,

I can only console you saying that you are not the only case facing such a predicament. Lots of youngsters who can’t get hooked to a girl by “love” but have to go through the traditional arranged marriage route are facing this problem and I know many such cases. Since the girls’ population is currently lower than male population, this upper-hand of girls has come into existence. It is further fueled by present day girls’ financial independence, wide-spread and blatant materialistic culture, lack of respect to traditional values, lack of parental influence or control etc are definitely contributing to this situation in India.

It looks to me that if one gets a good girl to marry who has some moorings on traditional values and convictions, then one should have accumulated lots of Punya in this birth as well as previous births!

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papu 6 months ago

Dear sir i got engaged to a girl who is 6 years younger to me and i am 30 years and she is 25 years old she is a resident of Mumbai city we registered our marriage before marriage and now girl don’t want to marry me because i came to know about her past just because i did not allow her to go to Hill station with her friends including her Ex boy friend, she is angry and she decided to go for a divorce now, i being a man tried to sort out he matter and requested her to compromise the matter she is not ready now she is asking for a divorce. how fare it is now i feel i must leave her if i still continue this relationship she might damage my life she says me 6 month u will feel bad later everything will be good. dont know what to do

Hello Papu,

I have really no answer. I could only guess that both the families perhaps were not in picture. It is nothing to do with age gap, but about value systems, convictions, trust, respect for marriage, cultural moorings or lack of it, personal relationship issues between man and woman that outsider cannot know in full….

C.V.Rajan

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American 5 months ago

Hello Mr. Rajan,

I am a 28 year old male living in the US. I agree with your assessment of the age gap relationship, and that it is conducive for the man to marry a younger women 4-8 years younger if possible. However, if I were to pursue a women 7 years younger than me that would make her 21. Would you say that even though a 7 year age gap is healthy, I should wait until she is 22-24 to allow her to enter similar life stages?

Hello American,

If only it is feasible (considering the girl’s career aspirations etc) I would say 21 is the best age for a girl to get married. How far the present day girls will agree with it is a different question!

American 5 months ago

I mean, I agree with you. It is very evident that we are getting married at an older age due to social conditioning and priorities. Do you find this disheartening? Or do you just see it as a fluctuating trend?

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RY 5 months ago

Sir plz help me! At such a little age I’ve been through very bad times. I m 15 yr old and I m in love with one of my teacher who is 19 yrs older than me. I’m really very sad over this situation. I can’t tell it to anyone due to this much age difference. My friends just take it as joke and think that I just have crush on him. But I really do love him. I don’t know what is really going on. He don’t even know anything. I m very afraid to tell anything to him because I’m afraid that he will feel very embarrassing, will avoid me as long as possible , what will be his reaction? , he will have one type of rescnt from me. He is the best person I’ve ever seen.I really want help and suggestion because I can’t take help from anybody else.. Please sir help me 🙁 :'( .

RY,

Your friends are right. At 15, what you get is crush. It is not love. I don’t know from which country you are. In India, teachers are to be respected as fathers.

C.V.Rajan

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Hemang Amin 4 months ago

i m 30 she is 19 age diff is 11 year so this age diff is good or not good plzz. ans.

me fast

4 months ago

hello Rajan sir

perfact age gap is 10years 9 month and 5 day so good or not good ?

Hemang,

10+ age gap was okay in previous generations but I doubt it for the present generation. You can see some of my replies to similar questions where I have explained in detail.

C.V.Rajan

 

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Karthi 4 years ago

Hi Sir,

I’m 32 years old. I’m in highly stressed state and heavy mental battle is going on within me. I have been in search for bride for the past 5 years and

all the attempts ends in failure. I’m totally frustrated and almost in the edge of giving up. This entire process and this prolonged search is testing the patience.

I was calm and composed during the begining of the search and now my patience is started eroding. It is testing the patience in a such a way that I thought of losing my virginity.

And I have started to ask my friends for the way to lose the same. But my friends told me that my future wife’s prayer was good and powerful that it keeps me from losing virginity and remain pure.

My thinking is that I want to be pure to my future wife by being virgin. More over in God’s creation, one male will have one female as partner and the same for female. This part only difference us from animals.

I dont like to go against God’s desire. But at the same time, it is creating very high mental pressure. It is really really testing my patience by pushing to the extreme limits. It’s like I’m in the edge of the line, and few little push will land me of losing the virginity.

Almost everyone expect the bride to be pure and she will also expecting the same. Very big tug of war is happening in my mind. Please advice and any strong and effective method to overcome the same.

Hi Karthi,

It is your right sense of dharma that has been keeping you on hold from going astray. Brahmacharya is one of the foremost qualities needed for an unmarried person to keep high moral standards in life and that will protect him from evils in some way or other in life. That’s why brahmacharyam is a basic need for spiritual seekers.

In the present day of cultural degradation in India, it is really appreciable that you want to hold on to your principle. It is indeed very difficult, considering that boys who cannot hook to a girl through love affair, find it too uphill a task to get the right match, while right marriageable age slips year by year and one gets frustrated.

I can only give you some hint based on what Ramakrishna Paramahamsa told to one of his devotees: “Let some ounces of semen flow out alright, but let no physical relation take place with any woman”.

All the best for you to get a right match for you by divine grace.

C.V.Rajan

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vijaybansod1@gmail.com 4 months ago

Sir i am now 24 years old and my gf is 17. To be settle down in life i require 2 years more.. and she will become 19 but she wants to complete her graduation and i cant wait.. I want to get married at the age of 26-27 but she wants to extent it to her 23 means my 29-30… please suggest me what should i do?

Hi Vijay,

I would personally consider 26-27 aged male and 19/20 year old girl getting married is quite nice. But present day girls want to complete education and have a secured job and naturally, their age of marriage goes upto 23/24 +. We can’t say it is wrong. Consequently your age goes up to 29-30 and your concern is also genuine!

Aside from this, there is yet another problem. Remaining as boyfriend and girlfriend for 5-6 years and then getting married has its own risks and complications. As both of you grow and mature, your expectations, judgment etc change; acceptance of other’s idiosyncrasies etc becomes difficult. Even the love affair may lose its charm; both sides may turn more calculative and selfish.

That’s why in the older generations they would say, when it comes to settling marriages, “Subhasya Seegrah” — “Do the good act quickly”.

Complicated indeed!

C.V.Rajan

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Vijay Rajak 3 months ago

Sir i have gone though this discussion first time and i really happy that someone is guide us right path..

Sir, I need ur help.

I am 24 yrs and a girl proposed me she is only 14 yrs. I still not able to take decision and totally confused wherether I should except or to reject her.

I said her that i like her but i need time.

I found that she mentally matured rather than the age group of 15yrs boys.

Plesae reply this and help me sir.

Sir there is some o Hub page because m unble to sign up

Hi Vijay Rajak,

A 14 year girl proposing to you may be very ego boosting, but it is in no way more than infatuation. What does a 14 year know about all the complexities of married life other than falling in love? Assuming you agree and then get married when she turns 22, there are 8 long years of wait! Who knows how tastes, likes, dislikes would change as she matures and understands world better?

C.V.Rajan

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Lakshya (3 months ago)

Hi Sir,

I went through your article and it was really helpful for the current dilemma i had in my mind.But still,i just want your piece of advice.Please help me out

My parents are seeking alliance for me and obviously as all parents wish they need to seek a good groom with good qualification,education and family as those are the things which we get to know in arranged marriage.I do agree with your point that love,understanding and care is what going to bind us for ages to come apart from all materialistic things.

Few days back my parents showed a very good profile .I was really satisfied with all but I came to know that the groom’s age was 7.5 years elder to me(I’m 25 now).I was a bit confused and started to think if there would be compatibility between us coz of age gap.I know its weird,but as I see my friends and people around me telling 3-5 years gap is preferable. I know its one’s own personal acceptance of the better half but still I’ve not met the guy in person I wonder if there would be a good compatibility between us.Please advice me on the same

Hi Lakshya,

You are already 25. If you keep waiting for the right match (3-5 yrs age gap as per present day preferences) you may get older in the wait- who knows? In previous generation, 7.5 years gap was quite fine. I feel you can meet him, get a first hand feel and take a positive decision if all other things work out fine for you. All the best.

C.V.Rajan

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Kumar 3 months ago

Hi Sir,

I’m Kumar, age 32. I started searching for bride, 5 years ago and still the search is going on. My star is Aslesha. Rejection rate is 100%. Bride’s parents fear that Aslesha star will harm their life and everyone is rejecting me. Even if we are seeking bride with either father or mother expired, their side is not at all ready to consider and not willing to take risk. Also it is very very difficult to get a proposal, with no father or mother. It seems I may not get married at all. Please advice.

Kumar,

My exposure on horoscope matching is limited. But, I believe Chevvai dosham (Faulty Mars) caused by your star Aslesha can be offset with girls having Sevvai dosham in their horoscopes. That’s how one of my sister got married. So, don’t lose hope.

C.V.Rajan

What is the ideal age gap between man and woman for marriage? – Real life Q&A – Counseling – Part 2

This is part 2 of questions from readers and answers given by me related to my article on What is the ideal age gap between husband and wife for marriage.

krutika 4 years ago

Dear Sir,

I got a sense of relief after reading this thoroughly.

I am actually dating a guy who is 12 yrs older. I will be 26yrs of age this year and he would be 38 yrs. He is single and so am i . We both find a lot of affection and practicality in our relationship.Our thoughts and ideals match. I was already in a relationship wid a guy who was 4 yrs elder to me and we studied together but sumhow i always found him immature and petty.

There is where the rift began,and i got attracted to this guy who is more sensible, softspoken , decisive and above all who i respect a lot. We both wish to go ahead and marry as we just feel our wavelengths our thots match.

But my family particularly my sister is of an opinion that this is abnormal , u wud have to rush up wid everything in life. U must marry a man iof ur age so that u both grow together. She tries to make me understand that i should just cut off from him. But honestly , i cant and he looks like any other smart guy. He doesn’t luk of his age . But i find myself highly compatible and want to go ahead. Now i really dont know how to convince my family. kindly help!!!

Thanks 🙂

Hi Krutika,

You are 26 and at this age, when you take a decision, it is based more on common sense after a careful analysis of the pros and cons. You can ask your sister who is objecting to your idea to read this article and also the so many discussions under the comments section.

As long as you are willing to give your love as well as respect for your man for the age difference, I sincerely hope things will workout fine. As I had written in some of the comments, I have seen successful couple with 12 year age gap in my earlier generation.

As long as you do not want one-upmanship in your relationship (like the present day youngsters want) and be content at that, it should be fine. You can definitely bend your man to your ways, but it could be through the force of unconditional love, rather than “demand as a matter of right” like the present day girls tend to do.

You can explain to your parents that you have weighed all this things well, made up your mind for the type of adjustments you are prepared to do; explain to them that your mental maturity calls for a compatible partner and as per your tastes, youngsters of your age don’t neatly fit in.

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

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akshay 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

I was surfing thru the net on this topic and came across your article. I am turning 30 years, and I am well settled doing good in IT profession. My parents have been looking for a suitable match since nearly 2.5yrs.

Recently we came across a very good match with respect to horoscope and other details (a one in 100 matches, they say). She also works in a well known MNC and she’s about 6years smaller to me. However the girl did not quite interest me with looks. So we kept it pending.

Now we came across with another profile and the girl is 10 years younger to me, and has not completed her studies. she intends to study after marriage, and comes from very rich and respected family background. They seem interested. while it seems acceptable to me, I am probably thinking on the age difference. Hope with your inputs, i take the correct decision. any comments you want to add Sir CV ?

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kd 4 years ago

hello sir,

Well im 16 and in love with a guy of 24. 8 yrs gap! and i think that im quite mature and our thoughts too match with each other. We have met online and haven’t met in person yet and will meet in another 1 or 2 yrs and then have quite a many plans ahead. We are very happy together. He is loving and really caring and above all he respects me nd my thoughts and ideas and so do i. It’ll almost be 9 months with him and i cannot imagine my life without him. There’s a great bond between us, a bond that keeps us together and a feeling of oneness. We didn’t hv any isues regarding age gap because we are very happy together. Recently my mother came to know about my relationship with this guy and she is against it epecially age gap bt me and my bf don’t hv any isues like that and he wants to marry me nd in other sense we both are committed to each other and very happy together.

Yesterday iv spoken to him about this and he told me to do what i want, to do what im comfortable with and he even told me to just keep this in my mind that “he is always with me” in whatever decision i take and i chose not to break up with him, i know that im young and hv my whole life and honesly iv really tried to stay out of this LOVE thing bt when i met him i automatically felt that he is the one. I want ur opinion regarding this and wether iv made the right decision…..pls answer

Hi kd,

I would rather call you “kid”!

16 years of age is one when you get mentally lured to the opposite sex and the one who lures you the best will look like the best person to fall in love!

It is your age and the brain chemicals that do all these mischief.

If it is a love developed on 1-to-1 meeting in person and sharing of feelings and ideas, to some extent I can accept that love.

But at my age of 54, I can never accept an on line, faceless love. You never know whether the other person is a genuine one, whether he is of the age that he declares (what if he is 40?) what if he is an AIDs patient who wants to have the thrill of romanticism through the harmless route of Internet?

