How to name a Hindu Baby

In Hinduism, practically every aspect of human life is intrinsically connected to religion/ spirituality, whether explicitly known or unknown to the common man. Naming of a baby too falls into the category. Hinduism accepts God with numerous names and forms, though the underlying truth of the Ultimate Reality is one transcending name and form. Hinduism believes that the name of God is very holy and uttering God’s name, consciously or unconsciously has its spiritual benefits.

Naturally, naming of children predominantly with divine names is most prevalent in Hinduism. It is widely believed that by calling out the child, you are in fact uttering the name of a God and by that a spiritual benefit accrues to you. Next to names of Gods, many holy rivers, mountains and hills, and some places associated with Gods, Godly persons, abodes of popular temples etc. are also popularly used in naming of children.

Amma (Mata Amritnandamayi) giving the first feed of rice to a devotee’s child.

Naming of children based on popular characters in Hindu mythological stories is also practiced. Naming after very popular saints and sages, great personalities, names based on nature, season and celestial beings are also quite prevalent. Naming is also done based on adorable human qualities, aspects of human beauty, etc.

Most predominantly, the names have their origin and meaning in Sanskrit language. Sanskrit is one of the oldest languages of Hinduism and most of the Hindu holy scriptures are in Sanskrit. Ancient Hindu scriptures, mythological stories and hymns in Sanskrit are abundant store-houses of information for sourcing Hindu names.

Other than Sanskrit language, ancient Dravidian languages like Tamil also contain meaningful names that are used by people of specific ethnicity and cultural identity.

Now let us go into details of how to name a Hindu baby, with some examples:

Name the baby after God’s holy names

In Hinduism, as already said, there are innumerable God forms available for worship as suited to the taste, aptitude and temperament of the believer.

Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva are the holy trinity of Gods who represent the creation, preservation and destruction functions of the supreme Reality — the Brahman. They are male Gods who have their divine companions in Saraswati, Laksmi and Shakthi respectively, who are female Gods.

While Brahma is not widely worshiped, worship of Vishnu and Shiva and their divine consorts is most widely practiced. Lord Vishnu has “sahasranamam” (thousand names) and a separate Hymn called Vishnu Sahasranamam is available (which is part of the Holy epic, Mahabharata). It is a rich source of Hindu names. For example Lord Vishnu’s names — Hari, Kesav/ Kesavan, Madhav/ Madhavan, Narayan/Narayanan, Govind/Govindan, Vikram/ Vikraman, Vasudev/ Vasudevan, Janardhan/Janardhanan, Sridhar/ Sridharan, Dhamodhar/ Dhamodharan , etc. — are some of the most popular Hindu baby names.

Likewise, Lord Shiva’s popular names — Gangadhar, Mahadev, Mahesh, Sambu, Maheshwar, etc. — are used.

Shakthi, the divine consort of Shiva, is a very popular female God who is considered as the universal mother. Another separate sahasranamam known as Lalitha saharanamam is available as a popular hymn that contains innumerable names of Shakhi. It is a very rich source of female names. For example, Lalitha, Parvathi, Uma, Durga, Gowri, Chandi,Kamakshi, Visalakshi, Maya, Bhavani, Ambika, Bhuvaneshwari, etc.

Other than the holy trinity, Gods like Ganesha, Subramanya and Ayyappa are also worshiped popularly, and hymns in praise of them contain numerous names used popularly for naming children. Examples: Ganapathy, Murugan, Saravanan, Sivakumar, etc.

Name the baby based on God’s ‘Avatar’s

An “Avatar” is God, descended to earth in Human form. Lord Vishnu is believed to take 10 avatars and “Rama” and “Krishna” avatars are the most popular among them. While these two names are extremely popular and widely used Hindu baby names, there are numerous other names of these two (and other avatars) like Raghu, Raghav, etc. for Rama; Gopal, Giridhar, Kannan, Parthasarathy, Vasudeva etc. for Krishna; and Narasimha, Parasuram and others.

The name of Rama’s wife, Sita and her other names like Mythili and Janaki are widely used. The name of Krishna’s childhood companion — Radha, whose love for Krishna is divine — is a very widely used Hindu female name. Names of Bhama and Rukmani, wives of Krishna, are also popular Hindu baby names.

You can also combine God’s names

Another beautiful way of naming is to combine the names of female and male Gods. Examples: Lakshmi Narayan, Sita Ram, Radha Krishnan, Uma Maheshwar (all used as male names). Names of male Gods as identified by their consorts also make great Hindu baby names. Example: Sitapathi, Umapathi, Sripathi (pathi means husband), Srinivas, etc.Combining two names of Gods and combining the name of a God with an attribute are also in vogue.

Example: Rama Krishnan, Shiv Narayan, Rama Subramanyan, Ganapathi Subramanyan, Sivaram, Venkat Ram, Kalyan Raman, Raghuram, Ananta Ram, etc.

Name the Hindu baby after holy rives and places

Rivers are considered feminine. Names of holy rivers — like Ganga (Mandhakini, Bhagirati), Jamuna, Godhavari, Kaveri etc. — are popular female names.

Names of holy mountains, hills and places associated with holiness (which are treated masculine) — like Himadhri, Badri, Kedar, Amarnath, Kailash, Seshadri, Venkatadri, Tirupathi, Ezhumalai, Palani, Annamalai, Madurai, Chidambaram, Kashi, etc. — are also popular Hindu baby names. Some of these names are more specific to south India.

Name the baby after popular mythological characters

Ramayana and Mahabharatha are the two most popular epics of Hinduism. Ramayana contains the story of Rama. Srimad Bhagavatam is another holy mythology containing the story of Lord Krishna and several other divine personalities.

The names of several distinguished characters in these stories are popularly used to name a Hindu baby. For example, Kousalya (mother of Rama), Devaki (mother of Krishna), Sumitra, Bharat, Laksman, Chatrugan, Dasarath, Vibhishan, Guhan, Urmila, Bhishma, Arjun, Draupati, Balaram, Vasudev, Subhadra, Karan, etc. Celestial characters like Ramba, Urvashi, Menaka (the female celestial dancers), Devendra, Indra, Varun, Savita, etc. are also in vogue as Hindu baby names.

Name your Hindu baby after popular saints, sages and personalities

Some such popular names are Ramakrishna, Ramana, Ramadass, Meera, Thukaram, Thyagaraja, Vivekanand, Shivaji, Mohandas, Jawahar, etc.

Name the baby based on nature, celestial objects, etc.

Sun, moon and stars are being used as Hindu baby names: Ravi, Soorya, Aditya, Dhinakar, Dhinesh, Bhaskar (all representing Sun).Indhu, Prabha, Mathi, Nila, Chandra (representing moon).

In Hinduism, the stars are divided into 27 constellations and many of them are used in (mostly female) names like Ashwini, Bharani, Krithika, Rohini, Anuradha, Anusha, Chitra, Revathi, etc. Seasons like Sharat, Basant/Basanti are used as Hindu baby names. Natural elements — Pritvi (earth), Akash (sky), Pawan (Air) etc. — are popular options.

Hindu system of almanac has 60 names of years and they repeat in cycle. Some of the year-names are also used for children born in the specific year e.g. Sowmya, Akshaya, Sarvajit, Vikram, Vijay, Chitrabhanu, etc.

Even different periods of a day like Diva (day), Nishi/ Nisha (night), Usha (pre-dawn), Udhaya (dawn), Sandhya (twilight) are used as Hindu baby names. Several names of flowers — Mallika (jasmine), Padma, Kamala, Komala, Pankaja (all representing lotus), Roja (rose), Pushpa (flower) are popularly used. All these are female names.Name the baby with meaningful Sanskrit words.

The beauty of Sanskrit language is that almost all of the names that we discussed above have meanings. Other than those, there are plenty of names in vogue that have very significant meanings related to adorable divine and human qualities, beauty of human features, etc. In fact, the sahasranamams that we mentioned above contain plenty of divine attributes and qualities of the Gods that become representative of the God him/herself. Thus a plethora of “names of attributes” are available as Hindu baby names.

Some examples of male names: Purushotam (greatest among men), Ajay/ Ajit (unconquerable), Padmanabhan (Lotus-navelled), Chakrapani (Carrier of Wheel), Kothandapani (carrier of Bow) Chandrachud (wearer of moon in head), Akshai (deathless), Sukumar (good son), Abhai (Fearless), Anand (Bliss), Vinai (obedient) etc.

Some examples of female names: Shanti/Shanta (peace), Subhashini (sweet talker), Vijaya (conquerer), Sowmya, Sulakshana (beautiful), Sukanya (good daughter), Kamakshi (Ruler of passions), Sunayna (Beautiful-eyed), Priya (lovable), Sushila (Good conduct), Anandhi (Bliss), Subha (auspicious), shobha (glow), and so on.

Shri (wealthy and prosperous) is another name of Lakshmi which is popularly combined with other female names – Jayashri, Subhashri, Nityashri, Rajashree etc

As mentioned earlier, region- or language-specific meaningful names are also popular when naming Hindu babies. For example, in Tamil, some popular female names are Kayalvizhi (fish-eyed), Thenmozhi (nectar like words), Mangayarkarasi (Queen among woman), Selvi (the wealthy), Pattu (silk), Ponni (Goldie), etc.

Know about naming conventions

All the names given above are used as first names. Generally, people belonging to a particular sect of religion will follow names generally used within their sect. For example, orthodox worshipers of Vishnu would normally restrict naming their children with names associated with Vishnu or his divine consort Lakshmi. Usage of names belonging to Christianity or Islam is neither practiced nor encouraged.

A typical Hindu name generally consists of a first name, optionally a second/last name and a surname. The second name could be the name of the father, or a traditional hereditary name. The surname is again based on heredity and lineage and it could indicate the caste; a sub-sect of the religious following; the traditional profession of ancient forefathers; the identity of a clan or the name of the originating place of the clan; or the name of the ancient house, etc. It all depends on the traditions and practices of the family and the region they belong to.

In the present generation, the practice of adding the name of the caste as a surname is discouraged. There is also a growing tendency to use only short and sweet names that are not particularly identifiable to any God. In south India (Tamil Nadu), only the first name is used and (the second name or) father’s name is used just in initials.

In many families naming the baby after the grand-father or grand-mother is practiced; In the present generation, however, such practices are being given a go-by.

Know about naming after religious conversions

India has traditionally been a melting pot of various religions. Historically, invasions from Moghals and the British brought together conversion of innumerable people from Hinduism to Islam and Christianity. Those who convert to Islam take up conventional Islamic names. Under Christianity, while typical Christian names are generally adopted, there are also flexible cases of co-existence of some Hindu names juxtaposed with a Christian name. Examples: Robert Rajasekhar, John Desikar, Joseph Sathyanathan, Daniel Arulraj,

Another interesting development happening in the past few years is the influx of westerners to India in search of a more meaningful life through the understanding and practicing of Hinduism. Many of them come under the care of revered Saints and Sages in India and after a period of initiation, quite a large number of them willfully seek change of their names to typical Hindu names.

How to understand men in a marital relationship

Men, unlike women, are far easier to understand. Most men are very eager to understand women, but they are not really shrewd enough for the task since women are not open enough to be understood easily! On the other hand, women are quite shrewd to understand men who are far less complicated a creation of God, provided women are eager enough to observe and learn!

What do women basically want from men? Security, loyalty, love, understanding and emotional support. To get some or all these from men, women have got to make certain sacrifices in life and a good understanding of men can help women a lot in this respect.

A word of caution: Some of the ideas discussed in this article may be quite unpalatable to feminists. Also, not all men will fit into the stereotypes discussed here.

1) Man wants some degree of respect from his woman

Whether he deserves it or not, whether he can reciprocate it or not, man want his woman to show some degree of respect to him. This expectation may come in several forms:

  • Giving him the pleasure of delivering the last word in an argument or in decision making
  • Not shouting at him back over and above his voice in an argument
  • Not rubbing him at the wrong side when he is in an irritable mood
  • Not seriously criticizing him or complaining about him to his friends and dear ones (but making fun of his idiosyncrasies in a light hearted way without intentionally hurting him is okay)
  • Not trying to dominate him in an authoritative or commanding voice or manners
  • Not commanding or demanding his support or assistance in doing or sharing domestic chores as a matter of right.

2) Most men do not believe in “equal partnership” in marital relationship

Even though they may eulogize such a relationship verbally, most men, heart of heart, believe in the dictum of the Orwellian Jungle – “some animals are more equal than others”! There are deep psychological reasons behind it. We shall come to them later in this article.

Whether he truly deserves one-upmanship or not, man thinks and believes that, whatever be the qualities that his woman may possess better than him – be it good looks, age, education, proficiency in fine arts, earnings or professional status, his status as “man” is one step above all these of a woman. He cannot easily digest any domination of his woman on the strength any of these qualities. He may compromise and accept domination by the woman due to practical or selfish considerations in short term, but the basic resistance will always be seething inside him, and it will show its ugly head one day or other.