Let’s leave such weird imaginations. Letr us assume he is genuine. What if, after 2 years when you really meet, the face-to-face meeting leaves a huge disappointment in you or in him on whatever you have conceived about each other on looks, personality etc?

I am old. My daughter sitting beside me, who is 24 and got just married, says this sort of Internet love affairs are dangerous. She is almost your generation.

Be exxxxxtttreeeemmmmmlllly careful, my dear girl. The world may not really be so nice as a 16 year old girls assumes it to be.

May God be with you to protect you and guide you.

C.V.Rajan

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angel jaipur 4 years ago

Sir,

I jst want to ask you one thing if a guy can be elder to a woman in marriage why cannot a girl be. Well do a diffrence of 5-6 years matters if a girl in love with a younger guy? Well anjali tendulkar is 6 years elder to sachin i read at google still they have successful marriage? How can you say that marriage is gona be unsuccessful if wife is elder to man? Do looks dnt matter? I seen many females who look just half der age. In that case if both guy and girl is compitable in looks, family status, mental level then what do you think if a girl marry a guy younger to him 5-6 years its wrong?

Angel Jaipur,

There are general things and there are exceptions. All those who smoke do not end up with lung cancer. All those who are drunkards do not get liver cirrhosis. But the possibility of getting lung cancer is more for smokers; for drunkards, the risk of getting liver cirrhosis is quite high.

Likewise, some of the traditional practices followed in the institution of marriage will be safe to follow for the majority of the cases. The risks of getting the marital relationships sour, in my opinion are more, if the age-gap is not proper. And there are exceptions.

In one of the recent discussions at Hubpages about premarital sex, almost 95% of western people participated in the discussion felt that pre-marital sex is necessary for a man and woman to know each other well before getting into wedlock. For us Indians, such an opinion would be quite shocking. But that’s the overwhelming opinion of the west. And such an opinion is definitely against the traditional wisdom and also against the wisdom offered by Bible.

If it were to be true, then the west should have the least divorce rates. But it is not so obviously. So, pre-marital sex is not going to assure a better relationship in future.

Likewise, any relationships ignoring the traditional wisdom may not ensure a good marital bond in majority of cases. And there are always exceptions.

C.V.Rajan

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richa 4 years ago

hii

m 22 and my BF is 33years old…we want to get married…will dis marriage be succesful???bcoz everybody is saying me it wont be succesful….. plzzz tell me.

You know, I write from India and many of my views are basically Indian. As the institution of marriage is still strong, respected and works in majority of cases in India, I am convinced that this system has sound sense.

Coming to the age gap of 11, I should say even in India, the practice of marrying with such a wide gap has virtually been discontinued even in my generation (a generation earlier to mine may have a few cases here and there).

But in at least one case I have seen a couple of my earlier generation with 12 years age gap between them. But they got married when the girl was just 14 and had no ideas of her own. At that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands just like creepers winding around the trees.

That acceptance without questioning perhaps brought in a beautiful bondage between them. They were one of very nice couples I had seen in my earlier generation.

But the only problem their marriage faced was that the husband passed away when he was about 70 and his wife, aged 58 had a very long widowhood to be spent without her closest companion around. She is quite fine now, living alone, but the lack of companionship at this old age does show in her emotional life.

All these are what I saw in an earlier generation to me.

Will the present day girl mold her life totally around a “senior” husband unquestioningly? Will their life be free of generation gap? Will the visible differences in looks trouble their life? Will the woman/ man get hurt if someone asks the girl “Is it your father?”

So, naturally there are lots of finer things in the present day state of affairs, mentalities, values, preferences etc. As long as you are willing to give your love as well as respect for your man for the age difference, I sincerely hope things will workout fine.

As long as you do not want one-upmanship in your relationship (like the present day youngsters want) and be content at that, it should be fine. You can definitely bend your man to your ways, but it could be through the force of unconditional love, rather than “demand as a matter of right” like the present day girls tend to do.

So, only a logical analysis about your tastes, temperaments, inborn nature etc without too much of interference of emotions can give give a right solution.

If you logically feel you are safe and also if your emotions say strongly to go ahead, then go ahead — with a commitment to do the needed sacrifice and adjustment in life, all in due respect to the love you have on your man. Then God will be with you.

C.V.Rajan

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Sathish Kumar 4 years ago

hello sir i m 29 years old & my girl to whom i m going to marry is 21 years old. she is well edjucated.she has done her MBA & i m undergraduate.I hv doubt that in future problems will come between us.At present she likes me but i have doubt abt future.i want your advice as soon as possible.I think you are the right person i can ask this question.

Hi Sathish Kumar,

Your girlfriend being better educated (and perhaps more intelligent) than you may come in as a thorn in your relationship, if your conjugal relationship is not built on love, caring, mutual respect and a good sexual life.

If something goes wrong, suddenly this issue may pop up either due to your inferiority complex of due to her superiority complex. If she starts earning more than you, then your complex may increase.

The best way is to talk it out openly now itself between you and make a solemn commitment not to allow education as an ego issue to come up between you. Please try.

C.V.Rajan


Suman 4 years ago

Hi Sir,

I am going to be 25 years old in january and im from india…i have been talking to a guy whom i know from past 2 months over chatting…he is also an indain but working in US from past 3-4 years…we have met only once as a stranger after that we started doing video chatting n all….he is 30 years old….he is good, caring, well settled, broad minded…. Actually i was going through a break up when i started talking to him and after few days he proposed me for marriage…initially i refused but now i have started liking him but him being 30 is preventing me from taking any further decisions. And i also think that its too early for me to get into another relationship as i had a breakup recently and i might be in rush to have someone to fill that gap….but i also dont want to regret that i missed a good opportunity…he fits in my life but this his age is my biggest concern…please help.!!!

Hi Suman,

With a broken relationship just behind you, getting hooked a man through vedio chatting etc etc (without direct face to face contact) is not something digestible to me at my age. I am old fashioned. Sorry! If you are really serious, then involve your parents and his parents. Know the family background, let the parents meet and then proceed with caution.

C.V.Rajan

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Swathi 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

First of all, thank you very much for such an insightful article. I’d also suggest the readers that the points discussed here are from a deeprooted Indian and I hope this prevents people from posting unnecessary and invalid questions for which the answers can be easily found by ‘studying’ the article and the few discussions that follow.

My queries are thus. I turned 21 this year. A medical student from a metro and have been exposed to the ‘modernity’ of the present world recently. By this i mean the valueless baseless moralless principles that are becoming rampant. I come from a traditional well educated South Indian family with value based upbringing. Now my very interest in surfing such articles isthat my parents have started

seeking for suitable alliances. Though it may seem a bit too early for someone who is yet to build a career of her own, there’s a valid reason. My parents had a late marriage(arranged) and they dont want to repeat the same mistake with me. My parents(9 years difference) have completed the successful silver jubilee of their marriage and i go with their opinion of an arranged marriage. Though i’m in agreement with their views i sometimes feel that i’m losing it somewhere. Is arranged marriage considered a weakness and incapability of a lady in modern times? I’m also kind of lost whenever the topic of marriage is raised. I agree with ur reasonable argument on the ideal age gap btw d partners but do you think an age gap of 7 or 8 years is applicable in today’s scenario where even 2 years is considered a generation gap? u might say yes but i really need an unbiased opinion here. It’d also be helpful if u can shed light on how to proceed in a typical Indian marriage(especially for introverts like me!)

Hi Swathi,

Thank you for your thoughtful post. Thanks for pointing out to others who have posted questions without reading the article!

As a man of older generation, I feel happy to come across a girl like you who seems to be comfortable the olden values and lifestyle.

As long as one is intent on a married life, I personally would prefer the marriage of the girl to be conducted around 20 to 24 years. The older one becomes, the tougher it becomes to adjust with a partner smoothly. I too believe that your parents are right in getting you married sooner.

If you are an introvert, I feel it is quite fine and suitable for you to go for arranged marriage, though love marriage is the in-thing today! The only attraction (in the eyes of present generation) in love marriage is that there is this thrill of romance before marriage. Present generation seems to carry a wrong notion that romance becomes non-existant after marriage. For from true. There is scope for romance more after marriage, particularly in arranged marriage, I would say!

Age gap of 2-3 seems to be becoming “normal” these days. But, it is my firm opinion that the benefit of longer age gap will be felt and appreciated more as one gets older.

My satguru Mata Amritanandamayi too spoke in favor of a wider age gap between husband and wife in one of her satsangs, though she acknowledged  that the present generation does not understand or appreciate the nuances behind such practices . So I appear to be safe in my line of arguments.

All the best!

C.V.R

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Cutieee 4 years ago

Hey sir ,Im from srilanka ,im 20 and a uni student .I do accept you 🙂 sir i always liked older guys i never liked my age or 3,4 years oldr guys coz i always wantd a guy who loves ,cares, protects me. I have never dated any guy coz im waitng 4 my soul mate.All of my friends (male& female) want to have fun.me and my dad is nt dat close either. wel recently i flt in love with a guy who is 33 bt he dsnt look 33 @ all he looks like 25 .he is singel ,educated guy bt he is always busy and he keep telng me that he is busy try to undstand n etc we are nt going out he is in abrd dng his phd. Plz sir help me.

Hi Cutee,

A 33 yr old man may give you protection, status, love, comfort etc if he too is serious to marry you; but he will be too matured for a romantic relationship if that’s what you long for (it looks that’s what you want now). At your age, expecting romance is natural. You have to sacrifice something to get something!

C.V.Rajan

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asps 4 years ago

sir, i just went trough your article and wanted to post my life story about my age gap here for some solution from you,Any way i am 33 years old guy. my parents have married me a girl who is 7 years older than me ignoring to me. i have not seen to the girl before my marriage though i stay far from my home in my work place. i always respect and believe to my parents, one day (2/5 years ago) they informed to me that, we have selected to a girl for your marriage, just take leave some days from your office and come to home and get marry and after 2 to 3 days i asked to them about her they said she is good and perfect match for you,i believed their words though i love and respect to my parents.

when i seen to the girl in the marriage day. i came to know that she was not a perfect candidate for me and a doubt came to mind about her age, finally i asked her in my receptions night about her age, she replied me, she is the five years older than me, but after some few days when i seen her date of birth certificate and kundali,i came to know that she is 7+ years older than me, when i asked her why you married me? as you and your family members knows i am is too younger than you. she gave me the example of sachin Tendulkar have married sangita who is 5 years older than him, so where is the problem if i have married you?,

from my receptions night to till date, there is no sex/love comes from my mind for her and also can’t accept her in my heart as a wife. i am just living alone with a disturbing family life in my work place. let me know sir how can i accept her as my wife, how can i keep with her a sexual relationship or stay together with her in my whole life?. what can i do in this situation in my life. A honest request to you for your valuable comments in this regards.

Hello ASPS,

It is painful to read your story. But I wonder how a person of your age can blindly leave a critical matter of your life entirely to the hands of your parents? I am sure there must be some hidden agenda somewhere.

Any way, I cannot offer any suggestions. Please seek guidance from a living saint/ Mahatma if you are spiritually oriented.

C.V.Rajan

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Kate 4 years ago

Hi. I’m happy I got to this site and have gone through quite a number of the questions posed and your responses. I thank God you are able to advice and use your experience to help others.

Now, I have a boyfriend who is 16 years older. I am 29 now and I am very matured and responsible. I have 1 child and he has 2 from a previous marriage. We share a lot of values and interest and have a lot of respect for each other. I think we could have a good life together but I sometimes worry about our age difference. He’s got a lot of experience given he has been married before and has done lots of things in his life. He seems to think that he is getting a second chance with me. I just worry he may be too old for me but I like him a lot. What do you think? I will be very glad to read from you. God bless you always.

Hi Kate,

You have mentioned that you share lots of common values, interest and respect for each other. If there is respect for good values, then the foundation looks strong.

The wider age gap can automatically help you to respect him, but conversely, it may lead to “loss of respect” for you after you get along with each other “without masks” after marriage.

Post marriage, he may tend to treat you as “kid” in your moments of emotional imbalance. As long as you don’t demand respect as a matter of right (which most westerners in marital life seem to do, leading to breakage of relationships) then it should be fine, I believe.

You have got 4/5 years of child bearing age ahead. With 3 existing (and possibly more) kids to take care, I believe the demand of sex will be secondary in your relationship. f your motherly instincts are better developed and if your man is going to love you for it, then the age gap should not matter, I think.

C.V.Rajan

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shafi 4 years ago

hai sir i am shafi 31 years old from India.

I m in love with my cousin (my mother’s brother daughter)

but she is 16 years younger to me. if i marry her any problems please help me on this regard

Hi Shafi,

16 is not a legally and physically correct age of your g/f to get married. Assuming that you get married when she becomes 21, you will be 37 years old!

Oh! If does not sound too good for me. Think again.

C.V.Rajan

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tavus 4 years ago

Hello everyone, i’m a man 44 years old and recently got friendly with a girl who is 24 years. i love her…and for her i’m like ultimate love. i’m unlike my age very young and active and look about 29- 30 years old tall and have a good build and Russian origin. until i saw this web page did not know what age difference can cause. i don’t want to ruin her life and not even my life. i have asked her many times if its fine with her or her parents and she says yes they have no objection. i love her a lot but i’m really confused as what to do? i have never married and this is my first time and perhaps last chance, and that as a love marriage. Please someone guide me…cause even love has made me blind. appreciating any help as already i’m in bad shape after i saw this web site. Thanks in advance.

Hi Tavus,

20 years is too wide a gap in my opinion. You have to think 5 times and you girlfriend has to think 10 times before jumping into marriage. Long term… long term… that’s always my concern.

C.V.Rajan

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KP 4 years ago

Hi C.V.Rajan,

I am in the same situation . My GF is 7 years younger than me. And when I asked her dad that i want to merry her daughter. He is telling me the age difference is unacceptable. what is your opinion ? Is it really unpractical to merry her for me ? My age is 25 and my GF is 19 years old.

Thanks for your Help in advance !

rose 4 years ago

hey i m 35 years old and my bf is 26, and he is deeply in love with me and wants to get married to me, i love him too, just want to have yr opinion about this age difference we shared for a relationship! thx

Ajay Prakash 4 years ago

hey i m 35 years old and my bf is 26, and he is deeply in love with me and wants to get married to me, i love him too, just want to have yr opinion about this age difference we shared for a relationship! thx

presious 4 years ago

hey i m 35 years old and my bf is 26, and he is deeply in love with me and wants to get married to me, i love him too, just want to have yr opinion about this age difference we shared for a relationship! thx

Rose/ Ajay prakash / Presius,

Forget it, if you want peace in life in the long run. (In your case, it may be even for the short run!)

C.V.Rajan

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Esther 4 years ago

Hi CV,am a 24 year old lady and my boyfriend is 25,initially we had bin talkn bwt getting married n all and we love each other very much,but i think our level of maturity is different n i feel our age difference might be a problem in the future,afta havn thot hard i have decided that i should break up with him.But the problem is i dnt knw hw 2 tel him becoz hes so convincd that our relationship can work and he hasn’t done anything wrong.Will it be fair to leave him?

Esther,

You seem to have the right thinking. Pl ask your B/F to read the article and the several comments and discussions here.

C.V.Rajan

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ROBERT 4 years ago

I have been proposing to a girl for more than a year now. In fact we are all dedeicated christians. She still tells me to wait because he doesn’t see me when he prays what should I do. If I dont marry her then I will remain single forever for I love her so much. I’m 22 and she is 21.

Hi Robert,

Today (at 22 years of age) you will say that you will remain single for rest of life without her. At 19, you would have said “I will commit suicide without her”.

At 27 you will be a married person with another girl, and will be walking with your kid in your shoulders!

Life is like that!

C.V.Rajan

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Ana 4 years ago

You are an idiot and this article is useful for narrow minded morons.

Hi Ana,

Thanks for the certificate!

C.V.Rajan

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VIVEK KUMAR 4 years ago

I NEED YOUR SUGGESTION.MY FRIENDS SON IS 22YEARS OLD AND WANT TO MARRIAGE WITH A GIRL WHO IS 4 YEAR ELDER.

IS THIS IS OK.IF NOT THEN WHAT SHOULD WE DO.

THANKS

Vivek Kumar,

22 yrs is too young an age to get married — that too to a 26 year old girl! What sort of mental maturity does the boy have to tackle an over-mature 26? I simply cannot digest such quirky combos!

C.V.

jb 4 years ago

hi,am 27 and 1 year older than my gf.i ve known her since childhood.and we are planning on getting married soon.Are we making the right decision considering our age difference?

HelpSeeker 4 years ago

Sir,

I’m 24 yrs old and I’m falling in love with a girl who may be 4yrs younger to me. She’s my junior at college. Do you think I should go ahead on this? Please help!!!!!!

thank you very much. that was really informing and true to some extent…

mars 4 years ago

hii sir my girl friend is 2 and5 month older than me and i love her from last 10 years n i can’t live without her but there is a problem that she doesn’t love me but i really can’t live without her bcoz she is my first and last love of my life and she is my every thing plz suggest me what should..

guy from andhra 4 years ago

hi sir.

Am 22. a guy who hate taking advises from strangers. but after going thru ur view on this issue. i felt u r the ideal person from whom i can seek help as i cant ask my father abt this issue (typical south indian i am).i have a sis-in-law who is still 14. so she is 8 yrs younger to me. i feel her as an angel and really love her to the most. both my parents and her parents are supportive and very mingle well. the only prob i hv is that i still dint reveal my love to her. i am going abroad for few yrs for my study. when i return she will be 16 to 18(age at which she might get attracted some others. i dont want to loose her. and also i dont think its right to reveal abt my love to her now as she is still small. so i ask ur help. plss help me. thnks in advance. waiting for ur intellectual reply in advance.

Hi Guy from Andhra,

You are right that it is not proper on your part to propose your love to a 14 yr kid.

But I won’t like to extrapolate and scheme for things on what can happen after 3/4 years when you go abroad.

If you worried that the 14 year-old girl can get attracted by another man during your absence, the same thing can happen to you too! Who knows, you may find another angel, more beautiful and more appealing there abroad?!

Marriages are still made in heaven, even though we plan and scheme many things here on earth. So, if your love and attraction for the “14 yr old angel” is strong enough, you may be able to woo her when you come back. Perhaps without the hint of love, you can keep in regular touch that girl through e-mails, by giving her gifts whenever you return to India during the course of your study etc.

If your love is sincere and genuine, perhaps God may come to your help to keep it alive? Who knows?

C.V.Rajan

Celina 4 years ago

Sir,

I am 27yrs old my husband wuld b 41 in march, we’ve been married 4 5yrs wit 3 kids. B4 d marriage, he used to be nice n sweet but Since we got married, he has never been romatic 2 me. He talks n instruct me lyk a maid or a daugter even in public, he wants me 2 always do n accept his wish even if dey are against mine, he always claim 2 b right over every issue we have. It has not been easy 4 me! But dis yr, i have decided 2 plz him no matter wat n sacrifice all my desire n wish of a happy marriage. Since we got married he has been d one taking care of me n right nw i am in d university. He gives me everything but nt love. If i complain about how he is treatin me, he gives several conditions dat i need 2 meet up wit.

Pls. Sir, advice from u wuld be very much appreciated. I am a christian. Thanks in advance.

Celena,

With 14 years age gap, it is but natural that your 41 yr old husband is not offering the “romantic love” that you long for. At 41, he is more of a mature, boss-like, and father-like person.

As a Christian, you are already following Bible’s way of being obedient and respectful to your husband. He is also giving you love, affection and protection in his own way but perhaps with the romanticism of youth missing! What to do? Take it as God’s will and accept what God has given you.

Who knows, had you married a man just 2/3 years older, you might have got romantic love, but perhaps the care, security, wisdom, mental balance and mental maturity may be missing and you might be longing for them from him at times!

Acceptance is the key to peaceful life.

C.V.

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Pawan kumar 4 years ago

HATS OFF!!!!! SIR FOR YOUR NICE SUGGESTIONS ON SUCH TYPE OF PROBLEMS…….. KEEP IT UP!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU WITH A LONG AND PROSPEROUS LIFE…………….

Hi Pawankumar,

Thanks a lot for your kind words of appreciation and wishes.

C.V.Rajan

beaconhouse 4 years ago

hi,

Really nice article you wrote, I want to discuss one or two things with you. I am 25 and my parents wants me to marry a girl who is 19. After reading your article I think their might be benefit for both of us. Also I want to ask your opinion on marrying within the family, because the girl im talking about is also my cousin. Keep posting good articles, thanks

Help Seeker,

I don’t see any problem!

C.V.

JB,

A girl known from chilhood. One way, she is a known devil and thus better than an unknown angel! If you are the type who would rather go for a comfortable, known and predictable way of life, perhaps it may be fine. But there is another side – “Familiarity breeds contempt” so goes the old saying. Think and decide what is comfortable for you.

C.V.

Beaconhouse,

Age difference in your case is good. But marrying a “cousin”? What exactly is the relationship? Is she your father’s sister’s daughter? Is she your mother’s brother’s daughter? In olden days, such marriages were quite common. But biologically, such marriages are not preferred by scientists, because of the fact that the offspring from such marriages have possibility of propagating genetically carried ailments (like diabetes, hyper tension etc) in a stronger way. But, culturally, such marriages are still practiced in India, mostly in rural areas.

C.V

Mars,

I am not an emotional or sentimental guy who can ever understand statements like “I can’t live without her” and “first and last love”, especially when the “older” girl has no love for you!

Come on guy! There are umpteen girls around this world! How do you know for sure that this is your “last love”? Time will cure every hurt, make you forget your emotional quirks, your boyish idiosyncrasies as you grow older and mature!

Grow up man!

C.V.

Bhadra 4 years ago

Honestly, if I want to marry a man a year younger than me, and we are very happy with each other, what is the problem? I find it more acceptable than marrying a man ten years older.

hisicha 4 years ago

I and my husband is 10 years apart. I am 25 and he is 35. My equation for age gap between husband n wife is

husband age + wife age divided by 2

in my case

35+25/2=30

so we both have to act as if we both are 30 years old

calculate urself

thanx

Piyush 4 years ago

Hello, I love a girl who is 24 and I am 18.. But we both love each other very much … So is it sured that we will get problems later?

Hisicha,

A very interesting calculation indeed and it makes sense too!

C.V.

Piyush,

Let us assume that you will be ready for marriage by 26 mentally (with the needed maturity for a married life) and financially. At that time, your “woman” will be 32 years old! She will have just 3 more years of safe child bearing age.

When you will be a mature, still young man at 40, your wife will be a rather middle-age-approaching lady of 46.

You decide for yourself.

C.V.

rose 4 years ago

my age is 19 and my boy friend age is 21.we r loving each other.there is any problem to marry my boy friend.any age problem is there to marry.

Praveen 4 years ago

Dear Sir

I m 28 and getting proposal to marry a girl 21 yrs of age. I am well over with a 3 yrs relationship which was 6 years back. It’s my parents wish for me to get married soon as I am their only child. But I want some more time to settle in my career as I have just completed my studies and started working. Apart from these factors, the girl doesn’t have any professional education and I do believe in a working couple. Rest all like our physical compatibility, astro, family are matching well. What should i do? Will be thankful for your suggestion.

Praveen,

28 + 21 is a very good age combo in my opinion. Regarding your other aspirations (to settle in a career, to have a career for your wife too etc) are fine, but if your independent earning is good enough to run a decent family life (without extravaganza, without borrowing money, without going for for big loans to buy a car or a flat in a hurry!!) I personally feel a romantic and affectionate married life will be possible for you. Putting too many “I want this way only” has the potential to spoil the joy of a marriage at the early years!

You decide!

C.V.Rajan

Raaj 4 years ago

Hi Rajan Sir,

I simply loved the care and attention you paid while writing each of your comments. And of course, not to mentioned the pearls of wisdom you shared in these comments.

Even a casual read of these comments is immensely beneficial to all.

I want to congratulate you whole-heatedly and please keep up the good work…

May god smile upon you and your family always sir..

Take care and regards…

– Raaj.

Hi Raaj,

Thanks a lot for your kind words of appreciation and wishes.

C.V.

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Lili 4 years ago

i am 34 my boy friend is 26 , it has been 1year and half since we met each other he wants me to marry with him but i have a fear for my future , pleas help

Lili,

Think of this. In another 2/3 years, you will be out of safe child bearing age. God forbid, if you could not conceive during this period, what happens?

Let us look ahead further after 10 years. You will be a woman of 44, soon approaching your menopause. At that time your hubby will still be a youthful 36. If there were no kids for you, what sort of bondage will keep your “still young” husband hooked to a near-middle-aged woman that will be you?

Your boy friend is rather a boy now. As a mature woman you should use your head and take a balanced decision.

C.V.Rajan

sanjay 4 years ago

Hello sir,

I am 31 and half and I m in a good job. I got a proposal for a girl who is 20 yr old and doing her graduation( Part I). Girl is beautiful.She and her parents are ready for this marriage, but I worried about the 12 year age gap between us and also about her studies. Is it true that after 50 year of age, men starts to look more older than women?Please advise me what should I do?

Sanjay,

It is fairly true. Unless men take serious efforts to moderate diet, do good exercise to keep them very fit, and use a fair doze of hair dye, the aged look beyond 50 cannot be avoided. With 12 years of age gap, assuming that your wife retains a fairly young look, there is always a risk of someone asking you, “Is that your daughter?”

If you and your wife could be mature enough to laugh it away, it will be fine! For that, you have to really become very close and affectionate couples. For that, you have to put extra efforts to “close the age gap” between you by being affectionate, loving, and above all “romantic” (that’s what many girls want to day) right from the beginning.

Please talk to the girl frankly and then decide.

All the best

C.V.Rajan

sanjay 4 years ago

sir, one aspects is the looking(father and daughter) in large age gap( 12 year). sir, what about the sexual relation after say after 10 years.( groom- 32 yrs and bride- 20 yrs)

Sanjay,

Men with good physique, peaceful mind and adequate time to spend in home without tension(not like the too-busy executives of today who slog out in IT firms from morning till midnight) can be sexually active till even 60 years of age. A man of 32 years can definitely be a “mature performer” having the right attitude towards sex with emphasis and keenness of intent in satisfying the partner (rather than doing a selfish and hurried act).

If that maturity and with a natural urge and flair for sex exists in the man, then both the partners are greatly benefited. For the man — a very young and physically attractive partner to make love with. For the woman, a wonderful performer who can take her to great heights! If such a chemistry works out, the woman will become madly full of love for her man, unmindful of the age gap.