…and men cannot digest it!

3) A Man’s mental maturity is mostly a shade less than that of a woman of same age

This is one of the reasons why a woman is generally advised to marry a man older than her. Women attain both physical and mental maturity at much younger age than men. A girl attains puberty at about 12 to 14 years where as a boy attains it at 14 to 17 years of age. A girl’s instinct about the opposite sex is much more developed at the teen age in comparison with boys.

Nothing to do with aging!


Seeing the world and observing people, sense of responsibility towards one’s own life and that of those dependent on oneself, firming up of clear ideas about one’s needs and wants, goals and ambitions etc are reasonably well developed in a woman at about 21 years; on the other hand, a man of comparable age is far more boyish, carefree, takes things too lightly and is afraid of getting into commitments and taking up responsibility. An unbridled, play-boy life looks to be far more attractive to a man at that age than one of commitment and responsibility of a marital relationship.

A level of mental maturity towards a disciplined family life and the realization that love and affection of a caring wife is far more valuable than a physical outlet for lust comes to a man somewhere above the age of twenty six or so.

 

 

4) Sexual urge in a man is much more strong and explicit than in women

And it remains over a much longer age.

The sexual urge and overt need of sexual gratification get subsided in a woman to an extent once she becomes a mother. After the age of 35, a woman’s sexual urges get toned down considerably and in her late forties the woman attains menopause which, on most women, drastically curbs her sexual needs.

That’s not the case with men. Men sexual urges remain strong for quite long and their virility can extent even up to the age of 60. Men’s sexual urges get excited through their visual faculty predominantly. That’s why, man’s inherent tendency to ogle at shapely women shamelessly remains in them, unmindful of their aging. The reason for most men viewing pornography irrespective of their age, maturity, marital status, objections from partners etc is primarily because of their getting sexual arousal through the visual medium.

To state crudely, this tendency of men is akin to a dog’s “natural urge to urinate” at the sight of a lamp-post!

5) A woman is essentially designed to be a “mother” by nature; but a man has no such natural fatherly instincts.

Emotionally and biologically, a woman reaches her “wholeness” only through motherhood. That’s how God has created her. But that’s not the case with men. Most women are natural mothers. Most men are not natural fathers. Fatherly love is something that a man cultivates, aided and inspired by the love of the mother and the attraction of Godliness in a child. No man can ever play the role of a mother to his children, whatever be the extent of his love.

6) A man loves to be loved like a mother by his wife

A man’s bondage to his mother, by nature, is too strong than a woman’s bondage to her mother. A man, heart of heart, craves for the motherly tender care from his wife; he loves to have her attention, cuddling, her concern on his welfare, her cooking and filling his stomach with the foods of his taste and so on.

7) A man willingly submits to woman’s domination only through love

As we have seen in point (1) above, a man cannot, by nature, tolerate an authoritatively dominating woman. But the same man willingly submits to his wife, provided she floors him by her love, affection, commitment and loyalty to him and her care of their family and children. Fortunately, God has given all these qualities to woman, but some woman who cannot digest this simple natural fact, tend to play the wrong cards and lose the game in their lives.

8) Men are far less expressive verbally, unlike women

Men believe that their feelings and love are to be better understood by their actions than words. Many men get exasperated by women’s natural tendency to expect expression of love, even if it sounds too artificial, through the words of men.

9) Man’s basic instincts always makes him believe that his role and responsibility is essentially outside the house

That’s why he has lots of mental resistance to extend help in domestic chores to his wife; while on one hand he comfortably enjoys the monetary benefits of an employed wife bringing in money, he assiduously and selfishly tends to ignore the moral obligation to return favors to his wife by way of sharing her domestic chores.

10) Physical brute ness and polygamist tendencies in a man of today are highly subdued, but remain buried deep inside

On account of gradual evolution, education and cultural growth, men’s animal-like aggressive instincts and polygamist tendencies have been highly toned down, but they remain very much deeply buried in most men’s psyche.

It’s a woman’s tenderness, capacity to love him despite all his weaknesses and her inclination to lean on him for security, support and succor that makes the brute in the man to behave nicely with his woman. A man, heart of heart, thinks that he has compromised a lot from his basic instincts and that he deserves that much of extra love, respect and one-upmanship in his relationship with the woman.

Cause and effect?

11) Many men believe that women are gifted better histrionic capabilities that men can not match on equal footing.

Such men believe that if a woman can assault and hurt them with words, they have the right to use physical force to counter it and think there is nothing wrong in it. If a man is expected to digest a woman’s verbal onslaught post-fight, he thinks a woman is expected to digest his physical assault and call it a truce.

Over and above all these, there are several other unique aspects of men that are normally discussed in many books of psychology and those points are not repeated here.

If a woman can understand all these fine psychological realities about a man, she gets the right key to handle her man the right way. Women of previous generations had a better grasp of this reality than the present generation and they were far more successful in walking over the knife edge of life than the woman of present generation, who expect, want and demand total equality. Families break on account of such misunderstandings and women continue to remain the most emotionally affected lot in the bargain.

Related reading: Learning successful marriage tips from India

Is it possible to live without borrowing money?

In today’s credit card culture, this question may seem absurd. Individuals, business houses, industries and Government – practically the life of every activity in this world seems to run on credits and debits, with a generous doze of borrowed money.

When the balance between borrowing and repayment gets skewed beyond a degree, the system of credits and debits crumble and the damage it does to the money flow is too heavy. This is what the sub-prime crisis at US taught us.

Why does the life of most of us turn to be dependent on borrowed money? Let us ignore the cases where poverty is the prime cause. Where poverty is not there, where the basic human needs of food, clothing and shelter are adequately met, why do people still lead lives with borrowed money?

What makes people go on a borrowing spree?

The reasons are many, but the predominant cause can be traced to comparing ourselves with peers and with those who are at higher social status than us.

The next cause is the tendency to show off. Third reason is unbridled greed to “enjoy” life to “the fullest” with a mad belief that living a life of satiating sensual desires by hook or crook is the goal of life.

The next reason is to lead a life without any inner development, to lead a life in tune with the rest of the mass in the world, with no conscious self-analysis about what one really and essentially needs or does not need for a happy and peaceful existence in this world.

Result? People spend money more and more on things that they may have no need, on things that are simply far beyond their true financial status, on things that are going to give them short term thrills but end them up with long term pain.

Mindset after borrowing money

Living on borrowed money initially may not be too burdensome. As one proceeds life in the same way, the burden mounts more and more. Sensitive and self-respecting people feel miserable at some point of their life for leading such a life and they may wake up to the ugly reality of their horrid financial status. They may try to fight out their position by sacrificing their comforts and do everything they could possibly do to wipe out their loans and regain their lost prestige.

Strangely, there are also people who get used to living far above their means on borrowed money and they gradually lose the sense of guilt in leading such a life; beyond a stage, they get immune to pressures, litigations, loss of respect in society and even end up in insolvency but still not feel anything bad about it.

The above, second category of people can not be easily educated on the silent happiness of living a debt-free life.

Living without borrowing – is it possible?

For such of those, who know the perils of living off borrowed money, is it really possible in today’s lifestyle to lead a life without borrowing money, without engaging in deferred payments or without getting into installment payments in personal lives?

Yes. It is possible; but it requires a lateral shift in our lifestyle, personal ethos, beliefs, principles and values.

Why should one think of a debt-free life?

Why should anyone ever think of leading a life without loans? It’s because the innate spirituality in us tells us that a peaceful life is more satisfying in the long run than a life filled with thrills and instant gratification attained beyond our means.

It tells us that a life where you are not answerable to anybody on your financial matters is a life truly blessed; it is a life where a good night’s sleep night after night is assured. The spirituality tells us that a simple life with simple needs is far more wholesome and satisfying in the long run than life filled with grandiose and extravaganza.

Tips for living a debt-free life

1) Don’t compare: Avoid comparing yourself with your peers, colleagues, friends and relativesYour life is yours. Your lifestyle really need not reflect on some one else’s tastes, preferences and needs. Tell yourself firmly that if at all some people are going to “accept” you in their circle based on their perceived status, you need not really value or respect their company.

2) Know your “don’t wants”: Be very clear on things you do not want in life; on things that are attractive to so many others, but not really attractive or of value to you. Example: If golden or diamond jewelry is least attractive to you and if you consider investing money on them is a waste, why should you ever spend money on them or borrow money to accumulate and hoard them in the bank lockers?

There can be umpteen examples on things that need not be attractive to you, but the society by and large spends lots of money: Holidaying by traveling to exotic destinations, buying the latest model premium car, eating in prestigious restaurants, buying the costliest branded footwear or fashion garments, engaging in hobbies that are very costly to your wallet.

3) Watch your bad habits: Smoking, drinking exotic champagnes, frequent partying with friends and colleagues, restless wandering and traveling, unnecessary eating out when you can eat more healthily at home, excessive drinking of coffee, tea and aerated soft drinks, love for gobbling up junk food and snacks in between meal times, spending on latest electronic gadgets unmindful of their true utility value, giving unwanted gifts to others just to impress them, addiction to shopping spree – there are umpteen such bad habits in us that tempt us to swipe our credit cards at the drop of a hat, without thinking on the evil consequences.

4) Spend in cash – use the credit card to the least:

When we physically touch our hard-earned money and hand it over to somebody else or part with it once for all, we feel a small pinch at our hearts! When you see our money flowing out easily from your wallet, you get worried. You stop to think “Am I overspending? Could I avoid this expenditure?” It is not the case with spending through credit cards.

If you must use your credit card, you must ensure that when the due date of payment arrives, you have adequate money in your bank to pay it in full straight away. Never get tempted to pay “the minimum amount payable now” that the Credit card firm tempts you with.

5) Save money before you buy:

Be it purchase for Christmas, a capital purchase like furniture for your house or a piece of gold jewelry that your wife loves to have, you must first earn that amount and save it. Then spend it and free from any worry.

It would be highly ideal if you can extend this principle to buy more costly purchases like a car. If a car is a must, can you settle for a second hand car which you can purchase straight away from your accumulated savings?

6) Simplify life:

Walk if you can bicycle. Go by bicycle if you can avoid a motor bike. Go by a motor bike if you can avoid a car. Go by railroad instead of taking a flight if the distance permits. Have just one TV for the family instead of one per living room. Have just one car for the family. Have just one credit card for the family. Live in a rented house instead of buying your own house and then getting burdened by a huge home loan which cannot be serviced easily with your present income.

All said and done, we are all social creatures and we get easily disturbed by what the society thinks about us or what we imagine the society thinking about us! Living a highly simplified life may appear too difficult and infra-dig for many of us. But if we are gritty and determined, we can not only live a life free of worries about debts, we can also truly enjoy by personal experience the hidden joy behind simple living.

Know Your Personality Through Triguna

Triguna, meaning “three qualities” is one of the ancient psychological concepts available in Hindu scripture. According to this concept (available from Samkhyaschool of Indian philosophy) human mind is made of Sattwa (purity, holiness),Rajas (activeness) and Tamas (laziness, inertia). These three qualities exist in various proportions in men and their combined effect determines one’s personality.

For a more detailed understanding of Trigunas, you may please readundestanding Triguna” first, before starting to answer the quiz here to know your personality though Trigunas.

This quiz has 3 sections each with 10 statements. Each of these 3 sections pertains to Sattwa, Rajas and Tamas respectively.

Based on your personal assessment about yourself, please answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the following 3×10 statements. Each ‘Yes’ carries 1 point and each ‘No’ carries 0 point. If you are not sure of yes or no, think again: the emphasis to all questions is about your “strong” beliefs and feelings. If you do not feel “strongly” to answer ‘yes’, it amounts to answering ‘no’ only.

Group: A (Sattwa – Purity, holiness)

A-1)”I believe man’s duty is to lead an unselfish life by helping others in all ways possible. Many times I am deeply pained seeing hunger, poverty, suffering, terrorism and anarchy; I think deeply on what I can personally contribute to reduce suffering in this world.”

A-2)”I strongly believe that God exists and everything happening in this world is at His command.”

A-3)”I strongly believe any form of killing of creatures – for food, for religious sacrifice or for scientific/ medical experiments – is outright wrong.”

A-4)”I feel human life has plenty of contradictions and unanswered questions; I wonder many times whether the life of running behind money, power, sensual enjoyments and so on has any lasting purpose or worth. Sometimes the whole life appears just like a long dream to me.”

A-5)”I don’t get angry or upset easily. When in joy, I don’t become too jubilant.”

A-6)”I am very humble and don’t like to boast about my achievements. People don’t consider me a very egoistic person. People generally show respect to me for my conduct and character.”