If such a chemistry can exist by God’s grace between the couple, sex is no issue. It can be great. It can continue for years further. In the previous generations, it did.

C.V.

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YK 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

I’m in a very serious problem with my gf now.. I just got to know yesterday that she would be 26 this year and i’m 22… I love her so much and we’ve been together for almost 2 years now and we have not been happy after we got to know that i am about 4 years younger than her… I’m finding quite difficult to let go of her and i really can’t believe that i’ve wept so much because of her.. I don’t know if i should let her leave my life or still continue with the relationship cos i don’t intend to get married in the next years even though i don’t have any problem with her age. She knew i was younger all these while and she had been showing me respect like i was quite older than her. I’m so confused right… I need an help soon please. Thank you

YK,

This is my personal opinion: If a girl knows pretty well that you are younger (but you didn’t know it all along), it means she was intentionally hiding it to you and she is the sort of girl who wants to dominate and keep things the way she wants it. Perhaps that face is not revealed now as a lover.

Assuming that you are ready for marriage at 27, she would be 31-yer-old woman at that time, with 4 years of safe child-bearing age ahead of her.

Please think and decide.

C.V

Ven 4 years ago

Hi, i am 23 this year and my boyfriend is 2 years younger to me, is it a bad idea? Will there be any odd issues later on in life, we just met and are going out for 3 weeks now. Kindly advise.

Hi Ven,

My views are expressed in the article and in so many other replies.

C.V

nikita 4 years ago

hello sir my name is nikita and my age is 18 yr. i m very confuse bcoz my father see a boy and his age is 28yr he is 10year elder for me. so what can i do this is good or bad for my life plz suggest me.

Hi Nikita,

10 year age gap is rather high in the present day standards. If you are agreeable to a man who may tend to boss over you, who will be affectionate but not too romantic, whose opinions may be found to be a shade old fashioned to you and hence indigestible to you on occasions and if you are essentially a timid and submissive girl by nature, then go ahead.

C.V.Rajan

Katie 4 years ago

I’m 17 and my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been together for a year and two months and I don’t think we will ever break up. Our love runs deep and we’ve been through a lot together. From both our parents going through divorces, to breaking bad addictions, to starting healthy lifestyles together, we’ve gone thought it all. I’m worried about going to college because I don’t want him to follow me and ruin the great life he has made here for himself, but I don’t want to break up either. We will definitely do the long distance thing and I know it will work because I’m going to an ivy league college and he is great at long distance relationships. Even if we stay together for a while, is 8 years too much? I know the article says no but I want your honest opinion. I do not doubt my love for him. I doubt if we’ll be ready for the same things at the same time. Hes ready to get married and buy a house, im still working on my SAT scores… Is our age difference too much?

Katie,

If your fundamentals of values and principles about a good married life for the life-time are firm, if you are mature enough to accept the realities of the age gap (it has been discussed across several replies), I do feel that you can go ahead with the relationship. 8 year age gap was normal in my generation, though not now.

C.V.

keeks 4 years ago

Wow, what a bunch of anecdotal BS. You obviously have NO idea what you are talking about. Social psychology research has clearly indicates that older woman/younger man marriages are among the healthiest. Do your research.

4 years ago

dats right…relatipnship depnds upon love not age..

Ellana 4 years ago

Oh . My God you are so agist, good job you’re in India!! you can keeop your agist comments in India!!!

Ellana 4 years ago

I think this is typical of muslim countries!! an old man can marry a teenager if he has money…you are ”totally against” older woman marrying younger man right?? suppose you think an old woman is anyone over 25? My guy IS older than me but that’s by the by. God help women in those countries I say!! they get treated like chattels, cooks and cleaners and no matter how fresh and young they may be, will end up looking like homely old maids at beyond 30.

Keeks, m and Ellena,

It is true that I write as an Indian, mostly to Indian audience who find our age-old wisdom as not something to be thrown to dustbins.

In India, the ideal is a long term relationship. It is a culture still sustaining over tens of thousands of years. Our value systems are different from the west, though western influence is very strongly shaking the cultural basement nowadays.

Peace and harmony are the watchwords in an ideal Indian marriage. Sacrifice more than freedom of choice is always given importance for sustaining the marriage. It is however true that in the adjustment process, women have to sacrifice more. In India, motherhood is the fruit of marriage for women. Traditionally, women are prepared to give that extra pound of flesh to be excellent mothers by living together with the father of her children for life.

To achieve that, the tips given here (in this article and the replies) are expected to be useful.

Ellena – India is a typical Hindu country – not a muslim country, though a vast population of Muslims too are living in India.

C.V.Rajan

cj 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

I have a big dilemma, I am 23 years old young lady and my boyfriend is 41 years old guy. and our age gap is 18 years. both of us are christian but at one point, our friends & family keep on telling the both of us that we are fishing at the wrong pond. Should we consider our fam & friends opinion or just go on with our relationship and we just dated for 1 month plus.

cj,

Just dating for 1 month and you want to jump into a relationship with a “father like” figure? 10 years from now, you will be a 33 year old, still looking young lady and the man will be 51 year old middle age-crossed person. It is quite likely that some one may ask you about your husband “”Is that your father?”

I would rather like you to listen to your family and friends.

C.V.

sj 4 years ago

Hi, I just came to know about your wonderful site! I am 27yrs this November . Got a marriage proposal from a guy, who seen my profile in matrimony. she is 23-6-1994 born..and am 80 born 2-11-1984. The groom is 9 yrs elder to me. Will that work out in the long run?Pl reply at the earliest. Thanks .

kabir 4 years ago

i am 7month younger dan my girlfrnd n we want to get married is there any problem in that ??

any suggestion ??

Abhi 4 years ago

Dear sir,

I m 30 and my marriage is fixed by the guardians with a girl of 20. Is it right ?

Abhi,

Please read several of my earlier comments which deal with similar questions.

C.V.

hannah 4 years ago

Hi sir,

I m now 19 yrs old and my boyfriend is only 24 days elder yo me….so m really very confused to myslf, and also we love each other very much and we planned to get married only after completing our higher engineering studies both of us …

So sir, i will be very happy if you guide me with your opinion because both of us me and my bf wans to live a very very happy life…n i dont want to make his life unhappy later by being not perfect wife.

Hannah,

Actually everyone wants to have a “very very happy life” (and married life in particular) but somewhere on the way, we lose track!

In your case, age gap is quite fine, provided you get married at the right age (between 21-23 for a girl, in my personal opinion). Then you will have the right age, romance, absence of too-much-grown-up-syndrome to enjoy the little pleasures of of the age and so on.

Unfortunately, for many people, educational goals, career goals etc come on the way to play spoilsport on the simple and memorable pleasures of early married life. If one partner is willing to adjust and sacrifice more, then at least one person can run behind goals and the other one will be available for support.

If both run after goals, then the marital life gets secondary importance and the joy of togetherness gets diluted. Then “very very happy life” becomes a mirage!

All the best to you.

C.V.Rajan

hannah 4 years ago

Thank you very must sir, for your responds to my problem……yes sir it is vry difficult for two person to live a very happy life for forever. And sir one thing again i will like to get from you…..i mean does lovers of same year can live happily later? Or is their any sexual problem when girl becomes same age to boy and he loses his attraction towards his wife in middle age i life?

C.V.Rajan 4 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

anna 4 years ago

I am 6 months older than my boy friend. any suggestion?

jas 4 years ago

hello sir my age is 27 nd my girfriend’s age is 22 nd our parents are ready for marriage ,but i think that she is too young than me guide me sir

Graina 4 years ago

If I may be honest, I am just amused by the conviction with which you have written such a superficial fragment of thought.

Graina,

Whether it is superficial or not depends on whether a sound logical argument is presented or not. I believe it has been presented, as this article of mine is the most read and most commented articles of all my articles in the web.

I don’t do any promotion of this article. No back links. I get about 10,000 page views a month for this article.

C.V.

gita 3 years ago

sir like anna said is there any physical problems or mental problems in having any relation with a younger boy bth only in some months difference ??

gita 3 years ago

* bt only in some month difference. 🙂

jas 3 years ago

thank you sir, for your response…

Ourladyofsowrrows 3 years ago

Really if you really love the person then go for it. Age is but a number and always will be but if you 16 and you marry a 56 year old man and or women. Then that’s a huge gap. But if you are 18 and you marry a 19 year then so be it.

gita 3 years ago

thank you for your suggestion Ourladyofsowrrows 🙂 i really liked what you said 🙂

C.V.Rajan 3 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

gita,

It’s all about longevity of a good marital relationship that involves love, affection, care, good sex and financial stability — all to be considered in the long run. Sex may not be the issue when you both are, say, upto 30 years old. But at the age of 45, the man may start looking elsewhere for sex, if there is no good marital bondage in all other respects.

C.V.

gita 3 years ago

Thanku sir 4 ur nice advice i will keep in mind 🙂

Imran 3 years ago

Hello sir, I am from Tamilnadu and of 82 born in muslim family.. Recently I got a proposal for marriage of girl born in 80. My family is not OK with this age difference. We both are professionally well qualified. I need your suggestion whether to go ahead on this or not. I haven’t met this girl. But planning to meet and decide on further proceedings after detailed discussion with her. I need your help to decide.

Imran,

It depends on whether such a marriage is prevalent widely in your culture. If it is so, what is your observation of similar couples in your community? Do they lead a healthy and comfortable married life?

If I am right, male domination is still strong in Muslim societies (stronger than Hindu families). Naturally, that one-upmanship mentality will be strong amidst Muslim men, I suppose. If that is the natural tendency, then I would say that man should be the senior partner in marriage.

The above is to do with the cultural aspects. The biological and other psychological advantages behind men marrying younger women are already elaborated in my article.

C.V.

Ujunwa 3 years ago

I am dating with a boy dat is 21 year old and am 19 geting 2 20 is normal if we proceed 2 marriage

A.L 3 years ago

I love this girl who is 19 and i am 20, we are planning to get married very soon. But i am worried because the age difference is very small, please advise me. Is this a right/wrong decision

P.S i love her very much

mj 3 years ago

l think age doesn’t matter in a relationship but it depends how much u care for eachother..so marrying a older woman is not so bad as said by cv..so keep on all lovers

MOON 3 years ago

HELLO,

I AM 19 YEARS OLD AND MY GIRL FREIND IS 37 YEARS OLD SHE WANT TO MARRY WITH ME IS IT RIGHT PLEASE HELP ME????

C.V.Rajan 3 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

Hi Moon,

At 19 you are a boy for sure, but I get bemused when you call a 37 year old lady as a “girl”friend!

If that lady is filthy rich, is going to give you access to all her wealth to you after marriage and if she is going to leave behind all that she has, in your name after her death, then go ahead and marry her!!

C.V.

Angel 3 years ago

hi sir, I am 17 and my bf is 23. we have five and a half years difference. we are happy together but I do get confuse sometimes because of the age difference. we are planning to get married when i turn 21. we are happy together. we understand each other but the age difference really makes me think about it once.

do you think it work in future??

Angel,

Why? What is the problem? If you have read my article, yours is a nice age difference according to me.

C.V.

Angel 3 years ago

It is a good age difference, but because he is older than me, i always get to hear from my friends that “don’t go out with him, he is older than you”. i can’t take him out with my friends because he doesn’t get involved with us, and i am scared that it can keep happening in future as well.

Angel,

While friends circle seems to be the most important thing when you are not married, it is not so after marriage. After marriage, friendship with the spouse is the most important thing. If a nice friendship develops between husband and wife, then old friendships fade away (or become much less significant) gradually.

Going around with a “boy” of your age may look most attractive and the in-thing to do, but need not really be good for you when the relationship ripens to a marriage.

C.V.

Deepika Arun 3 years ago from Chennai, India

You are a SUPER HIT dad! 😉 Future la sema profession in hand! 😉

Ashok Kumar T 3 years ago

Sir Genius sir neenga.. Deepika: U must be proud of ur dad !!!! I wonder how this man attained this much of vast knowledge about relationship.. Sema gethu ..

Angel 3 years ago

That made me feel so much better sir. Thanks a ton!!

Thank you.

pawan kumar 85 3 years ago

hello sir last week i had share my porblem with you but i did not give your suggestion. this time again i am requesting you to suggest me my problem is- i born in january 1985 and my girl friend born in 25-09-1990. i want to go for marrige with her . i just want to know is it long age gape . should i continue this relation or quite it. people used to tell us that we have long gape plz suggest me what should i do

Pawankumar,

If you had read my article, you would have found that it has already been answered. It is my opinion that 5 years is a nice age gap.

C.V.

praveen 3 years ago

hi sir , iam age of 27 n her age is 16 i dont know whether it will work out n what to do but i dont want to cheat her . can i marry her is there any problem of getting married . plz message me soon as possible

C.V.Rajan 3 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

Praveen,

You will marry the girl when she turns 21? That’s 5 years from now. At that time, you will be 32 year old! Too long an age gap as well as too long a period (5 years) to imagine what can happen in these 5 long years!

C.V.

Sudha 3 years ago

my name is sudha.i am 25 years and my husband is 37.we crossed our 2 years after marriage.we are living happily.

At the time of marriage i thought age difference is not one mainthing.but my friends married with correct age gap(2-5)years.They are telling u r wrong!.i am confused. plzzz give me the solution.

sudha 3 years ago

sir plz give me the solution.i felt very guilty to discuss this problem with others.give the sln as soon as possible.

Hi Sudha,

You have said you are married for 2 years and you are living happily. Then what? Such age gaps were common in earlier generations and there were couples leading happy married lives. So what is the problem? Acceptance is the key to a good marriage. Ignore comments from friends; ignore what is discussed in this article.

It is your life. It has been fixed in a particular way by God already. And you are happy! Don’t allow any other negative thoughts to confuse you. You will have a long and happy married life together for the years to come.

All the best.

C.V.

sameer 3 years ago

sir,

I got married a women who is 7 years old than me,i did not know about her age before, when i asked her age about before my marriage to their family members, her elder sister was told me her wrong information about her date of birth as she was too old. i got marry in arrange marriage as per my parents wish. after my marriage one day i asked to my wife about her age? she replied me that she is older than me and after that when i checked her date of birth certificate i came to know that she is 7 years old than me, since that day i could not keep a proper relationship as like as husband & wife with her. many questions is coming to my mind which makes me distress, disturbance and a unhappy family life.i am living alone in my workplace since that day. love, affections, sex would not comes to my mind for her. i have no kids.i got married in last 3 years back. could you please sir guide me in this regards, what should i do in this situation?

Hello Sameer,

It is painful to read your story. But I wonder how a person of your age can blindly leave a critical matter of your life entirely to the hands of your parents? I am sure there must be some hidden agenda somewhere.

Any way, I cannot offer any suggestions. Please seek guidance from a living saint/ Mahatma if you are spiritually oriented.

CVR

Gauri 3 years ago

Hello sir,

I m 23 and my parents have arranged my marriage with a 29 year guy who is well settled.we know each other from a couple of months & i like almost everything about him. despite of this i think that i m getting married at very early age and so a bit disturbed whether everything will be alright after our marriage???Actually i had never expected that all these things would be settled so early.Please guide me how to handle this.

Hello Gauri,

It looks everything perfect to me in your case and I wonder what is there to worry about! 23 is too young to get married? What do you mean? To me, it is the perfect age! At 23, you are mature, physically quite youthful, should be quite attractive too, will have the charm of a girl still that will be a great attraction to your man!

The older you grow, the more womanish you become. With it comes more “I-want-it-this-way-only” attitude, inflexibility, difficulty in give-and-take etc. You will have a long period ahead of you to plan your pregnancy and perhaps if you are careful, you can enjoy the joy of togetherness with your partner for long before you become a mother.

I am afraid girls of present generation are not looking deeper into such aspects and simply follow what every one says in the peer group!

C.V.

Gloria 3 years ago

Hello, I read you’re page here and found it quite informative! I agree with most everything you’ve said. My boyfriend is 14 years older than me, (20 and 34). Your thoughts? We have a serious relationship and are going to get married within the next few years. He is immature for his age, while I am mature for my age, and we are almost on the same level. He also looks closer to being 25 rather than his actual age. Do you think this relationship could work with the respective age gap? Thank you!

Gloria,

Some women are comfortable with a “fatherly” person as their husbands. If they get into marriage fully grasping the limitations of the large age gap and if there is a genuine bondage of love that can stand the test of time for long, it could work out.

There are two or three major impediments:

1) Aged look of a the husband after, say, 15 years from now. There is a possibility that someone may refer to your husband as your “father”. You and your hubby must be able to laugh it away.

2) The husband must be mature enough not to be jealous or make issue if you happen to talk friendly with younger males; for some men, such inferiority complex may come.

3) If the husband dies, say at 75, the wife will be hardly 61 and she will have a long widowhood to spend without company.

You can think over and decide. If a strong bond of love exists and if it is really true(!), then both of you can sit together and take a favorable decision.

C.V.

Harnapauri 3 years ago

I m a bishnupriya manipuri(hindu) (non-tribal manipuri) boy, I m in love with a christian girl. But the problem is not our community is very strict, our caste is kshatriyi but we are very near to brahmins also because a brahmin can eat food when we cook food. For this reason our caste status very high. We cannot marry any another with community of mainline hindus also, except with the other manipuries. So my lover being christian will totally be not allowed. What should I do? Will I leave her or go on with her?

subramanian 3 years ago

Sir,

I am in love with a girl 5 years younger than me.I am 27 and she is 22,we have a good chemistry with each other but she is still a kid who has serious career ambitions.I am at a well developed stage of my career and am patient and mature in the relationship but she is often very stubborn prioritizing her education over even contacting me and leaves me high a dry for a longtime.Whenever we talk i can see and feel the love in her eyes but then her priorities seem to strong for us to run a regular,practical relationship. what do you think?

Hi Subramanian,

It looks it is one of the present day trends of girls, for whom marriage is not in the priority list even at the right age of marriage (21-24)! It looks some fun in the form of love, or flirting or some romantic encounters is fine, but it need not necessarily end up in marriage quickly!

It looks present day girls prefer a much shorter age gap (2/3) because they want the boy to be in tune with her career ambitions; their dominance needs to be accepted by the boys. They think the age for marriage is somewhere in 26/27 only when they start losing their girlish charm.

Perhaps I am an old man, getting out of tune with the present day trends and crying hoarse to a dwindling audience why time-tested practices are still valid.

I feel that if priorities are different and if one has limited scope for adjusting and sacrificing for the sake of the other, then tough times are ahead if the relationship were to end up in marriage.

C.V.

ailin 3 years ago

im 31 years old my boy friend he is 29 ,we meet each other in univercity ,he was my teacher ,i loved him so much but to night i leaved him ,beacause he said to me we cant marry never with each other because you older than me ,we just can be friend, i live in muslim country, he said in our tradition it couldent be , after 5 month,i feel my hurt is broken but i think i can find my way again .i want to open my hurt to the world,i say to my self dont give up tommorow is another day.

nima 3 years ago

i m a girl of 15 yrs and i m getting married with 29 yr old guy…..actually itz a love marriage and our parents have agreed to it . if i want my kids after 7 yrs of my marriage i.e afta completing my 12 cls…….so will it be fyn or any problemmmm???

Angela 3 years ago

I married my husband at age 35. He is 13 years older than I am. I am pleased to say that 14 years later, with him helping me raise my three boys from a previous marriage, our marriage is stronger than ever. Not that the trip hasn’t been rocky (at year 3 and then again at year 5) but we held on, found our way back to each other and are at such a good place. It can be done and done well.

ritish 3 years ago

hello sir. iam so proud of you you wrote this page as a indian. now i come to my problem i go to marriage with a girl she is 7 years younger than me. and iam phsicaly well but god gives very black color.but she is fair. so realy afraid this cause she did not like me.i am very confused .please give me a good answer.

Smita 3 years ago

Helo sir…..! I am 23 yr old girl…my boy is 4 months younger than……he is currently working in an MNC is it ok to marry him….am confused abt this…..kindly help me out… Thanx a ton smita!

 

C.V.Rajan 3 years ago from Kerala, IndiaHub Author

Smitha,

Read the article and some of the subsequent Q & As. Then it is up to you to decide what is good for you!

C.V.Rajan

Anisha 3 years ago

C.V.Rajan sir,When you are in love with someone do you think age gap matters?

Anisha,

When you are in love, many things including age gap do not matter. After marriage, many things that didn’t matter when you were in love can turn to become matter of concern in practicality!!

C.V

Subrata 3 years ago

Sir, I want to get marry a girl 16 year younger to me.I am 35, she is 19.I am science graduate.She is studing graduation.She respects me a lot.Our mentality is same.Her parents want to marry her with me. But she want to marry me after the completion of her graduation.I will have to wait her for 2 years.The age gap is also a problem.What should I do? Please give me sussetion.

Subrata,

16 years is too long a gap. As she gets matured while she completes her studies, who knows how her mind set may change in the next couple of years?

Think of 5 years from now. You will be 40 and she will be 24. Assuming that you don’t get a child at that period, she may still look youthful, young and attractive like an unmarried woman. What will be your feelings if she mingles and laughs with her male colleagues of her age freely? Will you get depressed? Will you become too possessive and start doubting your wife’s fidelity?

Think of 15 years from now. You will be a middle aged person at 50 and she will still be a woman at 34. What if someone asks her, pointing at you, “Is that your father?”

What I am trying to say is, whether such things happen or not, any large deviations from normal practices have every potential to complicate life.

C.V.

Subrata 3 years ago

Sir, I understand your words. I am100% sure she will get merry to me.Althoug I am 35 but any one can guess I am below 30 due to my sleem and low hieght physical appearence.We are belongs to village in medium standard family. I have seen sevaral succsessful such couples in my locality. I cannot think other as my wife.Please show me a way.

Subrata 3 years ago

And also a problem for me that in my area maximum girls are available for marriage between 18 to 20.It is also a headache.Only ugly girls are available 20 onwards.

Subrata,

If you are from village and if long standing practices in the culture in around your village generally accept such a wide age gap and if your girl does not really analyze too much about it and accept it as a reality, then I think you can go ahead!

All the best to you!

C.V.

Subrata 3 years ago

Thank you for your suggestions.

CC 3 years ago

I married a man seven years younger than me and we’re happy. Your opinion or anyone else’s doesn’t really matter much to either one of us.

Mohsin ali 3 years ago

“Hey cv.rajan you r just a big looser, and even not a word of your article has any significance. You r a totally biased person towards man and you lied a number of times in the article”. All the readers please dont follow this bullshit . I am writing a counter article in response to this bullshit which will guide you correctly and will elaborate all the aspects of this important issue.

First of all there is no such thing that females mentally matures significantly earlier than males, if it is true than why in most of love marriages, couples are of same age???. The reason is that girls and boys matures simaltaneously and their mental levels are almost same at same age so they get involved in each other and fall in love. In united states, more than 50% couples have an age difference of 1-2 years. Now if we talk about physical maturity than if a girl gets menses at 13 than a boy will most probably ejaculate at 15 so its mean that there is no such significant difference as cv.rajan point out.

Couples of same age are like friends which live their life with mutual understanding and no sense of greatness is developed in males, but conservatives minded man like cv.rajan who wants to rule over women, wants a larger age gap to achiêve this goal . So in my opinion cv.rajan article is a bullshit, having no logical ground, and completely biased. I recommend all the readers not to follow the advice of this ill-minded person and choose partner you think you want and you love regardless of his/her AGE.

Tracy 3 years ago

My 17 year old son has started dating a 32 year old woman. That woman was once my best friend of 15 years. I feel devistated. His maturity is also very young. I feel she’s taken advantage of him.

Snigdha 3 years ago

Hi Sir, Im in love with a person of my age(22) since 6 yrs. As u said gals are more matured when compared to guys of this age, yes thats exactly whats happening here with me. My Dad expired when I was 14 yrs old. And Mom is actually against to him due to religion and also he does’nt have a job too. We love each other but Im not succeding in explaining him about his responsablites, and I don’t want to go against my mom. Please suggest me how to succeed in explaining him his responsiblites so that we togather can convince my mom. and I dont have much time coz mom is busy searching a partner for me. I want to make a best relation with my love with the acceptance of my mom coz my younger sis however supports me.

Sir please do reply as soon as possible.

THANK YOU SIR (in adv)

Snigdha,

Oh you have multiple love-complications: Getting into love trap right at the immature age of 16 with a “boy” of your same age, boy belonging to another religion and the boy having no job! If I were your mom, I too won’t get convinced by any arguments or suggestions! I am sorry, I am useless to help you!

C.V.Rajan

Tan 3 years ago

Hello sir,

M now 21 yrs old and my boy friend is 23 yrs old but he said he can’t get married before he is 33. That mean den my age will be 31. Getting married at dat older age, will it be right thing for us?

Tan,

31 years, in my opinion is too old for a woman to get married. You have to wait 9 years to get married and you will keep “loving” each other till such time? I don’t believe this. Perhaps your boy friend wants to escape from you by suggesting like this!

C.V.Rajan

im UC4real 3 years ago

my guy is 16yrs older than me. He talks too much and misunderstands me alot, now he wants to marry me. I need pieces of advice fast becos he’s serrious

Pallavi 3 years ago

Hello Sir,

Please do read the below confused love story of mine & kindly help me to understand myself & love.

In between of my 10th Pre-board & 11th standard I fall in a relationship with a neighbour who came from other city to mine. He born in Apr’1980 & I am in Sep’1988. He proposed me for marriage only & I wasn’t that much mature at time but I accepted the proposal. I think I accepted the same at that time because he told me that his family background is very strong, he works in a good company, earns well, he had good gadgets, his way of living was good actually in a rented flat opposite to my house with his other friends who came with him for doing job, etc., everything was seeming compatible to my family background. In initial months only he told me that he had a affair at his school times with his classmate to which he was thinking to continue further for marriage but she walking away with someone else & get married. Might be emotionally & financially I got attracted toward him as I wanted the same partner which he showed me, but that was not the current position of his, at that time I didn’t bothered about the age gap, caste & looks (seems older than his age, broad face) due to which now I am worried as I look younger that my actual age.