A-7) “I strongly believe sensual enjoyments do not give lasting happiness; I believe the more we keep away from them or moderate them, the more peace and tranquility we get. I believe celibacy is a great virtue (though it is difficult to practice for most).”

A-8) “I have lots of reverence for holy saints and seers who have relinquished the world in quest of God. I believe realizing one’s true nature or realizing God can be the loftiest goal of human life.”

A-9) “I have few enemies. I don’t get too upset when criticized. I may dislike a person’s words or actions but that does not make me end up in hating that person. I can easily forgive and forget.”

A-10) “I am more interested in reading Bible, Bhagavat Gita and such holy scriptures with a thirst to grasp their true wisdom, than reading them superficially or out of compulsion. I also feel holy scriptures are not really meant for intellectual analysis and interpretation or for giving eloquent discourses, but to use them as a guide to tread the higher paths they show.”

Add up your sattwa score:

Now total up the number of ‘yes’ you have answered. The analysis is as below:

7-10 points : You are highly sattwic. You have potential divine qualities in you.

4-6 points: You are moderately sattwic. You have good seeds of spirituality sprouting inside you.

0-3 points: You have low sattwic qualities. You don’t have much of spiritual inclination.

Depending on your scores that you have to take in the next two parts of the quiz on Rajas (action and drive) scale and Tamas (laziness and inertia) scale, your overall personality can be assessed at the end.

Group:B (Rajas- Activity, drive)

B-1) “I don’t think the idea behind “eat, drink and be merry” is wrong. I believe life must be enjoyed to its full. There is nothing wrong in earning a lot so as to spend it on enjoyment.”

B-2) “I believe idleness is a crime. Working hard to earn well must be the way of life. Hard work has its own joy. I cannot tolerate a lazy person, be it a saint or a beggar.”

B-3) “I believe in goal setting and achieving it in life. It gives meaning to our life. “Never give up hope; do not get troubled by failures; do not believe in fate; march along; reaching the goal is more important than the path you tread” – such words always impress and inspire me.”

B-4) “I don’t think selfishness is evil. I you look around, practically everyone is working for his/her selfish ends. I believe, at times, in your quest for success, you can’t help but tread over a couple of others and there is nothing too wrong about it. I believe survival of the fittest is the law in this competitive world too.”

B-5) “Money, possessions, power, status, leadership, position, fame (or notoriety), manipulative capacity, a high degree of visibility of my face in the society or in the media – all these are like heady brews for me. I believe that enjoying some or all of them give meaning to my existence in this world.”

B-6) “I really enjoy viewing competitive sports, action movies and thrillers. I love to do regular exercise, spend time in gym, take part in active sports; Many times unfortunately I can’t always allocate time for these activities because of my tight engagements.”

B-7) “I admire very popular sports stars, very famous models, pop singers, Movie Heroes/ heroines and very successful politicians and consider some of them as my role models.”

B-8) “I believe in religion as long as it serves for the welfare of society. I would any day respect a person who toils for the welfare of the downtrodden than one who sits inside the church to pray and read bible. I believe saints who seclude themselves from society and search for Godliness in loneliness are not worthy of reverence.”

B-9) “I am extremely attached to my family, profession/ business, wealth and comforts. I feel I am duty bound to provide my children the best of everything within my capacity – comforts, education, status and security for the future.”

B-10) “I enjoy traveling, seeing different people, different cultures, societies and lifestyles. I don’t believe in retirement. People should lead an active life till the end of life. I believe one should never think or feel about one’s age impose restrictions on oneself, citing aging as a reason.”

Add Up Your Rajas Score:

Now total up the number of ‘yes’ you have answered. The analysis is as below:

7-10 points: You are highly rajasic. You have a very high degree of worldly desires and drive in you.

4-6 points: You are moderately rajasic. You are a reasonably active and energetic person.

0-3 points: You have low rajasic qualities. You are not a person with ambitions, drive and motivation for worldly success.

Depending on the scores that you got in the previous quiz on Sattwa and in the next part of the quiz on Tamas scale, your overall personality can be assessed.

Group:C (Tamas – laziness, inertia)

C-1) “I believe those who have very wealthy parents are really lucky. They can always enjoy good life without stressing and straining themselves.”

C-2) “Whenever I eat, I would eat to my stomach-full. I particularly enjoy anything non-vegetarian. If I am hungry, I get restless. I tend to gobble up anything unmindful of taste and quality.”

C-3) “I believe being a couch-potato has its own bliss which many so called active people do not know of. I hate physical exercises. Though I may envy physically fit and shapely figures, I can’t think of physically straining myself to get an attractive figure.”

C-4) “For me, accumulating a huge bank balance is a lot more pleasurable than spending money on essentials and non-essentials. Let people call me a miser. I just don’t care.”

C-5) “I always tend to over-sleep and, to be frank, I enjoy it. Sleeping in day time has its own pleasure that many busy people are never aware of.”

C-6) “I hate traveling. I feel traveling and running around unnecessarily strain me physically and disturb my eating and sleeping patterns.”

C-7) “I am addicted to alcoholic drinks / smoking / drugs. Even if I cannot be classified as an addict, my love for these indulgences is quite deep-rooted and I feel life is not worth living if these are taken away from me.”

C-8) “I am strictly against any religious or moral censures against polygamy, premarital sex, orgy, extra marital relationship, homo-sexuality or lesbianism.”

C-9) “Frankly, I have no respect for so-called saints, religious masters and Gurus. Most of them are fake; they talk eloquently about God and morality but I believe most of them enjoy sex and wealth secretively.”

C-10) “I may not be rich today but I am confident lady luck will smile at me one day. According to my astrologer, my life will take a huge leap forward in the next few years. Frankly I envy those who are filthy rich and enjoy life. The only difference between them and myself is just one thing – damn luck. “

Add up your tamas scores:

Now total up the number of ‘yes’ you have answered. The analysis is as below:

7-10 points: You are highly tamasic. You have a very high degree of laziness; Animal tendencies are strongly lurking inside you.

4-6 points: You are moderately tamasic. You seem to enjoy inactivity and day dreaming.

0-3 points: You have low tamsic qualities. You are not a person who enjoys idling or fooling around.

Depending on the scores that you got in the previous quiz on Sattwa and Rajas scales, your overall personality can now be finally assessed.

Since thousand permutations and combinations are possible with these scorings, so much of variations in personalities are possible based on this simple 30 point sample questionnaire. Even if we take ‘High’,’medium’ and ‘low’ sub-groups in the 3 gunas, we will still get 36 general varieties in personalities.

Now now your overall personality based on all the three qualities

However, we shall now discuss a few typical personality traits based on some sample major group combinations from Trigunas, with sample scores obtained in the 3 quizzes.

Sample Case 1: Sattwa: very high (10), Rajas: Medium (5), Tamas: Very low (0):

This is a saintly person actively serving the society. His spirituality is very well evolved; he is not a saint who loves seclusion and he may not be of the philosopher type. He is more of a Karma Yogi (man of action). Through unselfish and tireless service, he would dedicate his life for the welfare of the people.

Sample Case 2: Sattwa: High (9), Rajas: very low (0), Tamas: low (2)

This is a man of high spiritual yearnings, who has no attraction for the materialistic world. He is more of a Gnyana Yogi (man of wisdom) or a Bhakti Yogi (a devotee of God)than of a Karma Yogi (man of action). He is more inclined to talk of maya and the impermanence of the world than to physically strain himself with lofty ideals to serve humanity.

Sample Case 3: Sattwa:Medium (4), Rajas: High (9), Tamas: low (3)

This is a man, deeply rooted in enjoying the world, but at the same time, having constant questions nagging at his mind about his way of life and an inclination to look into spirituality to get answers. His mind constantly fluctuates between enjoying life by compromising his morality at one end and desiring self-restraint at another end, because it appears to be good for the long term peace. When tempted, he would rather choose worldliness over Godliness.

Sample Case 4: Sattwa: Low (2), Rajas: High (9), Tamas: low (2)

This is the type of man who has very strong leadership tendencies, a highly motivated achiever, one who is deeply entangled in worldly activities with very little concern for the society or about religion, spirituality or morality.

Sample Case 5: Sattwa: Medium (6), Rajas: Medium(4), Tamas: low (3)

For this man, worldly life has its own strong attractions but concern about the society and inclination towards spirituality are there too. Life is not too hectic for him.

Sample Case 6: Sattwa: Low (3), Rajas: low (3), Tamas: high (7).

Here is a person, stooped in laziness and sloth and leading a life of day dreaming and disillusionment. He is likely to be an alcoholic or drug addict. He will blame every one except himself for all the ills of his life.

We have so far discussed some of the most peculiar combinations of the Trigunas. There will be subtle variations in the characters of people based on the finer variations in the points scored in each group.

Trigunas and Spirituality:

Unlike other systems of psychology, the concept of Trigunas has its strong moorings in Hindu spiritual philosophy. Hinduism strongly advocates that the very purpose or goal of human life is Yoga — attaining oneness with God or realizing one’s true nature of Atman (self). And this yoga – union can be attained only by transcending Trigunas. It is the one who has transcended Trigunas is the liberated/ realized soul, a true Gnyani, freed from births and deaths.

Related reading:

Hunt for Novelty and Comfort of Familiarity — the two basic needs of life

“You would have never eaten these fancy stuff. Try Rumali Roti and Mutter Paneer. It is a nice combo. I like it very much…”

My elder brother ordered the menus without even waiting for my consent. We were sitting for the dinner in the not-so-crowded, not-so-costly middle class Restaurant ‘Manzil’ at Sarojini Nagar in New Delhi. It was 39 years ago. I went to Delhi on a college tour and it was also an opportunity to visit my bachelor (elder) brother employed in Delhi.

I could not even spell the names of the items that he ordered. Yes. They were quite north-Indian, novel and tasty too,  but far too disconnected with the Dosai, Idly-sambar and rice that we Tamil Brahmins of South Indian rural origin were familiar with.

“Do we finish off with a familiar ‘Thayir Sadham’ (curd rice)?” I asked my brother. He laughed at me. “Come on boy; Why do you still want to be a typical ‘Iyer Paappan, Thayir Sadam’ even here?” (That phrase is a typical mockery used by non-Brahmin Tamil boys to tease Brahmins who invariably have a fetish for curd rice!). “You know, I have virtually stopped taking rice and curds after settling in Delhi!” said my brother with a shade of pride.

“You don’t mind the presence of garlic in all these?” I asked. Garlic was a strict no-no in our home food. Except for extremely rare occasions of eating at a hotel, my brother would never have tasted garlic till he reached 22 years.

“I don’t mind at all; in fact I like it very well!” said he.

And what a change in his attire too!

During the whole of his college days in our village till he completed his Graduate degree, he was wearing only dhoti (Veshti) to the college! He had never bought pants till he received his appointment order from New Delhi. Now, he was going to the office in coat and suit (as it was winter in Delhi at that time). I could not see a single dhoti hanging in his room and even at nights, he felt comfortable wearing only pants saying it kept him warm. I also remember missing seeing the single line of red color “Sri churnam” that used to adore his forehead during his college days as a sign of declaring his religious orientation to Vaishnavism.

Fast forward 25 years…

I visit my brother, now a middle aged married man with two sons, living comfortably at Delhi. My brother now strictly prefers typical south Indian food only, with a particular emphasis on traditional and time-tested items that our mother used to cook. He has shunned taking onion and garlic! His wife complains that their children want nothing but north-Indian food with a fair dose of onion and garlic and she is burdened cooking two types of food daily! Very occasionally under unavoidable circumstances, my brother takes with reluctance food containing onion and garlic at Hotels, but never at home!

He openly admires the typical south Indian snacks that my mother made and sent through me and boldly comments that his wife could never match up to that taste; no wonder his utterances end up annoying and irritating my sister-in-law!

Fast forward another 9 years…

My brother is now settled in Chennai after retirement. His food restrictions have become much more strict, narrowed further down to outright traditional south Indian Brahmin food. He wears dhoti in the traditional Panchakaccham style (like priests). His forehead is adored by a full fledged white Namam and an yellow Sri churnam declaring his religious affiliation to Srivaishavism very vividly. He does Sandhyavandhanam regularly and is seen less at home and more at the Perumal Temple round the corner of the street!

That brings me to subject at last!

The above is a typical and true life story that demonstrates my theory that most of us in our life, upto a certain point of age, go behind novelty, travel the uncharted territory, tryout the unfamiliar and try to declare to the world that we are no slaves to tried-and-time-tested things of life. In this process, there are also some people who experiment with breaking some hitherto-carefully-guarded codes of ethics and morality.

But gradually (or in some cases, suddenly too) a change of mindset takes place in us. It may happen to most of us, somewhere in the age of 40 to 60 (plus or minus a few years here and there). Our attraction to our hunt for novelty, change, thrill etc die down. We start thinking — ‘May be what my father/ mother/ grand father/mother said/ did/ practiced/ lived was better; it makes more sense; it has some values though not fully understood by me now’.