We were meeting regularly, 3month later of our relation my parents got to know about it with very bad wordings from someone else telephonically. They beat me a lot. He moved himself with his friends to another flat which was far from my house but in same locality. No one knows with whom my relation was, but my elders brother had a doubt on him. After my school hours we were used to meet or atleast to see each other. One day my one brother saw him & gone to his flat with his friends & raised hands on him. Afterwards, atleast my one brother used to take me along to school/center of exam of 10th board. In 11th Standard, I started bunking the school then after a month only my brother caught me. My parents & brothers restricted me to go to school. Then whole 11th standard with the permission of school I stayed in home. In that duration when I was in home, my brother tried to brain wash by stating that he has leaved you & gone to his hometown for getting married, he used you, etc. But I was in touch with him over the phone which was given by him to me to which I hide in some corner. As I was in touch with him, my parents failed to brainwash & my destiny take me in a strong relation (7years passed). They thought that now he really gone to his home town but he wasn’t. In 12th, I was freely going school, i gone for a sports trip to out of my city where he came in the same train (I wasn’t aware). In 4-5days journey he was just seeing me, we not met as my teachers were also with me.

Now, at the time of 2nd year of graduation, however, my parents were aware that I still have relation with him but they were saying nothing. Likewise whole graduation gone on parents part. But, however, at this graduation period, specially in 2nd year, we were meeting, spending time together but also fighting. I was very much uncomfortable to introduce him to my friends as all my friend’s BF was of same age, handsome & smart, had strong family background, which he said earlier for making impression but that was in his past before meeting me. At the time of his initial college days, his father expired as he had brain tumor due to which he came in our city to do some work. And his graduation is also not completed. Whatever I demanded, he very well tried to gave me, infact he gave, whether financially or emotionally, in front of God we get married as well. As forced by me, he bought a home on loan (down payment arranged by me but he has to pay yet), he’s trying to get designation also (toward that he working hard on based on his experience as his qualifications are not upto the mark). He’s used to use some homecare products also to make me feel good that he’s trying his level best for looking good by face. He not even eat properly three times meal in a day but still he’s putting on his weight. He & I know that till the time these things will not be remove from my mind, love can’t find it’s way but this is not happening. Now, after completing the graduation, in these 2 years of job, I have changed a lot. I believe in practical life ( in my words, be happy with money, own home, good standard of living & of course these are along with love and trust by husband/wife) & he believes in emotional life (love, care & respect). I appreciate & I love to see this that someone is loving me so much that even after knowing that even after 7years of relation to whom he love, she’s in doubt that whether he loves him or not. I have complaints against his looks, position, qualification, etc. But yes, these 7years whether passed on doubt but was basically based on his love & affection which he gave & giving me till date. He demanded love & care from my end which are over passing by these materialistic things, now-a-days which are requirement, I think.

We, now he’s also started to think that can we live together forever with each other. We almost fights daily due to some or the other reason and that is because I points out his weakness as same comes in front of me in different-different situations.

? I want to know, is this a love which I do with him? If yes then why the equation “if A=B & B=C then A=C” not fits into it. If he loves me & care for me, thinks about me & forget rest everything then why I can’t do the same?

? Should we continue the relation? If yes then is this will run like this only as it is running (daily fighting), scared of facing divorce situation, we have to get marry publically in next 1-2years max anyhow as we can’t linger on it more than this time period. And if not then what I will do, who will understands me, who’ll bear my tantrums?

? I don’t think about my parents even, but when they hurt, I hurt also. Same is like with him. Is this not a love or this is selfishness, which I think I do so.

? He earns 30k. Recently, got the promotion on mail/announcement been made as a floor manager in his Call Center company but salary not raised nor official documents received. And I am also doing job & earning 18k but whatever I am earning I am spending on me (including gifts to him & others & savings) & will spend on me further (without any boundation)

? I don’t want to listen/accept that I don’t love him but if I love him then why I do so which hurts him a lot. If I don’t love him then in practical way, it would be better to leave as most of the persons do, but I don’t want to do so but I even don’t want to stay like this with daily fighting nor he want. He just want love, care, respect for him & his family (specially Mother).

? In last 7years, I never tell him lie. I shared with him everything & he shared with me his. On trust, truthfulness & love (confusion from my end), our relation is running till date since last 7years.

Please suggest, what I want, what I should do & what love is. I’ll be really greatfull to You.

 

Hi Pallavi,

Oh what a lengthy story! Sorry for the delay in response, as I was too busy in my daily chores.

My analysis is this:

1) Urge to fall in love with somebody at the age of 17 or so is pure brain bio-chemistry (in my crude standards). Love is blind at that age.

2) As you grow older, more maturity and calculative mindedness develops.

3) Had you married at, say 21 years with the same person, you would have maintained the charm of youthful love, without too much calculations. At least for a couple of years, you might have enjoyed the intimate company of each other before starting bickering with each other and finding fault with each other and all. That’s common and fine with most husband and wives!

4) But, in a husband wife relationship, there is this typical Indian bondage of desire to be together for ever, irrespective of the differences, bickering, incompatibilities etc. That’s the beauty and the spiritual aspect of an Indian marriage.

5) Since you did not get marry at such an age, all these problems have crept up in you. You are now mature enough to do lots of self-analysis. You are bold enough to express them without hiding behind sentiments. You are able to see your own calculativeness, selfish motives and the desire for escapism from commitments. Unlike a typical woman, you are thinking more like a man, and your man, unlike a typical man, thinks more emotionally and sentimentally like a woman!

So, what is the solution? It all depends on the extent of importance you give to your conscience or inner voice. There is a serious conflict between head and heart. If you opt to ignore what the heart says and go boldly with what head says, you may be better off by breaking away from the relationship.

But if you go by your heart rather than head, then you are going to do a better justice to your man, who seems to be emotionally attached deeper with you (more than your attachment with him).

I have read somewhere that when there is a conflict between head and heart, the voice of the heart should be heard and acted upon. It will prevent conscience from pricking at later part of life. If we drive our life by the force of excessive selfish motive, there are chances that we end up with regrettable situations at much later part of life.

Pray to god for inner guidance. All the best.

C.V.

Pallavi 3 years ago

Dear Sir,

I am really very greatful for your response/guidence.

Pls. clarify one more thing, whether this statement/quote works in real life positively or this is just best to see in books/movies – “when there is a conflict between head and heart, the voice of the heart should be heard and acted upon”

Now i’ll write further then only when i’ll reach to conclusion(for which clarification is require from your end on above note).

Pls. extend help.

Hi Pallavi,

You consider this. Western society is experimenting with “living together” instead of marriage. If such an alternative is found to be wonderful, then living together would have got acceptance globally and the institution of marriage would have got phased out from society. Why hasn’t it happened? Why marriage still holds a high respectability in a society?

Because, marriage is a moral commitment. In true love (whether before marriage or after marriage) there is and there should always be an element of sacrifice. If excessive selfishness exists in a relationship, there is really no love.

In addition to it, I believe there is another element existing in a love affair and it is trust. If one person is trustworthy and another is not trustworthy, then again it is not love. It means someone wants to have an escape route if things don’t happen the way one wants.

In living together, people keep this escape route option open.

But, in a marriage, one is expected to give more than one receives and have a willingness to adjust with the shortcomings of other, putting selfishness a little behind. That’s why marriage is respected. Marriage has an element of spiritual quality behind it.

Head may say, be selfish; be calculative. Heart may say, accept; be committed; stand on your hopes and promises; value your feelings; value the other person’s feelings; don’t extrapolate too much.

Again, the question of conscience. I have seen people who just don’t listen to the voice of their conscience. I have also seen people who value so much about their conscience.

As a third person, I cannot say “you do this”. I would perhaps only say this: If you have faith in God, pray to God earnestly to give you guidance. Take a pilgrimage. Do some Vratha (skipping food for a night and praying). Go to a living Mahatma and seek his/ her guidance.

The decision you take should finally elevate you spiritually tomorrow and leave you with a better mental peace and stability.

May God’s guidance reach you.

C.V

anonymous 3 years ago

hello sir,

i want to ask a question that i am 18 years old and the guy is 28 years mu parents are happy about this relationship but i am not due to the age differences he is a business man and i am a student so plz tell me what i will do?

Okey vincent 3 years ago

I am 27 and my girlfriend is 26 and we are in love with each other.but i dont know wether if we wil get problems bcos of our age gap in future.I need your advice

Bin 3 years ago

Hi Sir,

I am 26 years old. They have seen a boy for me who is completing 36 years this April. I am not able to take a clear decision. Boy looks quite young only and is having a reasonable salary with good family background. But my friends are threatening me pointing to the age difference. They are also saying about the children and the age gap between him and the child. Pls help me out.

Srikala 3 years ago

My god! So many responses. And so varied. Good article Anna. The couples you mentioned reminded me about my parents! Though I would use the word “BONDING”in place of Bondage

Used by you. It is normally used in a negative context Anna. As in slaves in bondage! Is’nt it?

Correct me if I have understood wrongly.

Srikala,

Thanks for pointing out the mistaken use and I have corrected it.

Yes. You are right. I meant the same couple!

C.V

meena 3 years ago

HY I M MEENA AND FELL IN LOVE WITH A 36 YEARS OLD MAN BUT I M OF 21 AND HE IS NOT OF MY CASTE WHAT I LL DO PLZ TELL ME I M RESTLESSLY WAITING FOR UR ANS

Hi, im faith 3 years ago

I felt in love with a guy of 35 yrs while am 23. He loves me so much and now he wants to marry me with all serriousness. But to me, he is not well educated, he is not fianacialy balanced and he has no buiding of his own. He is a pastor, he keeps on saying “it shall be well” due to the financial problem he has not come to do the rightful thing to my parents. He keeps on saying he will come. He doesnt want me live him. Please what will i do? Should i continue with the marriage proposal?

manju 3 years ago

sir,i am 30y old married with 22y old girl we are having age difference of 8y sir tell me it is correct or not.

Pete 3 years ago

What if I like a lady 5 years older than I am? And I cannot help it?

Mma 3 years ago

C.V. I like this article so much but why is it that answers or sujestions are not given immidiately?

Hi Mma,

Sorry for the delays! Other day-to-day chores hold me up from spending more time here.

C.V.

Jessica 3 years ago

Hi

I am 22 and my boy friend is 36. He is 14-15 years older than me. I love him with all my heart but each time i think of his age, i get really worried. Each time, i feel like i am the happiest girl in the world to be with him but then, this thought of age difference comes to my head. We have been dating for 2 years and i know that if we do get married, we will not have any problems because we perfectly understand each other. I dont know what to do. I dont know if i should leave the relationship or stay with him..but i have a strong feeling i will regret it if i leave him. But at the same time, i dont want to go in the marriage and regret marrying him. I am scared that after 20 yrs or so, his age will show in full effect and this might reduce the physical attraction i have for him (which matters in every relationship). I just want a husband that will be alive to see his grate grand children. This is the problem i have been having, i constantly think of it and i need a good advice. PLEASE HELP

Hi Jessica,

I think yours is also a typical case of conflicts between head and the heart! Please read my above reply addressed to Pallavi. Most of what I said there holds good to you too!

C.V.

888 3 years ago

hello…

I dont agree with what you write… Assuming that a woman marries a man, some 12 to15 years (or more) elder to her, there may be several reasons to be analyzed as to why such a relationship came into existence in the first place. Is it because of any coercion or compulsion (by elders, by influence of power or intimidation by the man, poverty and consequent insecurity of the woman etc)? ……

My live in partner is already 58 and i am 29…but we are both happy and enjoying our bonding in bed a lot……I am smart, pretty, hot and financially independent…but i am really attracted to older men because they treat me like their princess and in know that i am really the only one…were 8 years and still going strong…

For others who have recently posted questions

=============================================

Many of your questions are typical and are discussed many times here in this forum. You can read some of the Q&As above and pick up what is applicable to you!

C.V

For more Questions from readers on this subject and my answers to them, please continue to read Part 3 of Q&A on right age combination between husband & wife for marriage.

How to age with dignity

When you meet an elderly citizen who is quite known to you, what sort of feeling do you develop at the back of your mind? Is it a sense of respect or one of disgust? Do you feel humble while talking to him not because “he /she is aged and hence needs to be shown respect” but because you really feel that way in front of him/her?

Our reaction ultimately boils down to one simple fact – how dignified the old person is in his/her demeanor.

Dignified or a laughing stock?

In Indian traditional wisdom, it is said that as a person becomes older and older, the one characteristic he/she should develop more and more is detachment. This detachment covers physical, emotional, intellectual and social bondages. Further, attachment to the world should get converted to attachment towards God. The more one ages developing these qualities, the more dignified he/she becomes.

In the above light, we shall now see how to develop the qualities for aging with dignity:

Do not attempt to look younger than your age

Such advice may shock many women in the west, because the desire to look young and sexy far beyond youth seems to preoccupy the minds of many women (and some men, too). Remaining healthy, physically fit and fighting against obesity are fine and necessary, but fighting against normal graying of hair, wrinkles on the face, propping up the breasts by women through plastic surgery, etc. are quite unnecessary.

Behave decently with the opposite sex

 

Whatever a woman does to look far younger than her true age mostly never cuts ice in the eyes of men. When such woman tries to look sexier too, they totally lose their dignity and even become laughing stocks.

The same applies to some older men who shamelessly ogle young girls and try valiantly to come down to their levels and behave like a dog-in-heat to impress them!

A father of a girl of twenty should a display fatherly demeanor with his daughter’s friends, even though his innate and not-yet-subdued sexual urges may tempt him to behave more like a man getting attracted towards the opposite sex.