At that point of time, many of us take steps to wind the clock backwards. Be it food, culture, arts, music, spiritual faith, religious practices or dress code — we get a yearning for reviving and re-practicing some or many of traditional ways. We find some inexplicable sense of comfort, feeling of security and peace in it. We find that whatever new paths we traversed, though could give us some wonderful thrills and bouts of joy, there was some inexplicable lack of comfort in them too; something in us could not accept that as a way of life till end.

In love and marriage…

In India, one can frequently see boys and girls from closely knit families taking this U-turn when it comes to marriage. In tune with times, boys and girls may go hunt for girl friends and boy friends, get entangled in ‘divine love’ cutting across the typical Indian caste / religion/ cultural barriers. And when it comes to marriage, they would suddenly wake up and take a U-turn to settle for an arranged marriage with a boy / girl duly fitting to “traditional” styles!

Eating egg – my little escapade in uneventful thrill..

Considering my own personal case, in my youth, I had an inferiority complex that I did not possess a strong physique; my stamina was poor. My college friends suggested taking non-vegetarian food and eggs. Non Veg was totally unacceptable to my mindset, but I was tempted by egg, because eggs sold in the market, I was told, cannot fertilize and hence they are more or less vegetarian. I succumbed. I started taking egg omelet during my hostel days and developed a liking for them too. But I always had some indigestion problem on many times when I consumed egg. I ignored the problem. I took pride in openly telling my close relatives that I consumed eggs and had a thrill when they showed a look of momentary aversion towards me!

As I aged up to 32, my consumption of eggs gradually became very occasional, and I never took egg at home. At 32, it became very clear to me that I really have problem in digesting eggs and the cause could be a deep-rooted aversion to it. One fine day, I took a decision not to consume egg any more and that decision was such a relief for me, in reality!

I could observe in my life that as I grew older and older above 40, I started feeling that many things my father said and practiced in his life were indeed good. Even though I did have my differences of opinion with him in some matters and did a few things (in the matter of personal finance, lifestyle etc) not in tune with his preferences, I came back one full circle and started trusting his ways more and more!

And it is also true there are exceptions to this. There are also some people whose search for thrill never get satiated; they don’t take a U-turn to seek satisfaction in old ways. Traditional ways may continue to be anathema to them till they get physically incapacitated to do anything on their own. Some of them could also be extremely egoistic, non-analytical, self-rightists who cannot differentiate between what is transient pleasure and what is long term good.

Kathopanishad, a very old Hindu scripture says there are two types of things for us to choose in life. One is called preyas and the other, shreyas Whatever things that give short term pleasures and thrills are called preyas and whatever that is good for us and give us long term benefits are called shreyas.

We can probably conclude that most of us in life go behind preyas for certain period of life and then gradually learn and take a recourse to Shreyas after a certain point of time.

The Gap Between Knowledge and Wisdom – “We know, but we can’t”

By reading, listening and observing, we know pretty well what is really good and valuable in life. Most of us have that knowledge. But when it comes to putting into practice what we know, somehow or other we feel we can’t! That’s where the knowledge fails to mature into practical wisdom. I have tried to compile a list of such “we know but we can’t” matters here:

  • We know money is not everything; money can not get happiness, money can not cure diseases, money can not buy peace of mind and excess money rather robs peace of mind. Yet we do not shy away from chasing more money.
  • We know contentment is the key for peace of mind and ambitions drive us mad, but we are hardly ever contended and we believe being ambitious is a qualification for success.
  • We know that eating moderately, eating in time and eating homely food is the secret of good health, but many of us skip our breakfast, take lunch in the evening, and replace a balanced diet with junk food.
  • We know that drinking and smoking habits reduce our lifespan, but we mostly lack the courage to say no to them.
  • We know that watching television is at the best a time-killer and at the worst a mind corrupter. We know that more channels means no better viewing but only a better channel-surfing. Yet we spend money on larger and larger sized TVs and on paid Satellite channels that give more and more of the same crap.
  • We know a promotion in the job invariably adds to more stress, higher responsibility, increased job insecurity, possible transfer and dislocation, increased working hours, and dealing with more number of ‘irresponsible subordinates’ and yet we always look forward to getting a promotion.
  • As women, we know that balancing the office work and domestic work is never easy, is highly taxing, and the menfolk will hardly ever extend a helping hand in the domestic duties. We know that the children are the most emotionally affected ones when both the parents are out in quest of their careers. Yet we will not be prepared to soften down our ambition for the professional growth for the sake of family harmony.
  • We know having debt destroys peace. We know that enjoying what is more-than-affordable using borrowed money will sooner or later kill enjoyment. We think earning more money will relieve us from the burden of debt. But we end up finding that our debt increases in proportion to our earning capacity, simply because our wants too grow in a more than proportionate rate.
  • We know that success in life or making big money is not necessarily linked to one’s educational brilliance. We know that top rank holders in school or college need not be the most successful people in life. Yet we always drive our children to be more and more studious, goad them to become top ranker in class and always compare them with other brilliant children in the known circle.
  • We know that essence to a peaceful life lies in leading a harmonious conjugal life. We know that anything could be sacrificed for the sake of a good family life. We know that all our efforts to earn money, social status and a meaningful life are almost invariably connected with the needs of a good family. Yet we do not mind becoming workaholics, spend the best part of our time in the office or business, ignore the company of the family and yet proudly think that all our toiling is after all for the sake of the family.
  • We know that for a successful family life, egotism is the greatest enemy; Controlling of the tongue and the temper are main requisites for ensuring a happy relationship. We know heart of heart about our imperfections and also the fact that everybody can not be perfect. Yet, we assert our egotism, spew venom with our tongue in a fit of rage, and point out the imperfections of our partner from all angles.
  • We know that husband or wife are to be life partners and if only we show at home just a quarter of the restraint that we put on our egotism and our spoken words with our boss at the office, we can have the happiest family life. Yet we use our partner as an emotional outlet, just to release our accumulated inner tensions carried from work.
  • We know by experience many a times that all things happen by a supreme Divine will and at the best we are just puppets dancing to the tune of that Will. Yet we think that by virtue of our stubborn will and command, everything could be turned right to our selfish favor.
  • We know very well that in the present age, death is looming large at all moments above our heads. Our life can be sniffed out unceremoniously by a terrorist bomber, or a reckless bus/ truck driver at the roads or by our own hyper-tension thanks to the wretched lifestyle of ours. Yet we run around with all our dreams, huge egos, by our uncompromising demands on others and our utter selfishness.

Understanding relationship between religion and health

How can religion and health have a connection? You may wonder. Health is to do with the body (and mind) and religion is concerned with the soul. What is the link? Very surprisingly, one helps to understand the other in some deeper way.

 “After all, this body itself is a sickness that inflicted the soul”.     – Bhagwan Ramana Maharshi

Assume that you are too critically sick, all the efforts of doctors and specialists become no avail, but you are too desperate to live. Will you not, even if you are a non-believer right now, attempt to pray to a higher force that many call God, to extend you a helping hand?

In the histories if great spiritual masters, there are umpteen incidences where people suffering from incurable diseases get cured miraculously, through intense prayers and by the divine grace manifesting through the spiritual masters. Let us assume that after your sincere and heartfelt prayers, you start recovering; will you not begin to turn to religion (or develop faith in God), keeping aside your past misgivings about religion, God and spirituality?

If you deeply think of health and ailments, you can easily grasp the fact that medical science tries to attempt getting solutions to ailments, but they never succeed 100%. If medical science is omni-potent, the phenomenon of death should have been eradicated long back! Is it not common knowledge that when people want to inquire deeper into the phenomenon called death, they do not delve into medical books, but into religious scripture for enlightenment!

Think of this: Many times, a medicine found suitable and effective in a particular patient does not produce an equally effective cure on another patient. The serious and negative side effects caused by a medicine in one person is not found to be so damning in another person. Why? Is there a divine dispensation behind these?

One of my relatives got a serious ailment in his liver and the doctors predicted that he would at the best live for 2 more years. But he lived for 9 years more.

A contagious decease cause by a virus affects several members in a family; but a mother who nurses them all at the family is not affected by it. Why? Is there a divine dispensation behind these?

Hinduism explains all these through its Karma theory. Suffering due to illness or any other unexpected and inexplicable loss of health in a person may have nothing to do with his omissions and commissions in the recent past, but it could be due to his Karma done in his previous births.

Thus questions about health lead one to think more about religion.

If you probe deeply and sincerely into religion, you will get lots of exposure to what Bible says or what other scripture/ great masters say about health.

Health is not just related to your physical health, but mental, intellectual and spiritual health too. The more spiritually one evolves, the more he understands that he is not the body, he is not the mind, not the intellect, not the ego, but his true existence is somewhere still deeper.

Assume you are suffering from severe pains on account of your sickness. When you fall into deep sleep, what happens? Do you feel the pain then? No. In deep sleep state (which Hinduism calls “sushupti”), you don’t even get dreams. Dreams are nothing but the machinations of your mind. So in deep sleep, you are not the body (because you have no body consciousness) and you are not the mind (because mind is not working – you have no thoughts as you have in wakeful state, or as in dream state).

Since we perceive most of the things with body and mind only, were you then dead at deep sleep state? Were you totally unconscious? No. Why? Because, when you wake up, you express satisfaction that you enjoyed a very refreshing and peaceful sleep! Who was that enjoyer of that peaceful sleep? Find it out – says a great Hindu Spiritual Master Ramana Maharishi.

So religion makes you to think deeply about your health. When Jesus was crucified, was he feeling healthy? What made him to undergo all the suffering and still not think ill of those who committed the heinous crimes against him? Doesn’t it show that Jesus did not think of him as body? If he had thought of him as a body, would he not have got very concerned about his health?

Ramakrishna Paramahamsa, a great spiritual master of Hinduism was afflicted by throat cancer. He was treated by several doctors, but to no avail. But, till his death, he was talking and giving spiritual instructions to his disciples; he transmitted spiritual power to his disciple Vivekananda despite his severe throat pain and a near impossibility of swallowing any food.

Ramana Maharishi too got cancer in his arm. He allowed different schools of medical practitioners to treat the cancerous growth, and he was simply behaving like an uninterested witness to all the pain and suffering they inflicted upon him through their modes of treatments. He was operated upon thrice and at one time, he did not allow use of any tranquilizers too!

When his devotees wept seeing the sufferings that he underwent, he used to say, “After all, this body itself is a sickness that inflicted the soul”.

In a nutshell, the more you are concerned about your bodily health, the less religious and spiritual you are. The more you are oblivious to the health of the body but concerned about the health of your soul, the more spiritually evolved you are.

Unless one learns the intricacies of a religion by the right knowledge of spirituality, one cannot easily grasp this secret.

What Is the Ideal Age Gap Between Man & Woman for Marriage?

Is there a sound reason behind the traditional practice of women marrying older men? If so, how much older should the men be?

That’s the crucial question. If a woman marries a man that is 7-10 years older than her, is she really marrying an “old(er) man?” Many women today seem to nurture such a viewpoint. Getting married to a man that is almost the same age (just two or three years older or even younger by one or two years) seems to be acceptable for today’s woman. The question is whether such a trend and preference of present day woman is in any way beneficial for her married life or not.

What does Hindu Shastras/ Smritis say on this subject? Are they relevant today?

Whatever Manu Smriti/ Parashara Smriti state on this subject has been totally irrelevant in the present day for the Hindus (and also by law too). The smritis say that a woman should be married off before her 12 the year i.e. before attaining puberty. They recommend an age gap of 12 to 20 years between husband and wife! Naturally, it is obvious that there is no question of even discussing the possibility of an older woman marrying a younger man!

Hence we can say that sastras do not offer any relevant help on this subject. We have to naturally rely on healthy practices that are existing in the society for long and go by their merits.

4-8 Years Is the Ideal Age Gap

Personally, I believe very strongly that an age difference of about 4 to 8 years between the woman and man (the man should be older, of course) is really conducive for a good marital bond, and it works very well in the majority of the cases that I have seen (of course taking all other favorable aspects of marriage between the man and woman).

Why It’s Better for Women to Marry Older Men

  1. Women Mature Faster Than Men

There are two elements of compatibility in a marital relationship: Physical maturity and mental maturity.

Women attain physical and mental maturity at a much younger age than men. A girl of three years has more advanced linguistic and oral communication skills than a boy of the same age and a girl’s dependence on her mother at that age is far less than that of a boy. Furthermore, girls attend preschool with more ease, self-confidence, and willingness than boys.

A girl reaches puberty between the ages of 12 to 14 whereas a boy reaches it between 14 and 17. A girl’s instincts about the opposite sex are much more developed as a teenager in comparison with boys.

At 21 years, a woman generally has well developed instincts to observe world and people around her and frame judgments; she has fairly developed a sense of responsibility for her own life and those dependent herself and has firmed up clear ideas about her needs, wants, goals, and ambitions.

  1. Men Aren’t Ready for Marriage Until Later

On the other hand, a 21-yr-old man is far more boyish and carefree, taking things lightly and afraid of commitments and responsibility. An unbridled life as a bachelor is far more attractive to a man at that age than one of the commitment, responsibility and restrictions in a marital relationship.

Around the age of 26, men achieve the level of mental maturity required for a disciplined family life, which comes from the realization that the love and affection of a caring wife is far more valuable than a physical outlet for lust.

Thus, when a woman marries a man four to eight years older than her, they both have similar mental maturity levels and are in a better position to adjust to each other.

  1. Women Respect Older Husbands More

All said and done, a basic psychological fact about men that cannot be wished away is his sense of superiority over the opposite sex. A man, deservedly or undeservedly, expects his wife to treat him as more than an equal partner. As such, he welcomes signs of respect.

Where there is a sizable age difference, the woman tends to show the man more respect. This psychological nuance helps in a significant way to bring harmony in the relationship.

  1. Biology Favors Women Marrying Older Men

From a physical maturity point of view, an age difference augurs well in the long run. The best time for a woman to become a mother is before she turns 35, and her active interest in sex gradually wanes subsequently. She will reach menopause somewhere between 45 and 50. After menopause, women practically lose interest in sex.

On the other hand, a man’s sexually virile age may extend even up to 60 years of age. At around 40, men tend to get a revived vigor in sexual cravings and a co-operative and willing partner at home helps prevent them from going astray.

  1. Looks Matter as Decades Go By

Furthermore, having an attractive and young-looking wife is more important for men. For women, on the other hand, the man’s love is more important than his looks. Normally, a 40-yr-old man would look quite youthful in comparison with his wife if she were of the same age.

Perhaps this is one of the main reasons why previous generations preferred a wider age gap between men and women in marriages.

About Men Marrying Older Women

I am biased totally against such an option. No separate arguments are needed as the logic behind the advantage of men marrying younger women was discussed earlier in this article.

NOTE: This article has kindled lots of discussions from readers and there are several Q&As seeking and explaining why marrying an elder women is not advisable are available in those discussions which are given at the bottom of this article. 

There are many things in the present-day state of affairs, mentalities, values, and preferences that contradict time-tested practices and cultural guidelines. It is quite natural that the institution of marriage is getting a beating and many live without a happy conjugal relationship in the present generation.

Larger Age Gaps and Marriage Traditions

Marriages With Age Gaps of 10-12 Years Face Difficulties

If the age gap is much wider than 4-8 years, it is possible that the marriage will go sour in the long run. There are a few reasons why a woman might marry a man 12-15 years older than her.

It could be because of coercion or compulsion (by elders, through the husband’s influence of power or intimidation, or because of the woman’s economic insecurity). It could be because of illogical infatuation or psychological complexity. It could be a woman’s calculated move to woo an older man for financial reasons. It could be to gain a celebrity status through the back-door for a woman to marry an aged/ very elder male celebrity .

Unless there is a genuine bond of love and affection between the couple that can overcome the limitations of the sexual relationship in the long run, if the age gap is too wide there is always the danger of the marital bond breaking up with painful scars left behind.

Traditions of Marriage Are Changing

I write from India and many of my views are basically Indian. As the institution of marriage is still strong and respected in India, I am convinced that this system makes sense.

In India, even in my generation, it is rare to see women marrying men 10-12 years older than them as that practice has been virtually discontinued. In the generation prior to mine, there were a few cases here and there.

However, in at least one case, I knew a couple of my earlier generation with a 12-year age gap between them. They got married when the girl was just 14 and had no ideas of her own. In that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands like creepers winding around the trees. Perhaps that acceptance without questioning brought in a beautiful bonding between them.

The only problem their marriage faced was that the husband passed away when he was about 70 and his wife, aged 58, had a very long widowhood to be spent without her closest companion. She is quite fine now, living alone, but the lack of companionship at this old age does show in her emotional life.

Will the present day girl mold her life totally around such a “senior” husband unquestioningly? Will their life be free of a generation gap? Will the woman or man take it lightly if someone asks the girl “Is he your father?” It is very unlikely. In my opinion, a girl marrying a man who is ten years older or more is not a good proposition for the current times.

To conclude: Woman marrying a man of 4 to 8 years elder seems best

Based on the various arguments that I have put above, it is my conclusion that there is a very fair scope for a successful marriage in the long run, if a woman marries a man 4 to 8 years older than her.

-=o0o=-

Discussions on this subject

The above article was posted by me originally in another website sometime during 2010.  It soon found a very large readership across the world, thanks to high page ranking it got in Google Search. Soon, I started getting lots of comments on the article. Gradually, the comments section turned to be a big Q&A as people started bombarding me with their queries and seeking my counsel on their personal marriage issues related to age difference. I would have given detailed answers to some 100 different cases this way. 

Some of the actual questions and answers on this subject are shared below:

Q from sam (asked in 2011)

I am 29 yrs old and my girlfriend is 13yrs younger than me. Its been a yearsince we first met. Should i hang on with this relationship? HELP!

A:  Sam,

It means the girl is just 16 years old! In olden days, 16 was a marriageable age, but not in the present day standards. She will not be adequately mature to weigh the pros and cons of the age gap.

There are always exceptions, but whether your case is an exception requires an honest probe by you. There are umpteen compatibility issues — looks, likes & dislikes, cultural differences, generation gap, sexual interests, meeting of views on moral and ethical issues and so on.

Generation gap can become a potential headache in the long run.

A decision without emotional interference can only help.

C.V.Rajan

sam 

Thanks a lot. Sir, i found the solution to my condition in ‘decision without emotional interference’.

—————————————————————————————

lizu (asked in 2011)

My boyfriend is 13 years old is there any problem?I am 18 now.

A: Lizu,

Sure you have a real boy as your boy friend!

C.V.Rajan

—————————————————————————————

Q: (2011)   hi its me iqs

Im 17 and my boy friend is 26 we are very happy with each other. do you think is there any problem?

A: iqs,

I am writing about marital relationships. Not about relationship with boy friends. If the present boy friend is sure to end up as your husband, then you can ask these questions:

– do I find lovable as well as respectable qualities in him?

– If by virtue of his age, he dominates I or tries to treat me as a “child”, will I fight with him to resist it or I won’t mind being submissive to him?

– When I become. say 27 years and happen look quite young and he, at 36 looks a bit older, I will absolutely have no qualms about it and he will not be jealous of my looks?

– Do I find many of my/ his ideas, ideals, likes, principles and values do not suffer from any generation gap?

If your honest answer is yes to these questions, there won’t be any problem. By God’s grace, you can hope to have a happy married life.

C.V.Rajan

Q: iqs 

hi sir its me iqs again

i really thank you for considering my question.we both surely want to get married just waiting for my studies to end up .he has been with me since 4 years i know that was too young for me ………

i was 10 wen i lost my mom every relation around me changed i have seen a lot in my life from that day n have been on my own for every thing after all this he was the 1 who came into my life n i felt very protected i don’t know what i am but people do say me that i don’t look 17 from my talks in him i have found every relation

but sometimes some of his things do bother me like his principles he is very strict regarding some of the things but i guess i can overcome this while rest of the things are fine like love,respect,trust .At the end of the day its always the women who has to sacrifice to make a relation work.i don’t want to lose him at any cost want to make a best relation husband and wife could have but just scared about the age gap.

A: Hi iqs,

May God be with you in guiding you to have a smooth relationship with your would-be husband lifelong.

You know I write from India. In the previous generations (even in my generation — I am 54 now) it is not uncommon to see husband being elder to wife by 7 to 10 years.

My wife is younger to me by eight and half years. My elder brother’s wife is younger to him by 10 years. We both have happy and contented married lives. Except for a few cases here and there, I have seen that such an age gap does work well in marital relationships.

If at all something negative is there, it comes at much advanced age. Assuming that both spouses are of good health, it is likely that the wife will have to spend a long widowhood, without company, if the husband passes away at say 80 and the wife has another 10 years to go.

But you know, we can’t extrapolate too much!

Only in the present generation, youngsters prefer an age gap of 1-3 years. Perhaps girls would prefer a friendly husband (whom they can easily dominate) rather than an elderly, bossy husband nowadays!

C.V.Rajan

iqs 

hi sir

AMEEN.

m from pakistan .m really thankful to you for helping me out .I dont have words to thank you

The uncertainty level is too much in this world nobody knows what will happen to them the very next minutes of their lives this is the thing which only GOD knows may be i have much less life span than him we can only pray for what we want…

you’re perfectly right on this today’s generation is extremely modest but honestly telling m myself of a new generation my views are truly not with them in this case men’s should have that manly power in them ,they should be bossy ,elder and at the same time loving ,friendly also

i thank u once again for guiding me through this

Pl remember me in your prayers

Hi Iqs,

Thank you. May Allah be your guiding force always.

C.V.Rajan


Princess (asked in 2011)

Hi sir…ve got a bf who is 12 years older than me and he really loves and wants to marry me…i feel he’s too old although i also love him.I’m afraid my parents wont accept our union due to the age gap.Do you think 12 years is such a wide gap?

Hi Princess,

You know, I write from India and many of my views are basically Indian and living values based on Hinduism. As the institution of marriage is still strong, respected and works in majority of cases in India, I am convinced that this system has sound sense.

Coming to the age gap of 12, I should say even in India, the practice of marrying with such a wide gap has virtually been discontinued even in my generation (a generation earlier to mine may have a few cases here and there).

But in at least one case I have seen a couple of my earlier generation with 12 years age gap between them. But they got married when the girl was just 14 and had no ideas of her own. At that generation, girls simply accepted their husbands just like creepers winding around the trees.

That acceptance without questioning perhaps brought in a beautiful bondage between them. They were one of very nice couples I had seen in my earlier generation.

But the only problem their marriage faced was that the husband passed away when he was about 70 and his wife, aged 58 had a very long widowhood to be spent without her closest companion around. She is quite fine now, living alone, but the lack of companionship at this old age does show in her emotional life.

All these are what I saw in an earlier generation to me.

Will the present day girl mold her life totally around a “senior” husband unquestioningly? Will their life be free of generation gap? Will the visible differences in looks trouble their life? Will the woman/ man get hurt if someone asks the girl “Is it your father?”

So, naturally there are lots of finer things in the present day state of affairs, mentalities, values, preferences etc.

Only a logical analysis without too much of interference can give give a right solution. If your emotions say strongly to go ahead, then go ahead — with a commitment to do a lot of sacrifice and adjustment in life, all in due respect to the love you have on your man. Then God will be with you.

C.V.Rajan


Hello (asked in 2011)

Hi, I just came to know about your wonderful site! I am 30yrs this september. Single. Got a marriage proposal from a guy, who seen my profile in matrimony. He is 71 born..and am 80 born. The groom is 9 yrs elder to me. Will that work out in the long run?Pl reply at the earliest. Thanks in adv.

Hi Hello,

I request you to read some of the responses and comments to this article too, which may be of help to you.

However, coming to your case, you are 30 years old already. Hope you are proportionately mentally matured too, which means you are at an age where logical thinking can definitely outweigh emotional thinking.

What’s your preference in life about a partner? Will you be comfortable with a fatherly figure rather than a friendly figure? Do you mind treating your husband with an element of respect which he may expect on account of the age difference and his very age itself?

Are you capable of grasping expression of love and romanticism more by non-verbal behavior rather than verbal expressiveness?

What’s your long term expectation from life?

Hope you can get balanced replies to these queries and decide yourself.

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————————Paresh 5 years ago

Hello Sir,

My Girlfriend is 5 years older than me. I love her and want to marry her. She also loves me and want to marry me.But our families are against our decision….

Give me some points to argue with them so that I can convince them about our relation.

Dear Mr Paresh,

I wonder whether you read my article in full! I too am old fashioned like your parents and if you were my son, I would never approve of such a marriage. (If my son goes against my wish and proceeds, then I will have to forget my objections and welcome my daughter-in-law. No other go!)

Unless the love is too strong and has an element of spiritual affiliation cutting across births, I would personally be only pessimistic in such relationship.

Sorry. I can’t offer any helpful hints. I am at the other side of the fence!

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————————RAHUL 5 years ago

i m 32 yr old and i m getting proposal of getting married with a girl of 10 yr younger.this is ma parents wish.as i m not having much offers in ma life right now.as i m over with two long luv affair . what should i do ? just suggest me ASAP i will be thankful for ur best suggestion.