Get rid of possessiveness over children

Western society seems to be better developed with this quality than eastern society as seen in India. While parents should watch their children till they are in their teen age and be highly responsible for their conduct and character, parents should gracefully loosen their grip on their children once they become adults. Beyond that stage, their relationship with the children should become more like a trustworthy friend.

A mother’s attachment towards her children generally continues to remain strong in the emotional plane even far beyond the children’s teen age. Possessiveness is a negative force that stealthily remains attached behind a mother’s love and many times this possessiveness has a tendency to affect good conjugal relationship of her children with their spouses.

To age with dignity, parents should carefully watch their possessive mindset and allow their children to chart their course in life fairly independently once they start earning. At the same time, they need not resign from acting as a confidant and guide when the offspring seek help and support.

Parents who rejoice seeing their sons and daughters leading happy married lives and ensure excellent relationship with their son-in-laws, daughter-in-laws and their parents, too, look highly dignified in the eyes of society.

Retire gracefully

A person normally achieves most of things in life – good status in society, power and position in his/her profession, enjoying goodies, comforts and authority by the time he/she reaches the age of retirement. But, many people dread retirement because they are too attached to all these and afraid of losing their self-importance after retirement.

But the very concept of retirement has been necessary in society because the younger generation should have the opportunity to achieve higher positions and the aged ones do tend to get slack, inefficient and out of synch with modern trends in technology and lifestyle. Those who refuse to retire gracefully lose respect from the younger generation.

Retiring gracefully and charting a new, purposeful and satisfying lifestyle after retirement goes a long way in aging with dignity.

Be financially self-supporting and independent

By the time one retires, a person should be totally free from debt, should have built up enough savings and resources for supporting oneself and spouse for the rest of old age. Simplifying lifestyle, changing and economizing spending habits, etc. are to be cultivated consciously. Elders who leave debts to their children and who have to totally depend on their children’s money for their sustenance will not be able to lead a dignified life at old age.

Be health conscious but do not make a fetish about health

By proper food control, exercise and self discipline, elders should take care of their health very well. Children naturally frown at elders who keep complaining about their health. Some elders tend to read too much of literature about diseases and their symptoms and they tend to imagine existence of such ailments in their bodies.

Some elders tend to exaggerate their ill health and love visiting doctors and gobbling up medicines; they use real or imagined ailments to gain sympathy from their offspring. Such tendencies are obviously detrimental to aging with dignity.

Don’t be a bore

One of the despicable qualities in most of the elders is their pride in past laurels – real or imagined. The moment a hapless visitor greets them, they would like to catch him as a prey to talk endlessly about their past, the achievements they made, the adoration they received and the respect they commanded.

Virtually every old person believes that the world was so good and great in yester years and everything has changed topsy-turvy in the present generation. Many old persons never get tired of fining fault with others. Old persons feel they are qualified for giving unsolicited advice and the younger generation takes to their heels upon encountering such persons.

Obviously, any old person who talks less about himself/herself but is an avid listener to the younger generation gets respect and love from them.

Contribute to social welfare

The post-retirement period is best for reformatting your lifestyle and making it tuned more toward the welfare of society. By taking part in church/ temple oriented spiritual activities or by associating oneself with non-governmental philanthropic activities, a retired person can spend his time and energy fruitfully for the welfare of society.

Develop detachment

This is one sterling and singular quality that makes an old person respectable to everyone. As you grow older, detach yourself from the attractions of money, wealth, possessions and antiques. Detach yourself from expecting respect and reverence from others.

 

Detach yourself from expecting others to keep you informed of all the family matters and issues. Do not expect others to consult you and seek “your valuable counsel” for everything. Shower love on your grandchildren without expecting anything in return from them.

Engage yourself in developing spiritual qualities through religious austerities, by practicing yoga, japa (chanting God’s name), meditation, etc. Make sure to understand that engaging in such activities are meant to elevate your spiritual stature to a higher level and they are never meant to build your egotism to project yourself as a “highly pious and spiritual old person who has to be revered by all.”

Aging is the reality of life and it culminates in death one day. How to age gracefully and with dignity is one of the challenges of life that everyone should face and succeed at.

How to convert to Hinduism – Is there really a way for converting?

No single, universally acceptable procedure ever exists for getting converted to Hinduism – this is the basic truth. Why? Hinduism, in absolute reality, is not a religion, but “sanatana Dharma” – the righteous way of living; it encompasses the entire creation; it is not a religion founded by any one messiah.

Hinduism is quite different from Christianity or Islam from the point of view of its vastness in the scope of practice and perception. The concept of one supreme God, who is amenable for worship in multitudes of names and forms, is one major aspect of religion that sets Hinduism apart from other religions. This has resulted in numerous sects and sub-sects in Hinduism. Further, Hinduism as practiced at the grass root level and as comprehended at the elevated spiritual and philosophical level has a vast difference in between.

Thus, Hinduism is a multifaceted religion; it is like a pyramid with multiple faces at the bottom, culminating at a single point at the top. Obviously, there is no “single point of entry” available to the religion which is amenable and acceptable one to all. This being the reality, let us now see how one can “convert” to Hinduism for all practical purposes.

For that, one basic question must be answered. What is the motive of one to adopt Hinduism?

Adopt to Hinduism purely on spiritual motive

For some non-Hindus, Hindu’s way of worshiping a personal God with a name and form and choosing the path of Bhakti (devotion) as a way to God realization may be very appealing. For such of them, the social need of a formal conversion need not exist. For them, nothing can really hinder their choice of the personal God, method of worship, following the traditional Hindu dress codes (like wearing a Sari or Dhoti) wearing kumkum or any such religious marks at the forehead. It is up to them to seek a Guru of the particular sect of their liking and even get a “Mantra Diksha ” of the specific God form (i.e. getting initiation of the sacred name of the God for chanting and Japa).

One bhakti movement of Hinduism very popular amongst westerners is ISKCON (International Society of Krishna Consciousness), where Lord Krishna is worshiped as the prime deity.

                       Westerners singing and dancing the glory of Lord Krishna – ISCKON movement

For some other non-Hindus, the exalted spiritual truths expounded in Upanishad s (Vedanta ), Bhagavat Gita , etc. may be very appealing. At this level, the need for a personal God is non-existent. Great spiritual masters of Hinduism are of the firm opinion that the purpose of human birth is to attain Brahman or realize one’s atman, which are one and the same, viewed from two different perspectives.

This is the ultimate goal to be attained and it is varyingly termed as God realization, self-realization, attaining the knowledge of Brahman, attaining birthlessness/deathlessness (“Moksha”, “Mukthi”, “samadhi”, “nirvana”). It is this class of spiritualism that attracts quite a lot of westerners to Hinduism.

For some others, the Yoga (Kundalini Yoga, Raja Yoga, Hatha Yoga) may be attractive.

For such earnest seekers, the best advice is to seek a Guru or rather a Satguru (a guru of the highest order who has attained the truth by self-experience), surrender to him and seek his guidance. Religious organizations like Sri Ramakrishna MathVedanta Society (belonging to Ramakrishna Math), Mata Amritanandamyi MathDivine Life Society, Anandashram, Ramanashramam, etc. can be of help to them.

A typical Hindu Homam (fire ceremony)

Convert to Hinduism based on worldly, social and legal motive

For example, you belong to some other religion (you could be an Indian or a foreign national) but you love a boy or a girl belonging to Hindu religion. Your in-laws are very particular that you should be (become) a Hindu; perhaps you too would love to become a Hindu or at least you have no objections to becoming a Hindu. You want to settle in India along with your spouse; you want to make sure that your religious conversion is perceived as valid, and that your marriage is valid as per laws under the Hindu Marriage Act, so that you won’t have any legal disputes whatsoever related to your marital relationship or the shared properties with your Hindu spouse.

In this case, Arya Samaj, a religious organization founded by Swami Dhayananda Saraswati (1824-1883) could offer help. This organization offers service for procedural conversion to Hinduism. This conversion practice was originally started by the founder as early as in 1877 to bring back such of those Hindus who had been converted to some other religion by choice or by coercion, who were subsequently willing to come back to Hinduism.

The procedure involves a vedic purification ceremony Called “Shuddhi Karma”.

One who wants to convert to Hinduism can approach AryaSamajTemple (existing at several places in India), make a written application along with an affidavit stating that he/she is agreeing for the conversion based on his/her free will, along with proof of age and residence signed by the applicant along with 2 witnesses.

The Shuddhi Karma (purification ceremony) involves conducting a “homam” (a typical Hindu ritual done in front of fire) involving chanting of certain Hymns from the Vedas by the applicant, as guided by a priest. It may take about one to one-and-a-half hours to complete the ceremony. After the purification ceremony, a Certificate of Conversion to Hinduism is issued to the applicant.

It is said that the conversion certificate issued by Arya Samaj is legally valid based on Indian Government Order dated March 19, 1985.

With this certificate in hand, the converted Hindu can marry the Hindu man/woman in Arya SamajTemple as per traditional Hindu marriage rites. For the marriage too, the couple has to give an application with proof of age, place of residence, etc. and an affidavit for consenting for marriage out of free will. The application must be signed and supported by 2/3 witnesses. After completion of marriage ceremony, A certificate of Marriage will be issued by Arya Samaj.

The Marriage certificate from Arya Samaj is a perfect legal document (Arya Samaj Marriage Validation Act, 1937 & Hindu Marriage Act, 1955, Sections 2(a) and subsection (c) of the explanation to Section 2).

For the purpose of getting a passport, immigration, Visa. etc. a formal marriage registration with the Registrar Office will be required, which can also be done by submitting the Arya Samaj Marriage Certificate.

A few words of caution

(1) Though “Indian Government Order dated March 19, 1985” is mentioned above, it is based on other sources at Internet. This author has not personally verified the statement, nor could he locate the specific document’s contents or details on this Government Order in other Internet sources. Perhaps it has to be verified outside the web.

(2) In Hindu society, caste system is a practical and sociological reality. Certain castes in Hinduism considered backward get privileged reservation in educational institutions and Government jobs; Arya Samaj Certification will not help in the caste orientation of the converted Hindu.

How to learn successful marriage tips from India

Globally, marital discords and divorces continue to be on the rise and there have always been questions whether there could be a better alternative to a man-woman relationship other than a formal marriage. However no human society has ever found a better alternative to the institution of marriage.

It is obvious that there is nothing fundamentally wrong in the arrangement of marriage, but it is only the attitude of people towards the time-tested bondage that has created problems to the institution.

 

In countries like India, unlike the western society, marriages continue to hold the traditional reverence and despite the onslaught of globalization and the resulting cross currents of cultural invasions, marriages are far more successful in India and divorce rates are far fewer than in any other developed country.

We can definitely take some clues from the Indian culture on how to ensure a lasting marital relationship. Be forewarned that some of the ideas discussed here may look archaic and unpalatable to feminists in particular.

The woman’s primary role as a mother and a homemaker

Indian culture has had its ups and downs in its vast history on the status of a woman (right from child marriage, sati, denial of education etc, to the present level of giving equal opportunities to women in education, employment, national governance, police and even in armed forces). But, even today, in the mindsets of people including a vast majority of educated and career oriented women, the woman’s primary and most respected role is motherhood and her predominant role in society is as a protector and nurturer of the household and family relationships.

Parents, grand parents, in-laws, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews and nieces — the Indian culture revolves around relationships rather than friendships. A woman acts as the binding force between all the individuals related to the family. So, in India, it is said that when a man marries, he just marries a woman, whereas a woman marries a family.

A woman, even if she is looked at as a sex object before marriage, transforms to a venerable mother once she gets married and bears a child. Even in today’s transformed culture of nucleus families where selfishness is gradually becoming a virtue, the Indian society gives the greatest respect to a married woman who never breaks families and who ensures cordial relationship with all her in-laws and other relatives.

When it comes to ensuring cordiality of relationship and welfare of children, lots of Indian women still opt to become stay-at-home moms, giving top-most priority to home rather than their careers.

Getting married at the most appropriate age

Even though man and woman attain majority at the age of 18, in well educated and cultured families in India, the woman gets married above 20 years and the man, above 25 years. It is at this age that both men and woman understand the institution of marriage better and are mature enough to face the challenges of running a family.

Ensuring adequate age difference between husband and wife

As most of the marriages in India are still arranged marriages, parents generally look for an age difference of 3 to 6 years, the boy obviously being elder. In some stray cases, age differences of even 8 to 10 years too are accepted. There is a very sound logic in this preference.

A girl attains puberty at about 12 to 14 years whereas a boy attains it at 14 to 17 years of age. There is a proportionate difference in their mental maturities too. Qualities like judging people, sense of responsibility towards one’s own life and that of those dependent on oneself, firming up of clear ideas about one’s needs, wants, ambitions etc are reasonably well developed in a woman at about 21 years.

On the other hand, a man of equal age is far more boyish, carefree and is afraid of getting into commitments and taking up responsibility. An unbridled life of freedom looks to be far more attractive to a man at that age. A man gets to grasp the importance and the responsibilities of a disciplined married life mostly above the age of 26.

Thus when a woman of 21 marries a man 4 to 5 years elder to her, the mental maturity level between them fairly matches and they will be in a better position to adjust with each other.

Fundamentally, a man, deservedly or undeservedly expects his wife to treat him as more than an equal partner. When a decent age difference exists, the woman tends to show him more respect than if he were to be of equal age to her. This psychological nuance helps in a significant way in bringing cordiality in relationship.