Hi Rahul,

As per my understanding of the present generation girls, what they look for in a marital relationship is a friendly figure, whom they can take for granted and also dominate. A large age gap of 10, to the present day girls seems to mean a “respectable” husband, who will tend to dominate and whose ideas will be half a generation older. Present day girls, endowed with good education, freedom and scope for own income do not mostly want to fit to such a scenario, in my assessment.

Now that you are 30 years old and with two failed love affairs behind you, I am sure you would have grown mature enough to see life and understand the opposite sex much better. But that’s not sufficient.

The girl, with whom your parents are planning to get you wedded, should be in a position to think deeper and understand the pros and cons of this relationship. If the girl, on her own (without parental compulsion) is able to think over the whole issue peacefully and then take a positive decision (and assuming that you too have made up your mind) then pray to God for His divine grace in keeping the marital bond strong for the life and accept to the proposal.

In my opinion, the girl’s consent is a must and she should know what is ahead. (Please see some of the earlier responses from other readers and my replies in the comments). A one to one talk with the girl will probably help.

Let God be your guiding force in such matters.

C.V.Rajan


gwen 5 years ago

my boyfriend and i have an age difference of 1 month, we’ve been together for 3 years and are both in school. we talk about marriage but what worries me is whether he will be able to appreciate me the same way when we get to 55.i wont be looking the same with time and women do have a tendance of aging faster than men.in other aspect of the relationship such as maturity, respect and other such issues icant complain. would you advice me to hold on to this relationship because i know by God’s grace it will lead to marriage one day.

Hi Gwen,

I know of a case, a friend of mine (with whom I have lost touch in the past 25 years)who married his school mate/ class mate. They were in love right from their 8th grade. He became and Engineer and she completed her Medical when they got married at an age of 24. They were couples “comfortable with each other” when I last saw them 26 years ago.

They were Indians; they belong to the previous generation; both were well educated. They were from very respectable families; they had their value system well developed.

I wish and hope that such a strong bond of love coupled with good principles and values exist between you and your boy friend. If it exists, then, with God’s grace, things may work out well.

But I have my own concerns about the present generation. I don’t know which country you belong to. If, in your cultural background, marriages and divorces are parts and parcel of everyday life in most of the people’s life around you, then we can’t predict how life will go on.

Generally, girls, in addition to having fun with a boyfriend, think of marriage as a long term goal, whereas boys think of having sexual fun as the goal in the short run in dealing with a willing girl. Not all may fit into the category, but that’s the reality in teen age.

When it comes to marriage, the boy should be able to earn on his own and take life seriously. Will it happen to your boy friend at say, 24 years? Or if you get married to him, say, at 22 years itself due to force of circumstances, what sort of financial standing will there be when you start your life?

Then, the question of sexual attraction and compatibility is always there post marriage. Assuming that you are now 17 years old, can you foresee things to happen after 6/7 years when your boyfriend will truly be ready for marriage? Assuming that you are in west where premarital sex is not frowned upon, will the sexual attraction continue to make a long standing relationship viable and workable?

Too difficult to predict for me as a third person.

Faith in God and prayer for guidance is the right course available to you.

C.V.Rajan


sim 

I am 26 years old and my boyfriend is 36. In the beginning, he lied to me about his age and said he was 30 (he looks young). He revealed his real age after a few months. He said he had tried to tell me on numerous occasions before but was scared he would lose me. I was visibly upset for a few weeks and didn’t speak to him.

But I knew his love for me was genuine and we were very happy together. I used to be very depressed before and had moved to new city where I met him. He helped me restart my life and regain my confidence. Finally something good had happened to me.

I decided to stay with him and I knew this was the man I wanted to be with. I know he has never lied to me about anything else.

However I am scared how our age difference will have an effect on our future. We have been together 1.5 years now want to get married. My parents are coming to meet him. but I told my parents his age was 30 ..as he told me that in the beginning and haven’t had the courage to tell them about his lying and real age.

ritu (asked in 2011)

hello sir..have gone through your article..really great work.. hope u will be of a great help to me as well.

sir, i am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 27, its been three months that we are together and we love each other a lot. but sometimes some of the issues really scares me up. like 7 years of age gap between us. moreover he is my next door neighbour. although me and my boyfriend dont see any problem in this. but our parents might have a problem . i know i am going slightly out of the topic that u startd off with.. but still i rilly wanna know…

what do u have to say on this. do u think that our relationship can work out. plz reply sir. thanx 🙂

Hi Ritu,

20 and 27 years combination, in my personal opinion, is a near-perfect match! He will be mature enough for marriage. He would be in a good position in his employment status. (Imagine: if you were to fall in love with a man of 23 years now. What is his emotional maturity and job experience/status to earn a good salary?)

But one thing I want to caution you, based on present day girls’ mentality that I widely see everywhere. These girls seem to primarily want to treat her man at equal footing (or better, boss over him!), don’t really want “a man to be respected” but a man that she could be friendly to the extent of ignoring even a semblance of respect to him.

Capacity to manipulate seems to be more important than submissiveness in the present day trend. But, boys (men) being boys, tend to brush these all before marriage, but suddenly find lack of respect and submissiveness from wife as a big issue after marriage when ego clashes start surfacing.

Do you know? Mahatma Gandhi got married to Kasthuriba who as elder to him by about 2 years. Gandhi got married when he was hardly 18! Do you know what troubled him a lot after marriage? Lack of submissiveness from Kasthuriba!

So, if you are the type of girl who can behave friendly as well as give respect to your man’s age and maturity and have no intentions of manipulative dominance to play one-upmanship, then go ahead! Pray to God to guide you correctly in your marital life for a lifelong bondage and happy togetherness!

All the best.

C.V.Rajan

ritu 

first of all. thanx a lot sir for taking out ur precious time for me.

well.. yes.. i am a kind of a girl who is very friendly.. and give ‘love’ the top most priority no matter what.. i treat my guy on an equal footing and he rilly dont have any problem with that. but as u said.. guys suddenly find lack of respect and submissiveness a big issue aftr marriage. i just hope this does not happen in my case. its not that i dont want to give him respect but its just that i dont want him to make an issue about it.. i want my guy to treat me as his friend first beacause i believe that friendship is the most beautiful relation one can ever have with his/her partner.

Hi Ritu,

All the best!

My wife is 8 and half years younger to me.I am rather old fashioned. But still, she is my best friend and vice versa. But, but…I firmly believe, like in Orwellian jungle “all animals are equal but some animals are more equal than the others!”. My wife definitely understands that when it comes to critical matters of decision making, particularly if there are too much emotional issues involved.

In a marital relationship, despite the “equality”, the husband assumes a fair degree of one-upmanship. If this is correctly understood and if the woman is able to accept her emotional vulnerability in critical junctures and yields to the whims of a more matured person, then the marriage can be stable.

Hope you will grasp this nuance. If you fight for equality as a matter of right, you will end up with a bitter taste. If you are good at the feminine way of tackling man with love,care and respect where due, you can end up with one-upmanship, without your man ever knowing it!

Bye

C.V.Rajan

ritu 

i got your point sir. thanx a ton 🙂

================================================

sumeet 5 years ago

hello , i just went through your article. liked your thoughts n clarity.

i am 26 year old guy and d girl i love is 28 yr old. we love each other a lot but again old school stories. first her parents were not ready and my parents were ready. after 2 meetings her parents liked me a lot. so they were kinda ready for going ahead. then came the twist my parents started thinking about age diff is big plus intercaste marriage. so finally i convinced them to go for doing marriage talks that was the first time they met her. after everything they thought d girl isn’t that good looking so relatives started opposing now. but i still want to go ahead? is this still a recipe for disaster coz my parents aren really 100% sure about this marriage. will we face many problems from relatives and my parents?

hope i get the reply..

Sumeet,

Hope you have grasped from my tone of writing (and of course based on the generation I belong to) that I am personally against a boy getting married to a girl of higher age. The physical and psychological reasons behind it have been outlined in my article.

The problem is that when love starts at too young an age (school days), we are too immature to grasp the long term repercussions. School-day love is nothing but the weird play of secretion of hormones, to put it in the most blunt way.

But we Indians, due to our cultural upbringing, tend to develop a sense of loyalty and commitment to each other, the breaking of which, even if the intellect warns of inconvenient consequences, is emotionally difficult.

We may say, not without some merit, that the love we develop on the opposite sex at an innocent age is much pure without calculative mindset; but, when it comes to life at a larger canvas over the long future ahead of us, a certain amount of calculativeness cannot be avoided.

When that calculativeness dawns at us as we get ready for marriage, at that point, what we think as “pure love” has to necessarily go through an acid test.

In your case, the caste too is another big hurdle! Deep within our psyche, Indians have a deep-rooted affiliation to our caste system. You may be free of it at this age, but not the earlier generation.

In your case, it looks very clear, and very heartening too, that you don’t want to break your family bondage to go ahead with your own decision. In India, when a woman marries, she marries a family. Indian family system revolves around families and relations; we just cannot be islands. That’s our culture.

So, setting aside emotions, it is time for you to take into consideration the inevitable calculativeness, I suppose!

Have a frank discussion with your girl friend. Ask her to read this article too, if you feel it will help.

Hope you are God fearing. Please pray to God sincerely for guidance. You will definitely get it.

With best wishes,

C.V.Rajan

sumeet 5 years ago

i am really glad that you understood the what i was trying to tell you exactly.. i am glad that i got the reply too.

My parents are not 100% sure that we want to go ahead with this but they are saying we are ready for marriage only because you want that to happen. we both are working and have an idea about what are the problems we might face. we are ready to face everything else except unnecessary remarks from relatives. and as per i think every marriage whether it be arranged marriage i am the one who has to handle everything 6 months down the line. if der are any problems in my marriage i am the one who is going to solve it not my parents not my relatives. so i think its good that i choose my life partner. for problems they can arise in any kind of marriage. what matters is i am going to spend rest of my 50 years with the person of my choice. she is also ready to to face the situation except my parents unwillingness. all we want is to give us fair chance and accept us and we wont let you down. At least we will keep trying. i agree with your views about deep rooted affiliation for the family. we perfectly agree that marriage is kind of bonding of 2 families. 1 yr down d line if evryhting goes well then same relatives might also say see how they pulled it off. there is nothing called caste n al.

we are in fix these days. slightly some where now i am ready to go against my parents wish n relatives. ( one point we are kind of having very close bonding with relatives so we tend to carry everyone along with us for good ceremonies in the families) i need a neutral view on this every time i hear comments from my parents or relatives i think no one is trying to understand my point of view. basically i need neutral opinion.

thanks a ton for replying for earlier post.

Also one more point to be noted is.

today if we decide to separate since my family might not accept the things and will make life difficult due to close scrutiny. we certainly don want to do stuff everyday morning we get up and thing we do is prove it to others that we are good.

and next thing if we separate and she unfortunately does not get good fella to marry then i cannot live with the guilt that it happened because of me. it will be unbearable and will haunt me for rest of my life.

she is very emotional and she will end up loosing all confidence and whatever she has in life. we have seen all our dreams together. its really very very tough for us to accept the separation.

Hi Sumeet,

I am glad to read the following words of yours:

“i am the one who has to handle everything 6 months down the line. if der are any problems in my marriage i am the one who is going to solve it not my parents not my relatives. so i think its good that i choose my life partner. for problems they can arise in any kind of marriage. what matters is i am going to spend rest of my 50 years with the person of my choice. she is also ready to to face the situation except my parents unwillingness. all we want is to give us fair chance and accept us and we wont let you down. At least we will keep trying. “

It is clear from your words that you are a man of committed principles and you are also aware of what problems lie before you. You are not thinking of a short term perspective.

So, it looks to me that you are bound by a strong bond of love.

I have seen people’s (close relatives’)attitude changing after marriage, once they find the human qualities of the new bride adorable. If your would-be wife is affectionate, large-hearted and is not of the type who would break family bonds for selfish sake, then you will find a dramatic bonhomie reciprocated from your relatives.

Once a child is born, most of the bitterness is forgotten and the new baby does all the repairing work!

Glad that you are quite clear on your stand. Let God’s grace be with you in removing all hurdles before you so that you have an ever-lasting relationship with your would be wife.

With best wishes,

C.V.Rajan

======================================

kpu 5 years ago

Dear Sir,

Thanks to you for taking us to this very important topic. I am 24 girl and getting married to a guy of 32 year old but sometimes I feel that he is more mature than me mentally. I am sort of kiddish nature. Well we both like each other a lot but I am afraid that he should not lose interest on me later. Also I used to think that men are sexually active and give good performance only up-to the age of 35. Is this true?

Thanks in advance

Hi KPU,

Kiddish nature has an element of attraction and joy too. We all love little children, don’t we?

Are you ready to accept the mature person’s decisions at critical junctures and abide by them rather than fight with him for your “self acknowledged” immature tendencies? Then things will not get complicated.

Regarding sexual interest dwindling after 35. It could be due to lack of sexual attraction with the wife (wife’s obesity, going-out-of-shape, too much of pre-occupation with her chores and children, boredom of familiarity, lack of innovativeness and romanticism in sex, excess tension at office, letting-go of the joy of togetherness etc etc.

A young wife (in your case, the age difference of 8) is a plus point for continued sexual attraction on the wife.

And I have mentioned about men getting a sexual revival at around 40 in the article….

C.V.Rajan

———————————————————————————–

Tushar 5 years ago

I am 3 months younger than my Girl friend. . Is there any problem, if we get merried ?  Pls help

Hi Tushar,

You can read some of my replies already on this subject. As an old fashioned old man, I am personally against men marrying older woman.

None of the favorable aspects of a reasonable age gap between husband and wife that I have elaborated in the article will be available to you if you marry an older girl. Marriage is to be seen in the long term.

What is attractive to you now may not hold till old age.

Think of 10 years from now. Compare both of your age/ looks / sexual attraction etc.

I always say, there are of course exceptions. But what is the assurance that your case is an exception?

C.V.Rajan

—————————————————————————

sanjeebni 5 years ago

I am going to marry a guy of 36 years old where i am 30. it’s an arranged marriage. i had a little hesitation towards the age gap. but i think i got my answer..

Thank you so much Sir..

Our generation needs your guidance in this matter.

Sanjeebni

——————————————————————————-

kaka 5 years ago

i m 28 year old guy and want to marry with 34 years old woman, what u suggest? is it right match

Hi Kaka,

The ideal safe child bearing age for a woman is 35. Perhaps, with advances in medical technology, it can be extended by about 3-5 years. But the woman has to be very careful and child birth will have its own complications to face.

The above is one aspect.

Imagine after 10 years. You will be 37. A man at that age is still within the brim of youth. Your partner would then be 44; almost middle age. I don’t think sexual drives and aspirations for men will go away in 10 years. At 44, a woman’s inclination towards sex is less likely to be matching.

Better to think in the long term.

C.V.Rajan

vacratus 5 years ago from India

This is a really interesting viewpoint! I wouldn’t have supported this few years back, but weirdly enough right now I quite agree to what you have to say!

eva 5 years ago

my hsband is three years older than me.i am now 21 and he is 24.is it perfect? there is a conception that i should more younger than him becos of continuing sexual life paralelly.

Rabbani 5 years ago

I’m 35 and my wife is 26,is there any problem? I thin she is not happy with me,plz suggest me.

———————————————————————————-

Neelam 5 years ago

Hi Sir im divorcee. My parents are looking new alliance for me. I also have 2 years baby boy. My age is 27 years right now. My parents are looking forward to marry with a boy who is 10 years older than me. I am not ready cause i feel we will have too much of generation gap. please help me for that. what should i take into consideration while thinking about that boy??

i would be thankful to u for ur valuable comments.

Hi Neelam,

A past divorce, to be frank, complicates decision making process. If your past husband was closer to your age and if that age factor was one of the reasons for lack of understanding (= lack of “respect”/ “obedience” etc a typical Indian husband expects (irrespective of whether he deserves them or not), then probably a larger age gap may help towards better emotional equation, because you will be forced to give a better respect and obedience to the “matured” husband.

Yes. Generation gap will be there. Value systems may differ. He could be more conservative in several aspects like your dress codes, mingling with opposite sex, doing domestic chores by you, your sacrificing career for the sake of family etc, if freedom for such things are extremely important to you.

But you have a past. If you can look within yourself unemotionally on what went wrong last time, you can decide how the new proposal will work for you.

Pray to God for guidance.

C.V.Rajan

Neelam 5 years ago

Thanks Rajan Sir For Your Valuable Thoughts. I completely Agree with you sir. I will Try to convience my parents on this grounds. I want to start my life in completely new way and i think u have helped me in this.

Thanks once again.

Forbidden man 4 years ago

I’m 23 my wife is 33 and life sucks , nothing we got common , we always face problems ,we always fight , we got no sexual life , so please guys don’t do mistakes and marry to a woman elder than you .

john 4 years ago

Im 25yrs…and my lover is only in her late 14yrs….we decided to get married when she turns 18yrs…meanwhile i will be in my early 29yrs…Is this will work..?

Anonymous 4 years ago

Hi Everyone. I have a similar situation here…just that in my case its way too complicated. Can anyone help?

I am in a relationship (for last 4 years) with a guy who is 10 years older to me. Thats not all. He belongs to a different community (he is a hindu but from a different caste). He isn’t that well off and due to all these reasons, my parents have disapproved our marriage. We also tried to match our kundli but even they pose a little problem as per 1-2 preists. Its been more than 4 months now…I have not spoken to my parents at all..being in the same house.

I just dont know what to do in order to convince them?? Have tried a lot of things but I cant give up as we both love each other and have reached a stage where we cant forget each other and cnt think of getting married to someone else. But my parents are not ready to listen to anything.

Hi Anonymous,

Your case looks difficult for an outsider to offer a solution.

1) Do you believe that 10 years age gap does not seem to pose problem for you (generation gap etc)?

2) Do you have good faith in kundli (Jathak) matching? Are you mentally troubled when priests say that they don’t match?

3) How far is parental acceptance important for you? Are your emotional bondage, sense of comfort, sense of responsibility towards your parents quite strong?

4) Do you believe that your parents’ opposition against this alliance is purely out of their egotism (“We know better; you should obey us”) or with genuine concern for a long lasting marital relationship?

5) Are you very very clear that the cultural differences between you and your boyfriend on account of caste is quite immaterial to you?

6) Are you very very clear that the earning capacity of your b/f currently and in the future will not be a contentious issue once you get married? Are you independently earning well?

7) Is your emotional commitment to your b/f is much more stronger than any other negative aspects coming out of answering the above questions?

If you are still confused, surrender to God and seek guidance sincerely.

C.V.Rajan

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Rama krishna 4 years ago

sir i am in dilema. i am 8 years younger than my girl friend, i am going to marry her so can u tell the advantages and disadvantages…. i really dont care disadvantages finaaly i am going to marry her but pls guide me sir

Hi Ramakrishna,

I am personally and totally against such experiments with life.

You can read some of the replies posted above. It’ all discussed in detail. If you want a bitter one, this response has been posted by a person who made such a decision in life. I quote:

“I’m 23 my wife is 33 and life sucks , nothing we got common , we always face problems ,we always fight , we got no sexual life , so please guys don’t do mistakes and marry to a woman elder than you.”

C.V.Rajan

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Island girl 4 years ago

Hi sir just came across your page while searching for best age difference between a man and a woman I’ve read all the postings and your replies very interesting so here am I written also…. now please tell me I am a woman of 44 years of age, christian divorce 7 years ago with two daughters ages 22 and 17 I am a woman that would prefer to have a good relationship with someone older than me 2 or 3 years older never thought of anyone younger but it happen now that this guy of 30 years of age has set his eyes on me I have spoken to him about the big age gap but he is not concern or cares about that, this guy never knew his parents and was raise at a home for boys until he became a man he has told me that he has always had an interest in older women my question now, do you think he is looking a mother figure in someone much older than him? or could it be really be love he’s looking for in a mature woman plz advice…thank you.

Hi Island Girl,

I am afraid that on account of your basic need for a good company, you have laid a trap for yourself and if you trip over it, I have a feeling that it will end up as a life-long regret for you.

With daughters aged 22 and 17, a relationship with a guy of 30 years will wreck havoc in your relationships with your daughters and in your own life. Frankly nothing sounds right for me in the guy you are talking about.

At 44, you are just a few years ahead of menopause. I don’t think this guy of 30 will keep loving you for what you are and what you soon will be — a middle aged (= old) lady.

If you are really too keen on having a lifelong company for you, first marry off your daughters and then seek a marriage for yourself with a like-minded person aged above you. The better option will be not to marry at all and lead a life of purity, contemplating on Jesus Christ and offering whatever little service you can do for the society through some charity organizations.

C.V.Rajan

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SMC 4 years ago

am 22 yrs old and my Boyfriend is 33yrs elder than me. Its been two year since we met. Should i hang on with this relationship? HELP!

Hi SMC,

If your boy friend is 33 yrs elder than you, it means he is 55 years old! And you call him a “boy”friend!? He is of your dad’s age.

If you hang on to him, my personal feeling is that your life will hang out of balance within a few years of marriage.

C.V.Rajan

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S.R 4 years ago

Hi sir,i just read your blog and it raised up a few questions in my mind which i thought u could help answering me. I am 21 years old from a typical south indian family..i am in love with a guy 60 days younger to me..i have told my mom bout it and she the same reasons u have mentioned in ur blog..i discussed these with him too..he said and assured me that these reasons will not bother our relationship at any age..and yes i do believe him.but my doubt is does he really understand the intensity of the problems you have mentioned..can a 21 year old guy analyse it..pls answer from your perspective sir..thanks a lot!!

Hi S.R.,

You are at 21 and you are at the right age for marriage. Your boyfriend, in south Indian standards is still a boy for marriage. What sort of financial strength does he have to get married and run a family with confidence?

If marriage is not an immediate thinking, then at what age? At 25/26 for him, when he will be mentally and financially mature for marriage? Will your parents wait till then to allow you to remain single? At 26/27 for a woman to get married, her mental maturity, assertiveness, self-confidence etc will be very high. Bossiness will be well developed in you at that age and it may not be to good liking for a man!

When you are deeply engrossed in love, at this age, all these things will look trivial and insignificant. But once you get married, they have every potential to grow too big to shatter a good married life.

Only if your boy friend is mentally much more mature and much more stable than you, then only there will be a scope for a stable married life in future.

C.V.Rajan

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rameez 4 years ago

iam 32 year old iam divorce. now iam get Raddy to married as next month 12. my gf age is 21year and her is virgin.my Question is me and my gf to get married to live happy? iam from maldives.

Hi Rameez,

In the expectations of the present generation girls, the age gap of 11 is high. But any day, if a woman gets the love, affection and emotional support from her husband, she will be able to adjust. Her age of 21 is the right age for marriage where excessive analysis may not trouble and confuse her too much!

But you being a “second-hand” and she being a virgin requires true sense of acceptance from the girl. If she is quite understanding about it, it is good. Again, you should be mentally mature enough to forget the bitterness of the past failed marriage and start things afresh with good hope.

You should be mature enough to know your side of the faults for the previous failed marriage so that the same mistakes are not repeated in the new relationship.

Best wishes!

C.V.Rajan

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nyash 4 years ago

Hi am a 28 years old kenyan lady. am pretty and have no child. i met a 42 year old man who is a divorcee and he is head over heels in love with me. we have been going out for 9 months now. he is so kind to me and has sacrificed a lot for me, he treats me with a lot of respect and i love his maturity in handling issues unlike guys my age who are immature and drink a lot. i am highly educated which i feel puts off guys my age. he wants to marry me and i love him too. i have been going to his place many times and i have access to all his stuff including his house and everthing in it. sometimes i wonder if it is ok and i also wonder if my parents will agree to it. PLIZ HELP

Hi Nyash,

I presume you were also a divorcee. You have mentioned that he treats you with respect. Is “respect” a very important expectation for you from your partner? And you have mentioned that you are highly educated. Perhaps it means your level of education is far above comparable Kenyan women in your surroundings. Does that education obviously give you some sense of superiority and also a level of “demand of respect” for that education?

By any chance the strength of your education and probably your income from your profession on account of it is something that looks too attractive for your man?

When you reach an age of, say 35, your man will be in his fifties and will that middle-aged-look of your hubby by any chance trouble you?

You have not mentioned about the education level of your friend. If it were to be lower than you, will it, at a future time, become a cause for an ego-clash? Do you have a tendency to give too much weightage to the formal education and the prestige behind it?

After marriage, it is not your education nor your earnings that will decide the cordiality between you and your partner. It is not “respect”, but rather the casual, ego-less ease, taking-each-other-for-granted simplicity that will decide the strength and joy of a good relationship.

If you think that such a casual easiness not burdened by your past laurels is most likely to blossom after marriage and you are mentally prepared for such adjustments, please go ahead!

All the best!

C.V.Rajan

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Aadab 4 years ago

Hello Sir,

I am a 40 yr old man divorced and have a 7 ½ yr old son. I have begun liking a girl who happens to be my uncle’s daughter who is 14 yrs younger then me. She has also developed a similar feeling towards me & we have been communicating with one another for about a year now. We have only been talking to one another as I am working abroad. I have made it very clear to her about my my past life & my son. We intend to get married as we have developed great fondness for one another. Kindly advice if it would be healthy to get into a matrimonial bond. We are struggling to get our parents accept the idea but the age barrier and my divorced status seems to be reflecting towards a negative reply from both our family members. Can this really become a problem in the future. Kindly advice.