A woman attains menopause anywhere between her 45th to 50th age. After menopause, women drastically lose interest in sex. On the other hand, a man’s sexually virile age may extend even up to his 60 years of age. Man at around  40th of age tends to get a revived vigor in sexual cravings and a co-operative, young and a willing partner at home helps in preventing him from going astray.

Ensuring cultural compatibility

Basic human tendency is to feel comfortable and be at ease with people of their own religion, language, clan, color, sect/ sub-sect, food habits, cultural practices etc. In India, this comes through the caste system. Mostly parents insist on getting their children married within their castes or with sub-sects compatible to each other.

In India, religion plays a very powerful role in every day life. Love marriages, cutting across religious, cultural and caste barriers do not mostly succeed in India. Even highly educated people who consider themselves modern, have their sentiments deeply attached such things, even though they may deny it outwardly.

Since family relationship is a predominant factor in social relationships, arranged marriages, with a large parental influence and with due concurrence with the man and woman to be wedded, are highly successful in India when compared to love marriages where families have been sidelined.

Ensuring chastity of the man and woman

In Indian culture, chastity of man and woman before marriage is considered very important and sacred. Even in today’s highly loosened morality aided and abetted by the onslaught of globalization and westernization, a vast majority of marriages in India do take place between chaste men and women. And that’s one of the reasons why Indian culture and family structure remains intact across centuries.

Ensuring compatibility of horoscopes

In many Indian social segments, marriages are arranged after checking the compatibility of the horoscopes of the man and woman under wedlock. There is an increased resistance from younger generation to this practice; but let’s see the reality. Marital failures do happen, whether arranged marriages or love marriages. But since a vast majority of arranged marriages, done by checking the compatibility of horoscopes, is able to remain intact, despite skirmishes and petty fights between husbands and wives, there is lot of scope in believing that this age old practice does have validity.

Developing lifelong commitment to marriage

In India, marriage is considered a sacred relationship, meant for lifelongtogetherness. No marriage is ever experimented with an idea like “if something does not work out, we shall get separated without any qualms and look for an alternative relationship”.

Again, in line with global trend in India too, utter selfishness, excessive egotism and high degree of impatience have started playing havoc in several marriages. But if you consider a vast majority again, the commitment to the sanctity of marriage is very strong.

Giving top most priority to the well-being of the children

Despite the burgeoning population, Indian’s love for children is very strong. The arrival of a baby in the family is always a celebration that brings disgruntled people together. A baby cures several wounds in marital disharmony. Parents not seeing eye to eye with each other continue to live together in marital bond, purely for the sake of happiness and well being of the children. And wonderfully, this singular decision brings back fresh lease of life to the dying marital relationship in many cases.

The Indian society, despite the presence of a large number of well educated and independent-thinking women in the society, still does not treat a divorcee too gently. A divorced woman, rightly or wrongly, is somehow looked down upon as someone who is has not learned the art of adjustment, and give-and-take so essential in marriage. A divorcee getting re-married is still an uphill task, though changes are coming in this aspect gradually in Indian society.

To conclude…

The cultural glory of a country or a society is very strongly linked to the stability of marriages and relationships. A stable marriage ensures a cultured upbringing of children; Stable marriage is an indicator of peace, tolerance,harmony, unselfishness and stability in the society. Indians may still be economically backward when compared to people in western countries but, Indian culture has got certain very precious and noble things to showcase to the outer world. The Indian marriage institution is one of them.

 

 

 

Swami Vivekananda said to Sister Nivedita:  “Social life in the West is like a peal of laughter but underneath it is a wail. It ends in a sob. Here in India, it is sad and gloomy on the surface but underneath are carelessness and merriment. The West has so much to learn from the East and vice versa. The future has to be shaped by a proper fusion of the two ideals.”

How to lead a healthy life – healthcare advice from traditional wisdom

Health is wealth. Unfortunately, the present generation seems to be losing health mostly in the quest for wealth. Right from school days the need for excellence, competitive instincts, ambition, hard work, etc. are taught to be the most essential qualifications for success in life. And success in life is projected to be materialistic success only. Result? Stress and tension are now interwoven in people’s lives right from the childhood. And these two words are now termed as elements of present day “life style”, as though they are status symbols to boast of!

Health care expenses are rising to dangerous proportions across the globe. Unfortunately, instead of finding ways and means to live a life of better health which can reduce medical expenses, people are running around more and more hopelessly ignoring their well being in quest of money. And they think this money will fund them in the ever mounting medical expenses!

If you do not belong to this majority and you want to seriously know how to lead a healthy life that can drastically reduce your medical expenses, read on.

Your health depends on 5 major factors:

  1. Your food
  2. Your genetics
  3. Your exercise
  4. Your environment and
  5. Your immoderate cravings that decide your lifestyle. By bringing in control in what is controllable in these factors, you can live a healthier life.

Some of these suggestions on healthy living may look outlandish and impractical. Some of them may be contrary to popular and widely prevalent advice. It is up to you to grasp them, try to adopt them, modify them to suit you or reject them.

Your Food and Your Health

Everyone knows the need for a balanced food containing carbohydrate, proteins, minerals, fats and vitamins. Many health conscious people are overly concerned about the calculation of calories in their food intake. Don’t worry too much about the calculations.

  • Have a sumptuous breakfast. Whatever you eat in breakfast mostly gets burnt up. A good breakfast does not cause obesity. Let at least 50% of your day’s energy needs and nutrition come from breakfast.
  • Eat moderately at lunch.
  • Eat lightly at dinner.
  • Never eat to your stomach’s full (even in breakfast). Leave empty space for intake of water and to allow gases of digestion to escape. A rough guide could be: eat to three fourth of your stomach’s capacity in breakfast, eat to slightly more than half of your stomach’s capacity at lunch and keep half of your stomach empty at dinner.
  • Avoid munching snacks in between meal time just to satisfy your taste buds. Do not consume coffee, tea or other beverages unnecessarily in between.
  • Switch over to vegetarianism. If not possible, reduce your intake of meat and increase your proportion of vegetarian food.
  • Skip dinner at least once in a week. Consume some fruits instead, if you can’t fully skip eating.
  • Avoid drinking alcoholic drinks altogether; if you can’t, at least drastically reduce their consumption.

Your Genetics and Your Health

Physical ailments like hyper tension, diabetes, asthma, obesity etc are passed to your genes by your parents and ancestors. It only means that you have a higher probability of getting these ailments genetically. If you are conscious of your eating habits, exercise and the influence of your lifestyle, then to a fair extent you can delay the arrival of these ailments and combat them in a better way if and when they come to you.

Your Exercise and Your Health

Obesity, high blood pressure, diabetes etc have every potential to spoil the health of one who does not exercise. On the other extreme, scientists say that undertaking strenuous and physically taxing exercises may be fun at young age but they may leave negative health imprints on your body as you grow older.

Doing moderate exercise that rejuvenates your body and does not strain it too far seems to be the best option. Hence,

  • do walking regularly. Walking is by far the best form of exercise. A brisk walking for half an hour to an hour per day and moderate stretching exercises for about 10 minutes a day may prove to be quite adequate for majority.
  • Do not miss opportunities to get unobtrusive and indirect exercises right through the day. These include walking up the stairs instead of taking the lift (up to 2 to 4 floors), doing domestic chores (sweeping the floors, hand washing of clothes and utensils etc).

Your Environment and Your Health

The environment where you live can affect your health by way of pollution, heat, cold, humidity, dust etc. If you are suffering from asthma, allergies etc caused by your environment, look into the possibility of shifting your residence to some other location where the detrimental factors are less.

Your Immoderate Cravings, Your Lifestyle and Your Health

Craving for more and more money, materialistic possessions, unbridled sexual thrill, craving for achievement, for getting recognition — either through fame or through notoriety, craving for eating, for acquiring more and more creature comforts — the list is endless and all these cravings pave the way for spoiling health in every way.

If you are willing to think differently, consider these:

  • Moderation is the key to healthy and peaceful living.
  • simplify your lifestyle — your status consciousness, your eating habits, your dress and fashion, your mode of travel, and your creature comforts.
  • Travel less. Excessive traveling affects eating and sleeping patterns. It robs you of your regular exercise.
  • Be loyal to your married partner. Do not seek sexual relationship outside marriage.
  • Minimize eating out and maximize eating at home.
  • Reduce your goals and ambitions in life. Consciously slow down.
  • Be health conscious but don’t make a fetish about it. Never run to a doctor for petty ailments. Learn simple home remedies. Do not acquire more than cursory knowledge about diseases and symptoms. Do not undergo periodic and regular medical checkups unnecessarily if your health is normal.

Human mind and body are intrinsically interconnected. A peaceful mind can help a long way in maintaining a healthy body. If our goal in life is tuned towardsachieving mental peace rather than materialistic success, health will reign supreme in our body.

How to make marriage really last for a lifetime

A good marriage is like a delicacy. The recipe should be complete, all the ingredients must be in right proportions, the cooking should be done on the fire over the stipulated time and served neatly and sumptuously when hungry. A marriage can last for ever, just like the lingering taste of a well prepared delicacy, provided all the aspects and ingredients of marriage are perfect.

When something slightly goes amiss in cooking, an expert chef knows how to adjust and manipulate contents to ensure that the end product is ensured to be of acceptable quality. In a similar way, partners in marriage should also know the knack of adjusting for the sake of ensuring long lasting relationship in marriage.

What are the successful ingredients of a marriage that can last for ever?

In India, the reverence to the institution of marriage and family bondage are very strong. When a woman marries, she literally marries a family.

Trust in the sanctity of the institution of marriage

Marriage is just not for ensuring an outlet for the natural sexual urges for human body alone; it is a socially acceptable and time-tested practice followed across all human societies for the canalization of sexual energy in a respectable way to ensure continuation of progeny. In this process, the trust and commitment of the couple to each other is basic. The aim of marriage is a life-long togetherness for mutual care, support and for bringing up children as worthy citizens of the future.

For these to be ensured, a basic, almost “religious” trust in the institution of marriage is of paramount importance. Any marriage proposal based on fleeting attraction of the opposite sexes, mostly glorified as love for the sake of legitimacy, without a sense of commitment for long term relationship can never ensure longevity of marriage.

Of course, things can go awry in a marital relationship. Failures of marriage may be seen as the only practical reality of life all around. But that should not be a cause for entering into marital relationship without the basic trust in the sanctity of marriage. You cannot make prayers without faith in God.

Mutual respect and affection

Love is a word, which is too emotional, many times very artificially interpreted, frequently confused with love-making and many times having too short a life a span in marriage. For a marriage to last for ever, the transient love should mature in to mutual affection with an element of respect for each other. The respect need not be interpreted like the type of respect children of previous generations were expected to hold on their parents.

It is respect combined with intimacy; giving credit to the other person what is rightfully due; giving the independent breathing space; showing respect the other’s relatives and friends; giving respect to the other’s principles, values and beliefs; having trust in each other.

Need for a good foundation

Love and love-making enliven the marriage in early stages and undoubtedly they are essential ingredients in the formative stages of marriage. However, in a long lasting marriage, what is basic staple food in the beginning turns to a “side dish” over time! This should be natural. Satiating hunger of the flesh should not be the long lasting role of love and sex in marriage.

Being self-centered: Maybe Yes. Being selfish: No

There is a thick veil of difference between being self-centered and being selfish. Many people do not grasp the difference between the two.

Every individual has physical, emotional and intellectual needs – income/ financial freedom, creature comforts, love, care, respect, social status etc. If people go behind acquiring these needs with least concern about the trouble and discomfort caused to others in the process, they are selfish. On the other hand, as long as one goes in pursuit of acquiring these needs without intentionally and arrogantly causing trouble and inconvenience to the spouse in a marital relationship, they are self-centered needs.

When the spouse is willing to adjust, accommodate and even sacrifice to some extent to the self-centered needs of the partner, the marriage can last for ever but certainly not under selfish machinations of one over the other partner.

Absence of egotism

Strange though it may be, it is not uncommon to see people, who are basically far less egoistic with friends and relatives, behaving egoistically with their spouses! Some women will talk freely many personal matters with friends, cut jokes, allow others close to them to make fun of them but they will not be found be so free and jovial with their husbands. Some husbands too behave in a similar way. Some husbands will not tolerate their wives cutting jokes about their idiosyncrasies in public.

Some wives will flare up if their husband cracks any jokes about their culinary skills amidst his relatives. Some will not tolerate even slight criticism about their looks or habits by their spouses. The husband and wife may have been living together for several years but you won’t find the casualness of a good friendship between them.

Lack of egotism in the relationship between husband and wife is of prime importance in ensuring a lasting relationship with a bond that will be visible to others. With such a quality built in the psyche, forgiving and forgetting comes naturally. A bitter fight of today can be laughed off across the dining table the very next day, without leaving a taste of bitterness behind.

Accept the difference between a man and woman

Another wrong concept that breaks the basics of marriage is the idea of equality between man and woman in marriage. Man and woman are not equal. They join in relationship to complement each other – not to become equal to each other. A woman’s power lies in her capacity to love, give, share and care. A man’s power lies in being the bread winner, the protector and the leader. Man dominates by physical means and a woman balances and tames him by her emotional strength.

Where this basic difference is clearly understood, the marriage can last for ever.