Hi Adab,

At the outset, 14 years of age gap looks too large for me too. And you have this disadvantage of having a 7 and a half year old son too to take care.

Some woman basically feel at ease at “fatherly men” and if the initial marriage chemistry works out successful, they can lead a happy life. Since this girl clearly knows your history, perhaps she is mentally prepared (and inclined) for such a relationship. If it is really so, one hurdle is removed.

But women have some peculiar emotional swings. If everything works out smoother (sexual and emotional equations) in the first couple of months of marriage, it will be fine; if not, women may start acting funny and they are capable of causing maximum damage to what you feel very important (= relationship with your son).

Another important thing is the need for your son’s acceptance of the woman. If the acceptance comes before marriage, it will be the best. It means a personal meeting of the girl with you with your son is essential. Your son is old enough, I believe, to understand your marital interest in that woman.

So, it’s all a question of preparedness. If you, your son and the woman are well prepared to face what is likely to be ahead in the life after marriage, it is going to be far better.

“In temple festivals, there will be a sudden loud explosion of fire-cracker as part of the festival entertainment and it will shock the huge gathering unexpectedly. If you are mentally prepared well ahead that during temple festival there will be this sudden explosion, you will not get shocked” – Mata Amritanandamayi.

C.V.Rajan

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Priya 4 years ago

Hi sir,

I am a 27 year old female am loving a guy with his age of 23. My family is suppporting for this relation very high without the knowledge of his age am also loving a lot but his family is not supporting me . I cannot leave him but i loved him i want to marry him and he alos loved me very much . Can you please suggest some ideas regards to this matter. Your co-operation is highy appreciated. Thank you………

Hi Priya,

The idea of what is “love” before marriage will undergo a sea change after marriage! That’s the painful reality.

Are you and your boyfriend right now ready for marriage? If so, at 23, what is his statute and earning capacity in his profession? Are you employed? Are you currently earning more than him? Is he mentally mature for a married life? (Married life is not just sexual life alone).

Assuming that he would like to get married after 26 years when he will feel more like a young man standing on his own legs with confidence at the right age for his marriage, you will be a 30 year old(er) woman!

Very unfortunately, women at 30, though looking young before marriage, suddenly look older and too-matured after marriage. A child birth adds fuel to the fire.

Such things may not seem to matter “now”, but suddenly they may look too formidable when the reality dawns in life.

What will happen to you if, say at your age of 36, your man (still a young man at 32) starts ignoring you and looking for sexual gratification with another young woman, who is likely to be more sexually compatible to him?

There are such fine nuances in life which older generation did think about and that’s why the socially acceptable practice of a man marrying a girl younger to him was widely practiced across the globe.

C.V.Rajan

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Abhijit 4 years ago

Hello sir, I am 31 years of age & I am in love with my maternal uncles daughter who is 21 years of age. She respects me a lot. She is ready to get married with me. I am a software engineer by profession & she is a teacher by profession. But somewhere I am a bit worried about the age difference. She has a very matured mind & she understands my feeling very well. Sir When I think of the age difference between you & your wife, I feel like my & my fiancé age has only a difference of two when compared to yours. So I want to know, How successfully have you adjusted & mainatained the relationship with your wife so far? I would be very happy so that it will take your example in mind when starting a new life with my fiancé. Thanks in advance.

Hi Abhijit,

Remember that I am one generation older than you and in my generation, women took submissiveness to husband for granted. The larger age gap did help that submissiveness. By God’s grace, my wife adjusted too well with me and we were one of the few very happy couples in our surroundings. Our value systems, outlook towards money matters, relatives, expectations in life and even spiritual outlook almost matched very well, by God’s grace.

I was not an authoritative husband (though as a male I was sure about my one-up-manship!) We were very communicative and I was her best friend and she was my best friend after marriage. Both of us never needed a confidante outside of us to discuss problems.

Even where there were differences, my wife was willing to accept my views in critical situations, because she had faith in my maturity. My wife too was a minister for me to consult, as she had good judgment about people.

But my observation of present generation is that women of today seem too keen to dominate (and even manipulate) their husbands and that’s one of the reasons why present generation girls want much smaller age gap.

Any day, it is my personal opinion that men are better balanced in their emotions than women, when emotions are put into strain in a relationship. This way, a matured man (= larger age gap) can definitely have a better understanding of his wife’s emotional swings and handle it better and more level-headedly, unlike a young husband, who too is likely to react too emotionally when problems creep up among them.

On the other side, you may face problems related to generation gap (the way married women prefer to dress like girls (= western style), the way they mingle with colleagues of opposite sex in office, the way money is to be spent on unnecessary extravaganza, the compulsions of socialization outside office etc etc).

If you are sure that your girl understands your value systems and expectations in such things very well and you too will be able to adjust to the present day scenario better, then go ahead.

I have seen around me many successful marriages with large age gap at least in my generation. (I should say such age gaps are not seen in the present day and hence I am not able to say so for the present generation).

All the best to you!

C.V.Rajan

P.S.: This IT-Teacher combo looks very attractive to me! As a teacher I believe she will be better imbibed with principles and values. She will be less exposed to the evils of the onslaught of western culture, so widely seen in the corridors of IT companies!  (C.V.Rajan)

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rachel 4 years ago

i am in love with a man 14 years older than me. we are from the same community, religion and the same area. i have never been married but he is separated from his wife with whom they had a child who is now 8 years of age. he loves me too. should i go ahead with the relationship? he wants to marry me.

Rachel,

“He wants to marry me”. Does it mean you are not too sure? 14 years of gap, in my own personal standards is too large, at the outset.

When he wants to marry you, I believe he would definitely expect you to play the role of mother effectively for his 8 year old child too. If that were so, it should be an irrevocable moral commitment for you to take care of the child and be good at it too. Whatever (love and) affection that you develop on the child should continue even after you get a child of your own.

Are you prepared for this moral commitment?

You are first hand and he is second hand. If this reality is not a matter of botheration, then it is fine.

Another important thing is the child’s acceptance to your arrival to his family. It means, there has to be a meeting between you and the child and a cordiality should develop between you. If that chemistry works out, then one hurdle is removed.

Otherwise, if you are quite confident of your mutual love and if there is no manipulative intent or hidden agenda behind this proposed relationship — either from his side or from your side, you may take a plunge.

Pray to God for divine guidance if confusion persists.

C.V.Rajan

pooja 4 years ago

i am 24 and husband 37. i am confused .is it is ok

8m 4 years ago

Since when is mental maturity based on the acceptance of the institution of marriage, financial status and employment experience? This sounds like conservative, religion-based, moral oppression. If one chose to never marry, is one chronically immature? This is sexist propaganda stinking of materialistic ideology.

Beliefs like yours prove that god is dead.

Hi 8m,

I am afraid your comment is not properly focused. What is your real objection? Is it against marriage or is it against materialistic life?

I write from India where the highest religious goal is attaining God through renunciation. If you want to attain God, keep away from materialism and sexual (sensual) attractions. This is what saints like Ramakrishna declare. Celibacy is an essential basic virtue for a spiritual seeker who wants to attain God.

That’s the core spirituality at one side.

At other side is the materialistic world with all its lures and the God created attraction between man and woman that ensures progeny. If this part of life has to succeed well and is to have the proper balance in morality, then the institution of marriage has proved its worth. A marriage relationship needs to survive in this world and some essential materialistic interference can never be avoided.

Hope I have made things clear.

C.V.Rajan

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Shomail 4 years ago

I want to marry a girl who is 8.5 years Younger than me. Rite now i am 24 and she is 16 years.Do you think that it will be perfect marriage Couple.

I want to marry a girl who is 8.5 years Younger than me. Rite now i am 24 and she is 16 years.Do you think that it will be perfect marriage Couple.

Hi Shomail,

If you marry the girl after she reaches 19/ 20 years of age, it should be okay, I think.

C.V.

Shomail 4 years ago

Sir Actually Problem is that she is my Student. I can’t express what i feel about her because she respects me as a teacher.Sir Do u think that A student and a teacher can become a life partner.Actually Problem is that I like her and want to become her my life partner…

Shomail,

A difficult situation indeed! I don’t know which country you belong to. I write from India and in our country a teacher is a respectable person, who is to be treated almost like father. But that’s the ideal, imposed from the culture of the past. Present day cultural tendencies cross certain boundaries.

If the girl respects you as a teacher, it is good, normal and right. But if the issue of love is brought in and is made open, it can create lots of social headaches to the school as an institution and to the parents in society who send their children to school with a belief that they are safe there to study without any other distractions.

A 16 year girl may get confused and disturbed when your love is revealed. Even if she reciprocates, how far the institution will accept it as okay? What will be the reaction of the girl’s parents and also parents of girls of same age in the school?

There is quite a good chance that people may interpret your love to be primarily with a sexual motive with a hidden agenda of intimidating or molesting an innocent girl.

The respectability of the teaching profession gets a beating if things were to turn ugly due to the reaction of the society. You may even lose your job if parents of the girl take up the issue negatively with your school authorities.

So, it is a very precarious situation, even if you whole heartedly believe that your love is pure.

The best course will be, if your love is strong enough, to wait till the girl completes schooling and moves up to college. Then, perhaps after 2/3 years, you may try to re-establish your contacts with the girl and express your love. If she reciprocates, well and good. Else, move away.

In my opinion, any hasty move to expose your love on the girl at her tender school going age of 16 can create lots of problems, particularly because you are a respectable teacher.

Shomail 4 years ago

C.V.

Sir First Of All I missed one thing to tell you that I was her tutor at home.By profession i am an Engineer and has just Completed my Education. I taught Her at home not at School.Her mother Knows me and respect me too.Now in days I have completed my Course there and she has just completed her exams and it looks i will not teach there any more because i will get the job soon.

Sir Plz i want a help from you I want to Forget her but i can’t.I know her from the least 3 years but can’t express my Feeling infect I don’t want to Disturb her educational Life. Sir I am Disturb What should i do ..?

Shomail,

I can advise about marriage, but not about loving before marriage! No experience. Sorry!

C.V.Rajan

Shomail 4 years ago

Plz sir I want help any suggestion for the sake of ur God Plz plz any Suggestion. will be very help full for me at this time

Hi Shomail,

If you were a school teacher, I suggested this already:

“The best course will be, if your love is strong enough, to wait till the girl completes schooling and moves up to college. Then, perhaps after 2/3 years, you may try to re-establish your contacts with the girl and express your love. If she reciprocates, well and good. Else, move away.”

This still holds good, because you are interested in her completing the studies. But you are neither a school teacher, nor you are sure whether the girl has interest in you. Right?

Then, you may do one thing. You can keep your contacts with the girl and family, by visiting their home once in a while (say 5/6 months once) to enquire how the girl is studying and whether they are all well.

You should be smart enough to watch their reaction to you when you visit them. Their facial expression, body language, their interest or lack of interest in welcoming you as a guest etc. Does the girl’s face show any specific brightening up when you visit her? Is her reaction or attitude towards you is more than a common courtesy extended to a guest? Or, does she show any cold reaction when you try to talk to her?

You should never lose your respectability with the family, I think. If you find receptive and positive signals, then you can proceed step by step in winning the girl’s heart along with acceptance from her family members. If you don’t find receptive signals or find cold reception both from girl and family, it may be better to wash your hands and move away.

You see, I am middle aged and old fashioned. This is what I can suggest and nothing romantic will be there in such suggestions! What to do?!

C.V.Rajan

Shomail, 4 years ago

Thanks for the Suggestion Sir!


As I developed this website, I thought all those discussions could be quite relevant for many other readers too. Hence, I have grouped those Q&As into separate posts and are available for you to read in this site. 

Here are the links to the continuation of more Q&A on this subject:

For more Questions from readers on this subject and my answers to them, please continue to read Part 2 of Q&A on right age combination between husband & wife for marriage.

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For more Questions from readers on this subject and my answers to them, please continue to read Part 3 of Q&A on right age combination between husband & wife for marriage.

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Killing rats – is it a sin?

Satsang with Amma (Mata Amritanandamayi)

11th December 2012 – Tuesday

Is is a sin to kill rats?

This question was posed by someone in today’s Satsang.

The gist of Amma’s reply was as follows:

“Amma does not want to say whether it is a sin or not a sin. When we breathe, there are millions of germs that get killed. When we walk, we tramp upon so many micro living beings and kill them.

“Rats pose lots of difficulties to human existence. They spread diseases, gobble up food produce and thus are a menace to human race.  Amma has heard that in some ancient civilization  cats were worshiped as Gods because cats could put an end to the manace of rats that caused so much trouble to that civilization.

“It is difficult to say black and white whether killing of rats is sinful. Amma does not want to say either. She would rather leave the matter to be decided by the questioner himself/ herself.”